Your Daughter's Bedroom: Insights for Raising Confident Women

Your Daughter's Bedroom: Insights for Raising Confident Women

by Joyce T. T. McFadden



Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780230103627
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 04/26/2011
Pages: 240
Product dimensions: 6.40(w) x 9.30(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Joyce McFadden is a psychoanalyst in private practice in New York and East Hampton. Author of the ongoing anonymous web-based Women's Realities Study, she is a faculty member, clinical supervisor and training analyst at the Training and Research Institute for Self Psychology, as well as a faculty member at the Woodhull Institute and the NYC Open Center. She is a featured writer on and a columnist on Huffington Post.

Read an Excerpt

Your Daughter's Bedroom

Insights for Raising Confident Women

By Joyce T. McFadden

Palgrave Macmillan

Copyright © 2011 Joyce T. McFadden
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-230-10362-7


How Our Mothers Influence Us

This book's Introduction explained the importance of letting our daughters see us as full sexual beings, but, to date, sexuality hasn't been a comfortable part of the mother-daughter bond. We seek nurturing and understanding from our mothers. We lavish affection and support on our daughters. Knowing our mothers as real flesh-and-blood women with thwarted loves, desires, and disappointments can be more complicated.

Many of us don't want to think about our mothers having sex because doing so comes with a little mental movie we'd rather not see. One of my friends playfully refers to this phenomenon as The Ick Factor. Our resistance to contemplating such sexual images is understandable because the mother-daughter relationship isn't a sexualized one, so our thoughts don't easily wander there. This also explains why it works both ways, and we mothers can find it just as uncomfortable to envision our daughters having sex. But even if we're uncomfortable imagining these private acts, we have to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, because disregarding the importance of our sexuality is another matter entirely. A failure to honor in each other the vital role that sexuality plays over our lifetimes—in how we feel alive and in how we love—greatly inhibits our ability to have what mothers and daughters would both ultimately wish for each other: a life well lived.

So how do we honor sexuality without feeling like we're crossing boundaries we shouldn't be? Over the past few years I've lectured on the results of my study to groups of women. When I begin talking about female sexuality, and how it's passed on from mother to daughter, a light electrical current of something approaching panic usually runs through the audience and a woman will raise her hand and ask, "Are you advocating that we share the specifics of our sex lives with our daughters?" The answer is more complex than yes or no. Of course, sharing too much of the sexual detail of our lives would be inappropriate for our daughters. What I advocate is giving our daughters, slowly and in small doses, the informational and emotional support that will foster the same sense of well-being in their sexuality that we'd want for them in any other area of their lives. I'm advocating an openness that makes it clear to our daughters that teaching them about their sexuality is far from being something to fear, it is a privilege of mothering. As our daughters learn that they can trust us to be supportive and straightforward with them about sexuality, they'll gradually internalize this confidence and transform it into a deepening ability to understand and trust themselves. And this is exactly what they'll need to make sexually healthy choices and to experience the vibrancy of erotic love without shame.

Sadly, we often have the opposite effect on our daughters. We can be so afraid of venturing into anything sexual that we retreat too far, leaving our daughters out in the cold—confused and feeling unsupported. One woman in my study who wanted to be closer to her mother, who she wished had taught her about her sexuality, had so little faith in her mother that she'd have settled for any family member. I wish a family member had explained it—although I have yet to have sex explained to me by anyone and I'm 32 years old. Instead of being supported she was left alone. While she obviously would have done some learning on her own and on the fly, like many women, no one took the time to explain sex to her as she was growing into her sexuality over time, within the intimacy of familial relationships. Now, at 32, it would probably feel too humiliating for her to ask for input even from those closest to her. Of course she can educate herself through reading, but that won't necessarily feel less emotionally empty, and it certainly won't provide the warm bond she wanted with her mother.

If our goal is to support our daughters in the quest of a life well lived, we have to pay attention to the messages we give them along the way. Which messages help a daughter feel grounded and confident, and which introduce self-consciousness and shame? As I hope to show in the following pages, mothers still experience discomfort in educating their daughters about menstruation. If our own discomfort gets in the way of that, imagine the unspoken, often unconscious, fear of teaching them about their sexuality—which would by extension also be teaching them about ours. How can we expect our daughters to hold their own in the bafflingly complex world of sexual relationships, or against unrealistic images of sexuality in the media, when they sense our own impairments to being comfortable in discussing our own sexuality and making it part of the mother-daughter relationship?

Some mothers can try to hide the topic altogether in the belief that they are protecting their daughters by postponing "the conversation." I'll broach it when they're ten, they say. Then they promise themselves to get it to by the twelfth birthday. By the next promised benchmark, they realize their daughters have already been educated or miseducated by the media and their peers amid the turbulence and confusion of the teenage years.

