Based on Walking the Mourners Path, an eight-week support program designed to accompany people in their grief, 30 Days toward Healing Your Grief differs from other support resources by using a proven methodology that does not leave people in their pain but gently leads them forward from “that my loved one died” to “how my loved one lived” and finally to “how I must live to honor his or her memory.”
30 Days offers, for individuals and small groups, a personal, print version of the successful program on which it’s based. Published in workbook form (thirty daily reflections/studies), this book addresses many of the issues that develop with those struggling with grief. Questions—as well as inspirational stories from the author’s nearly fifteen years of group work—help readers understand that they are not alone in their pain. This book will assist mourners as they walk through pain, remember their loved one, honor the relationship, honestly address the complications of grief, and find the courage to turn their pain into joyful living once again. Those who thought God had abandoned them will once again feel his presence through a renewed spiritual relationship with our Lord.
Based on Walking the Mourners Path, an eight-week support program designed to accompany people in their grief, 30 Days toward Healing Your Grief differs from other support resources by using a proven methodology that does not leave people in their pain but gently leads them forward from “that my loved one died” to “how my loved one lived” and finally to “how I must live to honor his or her memory.”
30 Days offers, for individuals and small groups, a personal, print version of the successful program on which it’s based. Published in workbook form (thirty daily reflections/studies), this book addresses many of the issues that develop with those struggling with grief. Questions—as well as inspirational stories from the author’s nearly fifteen years of group work—help readers understand that they are not alone in their pain. This book will assist mourners as they walk through pain, remember their loved one, honor the relationship, honestly address the complications of grief, and find the courage to turn their pain into joyful living once again. Those who thought God had abandoned them will once again feel his presence through a renewed spiritual relationship with our Lord.
30 Days toward Healing Your Grief: A Workbook for Healing
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30 Days toward Healing Your Grief: A Workbook for Healing
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Overview
Based on Walking the Mourners Path, an eight-week support program designed to accompany people in their grief, 30 Days toward Healing Your Grief differs from other support resources by using a proven methodology that does not leave people in their pain but gently leads them forward from “that my loved one died” to “how my loved one lived” and finally to “how I must live to honor his or her memory.”
30 Days offers, for individuals and small groups, a personal, print version of the successful program on which it’s based. Published in workbook form (thirty daily reflections/studies), this book addresses many of the issues that develop with those struggling with grief. Questions—as well as inspirational stories from the author’s nearly fifteen years of group work—help readers understand that they are not alone in their pain. This book will assist mourners as they walk through pain, remember their loved one, honor the relationship, honestly address the complications of grief, and find the courage to turn their pain into joyful living once again. Those who thought God had abandoned them will once again feel his presence through a renewed spiritual relationship with our Lord.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780819233271 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Church Publishing, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 03/01/2017 |
| Pages: | 112 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.90(w) x 8.80(h) x 0.40(d) |
About the Author
Kristen N. Alday, Archdeacon, has a BA in Economics from Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida, and worked in the private sector until becoming Chief Operating Officer for Walking the Mourner's Path. During her time there, she spent 4 years traveling the country training clergy and laity in grief ministry. Ordained to the Diaconate, she serves as Archdeacon of the Episcopal Diocese of Central Florida. She has earned a MA in Counseling at Asbury Theological Seminary and spent 2 years as a Licensed Mental Health Intern in the State of Florida, specializing in issues surrounding grief and loss, anxiety and fear, and trauma that accompanies emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. She lives in Maitland, Florida.
Read an Excerpt
30 Days Toward Healing Your Grief
A Workbook For Healing
By Danielle DuBois Morris, Kristen N. Alday
Church Publishing Incorporated
Copyright © 2017 Danielle DuBois Morris and Kristen N. AldayAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8192-3327-1
CHAPTER 1
DAY 1
What Am I Supposed to Do with the Pain?
For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Do not fear, I will help you."
— Isaiah 41:13
"You know the worst part about grief? When the funeral is over, people stop coming by, the food's gone, and that's when grief hits," says Nancy, a woman facing the recent death of her beloved grandmother. "And there you are, all alone with this horrible ache in your heart. What are you supposed to do with the pain?"
"Eat the casseroles," says Ray, a man whose wife had died. "Eat them alone, at the table where you once ate dinner with your wife. Alone. That's the key word. Alone."
