A Matter of Death and Life

by Irvin D. Yalom, Marilyn Yalom

Overview

A year-long journey by the renowned psychiatrist and his writer wife after her terminal diagnosis, as they reflect on how to love and live without regret.

Internationally acclaimed psychiatrist and author Irvin Yalom devoted his career to counseling those suffering from anxiety and grief. But never had he faced the need to counsel himself until his wife, esteemed feminist author Marilyn Yalom, was diagnosed with cancer. In A Matter of Death and Life, Marilyn and Irv share how they took on profound new struggles: Marilyn to die a good death, Irv to live on without her.

In alternating accounts of their last months together and Irv's first months alone, they offer us a rare window into facing mortality and coping with the loss of one's beloved. The Yaloms had numerous blessings—a loving family, a Palo Alto home under a magnificent valley oak, a large circle of friends, avid readers around the world, and a long, fulfilling marriage—but they faced death as we all do. With the wisdom of those who have thought deeply, and the familiar warmth of teenage sweethearts who've grown up together, they investigate universal questions of intimacy, love, and grief.

Informed by two lifetimes of experience, A Matter of Death and Life is an openhearted offering to anyone seeking support, solace, and a meaningful life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781503632585
Publisher:	Stanford University Press
Publication date:	04/19/2022
Pages:	240
Sales rank:	175,002
Product dimensions:	8.60(w) x 5.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Irvin D. Yalom, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, is the author of internationally bestselling books, including Love's Executioner, The Gift of Therapy, Becoming Myself, and When Nietzsche Wept. Marilyn Yalom's books include classics of cultural history such as A History of the Wife, Birth of the Chess Queen, and How the French Invented Love, as well as her final book released posthumously, Innocent Witnesses: Childhood Memories of World War II. They were married for sixty-five years.

Table of Contents

Preface ix

1 The Vital Box 1

2 Becoming an Invalid 12

3 Awareness of Evanescence 21

4 Why Don't We Move to Assisted Living? 28

5 Retirement: The Precise Moment of Decision 35

6 Setbacks and Renewed Hopes 41

7 Staring at the Sun, Once Again 50

8 Whose Death Is This Anyway? 63

9 Facing Endings 67

10 Considering Physician-Assisted Suicide 73

11 A Tense Countdown to Thursday 79

12 A Complete Surprise 87

13 So Now You Know 92

14 Death Sentence 100

15 Farewell to Chemotherapy-and to Hope 106

16 From Palliative Care to Hospice 109

17 Hospice Care 120

18 A Soothing Illusion 124

19 French Books 127

20 The End Approaches 132

21 Death Arrives 137

22 The After-Death Experience 142

We Will Remember 149

23 Life as an Independent, Separate Adult 158

24 Home Alone 166

25 Sex and Grief 169

26 Unreality 174

27 Numbness 180

28 Help from Schopenhauer 184

29 Denial Revealed 190

30 Stepping Out 193

31 Indecisiveness 199

32 On Reading My Own Work 202

33 Seven Advanced Lessons in the Therapy of Grief 207

34 My Education Continues 211

35 Dear Marilyn 215

Editorial Reviews

"For over half a century, the eminent psychiatrist Irvin Yalom has dazzled the world with his stories of the human psyche packed with wisdom, insight, and humor. Now, with stunning candor and courage, he shares with us the most difficult experience of his life: the loss of his wife and steadfast companion since adolescence. Partners to the end, including in the co-writing of this book, they share an indelible portrait of bereavement—the terror, pain, denial, and reluctant acceptance. But what we are left with is much more than a profound story of enduring loss—it's an unforgettable and achingly beautiful story of enduring love. I will be thinking about this for years to come." —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

"This beautiful, poignant, and uplifting memoir is a love story, a tale of two incredibly accomplished lives that were lived almost as one, the sum turning out to be so much greater than its parts. It will inspire you and perhaps move you to look differently at your life—it did that for me."—Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone

"The Yaloms are not just honest, but astonishingly generous with their readers. This book takes its immediate place in the canon of great end-of-life memoirs."—Caitlin Doughty, founder of The Order of the Good Death

"A Matter of Death and Life is both a sweet reminiscence and a path to discovery. Two eminent professors, authors, and lifelong partners grapple with aging, fragility, and death. In the process of honestly meeting the precariousness of life, they come to a deeper appreciation of its preciousness."—Frank Ostaseski, author of The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

"A Matter of Death and Life is so much more than a book. It is an indefatigable love story. It is a text that traverses past and present. It is exquisite, candid, and vulnerable—absent the too-common defenses of artifice and pomposity—as it approaches the untenable pain of separation and unyielding yearning of loss. Every person would benefit from multiple readings of this intelligently relatable book, both to confront dying as we inch toward our own mortality and, perhaps more importantly, the grief when one so beloved precedes us in death. I am deeply enriched for having absorbed this intimate narrative, as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Irv and Marilyn's love story, ending in the tragedy of endings, is yours, mine, and all of ours."—Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, author of Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

"This is a remarkable book—as remarkable as its authors, Irv Yalom, the master existential therapist and widely read author, and Marilyn Yalom, an accomplished scholar and writer. Summoning immense courage, the Yaloms co-write the story of their emotional and moral caregiving for each other. A Matter of Death and Life is the culmination of the Yaloms' career-long quests for wisdom in the art of living and dying. It is a book that transforms the reader—I couldn't put it down."—Arthur Kleinman, author of The Soul of Care: The Moral Education of a Husband and Doctor

