A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son

by Michael Ian Black

Overview

“Raw, intimate, and true . . . A Better Man cracked me wide open, and it’s a template for the conversation we need to be having with our boys.”
—Peggy Orenstein, bestselling author of Boys & Sex

A poignant look at boyhood, in the form of a heartfelt letter from comedian Michael Ian Black to his teenage son before he leaves for college, and a radical plea for rethinking masculinity and teaching young men to give and receive love.

In a world in which the word masculinity now often goes hand in hand with toxic, comedian, actor, and father Michael Ian Black offers up a way forward for boys, men, and anyone who loves them. Part memoir, part advice book, and written as a heartfelt letter to his college-bound son, A Better Man reveals Black’s own complicated relationship with his father, explores the damage and rising violence caused by the expectations placed on boys to “man up,” and searches for the best way to help young men be part of the solution, not the problem. “If we cannot allow ourselves vulnerability,” he writes, “how are we supposed to experience wonder, fear, tenderness?”

Honest, funny, and hopeful, Black skillfully navigates the complex gender issues of our time and delivers a poignant answer to an urgent question: How can we be, and raise, better men? 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781616209117
Publisher:	Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill
Publication date:	09/15/2020
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	667,758
Product dimensions:	6.90(w) x 5.20(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Michael Ian Black is an actor, comedian, and writer who started his career with the sketch comedy show The State, on MTV, and has created and starred in many other television shows. Movie appearances include Wet Hot American Summer, The Baxter, and Sextuplets. Black is the author of several books for children, including the award-winning trio I’m Bored, I’m Sad, and I’m Worried, and the parody A Child’s First Book of Trump. His books for adults include the memoirs You’re Not Doing It Right and Navel Gazing and the essay collection My Custom Van. Black also co-authored with Meghan McCain America, You Sexy Bitch. As a stand-up comedian, Michael regularly tours the country, and he has released several comedy albums. His podcasts include Mike & Tom Eat Snacks, with Tom Cavanagh; Topics, with Michael Showalter; How to Be Amazing; and Obscure. He lives in Connecticut with his wife and two children.

Table of Contents

Introduction: The Wilds of Connecticut 1

1 Some Guy: Now You're Home 17

2 Rosary: Tell Your Kids You Love Them 27

3 Skate or Die: You're Not Toxic 43

4 A Useful Engine: You're a Real Man 65

5 No Sissy Stuff: Be Yourself 83

6 Do You Even Lift, Bro?: Share the Load 103

7 Beer from a Leg: Respect the Service of Others 117

8 Smoke Signals: Violence Is (Almost) Never the Answer 138

9 Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner: Take Pride, but Not Too Much 154

10 Gunslinger: You Can't Do It Alone 168

11 Lucky Charms: Choose Happiness 179

12 It's Just Plumbing: Communicate with Your Partner (and Pick Up the Check) 201

13 Everything and Nothing: Be Humane 221

14 Here I Am: Do Something Positive 243

15 A Better Man: Breathe 257

16 One Guy: Turn Around and Wave Goodbye 279

Acknowledgments 289

Editorial Reviews

03/23/2020

In this thoughtful memoir and social commentary, comedian Black (You’re Not Doing it Right) writes a loving letter to Elijah, his college-bound son on what it means to be a man today. Black deconstructs America’s troubled relationship with toxic masculinity, which he believes fosters anger and withdrawal in American boys and men—including his younger self. “I cultivated an entire comedic persona based on withdrawal,” Black writes. “Sarcasm is a form of withdrawal.” He recalls the alienation of his suburban New Jersey upbringing and the “might always made right” mantras of the Ramboesque Reagan era. Today, he explains, American men—especially white men—are scared, since their macho behavior is becoming increasingly irrelevant. It’s all made worse, he contends, by “the infinite axis of manliness,” by which society rates a guy’s masculinity based on such arbitrary factors as his choice of beverage or academic performance (“A C student is somehow more macho than an A student”). Black’s advice and counsel (“Respectful pride can enhance your dignity and lift up the people around you”), based on his own desire to be “a better man,” is never maudlin but worldly and self-effacing. He convincingly writes to Elijah, “your generation of men can become pioneers, reinventing masculinity.” Parents will be moved and enlightened by Black’s thoughtful advice. (May)

Publishers Weekly

03/06/2020

In this extended letter to his college-bound son, author and comedian Black (You're Not Doing Right) offers advice for navigating adulthood and masculinity, toxic or otherwise. Black combines humor and seriousness throughout—he uses humor when examining what it means to "be a man," but he also shows a side that is serious and vulnerable, drawing from his childhood experiences and giving advice on navigating complex gender issues as a young adult. Black expected his father to pass on the "secrets" of becoming a man, but he lost his father at a young age, and was forced to make sense of masculinity on his own. He reflects on the challenges of parenting and the limitations of protecting one's child. He tackles clichés, such as the idea that men should never ask for help or show emotion, and he reassuringly urges his son to be himself. VERDICT Both thoughtful and lighthearted, this work will appeal to anyone interested in masculinity and modern gender roles.—Gary Medina, El Camino Coll., Torrance, CA

Library Journal

2020-01-21
A multitalented actor and comedian digs deep to write a letter to his son about becoming a man.