Grief is indeed a lonely job. Bereavement can be filled not only with unquenched sorrow, but with confusion, anger, remorse, and guilt all rolled up into a vast array of mixed emotions. Sometimes you wonder if you're losing your mind. What are you supposed to do with the pain?
When one man received the news that his friend was dying and wanted to see him one last time, the man's heart told him to leave work and go to him immediately. The man wanted to tell his friend how much he appreciated his friendship, how much he loved him, how much he would miss his companionship.
Yet, like so many men balancing the demands of a hectic family life and a successful though exhausting career, he was torn between his responsibilities and his emotions. Each day he would plan to visit his friend, but each day there would be one last detail holding him back. By the time he was able to free his schedule and go to his friend, it was too late. His dear friend had died before the man could get there. Sorrow enveloped him, paralyzing his very thoughts like a powerful hand crushing down on him; catching his breath in its grasp, the force of grief enveloped him. And so, Jesus wept.
Simon had been married for over forty years. "I didn't even know how to turn on the oven when Margaret died. My wife did all the cooking. And the washing machine? I had no idea it was so complicated. Not only do I feel alone, but helpless."
Our Lord also suffered the anguish of grief. He shares our sorrow and longs to comfort us. As you go through your day, try to imagine Jesus standing next to you as you read and pray. He will be there. Take hold of his hand. Listen for his voice. Feel his presence.
1. Has there been a time in your grief when you felt completely engulfed by your pain? When you have felt your grief would never end?
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"I will never get over this," says Marnie. "Our house caught on fire. We still don't know what caused it, but one of our children didn't make it out. My husband kept going into the house, but the flames were too much. He couldn't get Ronnie out. When I think, was he afraid? Did he call out for me? I am just haunted by that. I don't know that I can stand the pain either. I'm never going to get over this."
Sara had not shared much during the first meeting of her grief group. At the beginning of the second meeting she blurted out "What am I supposed to do with this endless, mind-numbing, aching pain?" Her eyes flashed wildly as she caught her breath. "I can't sleep, my body hurts, and my mind is chaos," she continued. Adding with a shaking voice she said, "My throat hurts and I am always sick at my stomach. And the worst part is sometimes I think I see Chloe on a crowded sidewalk. I try to speed up to catch her, my heart racing and my palms sweating. Then the pain jabs me with a fresh punch as I remember the accident."
Chloe was Sara's older sister and they had always been very close. On an early evening in December Chloe and her boyfriend George had gone for a drive to look at Christmas lights around town. The weather had been bad but now everything looked fluffy and white like a village in a snow globe. The police believe that the left turn arrow on the stop signal had appeared and George and Chloe moved into the intersection. At the same time, a car driving way too fast in the other lane skidded on a slick spot. It began to spin out of control. Five cars were involved in the accident, including the car that George and Chloe were in.
As Sara wept and trembled, she continued, "My beautiful sister was decapitated. I keep seeing that beautiful face. Oh my God," she cried out, "I can't take this!"
2. What is the worst time of day for you? When does your pain seem most intense?
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"Sundays are the worst," says Jillian. "You go to church and see everyone with their families and you are alone. By yourself. The seat next to me feels so empty. My husband was only thirty-two when he died. I'm only thirty. People think because I'm young, I'm okay. But I'm not. And people in the church don't talk to me the way they used to when we were a couple."
"And there is no one to go to lunch with after church. Sure, people invite you but it's awkward. They don't know what to say or how to say it. So I go home and eat another casserole from the freezer. When those run out, I have no idea what I'm going to do," laughs Nancy.
"I can relate to that," says Ginger. "I kept telling my grandmother that I would go and see her and we'd go to lunch. I always have a hectic schedule at work and just kept putting it off. Now, if I go out to lunch, that's when I feel the worst."
3. Has there been a time recently when, in your grief, you felt the presence of God?
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"I think God sent me a rose. I know it sounds silly, but right outside my dad's kitchen was his favorite rose bush. It was early spring; there was still some snow on the ground, way too early for roses to bloom. I went over to his house to start packing up his stuff and went out to the trash. I was feeling very guilty about throwing out some of his things. Coming back into the house, I noticed there was a bloom on one of the bushes. A big ole bloom. That made me smile. It was as if my dad and God were telling me it was okay."
