Bream Gives Me Hiccups

Bream Gives Me Hiccups

by Jesse Eisenberg
Bream Gives Me Hiccups

Bream Gives Me Hiccups

by Jesse Eisenberg

Hardcover

$26.00 
  • SHIP THIS ITEM
    Qualifies for Free Shipping
  • PICK UP IN STORE
    Check Availability at Nearby Stores

Related collections and offers


Overview

“Eisenberg is truly a talented writer. . . Hilarious and poignant.”—Entertainment Weekly

Bream Gives Me Hiccups: And Other Stories is the whip-smart fiction debut of Academy Award-nominated actor Jesse Eisenberg. Known for his iconic film roles but also for his regular pieces in the New Yorker and his two critically acclaimed plays, Eisenberg is an emerging literary voice.

Taking its title from a group of stories that begin the book, Bream Gives Me Hiccups moves from contemporary L.A. to the dorm rooms of an American college to ancient Pompeii, throwing the reader into a universe of social misfits, reimagined scenes from history, and ridiculous overreactions. In one piece, a tense email exchange between a young man and his girlfriend is taken over by his sister, who is obsessed with the Bosnian genocide (The situation reminds me of a little historical blip called the Karadordevo agreement); in another, a college freshman forced to live with a roommate is stunned when one of her ramen packets goes missing (she didn’t have “one” of my ramens. She had a chicken ramen); in another piece, Alexander Graham Bell has teething problems with his invention (I’ve been calling Mabel all day, she doesn’t pick up! Yes, of course I dialed the right number – 2!).

United by Eisenberg’s gift for humor and character, and grouped into chapters that open with illustrations by award-winning cartoonist Jean Jullien, the witty pieces collected in Bream Gives Me Hiccups explore the various insanities of the modern world, and mark the arrival of a fantastically funny, self-ironic, and original voice.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780802124043
Publisher: Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
Publication date: 09/08/2015
Pages: 256
Product dimensions: 5.60(w) x 8.40(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

About The Author
Jesse Eisenberg is an Academy Award-nominated actor, playwright, and contributor for the New Yorker and McSweeney’s. He is the author of three plays, Asuncion, The Revisionist, and The Spoils, which won the Theater Visions Fund Award. Eisenberg’s acting credits include The Social Network, Now You See Me, Adventureland, The Squid and the Whale, The Double, and The End of the Tour. Forthcoming acting credits include Batman v. Superman.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

SUSHI NOZAWA

Last night, Mom took me to Sushi Nozawa, near Matt's house. Except she didn't let Matt come with us and I had to leave in the middle of my favorite show because Mom said we would be late for our reservation and that I didn't know who she had to blow on to get the reservation.

At the front of Sushi Nozawa is a mean woman. When I asked Mom why the woman is so angry, Mom said it's because she's Japanese and that it's cultural. The woman at school who serves lunch is also mean but she is not Japanese. Maybe it's just serving food that makes people angry.

Sushi Nozawa does not have any menus, which Mom said made it fancy. The Sushi chef is very serious and he stands behind a counter and serves the people whatever he wants. He is also mean.

The first thing they brought us was a rolled-up wet washcloth, which I unrolled and put on my lap because Mom always said that the first thing I have to do in a nice restaurant is put the napkin in my lap. But this napkin was hot and wet and made me feel like I peed my pants. Mom got angry and asked me if I was stupid.

The mean woman then brought a little bowl of mashed-up red fish bodies in a brown sauce and said that it was tuna fish, which I guess was a lie because it didn't taste like tuna and made me want to puke right there at the table. But Mom said that I had to eat it because Sushi Nozawa was "famous for their tuna." At school, there is a kid named Billy who everyone secretly calls Billy the Bully and who puts toothpaste on the teacher's chair before she comes into the classroom. He is also famous.

Mom said they have eggs so I asked for two eggs, but when the mean woman brought them, they didn't look like eggs; they looked like dirty sponges and I spit it out on the table in front of Mom, who slammed her hands on the table and made the plates rattle and so I got scared and spit out more sponge on Mom's hands and Mom yelled at me in a weird whispery voice, saying that the only reason she took me to the restaurant is so that Dad would pay for it. Then I started crying and little bits of the gross egg came out of my nose with snot and Mom started laughing in a nice way and gave me a hug and told me to be more quiet.

