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The Well-Armored Child: A Parent's Guide to Preventing Sexual Abuse
306Overview
Protecting your child from sexual abuse can be as easy as opening a book.
Author Joelle Casteix has filled the need for an easy-to-read toolkit for parents when it comes to preventing childhood sexual abuse. When her own child was born, she was deluged with tomes that covered everything from breastfeeding to choosing the right college. But one book was noticeably absent. It's the book that can help parents take action to prevent their child from becoming another statistic.
The Well-Armored Child gives parents the tools and strategies to understand how predators "groom" children, why many of our trusted institutions cover up abuse, and how to empower children without shame, fear, or inappropriate discussions of sex.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781632990396 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | River Grove Books |
| Publication date: | 08/11/2015 |
| Pages: | 306 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.69(d) |
About the Author
A successful writer and blogger, Joelle Casteix is also a leading expert on the prevention and exposure of childhood sexual abuse and cover-up, especially within institutions such as the Catholic Church. A former journalist, educator, and public relations professional, Joelle has taken her own experience as a victim of childhood sex crimes and devoted her career to exposing abuse, advocating on behalf of survivors, and sharing abuse-prevention strategies for parents and communities.
Joelle's other books include The Compassionate Response: How to Help and Empower the Adult Victim of Child Sexual Abuse, and Yes, My Son. Wine Is One of the Five Food Groups
.Read an Excerpt
The Well-Armored Child
A Parent's Guide to Preventing Sexual Abuse
By Joelle Casteix
River Grove Books
Copyright © 2015 Joelle CasteixAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-63299-039-6
CHAPTER 1
What Is Child Sexual Abuse? Myths, Signs, and Healthy Behaviors
Child sex abuse is a devastating crime that affects approximately one in six children in the United States before age eighteen. But what exactly is meant by the term child sex abuse? And how can parents recognize the warning signs before it's too late?
What Is Child Sex Abuse?
The federal government defines child sex abuse as follows, according to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act:
The employment, use, persuasion, inducement, enticement, or coercion of any child to engage in, or assist any other person to engage in, any sexually explicit conduct or simulation of such conduct for the purpose of producing a visual depiction of such conduct; or [t]he rape, and in cases of caretaker or interfamilial relationships, statutory rape, molestation, prostitution, or other form of sexual exploitation of children, or incest with children.
That's a complicated definition, but it covers a lot of ground. Fortunately, the law acknowledges that children do not have the mental capabilities of adults and includes the fact that children are not only physically forced into abuse, but can be persuaded, enticed, or induced — a factor in grooming, which is discussed at length in chapter 4.
The definition includes sexually explicit conduct — which means that children who are rubbed, touched, kissed sexually over or under their clothes, penetrated, or forced to perform oral sex or other activities are also victims of abuse. It also includes children who are forced to engage in sexual conduct with other children for the pleasure of adults, and children who are sexually abused by other children.
Furthermore, the definition includes child pornography (also known as "child abuse images"), child sex trafficking, incest, and statutory rape, a legal term that has been used to scapegoat teen sex-abuse victims.
No one wants to think that these kinds of things can happen to their children. But they can, and they do. Despite the official definition, child sex abuse has nothing to do with sex. It is a crime of power. The purpose of this book is to give you the tools that will help empower your child to avoid the risk as much as possible. And unless you know what sexual abuse is, you can't prevent it.
It's important to realize that the faces of child sexual abuse are as varied as the victims. A child who is French-kissed and photographed naked by her uncle is a victim, as is the child who is forced into the sex trade at age fourteen. The young boy who is sodomized by his parish priest is horribly damaged, as is the teen girl who is molested by her high school teacher. And because a child's brain is still forming throughout all this abuse, no one knows exactly how damaging any of these acts might be.
My point is this: It is not our place to judge victims, minimize their abuse, or blame them for making mistakes that may have contributed to falling into the hands of a predator. When we minimize the abuse of a class of victims, whether they are trafficked children, homosexual boys, or teenage victims of incest, we give predators a break and silence crime victims.
