With a Twist of Rhyme: Over 200 Rhymes Humorous, Folksy, Sarcastic Plus One Hymn

With a Twist of Rhyme: Over 200 Rhymes Humorous, Folksy, Sarcastic Plus One Hymn

by Joann Sprangers Lee

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Overview

With a Twist of Rhyme: Over 200 Rhymes Humorous, Folksy, Sarcastic Plus One Hymn by Joann Sprangers Lee

With a Twist of Rhyme is a collection of mostly humorous rhymes with punch-lines or twists at the end. It's a great book to pick up for a quick laugh when you need one. All family and friends mentioned are real and became subjects of her rhyming exaggerations based on occasions or events in their lives.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781481762816
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 07/17/2013
Pages: 120
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.28(d)

Read an Excerpt

With a Twist of Rhyme

Over 200 Rhymes Humorous, Folksy, Sarcastic Plus One Hymn


By Joann Sprangers Lee

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2013 Joann Sprangers Lee
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4817-6281-6



CHAPTER 1

    Addiction

    There is a distinction
    Twixt drink and addiction
    Though sometimes the boundaries are blurred.
    I suggest you not think
    It is harmless to drink
    When already your words are all slurred.


    Adventure

    What happened to adventurous me
    Who roamed the earth and sailed the sea?
    I'd bring her back from who-knows-where
    If I were not stuck in this chair.


    After the Storm

    The street is filled with skeletons
    And shattered bits of skin.
    A mighty battle they have lost
    To see the shape they're in.
    The sun now shines; the storm is past.
    They once sailed overhead—
    Now lie in tatters on the street,
    Umbrellas torn and dead.


    Joann Sprangers Lee

    Ah, to Nap
    If ever I should fall asleep and it is still mid-day
    An anti-nap phenomenon comes quickly into play.
    A beacon through the stratosphere tells friends and family
    That it is time to dial the phone and have a chat with me.
    So when you feel the urge to dial for a quick "hello"
    First sit down and read the paper for an hour or so.


    April Snow

    An April snowstorm has arrived.
    A few tough daffodils survived.
    Though yesterday was sunny spring
    We'd given clocks their forward swing.
    The clocks and weather were bewitched,
    Because that night the seasons switched
    With winter storming its way in
    And caring not how spring it's been.

    Cactus

    My cactus plant is sweet and shy.
    It grabs my skirt as I walk by.


    Alternate Pets

    Perfect pets are always cute and sometimes useful too.
    A pet cow gives its owner more than just a friendly moo.
    Fresh milk and cream that you can whip, plus make exotic cheese.
    And what a fertilizer to encourage backyard trees!
    But pet cows make a few demands; you milk them twice a day,
    Which means you get no time away, no not a single day.
    A cow has need of ample space which may be rather hard,
    Particularly if you do not have a spacious yard.
    Perhaps a chicken is preferred as quite a useful pet.
    It lays its eggs most every day and seldom needs a vet.
    It won't demand affection when you are not in the mood.
    Its eggs are filled with protein and make most nutritious food.
    A chicken is a problem when you're in the house with it.
    It cannot be housebroken, so there's always chicken shit.
    A soft and cuddly rabbit would be quite a lovely pet.
    They do not jump and lick on you and get your face all wet.
    They're cute and very cuddly and will not pester you.
    And when you have grown sick of them, they make a tasty stew.


    Camouflage

    Ah yes, I'm old but what the heck.
    A good scarf hides a wrinkled neck.


    Baking Sweets

    They wake on Sunday morning to the smell of baking sweets,
    Of cookies, breads, and muffins, cakes and lots of yummy treats.
    How much they'd like to leap from bed, rush out and eat it all.
    Unfortunately I'm the baker; they live down the hall.


    Blossoms

    The town was dressed in blossoms
    For as far as eye could see.
    All tethered to the earth in clouds of pink and ivory.
    I hoped the town would hold them tight
    And blossomed days would stay.
    But when I stepped outside today,
    They "poof" had blown away.


    Bee-Fuddled

    A bunch of bees went buzzing by.
    They zigged and zagged to left and right.
    They could not find their favorite blooms.
    I put them in a vase last night.


    Balancing Act

    Of all of nature's mysteries this is the greatest one,
    And when I see it daily always wonder how it's done.
    A man so wide and very tall,
    How does he balance and not fall?
    He walks all day on little feet
    But seldom falls flat on the street.
    No matter what his height and girth
    His feet remain affixed to earth.
    I watch you walking down the street
    On what are much too teeny feet.
    I watch in wonder knowing that
    Reality should knock you flat.


    Arrogance

    She's arrogant, they say of me, her self-opinion high.
    Most of my siblings are the same. I often wonder why.
    I look around at cousins from my father's family.
    They're all more self-assured and louder than they need to be.
    Is there some strain of boastfulness found in our DNA?
    Not that we'd change it if we could. It's fun to be this way!