The mean woman brought me and Mom little plates of more gross fish bodies on rice. I asked Mom to take off the fish part so I could eat the rice. Mom said, "Great, more for me," and ate my fish. I like rice because Mom said it's like Japanese bread but it has no crusts, which is good for me because I don't eat crusts anyway. I also like it when Mom says "Great, more for me" because it seems like that is her happiest expression.

When the woman brought the bill, Mom smiled at her and said thank you, which was a lie, because Mom hates when people bring her the bill. When Mom and Dad were married, Mom would always pretend like she was going to pay, and when Dad took the bill, which he always did, she said more lies like, "Are you sure? Okay, wow, thanks, honey." Now that Dad doesn't eat with us anymore, maybe I should pretend to take the bill from Mom and say a lie like, "Oh, really? Okay, thanks, Mom," but I don't because lies are for adults who are sad in their lives.

The mean woman took the bill back without saying thank you. I guess she is not sad. But she is definitely angry.

I understand why the people who work here are so angry. I guess it's like working at a gas station, but instead of cars, they have to fill up people. And people eat slowly and talk about their stupid lives at the table and make each other laugh, but when the waiters come by, the people at the table stop laughing and become quiet like they don't want to let anyone else know about their great jokes. And if the waiters talk about their own lives, they're not allowed to talk about how bad it is, only how good it is, like, "I'm doing great, how are you?" And if they say something truthful like, "I'm doing terrible, I'm a waiter here," they will probably get fired and then they will be even worse. So it's probably always a good idea to talk about things happily. But sometimes that's impossible. That's why I'm giving Sushi Nozawa 16 out of 2000 stars.

CHAPTER 2

MASGOUF

Last night, Mom took me to a new restaurant called Masgouf. Mom said that it was an Iraqi restaurant and that we had to go because we are open-minded people and we should support it. I thought it was weird though because Matt's brother is in the army in the real Iraq and their car says SUPPORT THE TROOPS. So it kind of felt like we were supporting the restaurant instead of Matt's brother.

Mom said that all the women in her book club already went to the restaurant, but I didn't know why that meant we had to go to the restaurant too. And I don't know why Mom is even in the book club, because she doesn't read any of the books and, on the nights before the book club meetings at our house, she says "fuck" a lot and asks me to look on Wikipedia. Then I have to read the plot synopsis and major characters to her while she vacuums, which is hard because the vacuum is really loud and I have to follow her around the house holding my computer and reading.

The first weird thing I noticed when I walked into Masgouf is that a lot of the people eating there were wearing big black face masks so you can only see their eyes. Mom said to me kind of disappointedly that she was hoping there would be more people who "look like us." But I said that we don't know what those people look like because they're hiding in the masks. Then Mom elbowed me in the neck, which is what she does when I say things that are either too loud or too quiet or if I'm laughing.

When Mom looked at the menu she said, kind of quietly under her breath, "Figures, it's fucking dry." I'm not sure what she meant by that but I think it has something to do with alcohol, because whenever Mom opens a menu, the first thing she does is look at the alcohol and breathe a sigh of relief.

Mom said that she would order for both of us and that we should share, which she usually says when she doesn't think the food will be good. When the woman came over to take the order, Mom looked at her like she was kind of a homeless person and said, "And where are you from?" When the woman said, "Iraq," Mom said, "Oh, beautiful, what city?" Then the woman said, "Baghdad," and Mom said, "Aww," as though the woman was crying, but the woman wasn't crying, she was smiling. So I looked up at the woman and I smiled very big to show her that I was not always on Mom's side, but when the woman saw me smiling she made a weird face like I was making fun of her, which I wasn't. Then Mom kicked me under thetable and my leg hurt for the rest of the night and a little bit the next morning, which is today.

The first thing the woman brought us was a weird pile of rice on a plate and a big bowl of soupy-looking eggplant in a red sauce. I could tell Mom got a little nauseous by it but she smiled at the woman and said, "Wow. Traditional! Can't wait to dig in!" But I could tell that Mom was lying because when the woman walked away, Mom took a little bite of it, just with the front of her teeth, and then flared her nostrils like she wanted to puke right there at the table. Then she said, "Sweetie, I think you'll like this. Why don't you try it," so I knew she must not have liked it. Then Mom poured the eggplant stuff onto the rice and kind of moved it around the plate to make it look like we had eaten it.

Then the woman brought us the other dish, which was a chicken shish kabob with French fries. The French fries just tasted like French fries, even though they didn't have ketchup, and the chicken shish kabob just tasted like regular chicken. When Mom and I tasted how normal it was, we looked at each other in a relieved way, like we were Matt's brother and we had just come back from Iraq.