4. When you feel as if you could use the presence of God, what might you do to draw him near?
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"I got really mad at my friend Bree," Amy said. "We were having coffee and I was sharing with her my pain because obviously God had turned away from me. Bree only listened for a few minutes before she looked up and said, 'Amy, God does not turn away from us, we turn away from him.'" Amy paused for a moment, frowning when she continued, "I was so angry with Bree. I thought she was my friend. Was she saying that this pain was my fault?" As her story unfolded Amy described an experience sitting in the park by a fountain. "I was just staring at the water. Staring, staring. Everything seemed still and I remembered what Bree had said."
After what seemed like a long time, she put her head down and said, "Please don't think I am crazy but I looked at that fountain and I asked Jesus if he was really living water, would he please ease my pain. I stood up and went and put my hand in the water. And then I felt a tingling all over my body." She continued, "It was if the water said, 'All you had to do was ask. I am always with you.'"
Healing prayer for today: Hold my hand, Lord. I cannot go through this without you.
CHAPTER 2DAY 2
Does God Care?
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground unperceived by your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.
— MATTHEW 10:29–31
"Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning takes all the energy I have," says Grace, a recent widow. "When I finally get out of bed and I think about facing a day without my husband, all I want to do is crawl back under the covers. It's been three months and I still cry all the time. I pray very hard, asking God to help me, but I'm not making any progress. I'm beginning to wonder, does God care?"
A foretaste of God's love for us is revealed in the love we have for each other. When the person we love dies, the emptiness left behind causes great sorrow. We cry out to God in our grief, and it's not unusual to wonder if he hears us.
Yet God does hear our pain and cares a great deal that we suffer. How can we know for sure? Because God concerns himself with the minute details of our lives, including the number of hairs on our heads. Even as Jesus was preparing for his own death, his thoughts were of us: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also" (John 14:1–3).
1. Did the death of your loved one cause you, even for a moment, to think that God didn't care that you were suffering? Explain how you felt that God was not present to you. Can you give it a word?
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"Abandonment," says Margie. "I felt completely abandoned by God. My husband couldn't take watching our little boy Scotty die, so he left us. Here I was with huge hospital bills, getting evicted from our apartment because my ex-husband didn't pay the rent, no income because I lost my job staying in the hospital with Scotty, one child in the hospital, one with me day and night because I had no family to watch her and what was I going to do? Where the hell was God?"
"My word is unbearable," says Mike. "The grief of my father's death was unbearable. Then the family that I had always thought invincible, imploded. Everything I had thought of as 'truth' vanished. Friends did not know what to say to me so they avoided me. When I went to church it just made me sadder. I could not pray and really did not think it would do any good. Ultimately, I decided Jesus was a phony, just like all the other people and things I believed in were."
2. In what ways has God demonstrated his care for you?
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"God came to my rescue through a nurse on the ward. She saw me washing my daughter in the ladies' room. She figured I was in trouble. I was embarrassed," said Margie. "But she said not to worry. All would be well. She prayed for me, but my heart was not in it. Later that day she sent a social worker to me and helped me with all sorts of things, including getting my daughter and me to a Ronald McDonald House, while she looked for a place for us to live. She was there when Scotty died. She held his hand and prayed for him to be received into heaven. I don't know what I would have done without her kindness. I know Jesus sent her to me."
3. How are you experiencing God's presence in your grief? Who has reached out God's loving arms to you? When you feel as if you could use the presence of God, what might you do to draw him near?
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"Prayer helps. I like saying the rosary," says Dale. "I can't get all the way through it, but it's okay. Yes, I cry. It's okay for men to cry, you know."
"I have a friend who always asks for me to walk with her every morning," says Gina. "I'm not an athlete, but one morning I said I'd go with her. I had been feeling so alone and I needed company. As we walked, it started to rain and then it stopped. And there was a rainbow. I know it sounds corny, but it reminded me of God's promise. And I wondered if my sweet Ethan could see rainbows in heaven. Were we sharing this moment? And it gave me great solace to think that we were."
Healing prayer for today: Dear Lord, help me to know that you really care for me. Let me feel your presence.
CHAPTER 3DAY 3
Help Me, Lord!
In you, O Lord, I seek refuge; do not let me ever be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me. Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily. Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me.
