Twists and Tales

Twists and Tales

by Doug Dial

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781477216156
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 06/26/2012
Pages: 238
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.54(d)

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Twists and Tales


By Doug Dial

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Doug Dial
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4772-1615-6


Chapter One

Sherry and the Shingles


single Sherry got a shingles shot

a single shot was what she got


she may be single

but she's got no shingles


for the single shingles shot she got

guaranteed her a healthy lot


The Weight of Love


if I should toss a rose


with every thought of you


the world would be so red


and tip over


The Day and the Life


... a wedding is having over many friends for one day ...

... marriage is having over one friend for a lifetime ...


Starve Your Fear


fear
has quite
an appetite


it grows
each time
you feed it


starve it
give it
naught to eat


if you
want
to defeat it


No One Like You


the Lord on high is mighty
He is robed in majesty
He reigns and He is armed with strength
like no one you've ever seen


Your throne was established long ago
You are from all eternity
mightier than the sound of thunder
than the crashing waves of the sea


the Lord on high is mighty
Your Word is holy and true
You have no beginning and You have no end
there is no one, no one like You


(from Psalm 93)


Somebody's Perfect


"Nobody's perfect,"
we've often heard it said


but that simply is not true


for God above
yes, the God of love


is perfect

and He's perfect for you


The Eye and the Ear


the ear asked the eye,
"What do you see?"


the eye said to the ear,
"I see what you hear."

All Mixed Up

Cardio and weight-training experts all concur that you should change up your workout routine every so often to experience maximum results. After much contemplation and grueling dialogue with my wife, we elected to give it a shot. So we mixed up our exercise regimen. We used to go to the gym on Sundays and Wednesdays. Now we go on Wednesdays and Sundays.

A Bagel Burned


Bernie burned his bagels
he burned his bagels bad


but Bernice loved burned bagels
the kind that Bernie had


Bernie burned his bagels badly
Bernice ate burned bagels gladly


Bernie and Bernice
Bernice and Bernie


now you've heard the story
of their burned bagel journey


It's a Body in Motion


teeth move
toes wiggle
boys chuckle
girls giggle
knees knock
bodies rock
fists sock
jaws lock


it's a body in motion


girls blink
boys wink
girls smell
boys stink


hands wave
hips sway
elbows move
every which way
it's a body in motion


noses blow
feet smell
eat too much
bellies swell


fingers snap
toes tap
folks dig music
teens rap


it's a body in motion


Now I See It


with every stroke


of brush or comb


I've a clearer picture


of my dome

Aliens Do Exist

There has been a modicum of verbiage regarding the visitation of alien life- forms to our planet. I never believed such nonsensical nonsense ... until now. I just dialogued with one of our grandsons. Sightings confirmed!

Nine Years Gone


it's hard to believe it's been nine years
since her passing from this earth


each day I grow more and more aware
of just how much my Mom was worth


her smile, why it was worth millions
her hugs, a million and two


what I wouldn't give to talk with her again
nine years gone today


and Mom


I'm still missing you


How do you see


two men were walking
along the exact same way
at exactly the same time
on exactly the same day


both of these men witnessed
exactly the same thing
one began to instantly cry
while the other began to sing


funny how we view things
as in the story of either dude
doesn't really matter what comes our way
what matters is our attitude


The Game of the Name


what if James had no tailor
what if Taylor wasn't swift
what if Karen wasn't a carpenter
is anyone catching my drift


what if Neil wasn't young
what if Carol married a king
what if Stevie had some nicks
would this matter any thing


what if John lived in Denver
what if Stephen ran illegal stills
what if Johnny had no cash
is this thinking bringing chills


what if Stevie didn't wonder
what if Ringo wasn't a star
what if Frankie lived in the valley
am I taking this too far


what if John became a mayor
what if Gladys sang at night
what if Whitney lived in Houston
would she be out of sight
what if Melissa was from Manchester


what if BB wasn't a king
what if David wore a bowie
what if the Police led a sting


what if Gordon had a light foot
what if Roberta gave you flack
what if Donna only played in summer
would our world be under attack


what if Wayne ate a fig newton
what if Hank played in the snow
what if Freddy crumpled his fender
how can anybody know


The Plunging of the Knife


he was in the very best shape
of his entire life


as was also
his beautiful wife


so no one knew why he picked up the knife


and plunged it deep into the heart


of the jar of fluffernutter


and ate until he could fit no more


Bound


I'm bound
I'm bound
for an Aruban town


I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town


I'll snorkel
I'll float
in the water
by the boat


yes, I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town
where I'll bask in the sun
and just lounge around


I'm bound to go down
to an Aruban town


I'm so Glad


missed you, missed you
I'm so glad I kissed you


kissed you, kissed you
I'm so glad I found you


found you, found you
I'm so glad when I'm around you


around you, around you
with my love I will surround you


Marriage Is ...


Friendship ... romance ... mystique ... drama ... a lengthy novel
lived out every day.

I Blame My Wife

I have never—and I underscore the word never—found fault with my wife until now. She recently started buying shampoo that is making my hair fall out, and she is shrinking all of my clothes in the wash. Her latest prank?—she's speaking so softly I cannot hear a word anybody is saying!

Underwater


the parking lot looked like a lake


my heart started to quiver and quake


should I gun it
or should I brake


blub blub blub


I guess I made a mistake


Keep Christ in Christmas


"Keep Christ in Christmas,"
the bumper sticker read


but as I studied those few words
I had to scratch my head


Keep Christ in Christmas
how do you keep Him out


it was He who made this world
can there be any doubt

Church

Church is first in the heart, next in the home and finally in a building.

