Read an Excerpt
Karen’s story
I met Chris at a friend’s birthday party and it was an instant connection. He was outgoing, charismatic, and had a zest for life. He was one of those people that knew no stranger. He seldom had bad days - not because there weren’t bad things that happened to him, he just chose to make the best out of any given situation. He woke up every morning with confidence, ready to attack the day.
We [eventually] decided to get an apartment together. We lived together for a year and one morning, Chris prepared a candlelit blueberry pancake breakfast and proposed. We spent the following year planning our wedding and honeymoon. We were both so excited to have all of our family and friends share our special day with us. The night before the wedding, we rehearsed at the church, and had a rehearsal dinner where all five of his groomsmen stood up and each told stories about their friendship with Chris. I cherish that memory to this day, knowing that they were all able to let him know how much he meant to them. Chris’ parents spoke such loving words to their only son and to me
On the morning of the wedding, I went to have my hair done and Chris was going to have breakfast with his groomsmen. When I returned to the hotel, Chris’ mom called me and told me there had been a car accident. She didn’t know all the details but told me they were going to the hospital. I was in shock and called the hospital to get more information. They would not give me any answers and I remember saying with the firmest voice, “I am standing here in my wedding veil, should I be standing here or do I need to come to the hospital?” Her voice was very soft spoken and with hesitation, she replied, “Get to the hospital”.
I remember hanging up the phone and running out of the hotel room. Along with my family and bridesmaids, we rushed to the hospital. I still don’t know how I knew where to go, but I ended up in a room with Chris’ parents and a couple of the groomsmen, where Chris’ mom told me, “He didn’t make it”. I remember falling to my knees and shaking. I remember his parents hugging and one of his groomsmen knelt down and hugged me. I remember Chris’ mom leading us in a prayer. How she had the strength to do that is beyond me, but she triggered what would happen later that morning for me at the church.
The wedding was supposed to be at 11:00 a.m. and by this time, it was around 10:00 a.m. We decided that it would be best to go to the church. I arrived at the church at the same time as the guests were arriving for the ceremony. No one knew.
The church was able to turn a wedding into a memorial in a matter of minutes. The songs of joy turned to songs of sorrow. The bible verses full of love were turned to verses full of sorrow. At the end of the memorial, the priest came to my pew and I asked if I could speak. I’m not sure what came over me, but I felt the need to be strong. I walked down the aisle and told everyone how special the night before was, with everyone telling him how much they loved him. I told them that he died knowing how much he was loved. I remember being very passionate and strong, as if Chris’ presence was still with me, cheering me on.
After the memorial, everyone went to the “reception”. Looking back, I wonder how anyone did anything that day, but we were all confused and in shock. It hit me hard about 20 minutes into the reception and I had to leave.
“Why Me?”
Days, weeks, and months after Chris died, I often thought about the “Why” question - not so much the “Why Me”, just the “Why did this happen?” Why did the accident happen on the morning of our wedding? Why did all the scenarios lead to Chris and his groomsmen being in the car at that particular time of day? Why wasn’t it me, instead of him? Why do his parents have to go through this?
“What Now?”
I feel like the “What Now” stage came very early on. I was teaching first grade at the time and was scheduled to go back to work a week after our wedding. I didn’t want to go back, but my parents and loved ones encouraged me to go back. I still remember within the first 30 minutes of being at school, a previous student came to my classroom and casually said, “Heard your husband died before you got married, sorry” and went off to her class. She was seven years old and obviously didn’t know any better, but it was an immediate knife to the heart. She knew, the whole school knew, and I just wanted to curl up into a ball.
I didn’t know who I was anymore. I went from “we” to “I” and even though those words are so simple, it was mind-boggling to me as I had planned to spend the rest of my life with the person who I had just lost. All tasks became huge challenges. Going to the grocery store took emotional strength, as that was something that Chris and I loved doing together. Cooking was always quite the event for Chris – great music played and creative dishes made; how could I possibly cook without him?
“What Next?”
I remember just a few days after the accident; my mom had contacted a counselor for me. I didn’t want to go, but I am now so thankful that I did. My counselor was one of the main reasons that I learned how to grieve and grow and I will be eternally grateful for her weekly meetings for two years.
After a couple months of teaching, I decided that I would look into FMLA 57 and decided to take a few months off from teaching. It was the best decision I ever made. I took time off for me. I decided to take a couple of trips all by myself and it was liberating to feel in charge of my life. I went skydiving, started new hobbies, got a new haircut, started running [both] half and full marathons. I gave myself a chance of starting a different life. I allowed myself to have really good days and really bad days. I reminded myself who I was.
Eventually, my friends talked me into trying online dating. Sometimes, the dates were just what I needed to feel alive again and sometimes the dates threw me into a downward spiral; making me miss Chris so bad that I could hardly breathe. I eventually met Tom and we had an instant connection through our conversations. We met a couple of months later, went out on a date and it was very nice - but I wasn’t looking for anything more.
We ended up going out a few more times and after each date, it was as if a new “life puzzle” was being created. Tom was such a great combination of being masculine and sensitive at the same time. He had just lost his father the year before we met. We shared many tears together while listening to each other’s stories. Starting a new relationship held many challenges - I had gone from “we” to “I” to a new “we” again. Tom made me feel ecstatic about my possible future, and I had not felt that in a long time.
Tom proposed a few months after we got pregnant. I had hoped to find love again, but could not imagine the act of planning a wedding or having a marriage, as I associated the words “wedding” and “marriage” with death. Tom knew this was very overwhelming for me, and was there for me from the beginning.
We decided to get married in the Virgin Islands and had only a few family members there. The hotel organized the wedding, I ordered my wedding dress online, and that was it – it was perfect. I’m sure Tom would have loved to have had a huge wedding but he never pushed me into something that he knew I couldn’t handle. Now we have a beautiful little girl and our love grows stronger for each other every day. We both try not to take one another for granted because we know how easily everything can be ripped away from us.
Karen’s “Be Kind to You” message
During grief, I believe that it is important to immerse yourself in books, quotes, and groups with fellow widows to remind yourself that you are not alone (even though you feel that you are). The saying “There is comfort in misery” is often viewed as a negative thought, but not when it comes to being surrounded by others who truly get where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.
Sometimes we spend so much time trying to “keep it together” that it eventually backfires. Allow yourself to fall apart and break down. When you want to crumble, crumble and when you are ready to pick yourself back up, get up. Don’t worry about what others feel like you should or shouldn’t be doing (unless it is unhealthy). You are in control of your life and that can be pretty liberating if you allow it. Allow yourself to grow and change in any way you wish. Challenge yourself to do things that you have always dreamed of or never imagined doing.
Life is different after you lose your loved one, so instead of making it a dreadfully different life, turn it into a beautifully different life. If life leads you to love again, allow it. If life leads you to find success in another work place, let it. If life leads you to do something that seems scary and new, let it. This is your chance to let your life shine and let your lost loved one see the amazing person they married.