Black, who got his start with the cult classic The State, is a performer with many facets. Onstage, he displays a dryly sarcastic sense of humor, and at the same time, he has been able to fully engage his goofy side in projects like Wet Hot American Summer. In his latest work of autobiography, following You’re Not Doing It Right, Black drops the act in order to deliver heartfelt lessons for his college-bound son. Opening with the Sandy Hook mass shooting, which occurred blocks from his son’s school, the author addresses his fears, hopes, and missteps in raising his children. The shooting, he writes, “felt like a tornado touching down, mindless and cruel. But also predictable. Infuriatingly predictable….In America…mass shootings are as common as sunsets.” Whether examining violence, sex, relationships, or compassion, Black lays out his thoughts and feelings with few defenses up and a comic lightness that doesn’t belie the book’s rather heavy truths. Though not as analytical as Peggy Ornstein’s incisive analyses of the sex lives of young people (although she shows up here), the narrative offers thoughtful ruminations on masculinity in the modern age. It’s also refreshing to read a memoir that doesn’t preach its messages from an author who honestly admits his imperfections. “The ideas I’m giving to you now are the best I can do now,” Black writes. “I hope you’ll tell me where you think I’ve fallen short. I hope you’ll remind me to stay open and available and receptive to new ideas. Maybe the last job of parenting is surrendering the lead and letting our kids guide us forward. We’re going to need the help.”

Whether you’re a parent or simply thinking about life choices, there’s both melancholy and wisdom to be found here.

Kirkus Reviews

A BuzzFeed Most-Anticipated Book of the Year

“[Black’s] tone is so lovely, his empathy so clear . . . He does wonderful work breaking down the masculine coding surrounding his own behaviors.”
—The New York Times

“Written as a letter to his son, comedian Black’s reflections on masculinity’s pitfalls and how to raise—and be—a more enlightened guy will resonate with parents and teens alike.”
—People Magazine

“We need this book . . . To read A Better Man now, when the world often seems beyond repair, so many generations of men having steered us into calamity with their brittleness and hubris and idiocy—one could wonder whether even a good book can make a difference. But then you’re snapped back to Black’s simple decency, and intelligence and love for his son, and you think, Oh man, maybe.”
—San Francisco Chronicle

“Essential reading for both men and boys.”
—Chicago Tribune

“Parents will be moved and enlightened by Black’s thoughtful advice.”
—Publishers Weekly

“There's something for everyone in these pages. Hand this to anyone who loved David Sedaris's Calypso.”
—Booklist, starred review

“Heartfelt lessons for his college-bound son . . . Black lays out his thoughts and feelings with few defenses up and a comic lightness that doesn't belie the book's rather heavy truths . . . Thoughtful ruminations on masculinity in the modern age . . . Whether you're a parent or simply thinking about life choices, there's both melancholy and wisdom to be found here.”
—Kirkus Reviews

“Both thoughtful and lighthearted, this work will appeal to anyone interested in masculinity and modern gender roles.”
—Library Journal

“I think about the subject matter of Michael Ian Black's new book all the time. As a parent of both boys and girls, I find myself rebuffing the gender-based cultural assumptions that are foisted on them more frequently than I could have ever imagined. Thank you Michael Ian Black for challenging society's antiquated approach to raising boys, and deepening the conversation about what we actually want for our kids. Sir, you are a good egg.”
—Samantha Bee, host of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

“Gorgeous, authentic, and deeply thoughtful. This book is the perfect gift for a generation of men and boys desperate for guidance but raised to be afraid to ask for it. The way Michael Ian Black models vulnerability and writes about his own pain gives permission to every man across America to do it too. Michael's voice is necessary now more than ever, to offer men a different path, where they can be curious about their own gender and mount their own revolution for better definition of masculinity. I’m so glad this book exists.”
—Liz Plank, author of For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity

“It will never fail to amaze me that the man I best knew as Levon, a crushed velvet suit-wearing, $240 worth of pudding-rubbing smooth talker on ‘The State,’ has written a book that is at once insightful, incisive, deeply kind, urgent and wise (and of course funny as hell.) But that's what A Better Man is. The book isn't so much a call to create a new way of being a man as it to remember our innate and basic goodness.”
—Joshua David Stein, author of To Me He Was Just Dad

“I couldn’t put this down. An important book for anybody with a son. Michael Ian Black tackles the tough subject of masculinity in unexpected, tender, and sometimes funny ways.”
—Alyssa Milano, actor and humanitarian

“Obviously, Michael Ian Black can be funny, but who knew he could write something so raw, intimate, and true? A Better Man cracked me wide open, and it’s a template for the conversation we need to be having with our boys. So, if you have a son, are a son, or know anyone who has ever been a son, just . . . please, read this book.”
—Peggy Orenstein, bestselling author of Boys Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

“A Better Man is a beautifully written letter from a father to his son. In a wise and nuanced way, Black challenges popular culture’s view of masculinity. Without saying that we have to throw all ideas we have of manhood out of the window, he is reminding his son, and also us, that kindness, love and empathy—as well as strength and courage - are all important qualities - for all men. He’s reminding us that to love, and to care for one another, is not a feminine quality—it’s a human quality.”
 —Kim Evensen, author of The Real Bro Code and CEO of the Brothers organization

“[This book] resonated with me like no other book has in years.”
—Masked Library 

“Poignant . . . this book should be more popular. It’s really about what it means to be a man in today’s world, and how to be supportive of inclusivity and vulnerability. There are lessons in this book for everybody.”—Elle.com

From the Publisher