There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say

There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say

by Paula Poundstone


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Part memoir, part monologue, with a dash of startling honesty, There’s Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say features biographies of legendary historical figures from which Paula Poundstone can’t help digressing to tell her own story. Mining gold from the lives of Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller, Joan of Arc, and Beethoven, among others, the eccentric and utterly inimitable mind of Paula Poundstone dissects, observes, and comments on the successes and failures of her own life with surprising candor and spot-on comedic timing in this unique laugh-out-loud book.

If you like Paula Poundstone’s ironic and blindingly intelligent humor, you’ll love this wryly observant, funny, and touching book.

Paula Poundstone on . . .

The sources of her self-esteem: “A couple of years ago I was reunited with a guy I knew in the fifth grade. He said, “All the other fifth-grade guys liked the pretty girls, but I liked you.” It’s hard to know if a guy is sincere when he lays it on that thick.

The battle between fatigue and informed citizenship: I play a videotape of The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer every night, but sometimes I only get as far as the theme song (da da-da-da da-ah) before I fall asleep. Sometimes as soon as Margaret Warner says whether or not Jim Lehrer is on vacation I drift right off. Somehow just knowing he’s well comforts me.

The occult: I need to know exactly what day I’m gonna die so that I don’t bother putting away leftovers the night before.

TV’s misplaced priorities: Someday in the midst of the State of the Union address they’ll break in with, “We interrupt this program to bring you a little clip from Bewitched.”

Travel: In London I went to the queen’s house. I went as a tourist—she didn’t invite me so she could pick my brain: “What do you think of my face on the pound? Too serious?”

Air-conditioning in Florida: If it were as cold outside in the winter as they make it inside in the summer, they’d put the heat on. It makes no sense.

The scandal: The judge said I was the best probationer he ever had. Talk about proud.

With a foreword by Mary Tyler Moore

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780307382283
Publisher: Crown/Archetype
Publication date: 11/27/2007
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 288
Sales rank: 340,361
Product dimensions: 5.20(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Paula Poundstone has been a stand-up comic for twenty-seven years. Her long list of successes includes HBO specials, an Emmy Award, two Cable ACE Awards, and an American Comedy Award for Best Female Stand-Up. She now appears regularly on National Public Radio’s Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me!, and her highly anticipated Bravo special, Look What the Cat Dragged In, will air this fall. Paula lives in Santa Monica, California, with her three children, Toshia, Allison, and Thomas E. Poundstone.

Read an Excerpt


Joan of Arc: Called by God and Driven by Drink

Canonized as a saint 508 years after her death, Joan of Arc led the armies of France when she was seventeen years old. At nineteen she was captured by the British, tried by the Church, and burned at the stake as a heretic. At seventeen I left high school because there was a parking lot that needed to be hung out in, and I didn’t want the brainy kids to have to take a shift. At nineteen I became a stand-up comic, turning my back on a successful table-bussing career, and at forty-one I was arrested, putting off my canonization indefinitely.

Joan of Arc was born to Isabele and Jacques d’Arc in Domremy, France, in 1412. I don’t understand French names. Apparently Joan of Arc was never called “Joan” in France; she was Jeanne d’Arc. Two different authors I read said they were calling her “Joan” because that was how Americans knew her. Well, who started calling her “Joan” in America? You can’t just do that. If it’s Jeanne, then it’s not Joan. It’s not even like it saves your tongue time. It’s the same amount of sounds. Why not save ink and call her “d”?

Joan or Jeanne was raised in a manner considered proper in that time and place. Her father said he would rather have had her brothers drown her than allow her to lose her virtue. I’d have been pretty water-safe back then. My mother told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out in a boat to the middle of a lake and threw her overboard. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you to swim.”

The youngsters in Joan Jeanne Joan’s community had the responsibility of taking each family’s sheep, goats, and cows to pasture and watching them while they ate. There is a bit of controversy in the record as to whether Joan Jeanne Joan regularly took her turn driving the livestock to pasture, but if she did it drunk we’d have something in common. In June 2001 I was arrested on a felony child-endangerment charge, for driving drunk with my children in the car, a misdemeanor child-abuse charge, the details of which I am not permitted to discuss because they are sealed by the court, and four charges of lewd acts with a minor, which were later dropped. I pled guilty to the child-endangerment charge and the misdemeanor child-abuse charge because those things were true. There is nothing I care about more in the world than my children, but in fact I was drunk when I drove them to the Baskin-Robbins one day, and it was reported to the police. I have no one to blame but myself- which, I’ve always said, takes the joy right out of blaming. I wish Dick Cheney could have been involved somehow.