In Common


Mary wanted the moon
Julius wanted June
Larry was a loon
Tim wanted to sleep till noon


hear now what they had in common


Mary couldn't have the moon
Julius couldn't have June
Larry couldn't have been more of a loon
and Timmy woke up
five minutes to noon


God is Love


GOD IS LOVE
tragedies
GOD IS LOVE
hurricanes
GOD IS LOVE
tornadoes
GOD IS LOVE
sickness
GOD IS LOVE
cyclones
GOD IS LOVE
earthquakes
GOD IS LOVE
volcanoes
GOD IS LOVE
depression
GOD IS LOVE
death
GOD IS LOVE


Seen and Known


if nobody saw
what he saw


then nobody knew
what he knew


but here was his
miscalculation


the Lord sees and knows


all
we
do


Home Again


my wife bought me an old
gray sweatshirt
at the goodwill store


and splashed across the front
were the letters
MAINE


now every time I wear
that old
gray sweatshirt


I feel as though
I've gone back
home again


The Coffee Bean


I drown me sorrows in coffee


caffeine caffeine, caffeine


where in the world


would we be


without the coffee bean


Twins at Birth


Timmy and Tammy Tennagan
were twins from the day of their birth


tomorrow is their birthday
and they will have lived ten years on this earth


but one thing is for certain
of the twins named Tennagan


no matter what else they may achieve
they never will be ten again

No Time at All

I proved him wrong, I did! Whoever coined the phrase "Time stands still for no one" did not own a grandfather clock. I forgot to wind up the weights and sure enough....

How Fargo


J Lo
had a halo


and a kilo
in Key Largo


but the cargo
from Fargo


didn't go far
enough


Carried


oh
the weight I carried


a load of
guilt
and
shame


but now
the Shepherd
carries me


praise
His precious Name


Guy's Gal


Guy's gal Vi


told a sky high lie


Guy was sad and wondered why


so Guy said, "Vi,


why the lie?"


Vi said, "Guy,


don't ask why. You'll make me cry."


Mirror, Mirror


mirror, mirror
on the wall


who's the fairest
you make the call


"Okay," she said, "here's my call:


that gorgeous mirror
on the wall."

Everything Off

What do you do when you purchase an everything bagel and before you can enjoy anything, the everything falls off?

Kenny the Clown


Kenny the clown
was breaking down
and I don't mean his tent


he was sobbing tears
and nursing his fears
wondering where the crowds went


Kenny the clown
yes, he was down
performing live in an empty town


Out of Sight


having lived since birth
this much I know


you can't be in it
if you don't show


so get out of bed
clear your head


prove to the world
that you're not dead


run the race
with all your might


for soon you'll be
out of sight


I'm Ready Now


I woke up
got outta bed


said, "Oh my,
oh, my head!"


had my coffee
said, "Oh wow,


watch out world
I'm ready now!"

Change

Change was one thing; what change brought was quite another. But what really threw him a curveball was when change changed change.

He Parted Me


He parted the Jordan


He parted the Red Sea


from sin
and from shame


He parted me

First Love

I don't want my first love to be a memory. I want it to be a reality.

Write, Pen, Write

It's kind of dizzying, you know, with all of the many buttons and features on all of our gadgets today. Well, check this out: You know how when you are typing on certain computer programs or working your GPS and you only put in a few letters and the word is finished for you? Well, I am required to do many things the old-fashioned way at my job. I was writing with a pen the other day, and I waited for that feature to kick in ... it didn't.

Found my Groove


I woke up


couldn't move


got a coffee


found my groove


Treasures of Gold


she was a goldmine
he a gold digger


he mined her every day


he loved her treasures
but he loved her more


more than words can say


Six-Star Marriage

Go ahead, splurge if you must. Have a five-star wedding.
But make it a six-star marriage! Cherish each other
every single day ... and never stop dating!


The Melody of You

You touched my heart, and like a song, the melody of you forever
rolls around in my mind.


Wife for Life

I told my wife
I would stay for life
we are now in our
36th year


can't even imagine
a day without her


she's so cherished
so precious
so dear


Deliver and Preserve


may the groans
of the prisoners
come before you


may you hear
their desperate cry


by the strength
of your arm
deliver them


and preserve those
condemned to die


(from Psalm 79)


What's the News?


"No news
is good news,"
is confusing
is it not


I say
it is very confusing
it's confusing me
a whole lot


I mean
what are you saying
that there is no good news
make up my mind, c'mon
help me choose


is it that there is no news
or that no news is good
can't you see it's confusing
I was hoping you would


That Can of Worms


I opened up
a can of worms


and then said to myself,


"I wish I never,
ever took


that can off of the shelf."


Only You


you stole my heart in 74


but gave me back
a whole lot more


you placed yourself within my heart


and from that place
you'll never part


never another
only you


no one twickerpates me
the way you do


In Flight


he
would try
to fly
his kite
in a sky


that boasted of no breeze


while she
thought to pray
for a
windy day


and floated her kite with ease


The Purpose


every
thing


for a purpose


a purpose for


every
thing


some choose to live
discontented


while others
to worship the King


The Hands that Carry me


the hands that touched the blind man


and caused his eyes to see


yes, the hands of a loving Savior


are the hands that carry me

Miss you, Mum

On this very day, December 8, in the year of our Lord 1919, a small bundle of female destiny was brought forth in the humble town of Presque Isle, Maine: Dorothy Evelyn Wilcox. She married and would eventually give birth to a tribe of darling little rug rats. On Easter Sunday, 2003, she passed from this life to the next. Today would have been her ninety-first birthday. Miss you, Mum!

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Twists and Tales by Doug Dial Copyright © 2012 by Doug Dial. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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