    Catch a Flight

    The airline website clearly said
    Arrive at least three hours ahead.
    "Whoa!" I thought, but said, "Okay."
    I follow orders. I obey.
    Quickly I sped through the line.
    One hour would have been just fine.
    The airline told a big fat lie
    So now I sit and wait to fly.


    Burger Alarm

    A burger and some fries—
    Oh what a nice surprise.
    You're filled with juicy fat
    And salt, a ton of that!
    My pleasure would increase
    If all those warnings cease.
    Deliciousness full tilt
    With Burgers but no guilt.


    Calendar Pages

    The calendar pages are flipping so fast;
    Last year had just started and now it is past.


    Jimmied

    Jimmy, Jimmy what's he done—
    Rhymed an email just for fun.
    Rog and Joann work all day.
    To rhyme each single thing they say.
    No word from those with no time
    To turn their emails into rhyme.


    Career Choice

    When I arrived at Amex a big choice was given me:
    Become a low Admin Assist or right up to VP.
    I walked the Amex halls to see which group best suited me.
    Associates showed jolly grins and chatted happily.
    If someone looked too serious, I knew, yup, some VP.
    But VPs have the power and the big fat salary.
    I am a little power hungry and a bit greedy.
    But would I rather talk to Phyllis, Kathy or May Lee,
    To Erika or Lorie? Or some stressed-out VP.
    As I was just about to choose, a voice mail came to me.
    They did not want a VP here who writes dumb poetry.
    Well, they can keep that VP spot. It's quite all right with me.
    I'd rather be a low admin for all eternity.


    Carma's Mansion

    Carma bought a mansion with some windows—sixty-eight.
    Carma has not moved in yet, but she can hardly wait.
    Carma loves to polish glass—it has some French doors, too.
    Carma can't come to the phone, she has some work to do.

    Carma bought a Yonkers mansion with some bedrooms—six.
    Carma bought a mansion that has lots of stuff to fix.
    Carma bought a mansion that has lots of rooms to heat.
    Carma cannot pay for that and buy some food to eat.

    Carma bought a Yonkers mansion with some bathrooms—five.
    Carma will not live in some low-class four-bathroom dive.
    Carma has some dusting rags, a vacuum, Windex, too.
    Carma can't come out to play, she has some work to do.

    Cherry Snatcher

    Bouquet of snow white blossoms it hands you in the spring,
    Then gifts of bright red cherries, those tart and tasty things!
    A miracle of nature with fruit and flowers, too,
    Then thieving robin red-breast steals every one from you.


    Carolee

    Who is the sweetest person in my lifelong memory?
    There is one name that comes to mind and that is Carolee.
    She always makes you smile when she pops into your view,
    And looks just like an angel, though she's had misfortune too.
    Through trial and tribulation, she turns to God and prayer,
    And shows by her example how we all should love and care.
    I wonder if there's any chance in some lifetime I'll be
    As kind and sweet and beautiful as our own Carolee.


(Continues...)


Excerpted from With a Twist of Rhyme by Joann Sprangers Lee. Copyright © 2013 Joann Sprangers Lee. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