The truth is, we're teaching them about sexuality whether we think we are or not. It's just a matter of what we're teaching. Our daughters observe and weigh our every move, conversation, silence, gesture, and relationship. One adult daughter reflects on this reality. She says that the most complex facet of her relationship with her mother is her lack of living in her sexuality, and her resentment of men, which drives me up the wall. It compromised my ability to make good decisions and to have confidence in relationships with men. I have had to learn just about everything by trial and error—what a mess.

It's true that daughters have to learn from their own experiences, but they're still always influenced by their mothers' views and behavior. Examining our impact on them from the time they're little will help us focus our efforts on trying to affect them in ways that enhance their growth rather than detract from it. It will be harder for our daughters if we only start seeing them as sexual once they're adults. We need to be there with them from the beginning of the journey as they start to have questions about body parts and where babies come from, and as they need help understanding their desires. And to better understand how crucial that journey is, we need to see the value in psychological and sexual development—how our daughters' sense of self will develop as our baby girls, day by day, grow into the women they will be.


How we become who we are is a process that begins at birth, or some would argue, in utero. In psychology this is known as the development of a personality, and it's been the foundational theory of the human mind ever since Sigmund Freud opened it for the Western world around the turn of the twentieth century.

The pertinence of studying personality development for therapists is that it helps us understand what leads to a more or less healthy personality, and what leads to one that suffers to the extent that healthy functioning is interrupted. Once we understand what caused a person's emotional hardship and how they dealt with it, we can have a better sense of how to help that individual. Centuries of clinical and medical practice have taught us that our minds and our bodies are interconnected and that personality development and sexual development can't be separated from each other. When people try to divorce the two, it's often at a great emotional cost.

And yet we live in a society where women are taught to neglect half of who we are—half of our very existence. In case studies from Harvard Medical School, psychologists have noted that trying to make female sexuality conform to male sexuality has led to a misunderstanding of women and kept us from seeing the unique nature of female sexuality. And this is where mothers can use developmental theory the same way therapists do. If we understand the ways we can have a negative impact on our daughters' growth—their personality development and their sexual development—we'll be in a far better position to raise happy, healthy girls who become happy, healthy women.

Here's a brief history of how the understanding of female sexuality has progressed. Although Freud began his career listening to women's reports of inappropriate "seduction" by men, he abandoned his seduction theory and instead mapped the conscious, preconscious, and unconscious mind and delineated the psychic structure of the ego, superego, and id. As a thinker of the Victorian period, his stages of psychosexual development—oral, anal, phallic, and Oedipal—were designed around the centrality of male sexuality, mainly, the assumption that girls envied boys their penises. However, even though this focus on male sexuality was accepted, and both parents were acknowledged as affecting their children's psyches, since women have traditionally been the ones in charge of child rearing, the power of the mother-child bond has always held the focus of theorists' attention. As time went on, other psychoanalysts and doctors stretched Freud's ideas as the science advanced, but updating notions of female sexuality didn't make much progress, due to the old-guard resistance encountered whenever someone attempted it. Since the second wave of feminism, though, more of the female experience has been studied, with later writers bringing in gender theory to balance out the early male-heavy perspectives. Now, in the third wave of feminism, the movement to construct a fuller appreciation of women continues to build steam. Adding to our growing understanding of how female sexuality differs from that of males, the field of sexology is garnering more respect than ever. Female psychologists are conducting sexual research on women, and in addition to their measurement of psychological data, they're enlivening it with biological and neuroscientific data as well.

This convergence of psychology and gender theory, influenced by neuropsychology, feminism, and sexual research, has created a space where the psychology of both male and female sexuality can be understood and valued. We're entering an exciting era in which these studies will inform our understanding of how girls become women and a mother's role in that unfolding. The next frontier—female sexuality from women's own perspective as they experience it —is ours for the creating. This book is an offering to that end, an exploration of the undeniable link in the personality and sexual development of both mother and daughter.


We're all a product of the balance between nature and nurture—the interplay of raw material we're born with and how it's either cared for or compromised by our parents. The forces that shape female sexuality come from all directions: family, culture, social environment, schools, political and religious beliefs, the media, physical and mental health, the presence or absence of trauma ... the possibilities for what influences us are vast. Each of them carries great weight, but my focus is the relationship between mother and daughter and its impact on sexual development. As mothers are typically the ones who do the lion's share of caretaking, even in households with working mothers, their impact on daughters is powerful—their common gender makes this impact complex and formative. Jessica Benjamin, of New York University, finds in her work and research that girls assume their gender identity in the first two years of life by identifying with their mothers. We are our daughters' model of what it means to be female from the time they're born. No matter whether they embrace elements of us or reject them, as mothers, our behaviors and perspectives are forces to be reckoned with.