I did have a drinking problem. I don’t know if you heard. It was kept kind of hush-hush out of deference to me: I was actually court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. That pretty much blows the hell out of the second “A,” wouldn’t you say? Not only have I not been granted the world-famous anonymity, but when I arrive at those secret clubhouses, there are big blinking welcome, Paula signs. Looking back, I can see that there were red flags I should’ve noticed. In my defense I’ll say that I was drunk. That’s the good news and the bad news about drinking; there are red flags, but they’re kind of blurry and they zip on by. I guess I was in denial. For a while I thought I had an ice cream problem.

I should have known. About three weeks before I went into rehab I got really drunk, went into a pet store, and bought a dog. It would have been no big deal, but we had nine cats. Believe me, the cats started hiding the alcohol after that. We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I’m going to be honest with you. I’d been drunk in that pet store before, and I don’t want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else’s pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

I was very drunk when I got my first bunny. I sobered up by the next day and bought another bunny to prove I would have gotten the first bunny even if I wasn’t drunk. That should have been a huge red flag. Most people in AA have bunnies. They don’t say it when they stand up. They say their names and identify themselves as alcoholics, but most don’t have the courage to admit openly to bunny ownership.

My dog was a cute little puppy when I got him. However, about three weeks later, having had no success at quitting drinking on my own, I went into a rehab for 30 days and got stuck there for 180 days. In one of the kindest gestures ever bestowed upon me, a woman I had never even met took my puppy the whole time I was away. Six months later, when I couldn’t possibly share in a circle one more time and my dog had ingested all of her furniture, this woman dropped off in my front yard, in what I liken to a drive-by shooting, one of the biggest, dumbest animals I’ve ever seen. I don’t really even have any proof that it was the original dog, but it didn’t seem polite to question it. As it turns out, my dog Cal is part black Lab, part German shepherd, part pit bull, and part chow. I believe there was at least some alcohol involved in his conception. He has eaten everything. Some bleeding-heart dog people have told me he was teething. Sharks eat everything, are they teething? I believe his German shepherd/black Lab/pit bull/chow mother got really wasted one night, went down to the beach, and had sex with a shark. The most diabolical plan of the maddest mad scientists couldn’t have come up with this combination. I read in a dog-training book that during his “chewing phase” I should put anything I don’t want chewed out of his reach. He eats the side of the house. I’m not sure which high shelf to put the house up on.

As I fly by my neighbors at the end of his leash, they sometimes shout after me, “Why don’t you get rid of that dumb dog?” Sometimes, after exercising the dog, while popping my arm back into its socket, I think about getting rid of him, but he’s an important part of my punishment. It should have been part of my sentence- five years probation, random drug and alcohol testing, and keep the dog-shark.

When she was twelve, Ms. d’Arc heard voices that she believed were sent by God. The voices eventually told her that she had been chosen by God to restore the kingdom of France. She was instructed to dress as a man, crop her hair, take up weapons, lead the French troops to victory, and assist King Charles in reclaiming his kingdom.

I thought I heard God speak to me once. He said, “You’re wearing that?”

I bought a black chiffon spaghetti-strap shirt and jacket once. The salesperson told me I couldn’t wear it with corduroy. There was a sense of danger in her voice. It didn’t sound like merely a “fashion don’t,” but rather a word of serious caution, as though the combination of the two fabrics might result in an explosion. She repeated the warning as she bagged the garment. She was troubled by an uncanny sense that I owned a lot of corduroy. The military must have bunkers full of carefully separated corduroy and black chiffon secreted away somewhere in Nevada. It’s one of those tigers we hold by the tail, like the A-bomb. I never wore the black chiffon shirt and evening jacket. Too risky. I buy impulsively sometimes, totally forgetting what I look like and how I spend my time. Amazingly, the fantasy of going out someplace kind of fancy, on a night when I wasn’t wearing corduroy and had shaved, lasted long enough for that shirt and jacket to make the cut through three moves and countless closet cleanings.

Much of history’s record of Jeanne’s extraordinary life comes from her own testimony during her heresy trial, although I can’t imagine that they got it all written down accurately. My criminal court case in Santa Monica was rescheduled three times in a row, weeks apart, in part because the court clerk wrote the wrong time down on my lawyer’s official document. Once, at the appointed day and time, the district attorney wasn’t there and the judge had to go to a doctor’s appointment. In an effort to cheer me up, my lawyer told me, after he rescheduled with the clerk, “It’ll be next month on the nineteenth and the clerk says this’ll be good because the judge can be there that day.” I realize that, as a criminal, my thoughts on the legal process don’t carry much weight; still, for whatever help it may have been to my lawyer in his own personal relations, I explained to him that people are supposed to plan things for the times they are available to do them, and that one does not score points for scheduling a court hearing for a time when they can be in court—especially when they are the judge. It’s hard to believe that all of what Joan Jeanne Joan said in court got written down exactly as she said it.

