Table of Contents
Introduction 1
1 Do What Makes You Happy 5
2 If No One Gives You a Medal, Design Your Own 17
3 Avoid People Who Say They Know the Answer 29
4 Never Run in Loose Underwear 43
5 Interfere with Yourself on a Regular Basis 57
6 Plot Your Escape 67
7 Never Change Planes to Wash Your Socks 85
8 Seek Wisdom at the Font of Snapple 97
9 Consider Yourself Lucky 111
10 Take Your Knickers Down and Dance 125
11 Learn to Do the Moonie 143
12 If you arrive on a Motorcycle, You'll have a Better Day 157
13 Grow Your Hair 167
14 Stay Clear of Musicals 183
15 Aim Higher than 'Stupid but Saveable' 195
16 Get Yourself a Fire-Breathing Hootchy-Cootchy Dancer 209
17 Fuck Political Correctness 223
18 Learn to Speak Baby 237
19 If You Can Lie on the Floor 251
20 Embrace the Non Sequitur 265
21 If Your Heart Stops, Apply Vinegar 277
22 Misbehave in Public 297
23 Beware the Indomitable Jobbie 309
24 Swear like a Glaswegian 321
25 Strip as Many Willows as You Can 337
26 Don't Eat Anything that Comes in a Bucket 347
27 Save the Baby Crimples 369
Acknowledgments 391
Picture Acknowledgments 392