When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning
160
When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781617222429 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Companion Press |
| Publication date: | 07/22/2016 |
| Pages: | 160 |
| Sales rank: | 267,451 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x 0.60(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
When your Soulmate Dies
A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning
By Alan D. Wolfelt
Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2016 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-242-9
CHAPTER 1
SOULMATE LOVE
"A soulmate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace."
— Thomas Moore
Love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not — and cannot — exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives. Because human beings die, for those of us who continue to live there is no such thing as love without also, eventually, loss.
After a death, the stronger the love that bound two people who are now separated, the stronger the grief in the survivor. As we began to consider in this book's Introduction, soulmate love is an especially profound kind of love and connection. I am not someone who generally believes it is helpful to rank or compare loves and their subsequent grief, but I will say that in all my many years as a grief counselor and educator, the people who came to me for help with some of the most devastating, overwhelming feelings of grief and loss were grieving parents and grieving soulmates.
But before we begin to consider how to cope with your overwhelming grief, I would first like to back up and talk some more about the love that characterizes soulmate relationships. Love is what makes life meaningful. Deep love seems to make life deeply meaningful for soulmates. But how is soulmate love so strong and deep? In this chapter we'll review some of the most common characteristics of the soulmate relationship, which, when combined, form such a potent bond. As you'll see in later chapters, this review will be essential to our understanding of the flipside of soulmate love: soulmate grief.
Along the way, I'll invite you to write a little about your own singular soulmate experience with each of the characteristics. Remember-there are no rights and wrongs here. Your soulmate relationship may not have featured all of these characteristics. In addition, other attributes that you felt were central to your relationship may not be listed. The uniqueness of your special relationship could never be fully captured in a few pages, anyway. You know that, and I know that. Rather than being an exhaustive or definitive list, the characteristics that follow-presented in no particular order-were simply those that most stood out to me in my work and communications with grieving soulmates.
[] Shared values
The soulmate relationship is typically built on a bedrock of shared values and beliefs. Without this foundation, a soulmate relationship may not be possible.
"We iteratively sought out and agreed upon fundamental truths in raising our family. When a crossroads came, we prayed and sought counsel about which path to take. Our prayer life together matured as we aged."
— Bob Troublefield
Following are some of the most common shared values I was able to glean from the many letters I received from grieving soulmates:
• Our family is our priority.
• Our faith and/or religion and/or spirituality is essential.
• We value spending time together with friends.
• We value volunteerism and giving back.
• We value sharing fun experiences.
• We value creating and maintaining a comfortable home.
Are there others you would add?
Of course, each soulmate pair has its own unique set of values and beliefs. It doesn't matter precisely what the values and beliefs consist of. What matters is that the partners generally agree on the important stuff. They are on the same Page with a capital P. Believing in and living the same principles seems to open the door to the other soulmate characteristics that follow.
I look to the idea of "soul" again when I consider this attribute of the soulmate relationship. Perhaps the soul comes down to earth with a profound knowing of the most important truths of existence. Maybe souls that join together as soulmates for their tenure as human beings are souls that somehow escaped the snare of the earthly ego and never lost this knowing.
Which significant values and beliefs did you and your soulmate share? Were there any you didn't hold in common? How did your shared or unshared values affect your relationship?
[] Best friends
Whether they are also lovers or not, soulmates almost always describe themselves as best friends. They genuinely like each other. They communicate. They talk regularly and share things big and small. They confide in one another. They are loyal to one another. They make joint decisions. They go through life's ups and downs together as if on a bicycle built for two.
Trust, in turn, is what lies beneath the best-friends nature of the soulmate relationship. Soulmates tend to trust one another more than they trust anyone else. They are honest with one another. They "show up" for one another, day in and day out. When one of them makes a mistake, they tend to forgive. And because of this earned and demonstrated mutual trust, they feel safe and secure in their relationship and thus in life.
