Twists and Tales

Twists and Tales

by Doug Dial


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781477216156
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 06/26/2012
Pages: 238
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.54(d)

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Twists and Tales

By Doug Dial


Copyright © 2012 Doug Dial
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4772-1615-6

Chapter One

Sherry and the Shingles

single Sherry got a shingles shot

a single shot was what she got

she may be single

but she's got no shingles

for the single shingles shot she got

guaranteed her a healthy lot

The Weight of Love

if I should toss a rose

with every thought of you

the world would be so red

and tip over

The Day and the Life

... a wedding is having over many friends for one day ...

... marriage is having over one friend for a lifetime ...

Starve Your Fear

has quite
an appetite

it grows
each time
you feed it

starve it
give it
naught to eat

if you
to defeat it

No One Like You

the Lord on high is mighty
He is robed in majesty
He reigns and He is armed with strength
like no one you've ever seen

Your throne was established long ago
You are from all eternity
mightier than the sound of thunder
than the crashing waves of the sea

the Lord on high is mighty
Your Word is holy and true
You have no beginning and You have no end
there is no one, no one like You

(from Psalm 93)

Somebody's Perfect

"Nobody's perfect,"
we've often heard it said

but that simply is not true

for God above
yes, the God of love

is perfect

and He's perfect for you

The Eye and the Ear

the ear asked the eye,
"What do you see?"

the eye said to the ear,
"I see what you hear."

All Mixed Up

Cardio and weight-training experts all concur that you should change up your workout routine every so often to experience maximum results. After much contemplation and grueling dialogue with my wife, we elected to give it a shot. So we mixed up our exercise regimen. We used to go to the gym on Sundays and Wednesdays. Now we go on Wednesdays and Sundays.

A Bagel Burned

Bernie burned his bagels
he burned his bagels bad

but Bernice loved burned bagels
the kind that Bernie had

Bernie burned his bagels badly
Bernice ate burned bagels gladly

Bernie and Bernice
Bernice and Bernie

now you've heard the story
of their burned bagel journey

It's a Body in Motion

teeth move
toes wiggle
boys chuckle
girls giggle
knees knock
bodies rock
fists sock
jaws lock

it's a body in motion

girls blink
boys wink
girls smell
boys stink

hands wave
hips sway
elbows move
every which way
it's a body in motion

noses blow
feet smell
eat too much
bellies swell

fingers snap
toes tap
folks dig music
teens rap

it's a body in motion

Now I See It

with every stroke

of brush or comb

I've a clearer picture

of my dome

Aliens Do Exist

There has been a modicum of verbiage regarding the visitation of alien life- forms to our planet. I never believed such nonsensical nonsense ... until now. I just dialogued with one of our grandsons. Sightings confirmed!

Nine Years Gone

it's hard to believe it's been nine years
since her passing from this earth

each day I grow more and more aware
of just how much my Mom was worth

her smile, why it was worth millions
her hugs, a million and two

what I wouldn't give to talk with her again
nine years gone today

and Mom

I'm still missing you

How do you see

two men were walking
along the exact same way
at exactly the same time
on exactly the same day

both of these men witnessed
exactly the same thing
one began to instantly cry
while the other began to sing

funny how we view things
as in the story of either dude
doesn't really matter what comes our way
what matters is our attitude

The Game of the Name

what if James had no tailor
what if Taylor wasn't swift
what if Karen wasn't a carpenter
is anyone catching my drift

what if Neil wasn't young
what if Carol married a king
what if Stevie had some nicks
would this matter any thing

what if John lived in Denver
what if Stephen ran illegal stills
what if Johnny had no cash
is this thinking bringing chills

what if Stevie didn't wonder
what if Ringo wasn't a star
what if Frankie lived in the valley
am I taking this too far

what if John became a mayor
what if Gladys sang at night
what if Whitney lived in Houston
would she be out of sight
what if Melissa was from Manchester

what if BB wasn't a king
what if David wore a bowie
what if the Police led a sting

what if Gordon had a light foot
what if Roberta gave you flack
what if Donna only played in summer
would our world be under attack

what if Wayne ate a fig newton
what if Hank played in the snow
what if Freddy crumpled his fender
how can anybody know

The Plunging of the Knife

he was in the very best shape
of his entire life

as was also
his beautiful wife

so no one knew why he picked up the knife

and plunged it deep into the heart

of the jar of fluffernutter

and ate until he could fit no more


I'm bound
I'm bound
for an Aruban town

I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town

I'll snorkel
I'll float
in the water
by the boat

yes, I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town
where I'll bask in the sun
and just lounge around

I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town

I'm so Glad

missed you, missed you
I'm so glad I kissed you

kissed you, kissed you
I'm so glad I found you

found you, found you
I'm so glad when I'm around you

around you, around you
with my love I will surround you

Marriage Is ...

Friendship ... romance ... mystique ... drama ... a lengthy novel
lived out every day.

I Blame My Wife

I have never—and I underscore the word never—found fault with my wife until now. She recently started buying shampoo that is making my hair fall out, and she is shrinking all of my clothes in the wash. Her latest prank?—she's speaking so softly I cannot hear a word anybody is saying!


the parking lot looked like a lake

my heart started to quiver and quake

should I gun it
or should I brake

blub blub blub

I guess I made a mistake

Keep Christ in Christmas

"Keep Christ in Christmas,"
the bumper sticker read

but as I studied those few words
I had to scratch my head

Keep Christ in Christmas
how do you keep Him out

it was He who made this world
can there be any doubt


Church is first in the heart, next in the home and finally in a building.

