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The EQ Difference

AMACOM Books

Preface

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness. -George Santayana

Most people's ideals are noble. To achieve these ideals, however, sometimes requires wisdom far beyond what we are able to deliver on a daily basis. We are likely to get caught in the fray of life. Little things, like rush hour traffic, the line at the deli counter, or a coworker's comments become our focus and take us away from our ideal. We sometimes get stuck in the unimportant, and unleash our energy in the wrong direction. We intended to go north, but find ourselves heading south. Emotional intelligence, as defined and outlined in this book, can serve as a compass so that we can be assured that we are on the road to living our intentions and our ideals every day.

This book is for all of us who aspire to live up to our own greatness. It is for all of us who have caught a glimpse of our wisdom, warmth, depth, and charm. It's for all of us whose intentions or ideals are sometimes greater than our actions. It's for all of us at home and at work who care enough to study ourselves and use that knowledge to manage ourselves and our relationships with others so that we truly live our intentions. That, in essence, is the definition of emotional intelligence (EQ).

Emotional intelligence can make a huge difference in both our personal lives and our work satisfaction and performance. Emotional intelligence is the distinguishing factor that determines if we make lemonade when life hands us lemons or spend our life stuck in bitterness. It is the distinguishing factor that enables us to have wholesome, warm relationships rather than cold and distant contacts. EQ is the distinguishing factor between finding and living our life's passions or just putting in time. EQ is the distinguishing factor that draws others to us or repels them. EQ is the distinguishing factor that enables us to work in concert and collaboration with others or to withdraw in dispute.

All of us have done or said something that later we regretted. In these circumstances, we walk away muttering, "I didn't mean ..." or "I wasn't thinking ..." During these times, our actions did not support our good intentions. At other times, our intentions might be fuzzy, so we act inconsistently. Still at other times, our intentions may be totally lost in a sea of emotion. Whatever the divide between intentions and reality, one thing is certain. For each day of life, the human experience will present opportunities so we may try again to bridge the divide and to live our intentions.

Emotional intelligence increases our capacity to discover and express our greatness. Why? Because emotional intelligence demands a complete disclosure of our strengths. As a result, we can begin to fully understand our ideal selves and compare this ideal to how we behave each day. Our ideal self is the self that emerges when we are unencumbered by the burden of irrational thoughts and emotional upsets that can sometimes distract us from our intentions. It's that glimpse of self that does and says the right thing at the right time in the right manner. It's that self that is centered and assured. It's that self that doesn't feel a need for other people's approval or a need to compete at the expense of others. It doesn't fear making mistakes. It doesn't lash out in anger or spend time fretting or fearing things that it cannot control. It's that self that takes confident, assured steps in both our personal and work lives that produce satisfaction and success. It's that self that inspires others. It's that self that we're proud of. I'm not talking about ego pride. I'm talking about satisfaction deep down when we know we've lived our best today.

This book is not to change who you are, but to allow more of your ideal self to come through in daily living. The fact is everyone has gaps between their true intentions and reality. If, however, you are serious about bridging this gap and living your greatness, this book will not only inspire you to do so, it will provide a plan to examine and confront the very issues that are standing in the way. In fact, if you routinely practice the practical steps presented, your ability to live your greatness in every encounter every day will sharpen.

Until recently, living an emotionally healthy and intelligent life was more or less left to chance, but today people take steps to improve all different aspects of their lives. Many people build healthy bodies through exercise, diet, and vitamins. Others take classes, read books, and pursue knowledge to learn new skills. Many seek spiritual growth by attending religious services. Improving emotional intelligence is just one more avenue to living a healthy, productive life. If you integrate the steps presented in this book into your daily lives, it will prove to be a comprehensive plan for developing emotional intelligence and living your intentions. Although in the human experience perfection may not be achievable, improvement is. So, get ready to see more of your greatness. It's time to become unstuck.

One Saturday morning in early spring, as I was sipping coffee and peering out the window. I saw two turkeys in the woods along the fence line in my backyard. If you've never seen a wild turkey, suffice it to say that they are very large birds. Their wingspan is great. If they were any larger, they would probably put numbers on their wings and begin to haul passengers. And a bird that big needs lots of room to take off in flight. I watched as they came to the edge of the fence, turned around, and walked back the other way. They went several yards and sure enough they turned around and walked again along the same path they had walked before. They kept repeating this again and again, back and forth. It occurred to me that they were stuck because they didn't have enough room to expand those massive wings and fly away. Soon I was almost able to hear the dialogue between these two birds. "George, I told you to stop and ask for directions. You never stop and ask for directions. Now, we're lost. We're stuck. We'll probably never get out of here." "Ah, Harriet, if you'd just shut up and stop confusing me, we'd be home by now." And so it went. In fact, it went for forty-five minutes before I moved away from the window to get on with my Saturday morning chores. Two hours later I went back to the window and there were George and Harriet-still stuck. I finally roused Abby, my old sleeping bird dog, and asked him to lend a hand to George and Harriet. "Just point them in the right direction, Abby." As Abby approached, this time George and Harriet deliberately quickened the pace and kept on going. They were flushed into the open land, spread those amazing wings, and took off and soared into the open sky.

George and Harriet had all of the resources they needed to fly, but they were stuck. They needed help in breaking the cycle of going back and forth over the same old territory. Instead of using those resources, they bickered and blamed one another for their plight.

George and Harriet parallel the human experience. Most people have many resources within that could help them to soar to greater heights, but sometimes they are unable to access them. And out of frustration, they may argue, fuss, fight, become immobilized, or other wise remain stuck, rather than use that energy to harness their resources and move forward.

Emotions can either fuel our actions toward true fulfillment or, like a car traveling on ice, cause us to spin while getting nowhere and accomplishing nothing except burning rubber. Managing this fuel, our emotions, is the essence of emotional intelligence. The focus of this book is to get you off the ground and into flight, just like my bird dog Abby did for George and Harriet. The book will help your inner bird dog develop into a self-coach that will help you to master the five areas of emotional intelligence and fully live your intentions, at home or at work.

Adele B. Lynn

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Excerpted from The EQ Difference by Adele B. Lynn Copyright © 2005 by Adele B. Lynn. Excerpted by permission.
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