The one area this book is not going to discuss is sexual relationships between teens on the margins of age eighteen — such as a nineteen-year-old boy having a sexual relationship with a seventeen-year-old girl. Instead we will focus on adults in positions of power: parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, community leaders, clerics, or any adult who can make decisions about the child and his or her welfare. If an adult can destroy a child's reputation, the adult is in a position of power. If the adult is in the position to physically, mentally, or emotionally hurt the child or other people, that adult is in a position of power. And an adult who uses that power to manipulate, entice, or coerce children and teens into sexual actions is exercising criminal behavior.
Other than that, no type of sexual abuse is a "gray area." When a teacher, family member, or other supposedly trustworthy adult engages in any kind of sexual activity with a child or young student, that is criminal. Some may say that teenage girls and boys "should know better," but the sexual abuse of teenagers by adults in positions of power is damaging, isolating, and most important, a crime. For me as a teenager, the abuse was devastating. It destroyed my family and most of my relationships. But I still hear ignorant strangers — and even people I know and love who were also hurt by the abuse and its effects on an entire community — try to convince me that I "wanted it," that I was at fault. Because of those ill-informed views, the abuser's other victims have refused to come forward, fearing this kind of unwarranted backlash. And these views are exactly the kind of misconceptions about child sex abuse that we need to dispel to develop children who are hard targets for predators.
10 Myths about Child Sex Abuse
Child sexual abuse is surrounded by myths and misconceptions. Let's address some of the most common myths so you can understand why child sexual abuse is underreported, misunderstood, and confusing to adults and caregivers.
Myth #1: "Kids are so sexual these days, it's no wonder abuse is on the rise."
There is no real evidence that child sexual abuse is on the rise. The reason such abuse seems more prevalent now is because more children are reporting, more adults are listening, and our society is no longer scared of talking about abuse. It has nothing to do with children being overly sexualized or abuse rates increasing.
Our culture may seem to be saturated with more sexuality than ever, but the facts remain: Healthy sexuality is fostered between peers in the same age group. Prepubescent children are not sexual with adults. When an adult has sex with a child, it's abuse. If the child is older — a teenager — and an adult in a position of power manipulates and grooms the child for sex, it's abuse.
What about the stereotype of the girl who "throws herself" at a young, handsome teacher? A schoolgirl crush is a healthy sexual behavior. In fact, many researchers and clinicians believe that teens who openly flirt with people in positions of power are learning sexual boundaries in a safe environment, because the adult is not supposed to respond inappropriately. A healthy adult who understands proper sexual boundaries and risky teen behavior will shut down flirting immediately and make sure that he or she is never in a situation alone with any minor. Predators, on the other hand, will accept the invitation, molest the child, and then use the child's insecurity about flirting as leverage to ensure that the child never reports.
A good example of this flirting and an inappropriate response is in the movie American Beauty, starring Kevin Spacey and Mena Suvari. Spacey's character lusts after a teenage girl, played by Suvari, who claims to be sexually experienced and openly flirts with Spacey's character. If this middle-aged man were a healthy adult who understood sexual boundaries, he would make sure that Suvari's character was not in the house overnight and never in any room with him alone. Instead Spacey's character pushes sexual boundaries with the girl, who crumbles and cries at his advances. The fact that she is a child becomes clear, and Spacey's character backs off — though in real life, of course, we can't count on a predatory adult suddenly coming to his or her senses and deciding not to abuse.
Myth #2: "Children can't sexually abuse."
Regrettably, this is not the case. In fact, according to a recent study in the UK and Ireland and a 2009 study by the US Department of Justice, approximately one-third of child sexual abuse is committed by someone under age eighteen. Even more tragic, most children who sexually abuse do not get appropriate therapeutic help. If arrested before age eighteen, juvenile offenders' records are sealed. Without immediate intervention, the abusing child will most likely become an abusing adult. Child predators do not suddenly turn predatory as adults. Studies and interviews of child sex predators show that many of these men and women abused, experienced abuse, or harmed other children long before they became adults.
Myth #3: "If my child is abused, we shouldn't tell anyone."