On the way home, Mom called all the women in her book club to tell them that we went to Masgouf. She lied the whole time, telling them how nice it was to spend some alone time with me and how interesting it was to see all the Iraq people in their black face masks, and that she didn't even think about Dad's new girlfriend one time during the fun and tasty dinner. When Mom lies, she doesn't just say things she doesn't mean, she says the opposite of the things she does mean. And probably most children would be angry at their moms for lying so much, but for some reason it just makes me feel sad for her.

When we got home I read Mom the plot synopsis for Wuthering Heights while she vacuumed in her underwear. Then Mom said her stomach kind of hurt and I thought that mine did too. So Mom and I both went to separate bathrooms and didn't come out for a long time. That's why I'm giving Masgouf 129 out of 2000 stars.

CHAPTER 3

THE WHISKEY BLUE BAR AT THE W HOTEL

Last night, Mom took me to a bar called the Whiskey Blue Bar, which sounds like a fun blue place but is actually a scary dark place where drunk people wear lots of makeup and pretend like they're happy by talking loudly.

Mom had a date with a guy she called her "Widower Friend." "Widower" means your wife died and "Friend," when Mom says it about a man, means someone rich who Mom is trying to marry. I never get to go on dates with Mom, but Mom wanted me to meet her Widower Friend because she wanted to show him what a good mom she can be to his two daughters, who no longer have a mother.

The Widower Friend didn't know I was coming when he asked to meet Mom at the Whiskey Blue Bar, and since I am not old enough to go to a bar, Mom said that we had to pretend to be staying at the W Hotel. I told Mom that I didn't want to lie to the hotel people, but Mom said it was okay in this case because it was just a white lie, which I guess is a lie that white people are allowed to say without feeling guilty.

Since Mom wanted to show the man how good she was with children, I knew she would be nice to me the whole night, and when the man walked in, Mom put her arm around me, which felt strange because she never does that and I never noticed how cold and bony her hands are.

When we all sat down, the man said, "Didn't know you'd be taking your son here." And Mom squeezed my shoulder again and said, "I just can't bear to be away from this guy. I love kids." I knew that Mom was going to lie about liking children but I thought she would probably think of a more creative way to do it.

The waitress came to our table and knelt down in a weird way like she wanted to show us her breasts. She was wearing a short black skirt and was really beautiful, except up close. She said, "What can I get you folks tonight?"

Mom said that she wanted a Strawberry Mojito and asked the Widower Friend in a kind of babyish voice, "Is that totally girly of me?" The Widower Friend smiled and blushed in a way that made me think he would have preferred to actually be on a date with a young girl instead of an old woman doing a baby voice. Then the Widower ordered his drink in a really serious voice, like it was important to get all the details right: "Dry Tanq Martini. Twist of lemon. Stirred. Don't bruise the gin." The waitress nodded very seriously and I suddenly thought that it was so strange to have a place that just makes drinks. Since they only sell one thing, they have to take it very seriously, and I guess no one ever tells them that what they're doing is not an important job.

Then the waitress showed me her breasts and asked, "And what can I get for you, little man?" Mom asked the waitress to make me a Shirley Temple, which I didn't want because it's named after a dead little girl named Shirley, but I decided not to say anything. Then Mom said, "Mix it weak, he's driving tonight." And the three adults laughed even though Mom's joke was a lie and also not funny.

When the drinks came, Mom finished hers kind of too quickly and ordered another one. The man sipped his slowly, which meant he probably didn't like Mom, and I just tried to fish out the cherry from the bottom of my drink because I was hungry.

The more Mom drank, the more she asked about the Widower's wife. I could tell that he didn't want to talk about his wife because he would change the subject, but Mom said weird things like, "Did Debbie ever try Cedars-Sinai Hospital? Because my friend Joyce is an amazing endocrinologist over there." I think Mom just wanted to show the man that she had a friend who was an important doctor, but because the wife had already died it seemed like a weird thing to say. The man seemed a little surprised, and I thought that maybe he was trying not to cry, and then he said kind of quietly, "We never tried Cedars-Sinai."

Normally Mom would be embarrassed for saying something so dumb, but because she was drunk, she didn't realize that she made the man upset. So instead of apologizing, Mom said, "I've been friends with Joyce since college. She's brilliant. And actually very well-read." The man just nodded.

