Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

by Tom Papa

Overview

It’s hard being a person, especially in a family, and no one knows that better than stand-up comedian, and family man, Tom Papa

How do you deal with a life filled with a whole host of characters and their bizarre, inescapable behavior? Especially when you’re related to them? Tom Papa is here to help you make sense of it all. Your Dad Stole My Rake is a hilarious and warm book that saws deep into every branch of the family tree and uncovers the most bizarre and surprisingly meaningful aspects of our lives.

Among the topics covered:
- Tiger Mom v. Ice-Cream Mom
- Stop Trying to Be Cool
- In Defense of Family Vacations
- No Fighting Before Coffee
- Wife Lie Detector
- Your Cat Thinks You’re Too Needy
- Just Eat the Bread

Anyone who has a family, grew up in a family, or has spent time with another human being will love this book!

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781250215598
Publisher:	St. Martin's Publishing Group
Publication date:	05/21/2019
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	177,766
Product dimensions:	5.60(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

TOM PAPA is a comedian known for his work in film, television and radio as well as on the live stage. He is the head writer for A Prairie Home Companion, as well as a regular performer on the legendary radio show, which reaches 2.6 million fans weekly. He has recorded three stand-up specials that are all currently streaming and is the host of "Baked with Tom Papa" on the Food Network. When not touring the country, Tom lives in New York and Los Angeles with his wife and two daughters.

Table of Contents

Introduction xi

Moms & Dads

No Presents for Dad 5

Call Your Mother Before She's Dead 8

Tiger Mom vs. Ice-Cream Mom 11

Things You Find on Mom 15

Don't Ask Your Father 16

Your Children Should at Least Think You Might Spank Them 19

Things You Find on Dad 22

Stop Trying to Be Cool 23

Children

Welcome to Plain Pasta, Can I Take Your Order? 31

The Kid with the Googly Eye 35

Your Baby Doesn't Want to Go Anywhere with You 41

Boys Stink 45

How to Yell at Your Children 49

Morning People 53

In Defense of Family Vacations 58

The Happiest Place on Earth? 63

No Fighting Before Coffee 68

Least Popular Baby Names 72

School Sucks! 73

Family Life

Someone Threw Up There 81

Worst Family Vacation Spots 87

Nuttier Than a Fruitcake 88

No Phones at the Tablay 95

Stay Out of the Emergency Room 100

Tell Me that Story Again 104

Bad Family Games 109

Birthday Parties Belong at Home 110

Fun Family Traditions 115

Husbands

There Are No Great Guys 121

Don't Drag Him to an Art Gallery While on Vacation 127

Things Husbands Lie About 131

You Aren't Marrying Who You Think You Are 132

John Is Dead 136

Wives

The Wife Lie Detector 143

The Importance of the Forced Romantic Getaway 146

We'll Sleep When We're Dead 150

That Cute Thing She Does 154

What Men Think Their Wives Do in the Bathroom 160

Leave the Past Alone 161

There's No Such Thing as a Soul Mate 165

Pets

Your Cat Thinks You're Too Needy 173

Your Dog Doesn't Want to Go to a Restaurant with You 176

Get a Fish 179

Good Family Pets 182

Requiem for Smokey 183

Bad Family Pets 187

Grandparents

Fishing for Sky 193

Old People Shouldn't Twerk 200

Perfect Gift Ideas for Grandma 204

Who's Watching Who? 205

Bad Gift Ideas for Grandma 208

The Outlaws

Your Father-in-Law Doesn't Like You Either 211

Best Places to Bring Your Daughter's Boyfriend 216

Your Mom's Not the Boss of Me 217

Brothers & Sisters

Mistake in the Woods 227

The Brother I Never Had 235

Aunts, Uncles & Cousins Too

Cool Aunt vs. Creepy Aunt 245

Uncle Al, All the Kids' Pal 250

Cool Things to Do with Your Uncle When You're Young 256

Your Cousins Will Ruin Your Life 257

Strangers

Rocky Road 265

New Americans 270

Trolls 270

Techno-Idiots 272

The Super Sports Fan 272

The Angry, Middle-Aged White Guy 274

Hot Moms 275

Know-Nothing Life Masters 276

People to Avoid on a Plane 279

And, Finally … Just Eat the Bread 280

Acknowledgments 285

Coupons 287

Editorial Reviews

"Lauded by fellow comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Gaffigan, Papa will send readers into peals of laughter... At times poignant, always tickling the funny bone, Papa's first book will brighten the most challenging days of toddler- and teenagerhood." —Library Journal (starred review)

"Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas is a collection of essays with laughs on every page." —Bookpage

"A hilarious book about family, from crazy aunts and uncles, loud grandparents, parenting exploits and more. You might not have Tom Papa’s relatives, but you’ll probably recognize them." —The New York Post

"This book will have your father laughing louder than he does at his own dad jokes." —Bustle

“I have been a close friend of Tom Papa for 17 years. His lack of ability to perceive even the most basic principles of human functioning have made him an invaluable asset to me as a friend and colleague. Because he sees nothing, knows nothing and understands nothing, I always seek his advice for the most complex matters. Furthermore, I would definitely recommend whatever the name of this book is, because I know it comes from a place of pure nonsense without any knowledge of anything. He is really one of my favorite people.” – Jerry Seinfeld, author of SeinLanguage

“Finally a funny book about parenting. Great observations. Great writing. Actually funny. I’ve always known Tom was hysterical, now I know he is a great writer and a fantastic storyteller. Can Tom Papa write all books?” - Jim Gaffigan, author of Dad is Fat

"After reading Tom Papa’s book, I have come to these conclusions: No one is more put-upon than Tom Papa. Nobody constructs a story and builds a joke better than Tom Papa. Also, Tom Papa is exhausted. I’m very happy he found the energy to write this hilarious book." – Jane Lynch, author of Happy Accidents

"This book is a miracle of alchemy; with his gift for observation and unique perspective, Tom Papa has spun his meaningless life into comic gold. Ours is not to wonder why—or how—he does this, but instead to rejoice, laugh, and keep paying him in American dollars." - Steven Soderbergh

From the Publisher

This audiobook is the brainchild of “Live From Here’s” performer and head writer. In it, he tells funny stories about families—from overprotective mothers to bizarre uncles—and in the process shows that he has a warm side to go along with the funny parts. Tom Papa narrates his audiobook, and he does a marvelous job. His delivery is sharp, and he uses a slightly sarcastic tone to set up jokes and supply great punch lines. Papa’s warm tone and varied timing will draw listeners into the book and enable them to see that, as is the case with most good comedy, there’s truth that supports the jokes. R.I.G. © AudioFile 2018, Portland, Maine

AUGUST 2018 - AudioFile

2018-04-11
Family-oriented, family-directed humor from the longtime Prairie Home Companion head writer.What's a terrible place to take your family on vacation? Why, for one, "Vladimir Putin's House of Fun." And, for another, "Walmart." Papa kids; he jokes; he japes, always within a G- (or, in daring moments, PG-) rated milieu. The formula is pure post-Keillor-ian Midwestern, Mort Sahl toned way down: Start with an observation ("men are ruthless and aggressive and powerful"), joke it away ("that's how we kept wild animals from eating the children"), and then carry it over to a secondary observation ("this is why putting this animal instinct aside and acting like a ‘great guy' is a fraud") And again: "Fish are great. You always know where they are, you're never going to find a fish eating out of your garbage, and they don't jump up on the kitchen table and start licking plates." It's shtick, but within its own narrow confines, it works just fine. It's not too challenging or too topical, and it draws people in with an in-on-the-joke "oh, yeah." If you're a parent, you're already in on a big swath of Papa's humor; it makes eminent good business sense, on that front, to buy into his idea of a restaurant for kids called Plain Pasta: "Anyone with a child would be making reservations months in advance, planning their birthday parties and ordering take-out." No doubt. And no one with a child will contest the author's position that of all the categories of relatives one might have, the aunt is the coolest. In small doses the groaners are great, but in larger ones—well, it's like being around someone much older and forcing a smile to keep the peace.If Lawrence Welk had been a comedian, this is the book he might have written—pleasing for a certain demographic.

Kirkus Reviews