As a victim, I understand that it is hard and humiliating to talk about abuse. But it is even harder for the victim when the subject becomes taboo. Victims need and want to process what happened to them, and the earlier this takes place, the better for the child. While you certainly don't want to take an ad out in the local paper, you do want to talk to the victim when the victim wants to talk. You don't want to treat the crime as though it's shameful, embarrassing, or a "secret." Healing comes when victims are able to speak about the crime on their own terms and in a therapeutic setting and are not silenced by people who are embarrassed, ashamed, scared, or angry.
Myth #4: "The legal process is bad for child victims of abuse."
Prosecutors want to put child molesters behind bars. They know, as do victims, that the only way to stop abuse is to punish the perpetrators. But that can't happen if parents don't let their children testify in court.
Over the past thirty years, law enforcement has made huge strides to ensure that children who go through the legal system are not victimized all over again. Groups like the Gundersen National Child Protection Training Center have trained tens of thousands of first responders across the country, helped implement child-friendly interview tactics, and educated lawmakers and judges on how to properly interview a child who is a victim of abuse. Gone are the days of the McMartin Preschool trial, when defense lawyers could show that interview tactics were flawed and law enforcement may have coached the children into pointing fingers.
If you make the decision for your child not to pursue criminal charges, you may be allowing a predator to hurt more children. When your child grows up and understands the consequences of that decision, he or she may feel at fault for "allowing" the other children to be abused and the abuser to escape unpunished. Don't put that burden on your child.
Myth #5: "Abusers are easy to spot because they are creepy looking."
If child sex abusers were all creepy or looked like our stereotype of molesters, child molestation would not be a problem. We would be able to tell exactly who the predators are and make sure they were never near our children. But that is not the case. You may feel sure that you would never let a child molester into your family's lives, but chances are that you have already met someone who sexually abuses children. You have shaken that predator's hand. Met him at church. Sat next to her at the beach. Watched him play softball at the park.
Men and women who abuse children are likely to be charming, engaging, and charismatic. They relate to children easily and can talk to a child on a child's own level. They are well liked and attract both adults and children. They get jobs where they are more likely to encounter children who are under their care and supervision. Many times, they assume positions of power over children, making the children more likely to comply with grooming and abusive behaviors. They are great conversationalists, dynamic speakers, and people that you love to be around. They are famous actors, dedicated volunteers, loving family men, doting mothers, and beloved clergymen. In other words, you love them just as much as the children do.
Remember: A predator can be anyone.
Myth #6: "My child is smart enough to walk away from an abuser."
Children are vulnerable. You may think your child is "too smart" to get into a bad situation, but even the smartest teen often lacks the maturity and decision-making skills to escape from the grooming tactics of a predator. The only way your child can become empowered against abuse is for you to be alert and to teach the skills, communication, and tactics necessary to make sure a predator cannot groom your child.
Being a victim has nothing to do with intellect. It has to do with vulnerability. A predator who can discover and capitalize on your child's vulnerability will defeat all the intellect and reason your child can muster. Teach your child about grooming, and give your child tools so he or she is less likely to get into bad situations in the first place.
Myth #7: "Women don't abuse kids."
It's time to put away the "hot for teacher" myth forever. Our culture has tried to tell boys that they grow into "real men" if they are "broken in" by an older woman. But when an adult woman in a position of power has sex with a child or teen, it is not a rite of passage. It's sexual abuse. I have worked with dozens of men and boys who were abused by adult women, and they suffer the same shame, guilt, anger, and self-loathing as victims of abuse by men. And because they are told that they should be proud instead of recognizing their experience as abuse, these victims are even more scared and confused as they grow into adulthood.
Women can also abuse girls. Girls, especially young teens, develop deep friendships with their peers. They easily form strong emotional bonds and look up to women they admire. When a female predator grooms a girl into that kind of deep emotional bond, it's a short leap into sexual abuse. This does not mean that the girl is a lesbian any more than boy victims of male predators are gay. In fact, like all victims, a girl being sexually abused by a woman is often conned into thinking that the sexual activity isn't sex at all, but a way that adults show their love and relate to one another. No matter the method, the abuse is still damaging to the victim, and it's still a crime.
