Your Own Terms: A Woman's Guide to Taking Charge of Any Negotiation

Your Own Terms: A Woman's Guide to Taking Charge of Any Negotiation

by Yasmin Davidds, Ann Bidou (With)


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No wonder most women hate negotiating. If we make concessions to further a deal, we're viewed as weak. But if we play hardball, we can be seen as overly aggressive—and the strategy backfires. The double standard will get us every time!Thankfully, negotiation expert Yasmin Davidds has learned how best to strike a balance, merging a woman’s natural strengths—collaboration, relationship building, listening—with a firm grasp of established tactics. Utilizing guidelines, stories, and exercises that shed light on the psychology of negotiation, Your Own Terms reveals how women can:• Control how they are perceived• Eliminate self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors• Discover their personal negotiation style• Build leverage• Understand an opponent’s approach and adjust theirs in response• And much moreDon’t let the world’s double standards for women in business hold you back from negotiating for what you know is right. With this eye-opening and empowering resource by your side, learn to win on your own terms—and open doors you never knew had been shut.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780814436028
Publisher: AMACOM
Publication date: 08/12/2015
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 574,137
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)
Age Range: 18 Years

About the Author

YASMIN DAVIDDS, PSY.D., is founder and CEO of the Women's Institute of Negotiation (WIN) and the Latina Global Executive Leadership Program. She has trained thousands of corporate leaders across the globe. ANN BIDOU is a writer and the coauthor of Career Match and Personality Power.

Shoya Zichy (New York, NY) is a career coach with a Master’s in Education and Counseling, and is past president of the Myers-Briggs Association of New York. Her proprietary personality model has been featured in Fortune, Barron’s, and on CNN.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1: Empower Yourself

This is not a book about how to become a barracuda at the bargaining table. It’s definitely not a book about how to negotiate more like a man, or how to win by making others lose face or power. It is a book about leveraging those feminine strengths, such as nurturing and collaboration, that all people, men and women, respond to positively.

We women frequently feel like we’re placed in a no-win situation before a negotiation even begins. If we make concessions to further the deal, we’re viewed as weak; but if we go in strong for what we want, we’re called unflattering names that often begin with “b.” Either way, professional working relationships sustain damage. Where’s the middle ground? a live and work in the middle ground. I am an internationally known, bestselling author, a women’s empowerment and negotiation specialist, and an expert in the world-renowned Karrass negotiation program. As one of the leading female negotiation experts in the United States and Latin America, I have trained thousands of corporate leaders in more than two hundred blue chip companies in twenty-two countries in the art and skill of negotiation. My clients range from senior judges to tribal leaders, from unionized prison guards to accountants, and from railroad officials to diplomatic trainees.

Based on these personal experiences and successes, I will teach you what I’ve taught others—how to be both a winning and a graceful negotiator. I will show you how you have more power at the negotiating table than most men, without resorting to sexual nuance. And I will help you realize that being a successful negotiator means that people end up liking you more, not less.

Let’s begin by busting some myths.

Myth #1: Nice girls finish last. How do we get people to think we’re “nice”? Parents teach their daughters it’s by giving to others (while telling their sons it’s more important to be strong and tough). Some parents model this by sacrificing what they want so others (particularly their children) can have what they want. At the bargaining table, being “nice” in this way often leads you to make too many concessions in return for too little. The goal is to get what you want, and leave others feeling like they won, too.

Myth #2: Emotions have no place in serious negotiations. Quite the contrary. Your emotions are a critical barometer for creating a win-win. There can’t be a win-win unless you win, too. Women fear losing control emotionally and looking weak in the heat of negotiating. But to repress emotion requires tremendous amounts of energy, leaving little for strategic maneuvering. Emotions are energy that needs to be directed. You can’t really control what emotions pop up, but you can control how you express them. Fear, for example, can be directed into the courage to walk into (or out of) the conference room, anger into setting reasonable boundaries, self-doubt into taking a calculated risk.

Myth #3: You have to be mean or angry to earn respect. One archetype of Western patriarchal cultures is the man who uses anger and bullying to force other, weaker people to do his bidding. Kings and conquerors, slave owners, and shop foremen are all examples. But a modern woman who uses such men as her role models rarely gains respect from her colleagues (or herself). What’s the new paradigm? Earn respect from others by building your self-respect. This means taking a gracious and firm stand for what you desire.

Myth #4: You don’t deserve to have it all; and if you push for it, people think you are selfish or unrealistic. Don’t believe it for even one second! Who told you that you don’t deserve to have what you want? When was the very first time you remember hearing this? How often did you hear it growing up? Did the person saying it have an agenda that would benefit him or her if you didn’t get what you wanted? It may make no sense to honor at age thirty-six what your mother said you couldn’t have at age six. As an adult, you are entitled to more! Pushing yourself to get more at first may feel fake and unnatural. But small, daily successes will start to translate into success in bigger arenas—asking for pay raises, buying a house, getting investors for your business, buying a used car, and even dealing with your ex-husband’s divorce lawyer.

Myth #5: People don’t like women who say “no.” Users, manipulators, and exploiters certainly don’t. Others will try to work within the reasonable boundaries that you set—and respect you for having them. I will teach you some critical skills for dealing with the users in a strong and confident manner so you walk away from the negotiation liking yourself and feeling little concern if the manipulators and exploiters don’t.

Myth #6: Being a powerful woman who wins is OK for movie and TV characters, but in the real world it turns people off. The assumption here is that if a woman wins, colleagues—and sometimes even friends— are intimidated and turned off. Of course, if you always lose to someone, you may become afraid to deal with that person, which also is a turn-off. Instead, I will show you the art of being a powerful woman—someone who knows how to create win-win situations—without ever compromising your authentic femininity, by which I mean your ability to nurture, cooperate, and collaborate with respect for others and for yourself. You will draw others to you, gain respect and lifelong friendships along the way, and get what you want as well.

Table of Contents


Acknowledgments xi

Part 1: Own Your Game

Chapter 1: Empower Yourself 3

Chapter 2: Your Style: Changes You Need to Make When Negotiating with Men or Women 16

Chapter 3: How Not to Sabotage Your Negotiating Power 30

Chapter 4: The Four Stages of Negotiation 41

Chapter 5: Determine Which Negotiation Style Is Right for You 53

Chapter 6: Manage Negotiations with the “Backwards Mapping” Technique 69

Part 2: Build Leverage with Your Negotiation Toolbox

Chapter 7: Offensive Maneuvers and How to Counter Them 85

Chapter 8: Power Moves for Handling Difficult People 100

Chapter 9: Communication Strategies That Create a Level Playing Field 112

Chapter 10: Fail-Proof Persuasion Tactics 126

Chapter 11: The Art of the Redirect: Managing Destabilizing Moves 141

Part 3: Winning Game Plans: Negotiating with Power and Grace

Chapter 12: Gender Intelligence and Negotiation 157

Chapter 13: How, When, and Why to Make Concessions 170

Chapter 14: Negotiating with the “Big Boys” 180

Chapter 15: Negotiate Your Way to Leadership Success 189

Chapter 16: The Real Test: Your Salary Negotiation 199

Chapter 17: Put Your Negotiation Skills to Work 209

Chapter 18: View from the Trenches: Lessons for Women as Leaders and Negotiators 221

Appendix 1—Language of Negotiation 241

Appendix II—Personal and Professional Checklist for Complex Negotiations 245

Notes 247

Resources 251

Index 255

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