Mom said she had to go "freshen up," which meant she had to go poop because alcohol makes Mom poop, and she left me alone with the guy. It was a little strange to be alone with him because I think he didn't really like that I was on his date. And then I couldn't stop thinking about his dead wife either and I just tried to not say anything about it, but I got so nervous that I said, "I'm sorry that your wife died from cancer." I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I couldn't get it off my mind and sometimes accidents happen even with talking. He said, "Thanks." And then Mom came back and I could tell that she must have pooped a lot because her face seemed relaxed.

When Mom sat down she said, "Ready for round three, Mr. Mister?" which meant she wanted to drink more alcohol with the man, but I could tell that the man just wanted to go home. I also wanted to go home but I knew that Mom wanted to stay so I didn't say anything. But the man looked at his watch and said something like, "I'd love to stay, but the girls are probably up worrying about me," which seems like something a normal parent would say, especially since his girls don't have a mom. This made me like the Widower Friend.

The man walked us to our car and gave Mom a hug, which Mom kind of held for a long time even though the man tried to pull away.

On the way home, I could tell that Mom was upset with the date and that maybe she thought it was partly my fault. I could also tell that Mom was drunk because she was driving all over the highway and we almost got into an accident with a man who rolled down his window and yelled at Mom in Spanish. Then Mom yelled something mean about Mexican people and I started to cry because the man kept yelling and it scared me even though I couldn't understand the words he was saying. Sometimes the things that are scariest are the ones you don't understand. That's why I'm giving the Whiskey Blue Bar 136 out of 2000 stars.

CHAPTER 4

TCBY

Last night, Mom let me choose a restaurant and I chose TCBY, which stands for The Country's Best Yogurt. I know you're not supposed to brag and it's wrong to say that you have the best yogurt in the country, but Mom always says if you want something hard enough, you can get it. And since TCBY wants to have the best yogurt so much that they made it their name, maybe they do have the best yogurt.

Mom also let me take a friend and I chose Matt, who now likes to be called Matthew. Mom always calls Matthew my "little friend," which seems strange because Matthew's taller than me. He's also taller than Mom and I think she doesn't like him, but I think that's just because Matthew and I have a good friendship and Mom doesn't have any real friendships and Dad hates her and he said so in front of me two separate times before he left.

When I asked if we could pick up Matthew on the way to TCBY, Mom sighed loudly and said, "It would be easier for everyone involved if he just met us there." I thought it was a strange thing to say because the only people involved were us and Matthew and he lives on the way to TCBY. But I didn't argue and Matthew rode his bike and met us in the parking lot.

When Mom and I saw Matthew, he ran up to us and gave us both a hug, which is something Matthew has started doing a lot. I like it because I like when people hug me, but Mom kind of pulled back because she's not used to people touching her because no one ever does.

TCBY has a lot of flavor options, which makes me think they're really trying hard to be the best. I wanted Mom and Matthew to think that I made a good choice in going to TCBY so I said, "Wow, look at how many different flavors they have," and then Mom said in a sarcastic voice, "Thou doth protest too much, TCBY!" and Matthew and I looked at each other like we were trying not to laugh because what Mom said made no sense.

Matthew ordered a Mountain Blackberry Yogurt. He said that he got it because it's the most interesting color, which is a kind of light purple, but which Matthew called "mauve." "Mauve" is a word I never heard before and hearing new words is one of the reasons I like Matthew. When I asked why he didn't get the flavor he liked the most, he said he thought that all the flavors probably tasted the same and so it was best to get something that was "pretty to look at." Mom rolled her eyes two times: when Matthew said "mauve" and when Matthew said "pretty to look at."

(Continues…)


Excerpted from "Bream Gives Me Hiccups"
by .
Copyright © 2015 Jesse Eisenberg.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