This is true about many aspects of our lives, not just in sexual development. Take, for instance, shopping. If your mother loves to shop for herself and you've seen it bring her pleasure while you were-growing up, you probably won't feel guilty shopping for yourself. That new book or those new shoes will feel like a small celebration you're welcome to enjoy. On the other hand, if your mother felt guilty whenever she shopped for herself and you saw it distress her—maybe through fretting beforehand, hiding new purchases, or lamenting how much money she'd spent—you'll likely grow into a woman who finds it hard to pamper herself in this way. Even if you work to overcome it, its imprint will linger on your psyche.

The more things we observe about our mothers, the more we develop an understanding of them as women, including their sexuality. And since our understanding of our mothers as women informs our understanding of ourselves, its meaning is doubled in strength, and its influence on us becomes that much more powerful. Much of this understanding of women and sexuality is fully in our conscious awareness, but some of it is experienced on a preconscious or unconscious level, and things that are preconscious or unconscious are sort of like the air we breathe; we can't see it, but its presence is constant.

To capture the phenomenon of inherited traits, I offer a representative sample of what women in my Women's Realities Study reported in response to the question: "What personality trait did you inherit from your mother that you love or respect?" Many of the statements quoted here reveal how, over time, inherited traits become a part of our daughters and inform their futures.

Responsibility. My mother would make us go to school every day. We always had perfect attendance. Even when I didn't want to go she motivated me to keep my commitments. I went to school with chicken pox when I was 11 because she was determined to teach us responsibility. She felt bad when she realized it was the chicken pox, but it is still a story that is told repeatedly.

* * *

Independence. She was in business for herself from when I was pre-school age, and I eventually became an entrepreneur myself. I am sure I got that gene from her.

* * *

I am a caring person to strangers. I became a nurse. Perhaps I became a nurse because I thought then people would love me too, like strangers loved my mother. Of course, it did not work out that way, but I did enjoy my profession and was good at it.

* * *

I too am tenacious. We are both fighters.

* * *

I am warm like my mother. She had a welcoming and warm home ... everyone loved being there ... she knew how to nurture people.

* * *

Wit and kindness ... and love of people and conversation. It's part of me.

Responses to the question "What personality trait of your mother's do you have that you hate or disrespect?" included:

Critical of others.

* * *

Vanity, self-loathing.

* * *

Letting people walk over us. She doesn't say no and takes shit from everyone. Especially men.

* * *

Making people feel guilty.

* * *

There are several: Knowing something is hurtful or petty and saying it anyway; excessive, unproductive worrying; self-criticism; self-sabotage; self-loathing. I tune into a lot of negative things, like my mom, and I believe I would be more focused, more ambitious, and more accomplished if I could get out from under these behavior patterns.

* * *

I can say cutting things to my daughters that I know she said to me.

Daughters begin absorbing our patterns of interaction earlier than many of us think. It wasn't too long ago that our culture believed babies were little bundles largely incapable of anything. The ground-breaking infant researcher Daniel Stern found that actually the "first two months of life the infant is actively forming a sense of an emergent self ... that will remain active for the rest of life." Stern has a beautiful phrase for this. He calls it "coming into being." He found that babies are predesigned to be capable of much more than was previously thought. Three-day-old infants can discern the smell of their own mother's milk from that of other mothers'; newborns can be trained to suck to get something to happen, like getting a slide carousel to click through pictures; and blindfolded three-week-old infants can visually recognize whether the nipple they just sucked was smooth or nubby. Each of these amazing discoveries shows that babies have the ability to "know" things. And Stern's findings were just the beginning. In the most current infant research, Alison Gopnik, psychology professor at the University of California at Berkeley, shows in her book The Philosophical Baby that the more we study babies the more astoundingly sophisticated they reveal themselves to be. Among their complex capacities, for example, are the ability to detect statistical probability and a young but innate understanding of empathy.


Excerpted from Your Daughter's Bedroom by Joyce T. McFadden. Copyright © 2011 Joyce T. McFadden. Excerpted by permission of Palgrave Macmillan.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Introduction * Exploring Our Mothers' Influence on Ourselves * Menstruation: Are You There Mom? It's Me, Your Daughter * Sexual Mother, Sexual Daughter * Talking To Our Daughters about Sex throughout Our Lives Together * What Do You Most Want To Know About Your Mother But Would Never Ask? * Body Image and "Beauty": Saving Our Daughters From Ourselves * Conclusion * Appendix

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Your Daughter's Bedroom: Insights for Raising Confident Women 3.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not only does McFadden open hearts and minds to an underdiscussed topic, her insights into raising sexually confident women transcend sexuality. She suggests ways in which females can be nurtured into confident women, sexual or otherwise.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I was hoping for something on communication with my 7-year-old. I saw the title and cover, but the description made me think this may be the book for me. Based more on sex than I was ready to read.