"He was my safe place. When Darren was there, I knew I was cared for, and I had this undeniable confidence that all was as it should be."
— Megan Quinn
Some soulmates describe this sense of safety in the soulmate relationship as feeling "at home." Others describe a sense of peace. "When I was with him, I felt peacefulness never before experienced," wrote Marcia Teachout. Geralyn Nathe-Evans concurred, saying that she and her husband felt they had arrived at "a place of great peace and calm, love and devotion."
When a soulmate dies, chaos replaces peace and calm. Trust is obliterated. And the surviving soulmate is suddenly without his or her best friend. No wonder the grief is so devastating.
Were you and your soulmate best friends? If yes, in what ways? If not, why not? How important was trust to your relationship? Did you experience a feeling of being "at home" or "at peace" with your soulmate? If so, how?
[] Companionship
Soulmates usually spend lots of time together. They tend to be inseparable companions. Their love is not only deep, it is daily. Most soulmates live in the same household, and their lives revolve around one another. They enjoy sharing the rituals of their daily lives, and even when they part for separate activities — for work or for individual hobbies, for example — they tend to keep tabs on one another throughout the day with phone calls or texting. Upon returning home they may spend some time catching up with one another, taking turns giving reports on their time apart. In fact, the soulmate relationship is typically an everyday kind of relationship built on what may seem from the outside like the most mundane details.
"We were two peas-in-a-pod, and we could even read each other's minds. We both worked full-time jobs but spent all of our non-work hours together. We would grocery shop together, clean house together, work in the yard together, and perform volunteer work together. We were not only husband and wife but best friends, lovers, confidants, caregivers, and soulmates."
— Jo Anne Gregory
I said it before and I'll say it again: the deeper the love, the deeper the grief after a death. I would also add: the more present the love in life, the more present the grief after death. A relationship built on near-constant companionship can't help but leave the surviving person in a deep void when one soulmate dies. The surviving soulmate is confronted with the physical reality of the loss nearly constantly.
When you have grown accustomed to orbiting every day around someone whose company you enjoy and have grown to depend on — and suddenly that person is gone — your minute-by-minute existence is thrown into disarray. You have not only lost your best friend and confidant, you may also have lost your breakfast companion, your laundry partner, your sous chef, your walking buddy, your TV-watching sidekick, and your bedwarmer in one fell swoop — and this is to mention just a few of the myriad facets of daily presence you may now be missing.
What did your day-to-day companionship with your soulmate consist of, especially in the last years of your relationship?
[] Intimacy and attraction
The joy of physical contact with others is something we revel in when we are young children but tend to lose as we grow older. In our culture, rarely do adults hug and touch one another on a daily basis — but soulmates often do. They are among the privileged few who continue to enjoy the grounding and healing benefits of regular physical contact.
"We held hands whenever we could — walking, in the car, at the store, and at church. There is something about skin-to-skin contact with your best friend."
— Rita Roush
"We didn't care that we showed people how much we loved each other, whether by holding hands, giving a kiss, or just looking at each other as if no one else existed but us two."
— Marsha Pettigrew
"Tall, dark, handsome, but humble and shy, Ron asked me to dance back in 1969. Magnetism. Attraction. I said yes."
— Marilyn Stroud
Soulmates who are also lovers share the intimacy of sexuality as well as general physical closeness, both of which enhance their bond. They are comfortable with one another's bodies as well as personalities, likes and dislikes, and other aspects of self. Some soulmates described the spark of physical passion as being central to their relationships, while others spoke of their long-term intimacy as more of a product of trust, commitment, communication, and spiritual connection.
Please describe the attraction, passion, and intimacy you and your soulmate shared. In what ways did your physical closeness change throughout the course of your relationship?