I. BREAM GIVES ME HICCUPS: RESTAURANT REVIEWS FROM A PRIVILEGED NINE-YEAR-OLD,
Sushi Nozawa,
Masgouf,
The Whiskey Blue Bar at the W Hotel,
Tcby,
Robert Frost Elementary School Cafeteria,
Organix vs. The San Gennaro Street Festival,
Thanksgiving with Vegans,
Matthew's House,
Fuddruckers and an Unreliable New Friend,
A Crawfish Boil and Dad's New Family,
Museum of Natural History,
The Ashram and Mom,
II. FAMILY,
My Little Sister Texts Me with Her Problems,
Separation Anxiety Sleepaway Camp,
My Mother Explains the Ballet to Me,
An Email Exchange with My First Girlfriend, Which at a Certain Point Is Taken Over,
by My Older Sister, a College Student Studying the Bosnian Genocide,
My Prescription Information Pamphlets as Written by My Father,
My Nephew Has Some Questions,
III. HISTORY,
Men and Dancing,
Final Conversations at Pompeii,
Alexander Graham Bell's First Five Phone Calls,
Marxist-Socialist Jokes,
IV. MY ROOMMATE STOLE MY RAMEN: LETTERS FROM A FRUSTRATED FRESHMAN,
V. DATING,
A Post-Gender-Normative Man Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar,
A Post-Gender-Normative Woman Tries to Pick Up a Man at a Bar,
A Guy on Acid Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar,
A Lifelong Teetotaler, Embarrassed by His Own Sobriety, Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar,
VI. SPORTS,
Marv Albert Is My Therapist,
Carmelo Anthony and I Debrief Our Friends after a Pickup Game at the YMCA,
A Marriage Counselor Tries to Heckle at a Knicks Game,
VII. SELF-HELP,
Smiling Tricks Your Brain into Thinking It's Happy,
If She Ran into Me Now ...,
A Bully Does His Research,
VIII. LANGUAGE,
Nick Garrett's Review of Rachel Lowenstein's New Book, Getting Away,
A Short Story Written with Thought-to-Text Technology,
If I Was Fluent In ...,
My Spam Plays Hard to Get,
Manageable Tongue Twisters,
IX. WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE,
We Only Have Time for One More,
Acknowledgments,

Interviews

Barnes & Noble Review Interview with Jesse Eisenberg

Most first associate the name Jesse Eisenberg to his awkward, perpetually teenage mumblings on the silver screen. He makes his living off acting — artfully so in films like The Social Network and To Rome with Love. He's charmingly staved off massacres in Zombieland and correctly identified Lou Reed song titles in The Squid and the Whale. He can even soon be seen freshly shorn, while portraying Lex Luthor in Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Yet Eisenberg has also shown impressive prowess when laying down words to paper (or pixels). Besides penning and staging three well-received theatrical productions, he's published short stories and other works with The New Yorker and McSweeny's. Many of the humorous stories originally published in the latter now see a broader audience by inclusion in Eisenberg's debut collection, Bream Gives Me Hiccups, released this month via Grove Atlantic. Eisenberg recently took a break from filming a new Woody Allen flick to speak with the Barnes & Noble Review by phone about opening day anxieties, drunk carrier pigeon messages, New York neuroticism, Candy Crush, and skipping the comment section. The following interview is an edited transcript of that conversation. — Beca Grimm

The Barnes & Noble Review: How do you feel about the book coming out?

Jesse Eisenberg: I guess I feel nervous. My regular job is so public: usually when a movie's released there's just a barrage of horrible things going on. I feel nervous and I really love it. I'm so flattered that a publishing company would put it out. I'm honored that people who've read it have liked it. But mostly nervous for the inevitable barrage of criticisms.

BNR: How do you feel a book coming out is different from a movie coming out? How do you prepare yourself for hearing reviews about it?

JE: I try to stay away from reviews. They can be really distracting and not very helpful. It's my limited experience — with this book — people who are reading a book spend an intimate experience with a book for two hours, reading on their own. It requires a lot of participation on the part of the reader. Their response is going to be a little more sensitive and nuanced than a typical moviegoer's response. You see movies in a group. Usually there isn't a required participation with the audience. You end up getting — from a casual moviegoer — a chronic knee-jerk reaction that a book doesn't really inspire.

BNR: Do you also think this book is more personal than appearing in a movie, because this is coming from your brain?

JE: Yes. On the other hand, when you're in a movie, you're emoting and your face is in it. So in a way, a movie is very personal as well, because strangers are watching your face. It's like the worst experience from high school. On an international level. People making fun of your clothes and your dumb face, your stupid haircut in a newspaper. Whereas with a book, people are reading my thoughts and ideas. My stupid haircut is nowhere to be seen.

BNR: I think your haircut is not stupid. For what it's worth.

JE: Well, thanks a lot. You're clearly a thoughtful, sweet person who does not write on the Internet.

BNR: I do write on the Internet. I just try to be nice about it. You've been writing for a long time. I read that you're been working on short stories since your early teens. How did you get mixed up with Dave Eggers and his whole McSweeney's crew?

JE: I can't remember how I discovered McSweeney's. Once I did, I realized people could write short humor with not just standup comedy. That there was this gray area between humor and character. My mind illuminated. I started writing for McSweeney's and got rejected for a few years. At one point I started getting accepted. Then I started writing for The New Yorker — again, got rejected for a few years, then finally accepted. I'm so happy I was rejected, because it forced me to really hone my skill sets. I'm in a very weird position as an actor where people will read my work — not necessarily like it, but will plan to read it just because of my position as an actor. The best thing about rejection is some injection of reality. That came from both of these experiences.

