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Broken and Battered
By Muriel Canfield Howard Books
Copyright © 2002 Muriel Canfield
All right reserved.
Broken and Battered by Muriel Canfield
Introduction
Does an abused Christian woman's story begin with the very first date when the abuser exuded charm or with the last time he threw her down the basement stairs? Or the time he locked her out of the house in the winter and she had to sleep in the car? Or the time he lied about her in front of her friends and told them she had slept around before marriage? Where will it end -- in divorce, in captivity forever with him, in separation, in healing, in death by his hand?
The story of an abused woman can follow many sad or brutal plots with details she likely hides because she is afraid that, once again, she won't be believed; because no one wants to believe anything bad about that nice guy who faithfully attends church.
"Whatever form the brutality takes," James and Phyllis Alsdurf, authors of Battered into Submission, write, "the fact that it exists unchecked in some Christian homes is a deep affront to our faith."
In America, approximately four million women suffer an assault by an intimate partner annually, and one-fourth of all women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. This report doesn't cover the unreported cases of emotionally abused women, who are called "sluts, whores, crazy, stupid" and humiliated in every way for control. It is especially disturbing to find women at the shelter where I volunteer whogain absolutely nothing from their marriages. He's on drugs, so he takes her financial-assistance check. She has no rights as a wife. All she possesses is never-ending fear.
Why are there so many domestic-violence victims? Wired into our culture is the idea that men have the right to control and demean women. Don't we laugh during The Honeymooners when Ralph Kramden threatens Alice: "One of these days, Alice -- Pow! Right in the kisser"? Don't we still feel that love excuses all in Carousel when Julie, the battered wife, says, "It is possible, dear, fer someone to hit you -- hit you hard -- and not hurt at all." How about the way Archie Bunker needles poor, befuddled Edith on All in the Family?
Abused women need our help -- help that has been slow in coming from the church. Currently it is more difficult for many abused wives to find relief at church than in their communities. (Though by no means do all pastors ignore battered women's pleas for help, nor are all insensitive to this tragedy.)
What Is Wife Abuse?
Experts define wife abuse as an assault on a woman's mind or body, meant to make her comply with her husband's will. The assault can be physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological. The methods include kicking; choking; twisting her arm; banging her head into a wall; shouting, often using gutter words to describe her body or her inferior intelligence; rationing money; and regulating her every action and move ("Iron my clothes now!" or "Get in here now!"). He may lock her in or out of her home, destroy her property, force her to do various sex acts (possibly with objects that cause pain), or continually demoralize her through intimidation and threats. An abuser may brutalize pets to terrify her; threaten to kill her, the children, or himself if she should leave him; or actually kill her. (A man can become a murderer when his wife leaves him or he fears she will. He reasons, If I can't have her, no one can.)
The threat of physical abuse can be as terrifying as an actual incident and is defined as a form of psychological abuse. Susan, whose story is told throughout the book, says her husband often punched the kitchen cabinet beside her head. "That could be you," he'd say.
According to domestic-violence expert Lenore Walker, psycho-logical abuse includes isolation. The abuser can create "a situation in which the family is isolated and the man's opinions and points of view are the only ones to which family members are exposed." He may rarely let his wife use the car, the telephone, or let her visit friends. Often he times her trips to the store or church and beats her or accuses her of infidelity if she is late.
Caroline, whose story will also be shared, has suffered thirteen episodes of physical abuse in a five-year marriage. She claims emotional abuse distresses her more than physical abuse. "Once physical abuse is over, I never replay the episode -- maybe it's too terrifying. But I redo the emotional abuse, ad nauseam. The more I replay it, the more real it is. I keep hoping to figure out why he said it."
The National Woman Abuse Prevention Project reports that a physically abusive event usually consists of three predictable phases:
Tension building: Stress causes him to start in on her, wanting to destroy her morale to raise his own. ("She's crazy, seeing other men, a terrible cook.") He blames her for all his problems, real and imagined.
Acts of violence: It may start with a gentle push, but physical abuse worsens over time. Wife beaters typically feel males are supreme, that they possess the right to "discipline."
The honeymoon: An abuser suddenly becomes sorry, crying real tears, promising to go to church, saying he will get counseling. He buys his wife gifts and she relaxes, thinking that finally everything will be all right. It probably won't. Now he's just one step away from repeating the cycle, the next time, more intensely. His contrition may be genuinely felt, or it may be a ruse to get her back under his control.
Some men, inured to their violence, skip the honeymoon phase and switch between building tension and striking.
Unfortunately the cyclical nature of abuse feeds hope in a woman that This time, finally, he's changed! Good-time hopes can override the bad-time horrors. One woman says, "It was really cyclical actually, really incredible. And the odd thing was that in the good periods I could hardly remember the bad times. It was almost as if I was leading two different lives."
But eventually a wife's faith that the abuse will stop withers, as do his statements of remorse. If she stays, a kind of emotional self-death occurs as he blames her for his abuse and she concurs.
In this book we will explore how victims and perpetrators alike can be treated and taught to maintain healthy relationships; though frankly, therapists report that perpetrators' reform rates (from all forms of abuse) are low. We will talk about what this low cure rate means to abused Christian wives, who dearly want to uphold their marriage commitments before God.
We will discover why women cling to abusive men, denying or minimizing the extent of the abuse. Once women understand their own motives, they can work to break their obsessive attachments. Then we'll look at how the church, in a strange kind of two-step, joins these women's dances of denial. Churches deny because they reject the idea that their men (supposedly Christ-like) would hurt women. Actually, we have a threesome on the dance floor. Abusers dance their denial to the lyrics, "It's not my fault. She's rebellious. She provokes me. I had to lose control!" Tragically, this dance is often misjudged as authentic.
Throughout the book, you will hear honest words about real people and their horrors. You will read some unpleasant information. But how can you really help if you don't know what abuse looks like, feels like, and tastes like deep down in the gut?
The first time I encountered wife abuse, I thought the wife provoked it. Vivian and Clark attended my Alcoholics Victorious group -- Clark because he kind of wanted to sober up and Vivian because she was desperate for a sober husband. Vivian phoned one day, sobbing that Clark had kicked her down the stairs and was threatening to hit her with a plate. While Clark grabbed the phone to explain his side, I heard her screeching at him. I thought, If Vivian wouldn't yell at Clark, he'd leave her alone. Not true!
Christ says, "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). The truth will help women say no to abuse. The truth will educate pastors and laity on how to help victims and perpetrators of abuse.
We will explore two tales of abuse from two women: Caroline and Susan. Caroline, a mother of five, is married to a misogynist (one who hates, dislikes, or mistreats women) and lives in a million-dollar house. She would give all her possessions for one moment of love and peace. Susan is the ex-wife of a popular pastor who abused her physically and sexually for more than thirty years. Afraid to ruin his reputation, she never told a soul.
Throughout the book names and identifying details are changed to protect the safety of the women who have confided their stories. I thank each one for her help. They told their stories, although it hurt to remember, not for themselves but for you.
Continues...
Excerpted from Broken and Battered by Muriel Canfield Copyright © 2002 by Muriel Canfield. Excerpted by permission.
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