"This book is illuminating and vivid, a beautiful examination of the consolation of a life well-lived, and a beacon of hope to all of us who will be bereaved. And of course, it is an exposition of how we who are mortal learn to live with that very truth about ourselves."—Kathryn Mannix, Sunday Times bestselling author of With the End in Mind: Dying, Death and Wisdom in an Age of Denial

"The book has countless pieces of wisdom for anyone confronting death....The Yaloms' distinct voices are complements to each other and gifts to readers. A profound love story with lessons for how to live as well as how to die."—Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

"The memoir is clearly the ending to a big love story... The Yaloms are still very much in love, and that is both bizarre and dull, alienating and encouraging to read about. But what interests me is not how to stay with the same person for seven decades... but, again, that starry uncertainty, silver and hot: How do we choose to die?"—Audrey Wollen, The New York Review of Books

"A Matter of Death and Life is wise, beautiful, heartbreaking, raw—a paean to enduring love and what it means." —The Times

From the Publisher

"The Yaloms are not just honest, but astonishingly generous with their readers. This book takes its immediate place in the canon of great end-of-life memoirs."

founder of The Order of the Good Death - Caitlin Doughty

"The memoir is clearly the ending to a big love story... The Yaloms are still very much in love, and that is both bizarre and dull, alienating and encouraging to read about. But what interests me is not how to stay with the same person for seven decades... but, again, that starry uncertainty, silver and hot: How do we choose to die?"

The New York Review of Books - Audrey Wollen

"This beautiful, poignant, and uplifting memoir is a love story, a tale of two incredibly accomplished lives that were lived almost as one, the sum turning out to be so much greater than its parts. It will inspire you and perhaps move you to look differently at your life—it did that for me."

author of Cutting for Stone - Abraham Verghese

"A Matter of Death and Life is both a sweet reminiscence and a path to discovery. Two eminent professors, authors, and lifelong partners grapple with aging, fragility, and death. In the process of honestly meeting the precariousness of life, they come to a deeper appreciation of its preciousness."

author of The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully - Frank Ostaseski

"This book is illuminating and vivid, a beautiful examination of the consolation of a life well-lived, and a beacon of hope to all of us who will be bereaved. And of course, it is an exposition of how we who are mortal learn to live with that very truth about ourselves."

Sunday Times bestselling author of With the End in Mind: Dying, Death and Wisdom in an Age of Denial - Kathryn Mannix

"This is a remarkable book—as remarkable as its authors, Irv Yalom, the master existential therapist and widely read author, and Marilyn Yalom, an accomplished scholar and writer. Summoning immense courage, the Yaloms co-write the story of their emotional and moral caregiving for each other. A Matter of Death and Life is the culmination of the Yaloms' career-long quests for wisdom in the art of living and dying. It is a book that transforms the reader—I couldn't put it down."

author of The Soul of Care: The Moral Education of a Husband and Doctor - Arthur Kleinman

"A Matter of Death and Life is so much more than a book. It is an indefatigable love story. It is a text that traverses past and present. It is exquisite, candid, and vulnerable—absent the too-common defenses of artifice and pomposity—as it approaches the untenable pain of separation and unyielding yearning of loss. Every person would benefit from multiple readings of this intelligently relatable book, both to confront dying as we inch toward our own mortality and, perhaps more importantly, the grief when one so beloved precedes us in death. I am deeply enriched for having absorbed this intimate narrative, as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Irv and Marilyn's love story, ending in the tragedy of endings, is yours, mine, and all of ours."

author of Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief - Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

"For over half a century, the eminent psychiatrist Irvin Yalom has dazzled the world with his stories of the human psyche packed with wisdom, insight, and humor. Now, with stunning candor and courage, he shares with us the most difficult experience of his life: the loss of his wife and steadfast companion since adolescence. Partners to the end, including in the co-writing of this book, they share an indelible portrait of bereavement—the terror, pain, denial, and reluctant acceptance. But what we are left with is much more than a profound story of enduring loss—it's an unforgettable and achingly beautiful story of enduring love. I will be thinking about this for years to come."

New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Rev - Lori Gottlieb

★ 2020-12-22
A collaborative memoir that provides an honest reckoning with the end of a long, fruitful life.

After being diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2019, Marilyn Yalom suggested to her husband, Irvin, that the two of them, both writers, should write a book documenting her death from the perspective of a couple who had been together and happy for more than 50 years. She believed that it might have something to offer “other couples with one member facing a fatal illness.” As it turns out, she underestimated: The book has countless pieces of wisdom for anyone confronting death. As the two authors alternate chapters, the love between them manifests on the page through their mutual care and sense of togetherness. What emerges is an uncommonly tender portrait of what a strong marriage feels like on the inside. The Yaloms have the advantage of having lived charmed lives—healthy children, rich social lives, meaningful and successful work, deep love—and so face Marilyn’s death without the kinds of life regrets that make the prospect of death even more difficult for those who have a sense of an unlived life. This particular insight is drawn from Irvin’s previous work as one of the most well-known and influential therapists of the past several decades. Among his other specialties he is a leading figure in existential psychology, so death is not a new subject for him. Indeed, readers familiar with his writing will notice repeated material from his previous books. However, considering the circumstances here, the author achieves new depth and poignancy, qualities that are matched by Marilyn’s grace as she hopes to follow Nietzsche’s advice to “die at the right time.” The Yaloms’ distinct voices are complements to each other and gifts to readers.

A profound love story with lessons for how to live as well as how to die.

Kirkus Reviews