Jeanne claimed to have heard voices and seen accompanying apparitions several times each day for five years. She said they were Saint Michael, Saint Catherine, and Saint Margaret, and were often flanked by hundreds of unidentified angels. I keep picturing Michael Landon and Della Reese surrounded by those little white decorative soaps shaped like angel heads, but I’m sure that’s inaccurate. Who would crop her hair short and cross-dress because little soaps told her to?

Joan Jeanne Joan said she never sat for a portrait, but there are many artists’ renderings of her. Since she rather famously cut her hair, it’s clear that the images of her with long, flowing red hair are inaccurate. Jeanne was a farm girl who labored in the sun, and she came from thick, short, muscley farm people, so it’s not likely either that she was tall and thin, with soft pale skin, as she’s often depicted. My face started to wrinkle this year. I don’t see what function it serves in nature, but it’s amazing. My face is folding in on itself. It’s no wonder I’m tired a lot—that has to be a draining process. I recently bought wrinkle cream. I tried to slip it surreptitiously into the basket at the Rite-Aid, but my daughter Alley saw me and kept asking, “What’s that?” in a really loud voice. I was so embarrassed. I had always hoped that I’d be willing to age gracefully, but sometimes you panic. “Wrinkle cream,” I muttered. But Alley wouldn’t let it go. She looked at me wide-eyed and said, “But, Mom, you don’t even believe in stuff like that.”

“Yeah, but what if I’m wrong?” I answered.

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There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 9 reviews.
ComedyKitten More than 1 year ago
I bought the book after seeing Paula perform. I have been a long time fan and she deals with her court issues with gusto. The book is in an interesting format-she talks about her life in comparison to other famous people, such as Charles Dickens, Helen Keller & Joan of Arc. Paula has always been very self-deprecating and this is no different. I also found the history aspect very interesting. She talks about what got the Wright Brothers interested in flight and it was something I had never heard before. All in all, I found the book very informative and funny.
tangledthread on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Paula Poundstone uses history/biographies to augment the memoir nature of her humor. If you like Paula's humor and insights on how the world works, then you'll laugh through this book.
horomnizon on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I've seen Poundstone live a few times and that is a better experience than this book....but it's not a bad read. It is humorous, although it probably helps to 'hear' it in her voice as you read it. Doing it by biographical chapters of famous people give you some interesting things to think about, although her life rarely relates to them by more than a thread.If you enjoy Paula's humor - go for it.
figre on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This one is really pretty simple. If you like Paula Poundstone, you will love this book. If you are not a fan, then this book will not sway you. If you¿ve never tasted her brand, then this book is worth the sampling. I love Paula Poundstone¿s humor. I have never laughed so hard as when I saw her in concert. (Come to think of it, not true. I probably laughed harder the time I got to see her during a taping of ¿Wait, Wait, Don¿t Tell Me¿.) Her sideways look at things throws sensibilities just askew enough to constantly keep you thinking ¿ and laughing. Accordingly, I love this book. I was chortling out loud as I read it during a flight to LA (somehow managing to not fully laugh out loud ¿ that I saved for when I was in the privacy of my own home.) Really, if you¿ve seen her act, then you have already heard some of this. But there will be new things. And reading it, you can almost hear her saying the words.The basis for the book is interesting. Her version is that she tried to write the book and couldn¿t come up with anything. Then, she realized that her OCD might be used as a benefit. So she studied up on some people in history and tried to tell their story. But each part of their story made her start to ramble about herself. And, as bizarre as that sounds (again, because this fits everything else that is Paula Poundstone), it works.This is a very funny book and, if you don¿t get it, then¿well¿I guess you just don¿t get it.
TanyaTomato on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Laugh-out-loud, sorry that is cliché especially because she is a comedian. But it was. I did have to get used to the back and forth between her and various historical figures.
tgraettinger on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Started it. Had to stop. It's a little too self-conscious and self-absorbed, and not funny enough to make up for it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
One of the funniest books I ever read my entire life. Right up there with "Forrest Gump" and "Candide", though this is actually non-fiction/memoir. I laughed out loud every page. Absurd, zany observations and wit. Discursive storytelling that makes this book very accessible, easy to pick up at any point and read. I've always been a fan of Paula Poundstone. I almost think they should make this into a play or movie. She mentions she never thought she would finish the book, but considering the result, I think she did a very good job. If you're a Paula Poundstone fan, like the absurdities of life, or just like to laugh, I HIGHLY recommend this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
If you're a fan of quirky observations of human nature, you'll love Paula's book. I found myself laughing out loud numerous times as I read this book. Paula is both brutally honest, and hilariously subversive in her approach to modern life. If you enjoy reading David Sedaris, meet his female counterpart.