— Psalm 31:1–2
"I wake up in the morning praying that the death of our daughter was just a bad dream," says the mother of a five-year-old child who died of cancer. "I go into Stephanie's room, and see that she's not there and the reality that she's gone hits me all over again. Dear God, help me! I cannot bear this pain."
In Psalm 116:15 the psalmist writes, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful ones." You, and your loved one who is now with God, are so very precious to your Lord. Jesus shares the pain you are enduring. Healing the pain of grief takes time. The good news is you don't have to go through the pain alone; your Lord waits for you to call upon his name. "I love those who love me; and those who seek me diligently will find me" (Proverbs 8:17). "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22).
Will you ever get over your grief? Not completely, but the intense pain you are feeling now will begin to lessen. Coping with grief is like running a marathon. Sometimes you just have to keep going even though you have little strength. How? By remembering that God weeps with you, and since he cannot be defeated, neither can you.
1. Looking back at your grief, at what point did it feel as if you would never survive? What gave you the strength to carry on?
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"Baby shampoo," says Grace. "Our baby only lived a few hours. I had the layette all set for our coming home. But she never came home. The layette collected dust but I just didn't have the heart to put it away. Then one day I ran out of shampoo. In desperation I got the shampoo from the layette. I washed my hair and cried that there was no baby's head to wash. I know this will sound weird, but all of a sudden I felt connected to her. I've been using baby shampoo ever since." Grace laughs, "And my hair is really shiny!"
2. When was a time when you felt defeated?
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Scott shuffles in his seat, "The first time I tried to bake. What a mess! My wife was the cook, and I was the griller. I can whip up a barbeque, but a cake? It was my daughter's birthday and I wanted to bake the cake her mother always made for our kids. It came out so lopsided, and it was still kind of raw in the middle. I run a big company, but to do something as simple as bake a cake? I had to admit defeat."
3. It is not unusual to experience odd behavior that is truly unlike you but you can't seem to stop. Has that happened or is that happening to you?
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"My two-year-old daughter climbed out of her crib at naptime. Somehow, she made it to our swimming pool and drowned. I can't bear the pain. It never leaves me. Sometimes I wake up coughing because I am dreaming I'm drowning with her. I hate when I see anyone else smile or seem happy. I have become a 'happiness assassin' because I feel they should feel at least a fraction of my pain. When I'm in the grocery store, dry cleaners, or anywhere for that matter, I carefully scope out my target. I call it a 'trifecta' if I can make three people in one store miserable. My husband is furious with me and is threatening to not let me leave the house alone. I can't do this Lord! Help me!"
(Continues...)
Excerpted from 30 Days Toward Healing Your Grief by Danielle DuBois Morris, Kristen N. Alday. Copyright © 2017 Danielle DuBois Morris and Kristen N. Alday. Excerpted by permission of Church Publishing Incorporated.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction v
Day 1 What Am I Supposed to Do with the Pain? 1
Day 2 Does God Care? 6
Day 3 Help Me, Lord! 9
Day 4 Give Me Strength, Lord! 13
Day 5 I Am in Complete Despair 17
Day 6 I Am So Afraid 20
Day 7 I Feel So Alone in My Grief 25
Day 8 When Grief Catches Me Off Guard 28
Day 9 I Wish I Had Done Things Differently 32
Day 10 I Can't Forgive Myself 36
Day 11 I'm So Mad! 41
Day 12 Feeling Bad for Feeling Good 44
Day 13 Is It Okay to Feel Relieved that My Loved One Is Gone? 48
Day 14 Grief Makes Me Sick 51
Day 15 Am I Losing My Mind? 54
Day 16 Will I Ever Stop Crying? 57
Day 17 Why Did God Do This to Me? 60
Day 18 Can God Heal My Pain? 63
Day 19 Can I Invite God into My Sorrow? 66
Day 20 The Relationship Continues 69
Day 21 Is There Really a Heaven? Will I See My Loved One Again? 72
Day 22 Death Is Not the End of Our Relationship 76
Day 23 I'm Afraid I Will Forget My Loved One 80
Day 24 Will I Ever Be Able to Get Over My Grief? 83
Day 25 I Know I'm Starting to Heal When … 87
Day 26 I Feel So Hopeless 90
Day 27 Thanking God for His Tender Mercies 94
Day 28 Remembering Our Loved One 98
Day 29 Standing Stones 101
Day 30 What Do I Do with the Rest of My Life? 103
Concluding Prayers 106