BNR: By being rejected?

JE: Yeah, exactly. Because if you're a motivated person, rejection is very inspiring. If you're unmotivated, rejection serves the opposite purpose. You would stop working.

BNR: You said that because people are going to recognize your name, there's a better chance you'll get eyes on it. That's obviously true. How do you deal with that pressure of knowing people are going to read your work because of that name recognition alone?

JE: There's two sides to that. My third play in New York was just produced. The company who produced my play — they're very well respected. They don't want to risk their reputation on an actor's play that's not good. In a way, my plays have to be better. The advantage for me is that my work is probably seen more quickly than other writers, but I think the quality of it has to be the thing. I know people will read my stuff. But right now I have to do a little more preemptive self-censorship.

BNR: That's probably a good thing, though. Don't you think?

JE: It's good, it's good. Given both life options, I'm happy to be living the one that I'm living. I do, in a way, kind of miss the freedom of being able to do the most crazy thing and throwing it out into the world.

BNR: With less accountability.

JE: Exactly.

BNR: How do you use different parts of your brain for writing comedic short stories versus plays?

JE: I was reading this really interesting article that John Steinbeck wrote, and he talked about — and it's wrong — but he talked about how Of Mice and Men was a failure. He said he tried to write a play but because readers have a difficult time reading plays, he tried to put elements of a novel into the book. Character descriptions, setting descriptions, writing "he said" instead of just the character's name and a colon like you would have in a play script. But otherwise he said it's the same thing. That's how I feel, too. It's the same thing. I write a lot of first- person, and that's the same as a character in a play doing a monologue. There's a real overlap. As an actor there's another element, which is embodying the emotional experience of a visual person. That's what I've been training to do since I started acting. That informs writing as well, because you're trying to understand the emotion underneath a character of fictional situations. That's a difficult and wonderful experience to have as an actor.

BNR: I thought your ability to hone the teen voice in several different essays was really awesome. Especially the frustrated narrator Harper in "My Roommate Stole My Ramen: Letters from a Frustrated Freshman," because you were probably never a teen girl. How do you nail that? Even just the perspective in "An Email Exchange with My First Girlfriend . . . " Maybe there were some relatable elements there, like the boy's parenthetical self-conscious aside, "(he said sarcastically)"?

JE: The truth is I have a younger sister: she calls me in her first year of college and complains about something minor with a kind of anger I've never seen from her. That happens to young people when they are experiencing some new physical transition. I told my sister how absurd she sounded and we both laughed about it. I thought of this character who is this eighteen-year-old girl who is full of rage. A rage that's never been expressed before. I thought it would be really funny to have her have rage against otherwise silly complaints, silly inconveniences. Like her roommate taking one of her soups. Because of my acting background and my sensibilities, I created this character who's not only angry but deeply lonely and desperate for some human connection. That anger actually manifests from this desperate longing to be loved. She has this roommate she hates, but she's desperate to be touched by her. She has a teacher who she thinks is attractive, but she accuses him of sexual harassment. She doesn't know how to direct her need for attention. Her way to ask for attention comes out as rage.

BNR: It's almost as if she rejects any affection she gets. When the roommate she calls The Slutnick chases her out of the concert and tries to hug her, she's receptive and thankful for it but ultimately rejects it to continue this invented battle in her head. The teacher gives her a very off-the-cuff compliment, then she goes off to try to report him for harassment.

JE: She talks about her parents, who never give each other any affection. So she doesn't know how to accept it. She doesn't see the gray area. She sees the teacher giving her compliments as sexual harassment. She doesn't know what affection is. She doesn't know how to take that in the way it's actually intended. Her roommate has a well-adjusted family, and she doesn't know how to accept that because she has never experienced it. She has the parents who are cold and aloof. She doesn't know how to accept real affection.

BNR: Right. The way you're speaking of Harper's parents — who she describes as barely speaking to each other and never doing anything fun — is definitely a theme: a resounding dissatisfaction among parents. Parents maybe regretting their children, definitely regretting their marriages. The mother in "My Mother Explains Ballet to Me" saying, "Your father's the only man I've ever been with. Can you believe that?" The father in "My Prescription Information Pamphlets as Written by My Father" describing the prescriptions like "Twenty-six years married to the same woman and three Carnival Cruises together!" What brought that about?