[] Sense of humor
Soulmates often share a similar sense of humor, or, if they do not, an appreciation for one another's sense of humor. A sense of fun, levity, and laughter is typically central to the soulmate relationship. "Every day we spent together we made a fun day, regardless of whether we were doing nothing or doing something," wrote Karen Steen. Patti Stahl said that her soulmate brother was the funniest man she knew. "You know when you just feel better being around certain people ... just because? That was how I felt with Mike." And Ruth Turner wrote, "He made me laugh, and that is such a joy that I miss now with him gone."
"He had a wonderful gift of gab and humor. Many of our days together began with a laugh. He was, in countless ways, my North Star."
— Laura Renker
As Ruth shared, laughter is one of life's greatest joys, and so to spend your days in companionship with someone who loves to laugh, make you laugh, and just have fun is a gift of the highest order. To have that gift taken away must then also be a loss of the highest order.
Write about your soulmate's sense of humor and desire to have fun in life and how those intersected with or amplified your own.
[] Vulnerability
Soulmates open themselves to one another. Seeing the awesome possibilities enabled by the trust we discussed above, they let down their guards and allow their partners to see them as they are, in all their glory and all their faults. Any initial insecurities, vanity, or posturing they may have brought to the relationship are usually dropped over time. The ego, which worries about false things like appearances, status, and being right, fades into the background, and the soul, which is concerned with truths such as the timeless spirit, the beauty of existence, joy, and love, comes to the fore.
"We hurt together when one hurt and put each other's needs above our own. We laughed uncontrollably together and cried out loud together. We lived life together, heart to heart."
— Bob Troublefield
Research professor and author Brené Brown says that we "cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be seen and known." From inside the context of the soulmate relationship, we are able to see that vulnerability is not the weakness we may have thought of it as but rather the asset that brings soulmates closer and closer together, creating the conditions for their love to continually deepen. The more vulnerable they allow themselves to be with one another, the tighter their bond.
Alas, it is this same vulnerability that opens soulmates to such profound grief ... but also, as we will soon discuss, to such profound hope and healing.
In what ways did you and your soulmate open yourselves to one another? How did your mutual vulnerability enhance and grow your relationship?
[] Kindness
Plain old kindness may actually be a superpower when it comes to soulmate relationships. Don't get me wrong — soulmates are not always nice to one another. As human beings, they are not perfect. They don't always agree, and they may be unkind to one another sometimes. Yet most of the time soulmates make the effort to treat each other with courtesy and kindness.
"A true soulmate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and shake you awake."
— Elizabeth Gilbert
What kindness looks like varies from relationship to relationship, of course. One soulmate may be good at thoughtful conversation, while another may be good at expressing care by completing essential household tasks or simply being present and attentive. Physical kindness may involve hugs and kisses; social kindness could include helping a less socially skilled partner navigate gatherings and events. While it comes in many forms, genuine soulmate kindness requires mutual respect and empathy.
When a thousand daily kindnesses are suddenly revoked by death, what happens? The surviving soulmate is no longer attended to and cared for in the same way. It can leave you feeling like the sun got turned off — cold and lost in the dark.
How were you and your soulmate kind to one another? Did your kindness evolve over the years? If so, in what ways?
[] Longevity
Many (but sadly, not all) soulmates are fortunate to share decades together. For some it will be the longest close relationship of their lives. In fact, a number of the soulmates who wrote to me spoke of meeting as teenagers. The longevity of their relationship hones and enhances their closeness.
"We had an enviable marriage in the later years, an easy companionship centered on love, commitment, and putting each other first. Our relationship hadn't always been that way, which was why it was all the more incredible in its richness."
— Mary Potter Kenyon
In fact, many soulmates seem to get closer and closer as they grow older together. Quite a few soulmates have told me that their years and experiences together are what allowed them to transform into soulmates. They seem to find a "together rhythm," especially, for those who are also parents, after their children have grown and left home.
How long were you in a relationship with your soulmate? Did the relationship deepen over time? Why or why not? How would you say the duration of your relationship has affected your grief?