In Common

Mary wanted the moon
Julius wanted June
Larry was a loon
Tim wanted to sleep till noon

hear now what they had in common

Mary couldn't have the moon
Julius couldn't have June
Larry couldn't have been more of a loon
and Timmy woke up
five minutes to noon

God is Love


Seen and Known

if nobody saw
what he saw

then nobody knew
what he knew

but here was his

the Lord sees and knows


Home Again

my wife bought me an old
gray sweatshirt
at the goodwill store

and splashed across the front
were the letters

now every time I wear
that old
gray sweatshirt

I feel as though
I've gone back
home again

The Coffee Bean

I drown me sorrows in coffee

caffeine caffeine, caffeine

where in the world

would we be

without the coffee bean

Twins at Birth

Timmy and Tammy Tennagan
were twins from the day of their birth

tomorrow is their birthday
and they will have lived ten years on this earth

but one thing is for certain
of the twins named Tennagan

no matter what else they may achieve
they never will be ten again

No Time at All

I proved him wrong, I did! Whoever coined the phrase "Time stands still for no one" did not own a grandfather clock. I forgot to wind up the weights and sure enough....

How Fargo

J Lo
had a halo

and a kilo
in Key Largo

but the cargo
from Fargo

didn't go far


the weight I carried

a load of

but now
the Shepherd
carries me

His precious Name

Guy's Gal

Guy's gal Vi

told a sky high lie

Guy was sad and wondered why

so Guy said, "Vi,

why the lie?"

Vi said, "Guy,

don't ask why. You'll make me cry."

Mirror, Mirror

mirror, mirror
on the wall

who's the fairest
you make the call

"Okay," she said, "here's my call:

that gorgeous mirror
on the wall."

Everything Off

What do you do when you purchase an everything bagel and before you can enjoy anything, the everything falls off?

Kenny the Clown

Kenny the clown
was breaking down
and I don't mean his tent

he was sobbing tears
and nursing his fears
wondering where the crowds went

Kenny the clown
yes, he was down
performing live in an empty town

Out of Sight

having lived since birth
this much I know

you can't be in it
if you don't show

so get out of bed
clear your head

prove to the world
that you're not dead

run the race
with all your might

for soon you'll be
out of sight

I'm Ready Now

I woke up
got outta bed

said, "Oh my,
oh, my head!"

had my coffee
said, "Oh wow,

watch out world
I'm ready now!"


Change was one thing; what change brought was quite another. But what really threw him a curveball was when change changed change.

He Parted Me

He parted the Jordan

He parted the Red Sea

from sin
and from shame

He parted me

First Love

I don't want my first love to be a memory. I want it to be a reality.

Write, Pen, Write

It's kind of dizzying, you know, with all of the many buttons and features on all of our gadgets today. Well, check this out: You know how when you are typing on certain computer programs or working your GPS and you only put in a few letters and the word is finished for you? Well, I am required to do many things the old-fashioned way at my job. I was writing with a pen the other day, and I waited for that feature to kick in ... it didn't.

Found my Groove

I woke up

couldn't move

got a coffee

found my groove

Treasures of Gold

she was a goldmine
he a gold digger

he mined her every day

he loved her treasures
but he loved her more

more than words can say

Six-Star Marriage

Go ahead, splurge if you must. Have a five-star wedding.
But make it a six-star marriage! Cherish each other
every single day ... and never stop dating!

The Melody of You

You touched my heart, and like a song, the melody of you forever
rolls around in my mind.

Wife for Life

I told my wife
I would stay for life
we are now in our
36th year

can't even imagine
a day without her

she's so cherished
so precious
so dear

Deliver and Preserve

may the groans
of the prisoners
come before you

may you hear
their desperate cry

by the strength
of your arm
deliver them

and preserve those
condemned to die

(from Psalm 79)

What's the News?

"No news
is good news,"
is confusing
is it not

I say
it is very confusing
it's confusing me
a whole lot

I mean
what are you saying
that there is no good news
make up my mind, c'mon
help me choose

is it that there is no news
or that no news is good
can't you see it's confusing
I was hoping you would

That Can of Worms

I opened up
a can of worms

and then said to myself,

"I wish I never,
ever took

that can off of the shelf."

Only You

you stole my heart in 74

but gave me back
a whole lot more

you placed yourself within my heart

and from that place
you'll never part

never another
only you

no one twickerpates me
the way you do

In Flight

would try
to fly
his kite
in a sky

that boasted of no breeze

while she
thought to pray
for a
windy day

and floated her kite with ease

The Purpose


for a purpose

a purpose for


some choose to live

while others
to worship the King

The Hands that Carry me

the hands that touched the blind man

and caused his eyes to see

yes, the hands of a loving Savior

are the hands that carry me

Miss you, Mum

On this very day, December 8, in the year of our Lord 1919, a small bundle of female destiny was brought forth in the humble town of Presque Isle, Maine: Dorothy Evelyn Wilcox. She married and would eventually give birth to a tribe of darling little rug rats. On Easter Sunday, 2003, she passed from this life to the next. Today would have been her ninety-first birthday. Miss you, Mum!


Excerpted from Twists and Tales by Doug Dial Copyright © 2012 by Doug Dial. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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