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Why I Want to Die
By B.L. Phipps
Infinity PublishingCopyright © 2005 B.L. Phipps
All right reserved.
Chapter OneWhy I Want to Die
By B. L. Phipps
The words of the therapist will be in bold type. The words of the patient will be in italics. Session One The therapist asked, "Why?" Why do you want to die? Is there some mystery you cannot solve? Or feeling or reason or emotion you cannot absolve? The reason, kind Sir, I can speak For this world, I guess, I am too meek As to the reason I want to die I shall surely tell you the reason why My life is over and so I desire To commit my body to the fire God is silent to my prayer I feel as though I am speaking to the air There are no comforting arms to hold me tight No loving voice to say so in the night No welcome to my call Or entrance at my answer to her call This would not be so bad says I But the Bible denies all others until I die Condemned to live alone with her, or without When we speak our differences we too easily shout To speak or be silent I know the loss She lives and behaves as though she is boss I earn too little for her buying I am too easily content with my low pay she's crying So a cold shoulder I do earn No, affection, so I burn! Even flowers and a hug I'll be asked what do you want, and there's a bug Bury the feelings into a pit The feelings only crawl out of it Deeper feelings into the bowels of my being They only creep out and send me reeling Think and reason, I can do, but empty, I am impaired The more I search, no options, none, I am despaired To deny the loneliness I cannot cure The ever-tightening emotional noose knot I have to endure I have balanced my hopes and dreams Against the loveless stress, it is heavier it seems To end my life, others benefit the more Donate my organs, and thoughts for others to explore How cold it is and none to warm There is no heat for me in any form In a sense, I am dead My life is as valueless as lead There is no virtue in the living So I will die in my last giving That is the reason I want to die Selfish? Perhaps, but I've said no lie My energies cannot fight these things They all the more closely to me cling I wish to end my life For the benefit of others and end my strife That is why, Sir, why I want to die You say you want to die The weight is crushing you, you cry I would propose a possible solution A way of seeing a peaceful resolution Understand the pain you suffer and the words you utter Our compound sins create the gold and the gutter To be self-righteous is the worst kind of blindness Looking down or looking up, it is still shortsightedness Be aware you have a soul for heaven, and its Maker To live less than its value insults its Creator To see our choices for good or evil, we knowing little of our life Did I, we, decide right and wrong, our soul's reflections of strife You are right, to live without Love is a great pain To find it faithful and true a great gain The pain isn't illusion, neither the glory of Truth Please do not speak of falsehood; that is uncouth Faith in the Bible, an illusion, a delusion many have said You will find Truth, too late when you are dead I understand you wish to die; in living we may have to take a dive I want to help you see, God, others and yourself how to be alive Feelings motivate us to action and to muse Knowledge gives us facts to use Wisdom is the use of such The choices of the soul, beliefs do much Feelings come and feelings go Perspectives change the facts we know Wisdom tempers the speed we act Times change, pain, pleasure its hard to keep our pact (pact = marriage vows) Feelings are as weather, blows softly or in gusts Knowledge is limited to what motivates us Wisdom is the ability to move according to the truth we known Actions, our beliefs in motion, what truth embraced is our grow'n Are you finished with your monologue? You speak rightly, but life's a fog To those in pain with burdens to carry You claim to know, you speak, than to others do you hurry Life's a war. To live and for a cause to die Either to self or others, hard to discern between truth and a lie Pleasure and pain, ignorance, falsehoods obscure right and truth To ferret out what is what, who, if you can, knows how to sleuth I feel tormented in my mind By a demon who creates a double bind There is no comfort; there is no peace There is no balm; there is no release The steel bands about my head Weigh it down like rings of lead I see the demon, the pain that he creates He tries, mocks my convictions, the word of God he desecrates I cannot escape this torture of the mind To end it anyway, I can, I am inclined The visions I see in such clarity Become inescapable to me To feel the pain as a coal fire It is discomfort; to deny it, I would be a liar I felt betrayed by God above I felt betrayed by the one I love He did not do as he said He set me up to fail instead He made the world in all its glory Then life exists, wonder, but it says another story I must work that is OK, I guess But it never gets done, it's always a mess My spouse who pledged to love me A promise from you? It is written of thee The refusal to be loved hurts as a flame of Hell The burning sensation, hard to take, express, or tell That is what you (God) said I know you did A promise that doesn't deliver, not a man, but a kid Anger consumes mental energy and focus Emotion of self-righteousness to locus So hollow, empty, void of life The torment of a cancer, strife Through the pain I learn to hate I become blind to choices I create I become dogmatic about my sin I claim I really have light within False opinions worth more than gold All it does is make sin more bold Where is your love in depths of despair? Heal this shredded heart, I appeal, beyond repair There is no peace of mind for me Condemned to the flame that is me A drop of mercy would sting like acid My nerves are lost; my hope is hid The burning, hollow, painful, lonely, feelings bring tearing There is no peace, hope, only torment, lonely despair and fearing Wouldst thou enter with me into the dark abyss? To feel what I feel, miss what I miss To know rejection, hand in hand What sayest thou? Canst thou stand? Can you see the devils dancing in my mind? Can you see their mocking glee? How unkind! Your words of grace, peace and serenity It creates pain; it is unreal in my reality I am trapped! No options, pain at every hand There is no hope, relief, my mind, my grief's demand My plea there is nothing, I am void of comfort, my torment What? You have no words of comfort? No? Comment? Surely your sage advice can be turned to deeds. I wait in anguish, in despair, who hears my needs? Demons of the mind Haunting ghosts of like