JE: I see this trend that is funny and also very saddening of parents speaking to their children in a way that ultimately traumatizes them. But the parents don't realize it. I'm writing about the product of narcissism. The children of narcissists turn into these damaged, introspective people. Harper's the child of clearly narcissists. The boy who goes to the ballet with his mother is with a narcissist. Narcissism is fun to write about and I've written about it a lot. It's also neat to write about what that produces. As we were talking about, they don't know how to accept affection and love. That parent has a monopoly on their child's form.

BNR: Absolutely. The neglectful mother in "Bream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine- Year-Old" speaks to her son in weird jokes he doesn't get but adult readers understand. It's a premature maturation of that relationship and how that impacts the child.

JE: Yeah, that's another avenue of how self-involved parents could have that effect on a child. In some cases the children will become their own parents, looking for advice from within instead of from the parent. I'm friends with a psychologist who deals with adolescents and tells me a lot of kids end up self- parenting. So they kids will mature prematurely — but oftentimes will have very healthy inner lives — because they had to self-parent and fend for themselves.

BNR: I find it interesting how you chose to show how both sides of that introspection can pan out. The nine-year-old in "Restaurant Reviews" seems like he's using it in a very positive way, gaining all this wisdom like, "I guess I feel bad for people more quickly than Mom does and that is one difference I've noticed about us," and "Sometimes the things that are scariest are the ones you don't understand." Then you see Harper who is just terrified and self-sabotaging.

JE: That's exactly right. There's two sides to the thing. They probably have the same kind of parents, and yet one child is being able to direct it toward premature self-actualization, while the other girl seems possibly permanently stunted.

BNR: When did you start to get interested in these relationships?

JE: It's dramatic because there's something inherently sad about parents and children not connecting with each other. I live in New York City, so I'm surrounded by these types of people — not that they don't exist elsewhere, but they certainly do exist in New York — this neurotic narcissism. I can't actually say I know people as extreme as this. I've seen people on the train like this — briefly. But I can't say I'm actually friends with people like this.

BNR: There's this tangible fear of getting stuck in situations like this — in parenthood and marriages. These parents are clearly miserable. Do you ever think about that personally?

JE: Yes, I think very much about it as I get older — what kind of parent I'd want to be. And I think all the time about how you don't realize that the little habits you acquired will affect a child in a way that I'd never be able to foresee. So yeah — I think about that all the time. And of course it's easy for me to criticize other parents when I don't have a child of my own. I could be the worst parent with the best intentions.

BNR: That's what I think is one of the scariest parts. I can't imagine parents set out to be shrugging the whole time.

JE: Exactly.

BNR: To shift gears, how did you decide to write about Alexander Graham Bell's first five phone calls? The fourth one, specifically, is a drunk dial.

JE: I'm very interested in history, and I read that Alexander Graham Bell made this telephone call to his assistant Watson and said, "Watson, come here. I want to see you." Actually, I think I heard this joke when I was ten years old on Comedy Central. It was a comedian saying his cellphone ringtone was Beethoven. He said, "I don't think when Beethoven was writing Symphony No. 5 he thought in 100 years someone would hear it and say, 'Oh shit. It's my mom.' " I thought that's so funny — the way modern technology has appropriated otherwise nice things for dumb modern pleasures. The way we've appropriated the activity. Like getting drunk and calling a friend. At one point the telephone was a revered wonder. I thought it'd be funny to explore the natural evolution of telephones, but within five phone calls as if to say it starts out an incredible curiosity and winds up three days later as a boring way to communicate what you're doing with your buddy.

BNR: It was a very quick evolution.

JE: We get used to something so quickly and then use it for something stupid. That's what happens now. Technology is being created so rapidly and the next thing you use it for is the dumb thing you used the previous incarnation for. BNR: Like sending drunk carrier pigeons?

JE: Exactly!

BNR: What do you think Alexander Graham Bell would think of Candy Crush and Tinder?

JE: I don't know if he's a follower of McLuhan's "the medium is the message" but if he were, he'd probably be really upset. When I have a play in New York and I hear it's performed elsewhere, my first feeling is so excited and flattered it's being performed in a college or a different country. My next feeling is, "Oh my god. They're probably missing the point of this part." I might be wrong, but you feel protective of your creation when it's out in the world.

BNR: How do you stop yourself from obsessing over something like that?