[] Perseverance
Coupled with longevity is the quality of perseverance. Grieving soulmate stories almost always include some variation on this phrase: "We've been through so much together." Soulmates are often partners who learn to weather adversity as a team. Life is replete with loss, and soulmates join to hold each other up and persevere in the face of challenges such as illness, job loss, financial straits, aging, legal troubles, relocation, crises of faith, childrearing, and, of course, the death of loved ones.
While naturally the soulmate stories I've been privileged to hear include times of shared joy as well, I've noticed they tend to focus even more on times of shared loss. That's because our griefs not only test us, they reveal us. They strip away everything inconsequential, leaving us exposed and shattered. When two people allow themselves to be completely vulnerable to one another at such times, transparent and genuine, their souls meet. Mustering the fortitude to offer each other kindness, attention, and assistance when times are tough strengthens the soulmate bond more mightily than exclusively enjoying good times together can.
Write about the most significant losses you and your soulmate experienced during the course of your relationship. How did you survive them together?
[] Selflessness and sacrifice
Soulmates try to put their relationship needs above their own individual needs. While they do not lose their individuality to the relationship, they tend to subordinate personal desires that may conflict with the shared goals of the relationship. They compromise and sacrifice, but they do so in the hopes that their investment will pay off a hundredfold in the form of shared joy and meaning.
Soulmates put their partner's needs above their own individual needs as well sometimes. Do you remember "The Gift of the Magi," by O. Henry? In the story Christmas is approaching, and the young married couple is too poor to be able to give each other gifts. So, unbeknownst to one another, the wife sells her beautiful hair to buy the husband a platinum pocket-watch chain, and the husband sells his pocket watch to buy the wife a set of decorative hair combs. They end up realizing, of course, that their mutual, selfless love is the greatest gift of all.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from When your Soulmate Dies by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2016 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Preface 1
Introduction 3
What is a soulmate? 3
Soulmates other than spouses or life partners 4
Secret soulmate relationships 6
What about the "soul" in "soulmate"? 7
Welcome to the conversation 9
Two halves that become one 10
What is grief? 10
Soulmate grief 11
Soulmate grief as complicated grief 13
What is mourning? 15
An invitation to personalize your experience 15
Chapter 1 Soulmate Love 23
Shared values 26
Best friends 27
Companionship 29
Intimacy and attraction 31
Sense of humor 32
Vulnerability 33
Kindness 34
Longevity 35
Perseverance 36
Selflessness and sacrifice 37
Adventure 38
Rituals 39
A sense of privilege and honor 40
The love of your life 42
Chapter 2 Heroic Mourning 43
Heroic mourning 48
What heroic mourning is not 49
Grief as a quest 50
Committing to your quest 52
My Grief Quest Commitment 56
Chapter 3 An Introduction to the Six Needs of Heroic Mourning 57
Preparing for your quest 62
The Grieving Soulmate's Code of Honor 63
Chapter 4 Heroic Mourning Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of your soulmate's death 65
Ideas for grieving soulmates 71
Chapter 5 Heroic Mourning Need 2: Embrace the pain of the loss 75
Ideas for grieving soulmates 80
Chapter 6 Heroic Mourning Need 3: Remember your soulmate 87
Soulmates with dementia 90
Ideas for grieving soulmates 92
A linking object soulmate story 93
Chapter 7 Heroic Mourning Need 4: Develop a new self-identity 99
Continued intertwining 103
Ideas for grieving soulmates 106
Chapter 8 Heroic Mourning Need 5: Search for meaning 111
Ideas for grieving soulmates 116
Chapter 9 Heroic Mourning Need 6: Receive ongoing support from others 123
Ideas for grieving soulmates 127
Chapter 10 Reaching the Goal of your Quest-Reconciliation 135
Signs of reconciliation 139
Working toward wholeheartedness 142
Relighting your divine spark 144
Loving again 146
A Final Word 149
Using This Book In a Soulmate Grief Support Group 150
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