Addiction....................     1     

Adventure....................     1     

After the Storm....................     1     

Ah, to Nap....................     2     

April Snow....................     2     

Cactus....................     2     

Alternate Pets....................     3     

Camouflage....................     3     

Baking Sweets....................     4     

Blossoms....................     4     

Bee-Fuddled....................     4     

Balancing Act....................     5     

Arrogance....................     5     

Catch a Flight....................     6     

Burger Alarm....................     6     

Calendar Pages....................     6     

Jimmied....................     7     

Career Choice....................     7     

Carma's Mansion....................     8     

Cherry Snatcher....................     8     

Carolee....................     9     

Charged with Eternal Youth....................     9     

Eau de Alcohol....................     9     

Celebrity Causes....................     10     

Caramel Apples....................     10     

Chat....................     11     

Chocolate Sense....................     11     

Christmas Needles....................     12     

Clothes Line....................     12     

Natasha....................     12     

Cloud of Suspicion....................     12     

Christmas 1976....................     13     

Daylight Saving....................     13     

Collecting....................     14     

Computer Forwards....................     14     

Compared to Me....................     14     

Coin Bank....................     15     

Confetti....................     15     

Corny....................     16     

Parents that Drink....................     16     

Daffodils Fenced....................     16     

Correct Measure....................     17     

Daffodil Beds....................     17     

Curious Climb....................     18     

Dandelion Bouquet....................     18     

Dessert Control....................     19     

Dandelion Pals....................     19     

Fashion....................     19     

Diet, Diet....................     20     

Dangerous Block....................     20     

Destiny....................     20     

Costco in Wisconsin....................     21     

Bus Germs....................     21     

Deer Hunting....................     22     

New Mom....................     22     

Diet Logic....................     23     

Food Choices....................     23     

Dog in the Yard....................     24     

Fakes....................     24     

Elevator Sound Effects....................     25     

Eyebrow Sketch....................     25     

Eternity to Dust....................     26     

Fashion Plate....................     26     

Farmer's Wife....................     27     

Dishwashing....................     27     

Fast Worker....................     28     

Darboy Tombstone....................     28     

Fishing Conundrum....................     29     

Gifts....................     29     

Flowery Faces....................     30     

Humor Divine....................     30     

Frozen Lake....................     31     

Evacuation Drill....................     31     

Fundraiser....................     32     

My Garden....................     33     

Genius on Wing....................     33     

Gift Exchange....................     34     

Hare Brained....................     34     

Gift from a Boss....................     35     

Groups....................     36     

Government Spending....................     36     

Grudge....................     37     

Hello, Good-bye....................     37     

Hail Hail....................     38     

Hang Up Your Clothes....................     38     

Harmony....................     39     

Heart Spare Part....................     39     

Helen Won't Answer the Phone....................     39     

Self Publish....................     40     

Heavenly Rhymes....................     40     

Hell's Bells....................     41     

Glass Shard....................     41     

It's Snow Cover....................     41     

Hot Bus....................     42     

I'd Love to Attend....................     42     

Hindsight....................     42     

Insults....................     43     

It's Rhubarb....................     43     

Late....................     44     

Looking Back....................     44     

La-Verne....................     45     

Kris with the Smiling Face....................     46     

Little Women....................     46     

Look Alike....................     47     

Maple Syruping....................     47     

Maureen of Ireland....................     48     

Mental Miles....................     49     

My Funeral....................     49     

My Weekend?....................     50     

New York Storm....................     50     

New Diet....................     51     

No Gifts, Please....................     51     

New Friend....................     52     

On Hold....................     52     

New York City Cow (Summer 2000)....................     53     

Outspoken....................     53     

New York Women....................     54     

Opportunity....................     54     

No Pets, Please....................     55     

November Wedding....................     56     

Onion....................     56     

Org of the Orchard....................     57     

Pen Points....................     57     

Out of Biz....................     58     

Party Pooper....................     58     

Packing Light....................     59     

Patience....................     59     

Perfect Place to Work....................     60     

Story Telling....................     60     

Playwright's Lament....................     61     

Potty Pose....................     62     

Rainy Day....................     62     

Priorities....................     63     

Reincarnation....................     63     

Reconfiguration....................     63     

Rabbit Rides....................     64     

Read a Book....................     65     

Retiring....................     66     

Rhyme Time....................     66     

Ron S(hhh)....................     67     

Senator....................     67     

Sugared....................     68     

James T of the North Woods....................     69     

Rubber Boots....................     69     

Seventy-Five....................     70     

Shade....................     70     

Shaky Seattle....................     71     

Shoe Search....................     71     

Silver Suit....................     72     

Scotch Tape....................     72     

Small Talk....................     73     

Shopping....................     73     

Smokes....................     74     

Sonia....................     74     

Snow Flake....................     75     

Snow Predicted....................     75     

So Long, Friend....................     76     

Spidery Spin....................     76     

Swim....................     76     

Spring Ends....................     77     

Spring Fever....................     77     

Spring Heat Wave....................     77     

Stephanie is Baking....................     78     

Strategy....................     78     

Stringy Bean....................     78     

Stockings....................     79     

Temperatures Rising....................     79     

Sunrise....................     80     

Sunset....................     80     

Summer Linen....................     80     

Weight Lost....................     80     

Sweets Murder....................     81     

Taxing....................     81     

Taylor....................     82     

Trees....................     82     

Teapot from Pike's Market....................     83     

Thinking Out Loud....................     83     

When I Was Thin....................     83     

Thrift Shop Apron....................     84     

Unrequited....................     84     

Voice....................     84     

Trike Attack....................     85     

Turtle Walk....................     85     

Umbrella Shared....................     86     

Violet Shy....................     86     

Volunteer Anyone?....................     86     

Walk in the City....................     87     

Waterproofed....................     87     

What an Old Lady Wears....................     88     

When I Was Young....................     88     

Which Way?....................     89     

Wild Apples....................     89     

Window West....................     89     

Spain and France and Italy....................     90     

Thank$....................     90     

Words Anyone?....................     91     

Woman in Red....................     92     

Waiting Room....................     92     

Apple Tree Pruner....................     93     

Water a Melon....................     93     

Ginny & Herb....................     94     

Walk and Talk....................     94     

When Death Comes to Call....................     95     

Torch....................     96     

Me, Myself or I?....................     97     

Connie to Wed....................     98     

Wish to Fish....................     98     

Mighty Munching Man....................     99     

Sara Bean....................     99     

Small Town Girl....................     100     

Andrea....................     101     

And Now For The Song Section....................     102     

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