The Torpometronomicon

The Torpometronomicon

by Gary Clemenceau

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780978718800
Publisher: Cold Steel Press
Publication date: 06/01/2007
Pages: 264
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.60(d)
Age Range: 13 Years

About the Author

Gary Clemenceau is not that impressive. He spent a scant 97 years trapped in a Corporate American gulag before releasing himself on his own recognizance, and giving up human flesh almost entirely. During that rather icky, yoked tenure hauling feed wagons for THE MAN, Clemenceau founded AcmeVaporware and spent the next ten years getting fired a lot. Besides being a member of the Horror Writers of America (HWA), he is also author of a work of bizarre, "corporate fantasy & horror" fiction entitled: Banker's Holiday -- A Novel of Fiscal Irregularity, and something else about Nixon but we can never remember (he wrote it when he was seven, what do you want?). To date, his singular first novel has caused countless Incredibly Strange Creatures and Mixed-up Zombies to Quit Their Silly Corporate Day-jobs and Start Living in Interesting and Satisfyingly Self-Capitalizing Ways (could be a coincidence). The TORPOMETRONOMICON is his second book.

Read an Excerpt

FOR INSTANTANEOUS RELEASE:
ACMEVAPORWARE ROUTES ATTORNEYS MORE QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY THAN EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE IN THIS DIMENSION

AVW Advanced Physical-Layer Legal Transport Section Whips the Sheet Off of New Attorney Actuator System

AREA 52, NEVADA, August 26, 1999 -- AcmeVaporware Inc. (AVW) today revealed its new hydraulic Attorney Actuator System for routing attorneys more efficiently in the physical layer. The first succesful test of the new hydraulic actuator/launcher was demonstrated before a passel of American Bar Association dignitaries and tech CEOs at AVW's CEO/Attorney Proving Grounds located in the Nevada Desert. AVW expects to ship this boon to commerce in the second quarter of next year, and has already received advanced orders in excess of $10 billion.

The new hydraulic actuator system automatically loads the attorney packet into a titanium pressure chamber breech, flash-freezes the attorney to minimize post-launch break-up, selects a target location (defaulting to the sun), and drives a piston into the chamber, launching the legal representative at up to 100,000 feet per second/per second. All attorney packets contain: an attorney; a suit; a cellphone; and a briefcase containing a detailed copy of your latest bill. The average attorney usually converts to energy on impact. The integral magneto-piston drives minimize power consumption while eliminating compressors, IP converters and auxiliary pneumatic equipment.

"What with all the IPOs exploding around us, and since so many IPO situations call for legal representation these days, attorneys occasionally need to be on-hand immediately," said Dr. John Smallberries, president and CEO ofAVW, as he paused with his hand on a red launch button. "And to minimize overbilling during quiet periods, you only want them when you want
them. That's why AVW researchers created a system to fulfill both requirements with a level of satisfaction approaching that of sex." Dr. Smallberries then launched the test attorney (formerly with the FCC), to good natured cheering from the assembled CEOs. He later added that he really liked his attorney Pam (not really), and vowed to keep her from being included in the tests, short-term.

AVW's Attorney Actuator can be used to insert attorneys into any business situation anywhere in the world, making them far cheaper and more destructive than more sophisticated, costly ordinance. In contrast, Hellfire missiles cost well into the $90,000 per-piece range, delivery overhead inclusive. But with AVW's Actuator, attorneys can now be deployed anywhere in the world -- or the solar system -- with a great deal of ease, economy and personal satisfaction.

"Yes, attorneys are easy targets," commented Dr. John Morvalia, head of R&D for AcmeVaporware at Thursday's test. "That's why we at AVW thought it much better to use them as a form of data-packet ordinance. When you convert a 180 lb. attorney to pure energy -- wow. At these velocities, these suckers really pack a wallop."

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Torpometronomicon 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 1 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Omigod, this book is hysterical. Totally blasts every insipid corporate press release and marketing doodad and end user from hell to breakfast. I'm still laughing. I would expect nothing less from the brilliant djinn behind AcmeVaporware. Klick-n-Clack should check this book out.