JE: I have to keep in mind that I've done plays in New York and I get the best actors in the world. My last play had Vanessa Redgrave as the main character. I think I'm the luckiest playwright to have these wonderful actors in my plays, but you end up thinking that line wasn't said correctly. The way I get over it is by thinking my intention isn't necessarily the best way to do it. Once you put your own taste in perspective and realize that it's just your own, the goal is to not only collaborate but also appreciate someone else's wonderful work.

BNR: Would you say you have a natural predisposition to want to be in control with things you create?

JE: Yes, I do. I love working with movies, but I don't watch them for that reason. I love being in control of my acting performance. Often it makes me nervous to think it's being edited and manipulated by other people, so I don't watch the movies. That kind of burden of control is immediately lifted. When you act in a movie, the thing that you're doing on set is very far removed from the thing that's on screen. It's edited, it's underscored, it's an angle that emphasizes one part of your face. The way to ease the burden to just not to watch the thing. When writing books, you have to read things over and over again. What you don't have to do is read other people's critiques of it. Often times it's not very comfortable. People are writing critiques based on their very personal need for expression. It's not very helpful.

BNR: Right. It's based off their own lens and experiences and interpretations.

JE: Or a need to write something mean for whatever reason. Or by contrast, a need to write something nice, which is also dangerous.

BNR: Why do you think that can be dangerous?

JE: As soon as you assign value to people telling you how to do your job, then you are doing your job for some other reason. No one knows my book better than I do, and no one knows the reason I have written it better than I do, so I don't understand how it would be helpful to read somebody else's impression of it. Now if no one reads the book, and my publisher refuses to publish the next book, then I might have to start self-assessing. But until that happens, the best way to do one's job is for themselves, especially in the creative field.

BNR: Right. But don't you feel like there could also be some value in constructive criticism, and in considering intent versus impact?

JE: Absolutely. I think that's great and why it's nice to surround yourself with smart people who will be honest. In my experience, the Internet is not filled with those people. So the temptation to do a Google search on something you've worked on will not yield happiness or helpful results. If you surround yourself with people are thoughtful and nice and honest, I think you'll have much better odds.

BNR: Sounds like you take the same approach many journalists do with skipping reading the comments.

JE: I really like David Brooks, who writes for the New York Times about books. He's a conservative, as well, but he writes about sociology — which I am interested in, it's what I studied in college. I read something the other day of his about gratitude and saw over 100 comments. And they were vicious. I would not have been able to find a way to criticize this, and yet 990 people did.

BNR: I saw Guided by Voices in high school and at one point Robert Pollard grabbed the mic and said, "Have you realized that no matter what anybody's shouting at a show, they're all saying the same thing: 'I exist'?" Commenting on the Internet can be similar.

JE: Very interesting. Yes. "I exist." That's a very good way to put it. Also, very sad.

BNR: How do your studies in sociology contribute to your writing? How does that afford you a different angle in writing all these first-person narratives?

JE: I studied sociology and anthropology in school. There's been no acting class that's been as helpful, no writing class that's been as helpful as learning sociology and anthropology. What anthropology teaches you is that there is equal value to different cultural perspectives. And that is the best thing you can learn as an actor. If you're playing, for example, a villain in a movie, the most important thing is to know there's equal value to that person's perspective as there is to the hero's perspective. And once you do that as an actor, you start to defend your character's decisions — even though he's the villain. And as a writer, for example in this book, if I write about the sociological trends of divorce in the modern era and how that impacts young people — that first story is about the product of divorce, trying to navigate his relationship with his mother. And the other stories that take place in other countries, you see the funny American perspective. They're related to my studies in anthropology the way in which an isolated America — a gross generalization — but a country that's wealthy and geographically removed from a lot of other places can think the more isolated you are, the more removed you are from looking at other cultures, countries, races, ethnicities. That all informs the stuff I'm interested in, the stuff I write about — more than the short story classes I've taken.

BNR: How do you plan to spend the release day of Bream?

JE: [Laughs] Filming a movie, so I'll be on set. Luckily it's not like a movie, waiting for the box office response. That's the most nerve-racking experience, sitting around waiting to see if teenagers are into it. With books it's a more gradual rollout. So I've been through the wringer already. I don't really feel that nervous. I'm still comforted by the publisher, who agreed to publish it so beautifully. It's been really the nicest experience. I just wish movies had one percent of the kind of attention and calmness that the book world has.

BNR: Do you think you'll put out another book one day?

JE: Oh yeah. This has been so wonderful. I can't wait to do it again.

September 9, 2015

From the B&N Reads Blog

Customer Reviews