Myth #8: "Children who are sexually abused will go on to be offenders themselves."
This misconception about the tendency of victims to become abusers is called recidivism, and it is a particularly pernicious myth. Yet studies have shown that children who are sexually abused are not more likely to become offenders than children who are not abused. A few studies have shown a related tendency in reverse: that men who offend against children have a slightly higher incidence rate of having been sexually abused themselves as children. But on the whole, recidivism is rare. Children who are sexually abused — and get therapeutic care and healing — can grow into healthy, non-offending adults.
Myth #9: "Real victims fight back."
A small percentage of child sex abuse happens under physical force or threat. But child molesters are cunning; they seldom have to hold down a child in order to sexually molest him or her. Their weapons of manipulation, misplaced trust, and twisted love are far more effective than physical force. It is unfair to expect that children can just "fight back" when a trusted adult attempts to sexually abuse them.
A majority of victims — myself and 99 percent of the victims with whom I have worked — were considered "compliant" victims. That means when the abuse started, we didn't say no and didn't fight back. And it's one of the primary reasons that child victims do not report abuse: We were made to believe we wanted it, even though nothing could be further from the truth.
I was convinced until I was almost thirty years old that I must have "asked for" the abuse. What happened to me could not have been rape, I thought, because my perpetrator didn't hold me down or put a knife to my throat. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized the abuse wasn't my fault and that the weapons my abuser used — grooming and power — were far more effective than a gun or knife would have been. Toddlers, prepubescent children, and teens all fall into this same trap. Whatever the age, when a cunning predator grooms and manipulates a child for sexual abuse, the child becomes a so-called compliant victim.
Once we understand that "fighting back" isn't as easy as it sounds, we can help more victims come forward. If a child believes that he or she will be blamed for the abuse (as I was when I came forward), that child will remain silent. If we outwardly blame child victims who don't fight off their abusers, we allow men and women who sexually abuse children to get a free pass. We cannot assume that a child or teen has any control over an adult in a position of power. And after a predator grooms a child, victims have few (if any) defenses at all. Child sexual abuse is a crime in the eyes of the law and according to common sense. Don't blame the child victim.
A related myth also inhibits the reporting of child sexual abuse: If the child felt physical pleasure, it's not sex abuse. A child, especially male, can be confused about the pleasure he may have received from the abuse. If a child molester fellates a child to ejaculation, the action feels good at the moment — even though the child is scared, ashamed, and confused by what is happening. Because the boy had a physical reaction, he may think that his body "liked" it and so he can't report it as abuse. Predators count on that and work hard to make sure that at least some part of the abuse is physically pleasurable to the child.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Well-Armored Child by Joelle Casteix. Copyright © 2015 Joelle Casteix. Excerpted by permission of River Grove Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword,Introduction: Why You Need This Book,
Part One: The Basics,
1. What Is Child Sexual Abuse? Myths, Signs, and Healthy Behaviors,
2. The Perils of Parenting: Looking in the Mirror,
3. Your Gut: Your Twenty-Two-Foot Brain,
Part Two: The Predator,
4. Grooming: The Predator's Gateway,
5. Who Is the Predator? Beyond the Stereotypes,
6. Institutions and Families: When Good People Do Bad Things,
7. Child Pornography: Images of Child Abuse,
8. What If You Suspect Abuse? Mandatory Reporting,
Part Three: The Protected Child,
9. Preparations: Loving and Protecting Your Baby,
10. First Steps: Teaching Your Toddler to Be Safe,
11. A Big, New World: Elementary School Days,
12. Who Is This Kid? Getting to Know Your Preteen,
13. When Communication Counts: Talking to Your Teen,
14. Child No More: Sending Your Young Adult into the World Safely,
Part Four: Your Call to Action,
15. Spreading the Word and Reforming Our Laws,
Afterword,
Acknowledgments,
About the author,
Resources,
Notes,
Index,