kind Specters in the mist Pain we all feel does exist In the fog of living shadows Regardless, of act or not, life still goes We live and act by our ability We live by our perceptions of reality Angels of light we imagine that we call Devils of night, we see upon the wall What is real and what is not? It's hard living not knowing what you've got Be it good ability in time of woes Or afflictions in the head to toes A house of mirrors as I live my life, way unknown Doors opened, halls closed, even when I'm shown Discerning glass mirrors and imagined pathways I see The dead-end, false realities; yet I can touch you and me In the house of mirrors, fearsome shapes arise Many mundane, many jump out and surprise They are many and varied, threatening as I move about People by the billions all trying to figure this maze out In the house of mirrors, fantasies enthrall The tempter shouts, come one come all They are many and varied, seducing, beckoning me to come People by the billions all try to follow them, speechless and numb The truth about the house of mirrors is it matters not the talk The truth about the house of mirrors is it matters most the walk The truth about the house of mirrors not every way is right There is but one path that is not illusion and only it will bring delight But, everything hurts, even compassion It tells me then pressure how crushin' Just to be conscious and conscience is to feel pain An ounce of love is a pound of hurt, no gain The "cure" feels worse than the disease Even if not true, another pain of cold you see I've become alien to myself A burning cold, empty labor, a dusty shelf The injustice I see without The injustice within a silent shout End the pain, I want to die, no mistake Feelings of rejection, by loved ones, are hard to take In despair, there is no light In despair, there is no end to night In despair, there is anguish of pain In despair, there is no happiness, no gain Desires of the heart go unmet; life is wearisome, tiring To continue anyway becomes a crucible firing The more simple and basic, the desire unmet The deeper possible the despair, the deeper the pit What does life consist of in this world? Upon what are our flags unfurled? Upon the money that we get? Upon information granting smiles and making one upset? Upon the values and images of the mind? Upon the service we give or receive in kind? Upon the twitching of the genitals, feelings within? Upon the touch, the massaging of the skin? It becomes as nothing, water upon the sand Fleeting as the notes played by a band Where is the purpose in the infliction of the pain? Senseless to create misery, of humanity it is a bane I feel a drop of rejection hurts like fire Being wrong hurts as a burn, my rights a funeral pyre Where do you go when the face of the God of all Becomes the face of the devil, any options, I find a wall When all about you is tainted with wrong Nothing right, but all is evil, I have no song The piece of God's mind I have is judgment, a hissing The peace of God's mind, peace, a blessing Hurts that are physical I'm told are only temporal But in the spiritual realm such torments are eternal Join me in my despair and it in the death I'm dying, being boiled Are you so clean? Are you afraid of being unclean, thus soiled? Answer me now, please speak, words of comfort please I will die, if you don't end the pain, I appeal, the pain, appease. (As the patient spoke the therapist thought This pain will not go away, may my words be not for naught It can be dispelled a while, but hides in the shadows Coming out again another day with bow and arrows) These painful memories leave scars upon the soul Only God can cure such pain, heal and make whole The therapist gently took the patient's hand Saying no words, it became a fleshly band Gently spoke, this pain is not an evalution of you It is not to say your life is through This pain blinds, can cause impaired thinking Causes paralysis, so at sin many are winking What is gained by being bitter towards God? What really causes pain, yes, but battle not with God (Their hands slowly parted) I once plumbed the dark abyss of despair It's numbing cold, I called help, but none would hear Is this how God treats those of His salvation? If this is faith, then I am in defection I must cure this throbbing pain within It must leave, so it never comes again I searched in vain for a cure But in, why, I found an offered hope to endure Pain comes from three directions All due to afflictions and deprivations When the body doesn't get food, it lets you know, it hurts When the mind doesn't get satisfied by solutions, it hurts When the soul doesn't get assurance of love it hurts When we mistake them for each other, it creates hurts Why do I want to die? To be with Christ again When I leave here He greets me, say, "Amen" The solutions for the body never feed the soul The solutions for the mind will never make me whole The solutions for the soul are not met by reason or by space The solutions for the soul are found by coming to Christ's place Sin causes pain, both me to you and you to me Sin causes blindness in me to you and you to me Sin causes paralysis in me to you and you to me Sin causes imaginations of lies in me to you and you to me Imagined pains mixed with real Hard discerning the true from the way we think we feel My pain haunts me every day It screams, "Thou art in sin and thou shalt pay!" It seeks to make a prey of me Another mis-step to drive another arrow into me Think, man which pains are by my own hand, discern Which pains are by the hand of others learn Pain is pain many say, but it is not all true I can reduce pain by changing, reduce others pain only they can do The pain, the weight, and its compression The pain drives one to a great and dizzying depression I cannot carry this ponderous weight It breaks the back, and it is my fate It is a lonely load to bear My soul cries within, it is not fair Would you wish to add to the load of care? Your words, theirs that make the tempers flare? Would you wish to bear the grudges you create? Unforgiving, doubles the load, it triples when you imagine hate There are just two things I can give God's word, by it, and as Job, we die yet we live Then there is my presence here to give to you Acceptance, to guide out of wrongs, grant vision to see you through The way is long, the night is deep But there is a God, whose way dost keep I am spent, I cannot try and I want to die Let us walk together through this valley of death and depression To our doom, in darkness we will be rushin'
Excerpted from Why I Want to Die by B.L. Phipps Copyright © 2005 by B.L. Phipps. Excerpted by permission.
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