A Pagan's Nightmare

by Ray Blackston Narrated by George Wilson

Overview

Popular author of the humorous Flabbergasted trilogy, Ray Blackston directs his creative talents to an even broader and more challenging theme. In A Pagan's Nightmare, Blackston highlights the plight of one pagan who's suddenly engulfed in a Christian world.

At first, Lanny Hooch thinks the sign at the gas station is a practical joke: "Unleaded $0.12 per gallon for the Redeemed-$6.66 for everyone else." At McDonald's, he notices crosses on the employees' lapels and french fries--renamed McScriptures--embossed with Bible verses. And he wonders why everyone calls him "Mr. P." But when he detects changed lyrics in the oldies tunes blaring from his car radio, he realizes something is seriously wrong. The Beatles never sang about wanting to hold someone's tithe! And then there's the huge reward for his capture and conversion.

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly

After penning several humorous novels about Christian singles (Flabbergasted), Blackston swaps publishers from Revell to Warner Faith and tries his hand at a dual-story line comic allegory with mixed results. Larry Hutch is a novelist who has a fashionable manuscript about an apparent "reverse rapture": the Christians are left behind, along with a few random pagans. Larry's protagonist, pagan Lanny Hooch, spends his allotted pages trying to find out what has happened to his girlfriend, Miranda, who has disappeared. As Lanny teams up with a pagan disc jockey, they attempt to avoid Christian zealots who are hot on their trail to capture and convert them. There are some attempted humorous looks at what the world might be like as an intentionally over-the-top, all-Christian society: Devil's Food Cake becomes David's Food Cake; the Beatles sing "I Wanna Hold Your Tithe"; and McDonald's staff all wear gold crosses on their sleeves instead of golden arches and serve fries called "McScriptures." But the humor falls flat, and the alternating chapters between the novel's plot and Larry's discussions with various people who are all eager to read his work in progress (and can't put it down once they do) feel like an attempt to persuade the reader that this is good stuff. Even Blackston's fans will be hard-pressed to find the humor here. (Oct. 25) Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940171025311
Publisher:	Recorded Books, LLC
Publication date:	03/10/2008
Edition description:	Unabridged

Read an Excerpt

A Pagan's Nightmare

A Novel

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By Ray Blackston

FAITHWORDS

Copyright © 2006 Charles "Ray" Blackston
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0-446-57959-9

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Chapter One

SUFFICE IT TO SAY that a certain people-some would call them the fortunate ones-took over.

Well, took over is too strong a phrase. Actually it was more like an inheritance. No, actually it was more like they were sitting at a very long table with many strangers, and in mid-course all the strangers left without finishing their strawberry cheesecake, so the fortunate ones just helped themselves.

How shameless-helping oneself to the early departeds' dessert. The gall!

Lanny Hooch will be our hero, or anti-hero-or perhaps an innocent bystander-depending on your perspective. You see, Lanny was in the right place at the right time: in a church, in northwest Atlanta, on a Monday morning, on his knees, atop hardwood floors, facing a baptismal.

He'd been here once before-the previous Friday-and on that morning he'd assumed a similar posture. And you think Lanny was repentant? Repentant? Hah!

Lanny owned Hooch Contracting, and on this day he was on his knees with his trusty Craftsman cordless drill, removing rusty wood screws from a ruined baseboard. The baptismal had sprung a leak, and the Baptists had summoned Lanny. He was a good worker. Punctual, with reasonable rates. Sometimes he cursed loudly if he hit his thumb with his hammer, and by 10:00 a.m. he had done this twice. He was alone in the sanctuary however, so no one heard him. Or did they?During his break he visited the men's room. He washed his hands at the sink, reached for a paper towel, and spotted a sign next to the dispenser. SOMEONE ALWAYS HEARS, it read. The blue lettering was still wet, and Lanny returned to his work, wondering who had painted the sign.

Perhaps it was because Lanny was on his knees, down front in an empty sanctuary on a Monday morning in August, that he was picked. Though at this point he was thinking only about lunch, and of course the forty-mile drive to his next work site, an elementary school on the south side of Atlanta.

After he finished the repairs to the Baptist baseboard, Lanny climbed into his sage green Nissan Xterra and headed for the school, where he was to install a kiddie commode, the kind that force adults to sit all squished, with their knees up to their chins. But first Lanny had to stop for gas, so he took exit 57 and turned into a BP station. He stopped at this BP often; they usually had the lowest price. In a hurry, he paid no attention to the price as he filled his twenty-gallon tank. For several minutes he stood staring out at the traffic, thinking about Miranda and sniffing the fumes. Miranda was his girlfriend. She was twenty-nine, and her flight back from Orlando was due in at 1:30. She had gone to visit her parents and had taken Monday as a vacation day. Lanny could not wait to see her again.

After he replaced his fuel cap, Lanny blinked his confusion as he finally read the sign above the pumps:

UNLEADED: $0.12 PER GALLON FOR THE REDEEMED $6.66 PER GALLON FOR EVERYONE ELSE

"No way!" Lanny shouted to the pump. He looked around to see if someone were holding a camera, filming him as part of a joke. He saw no one. At that moment, he was the only one pumping gas. Surely someone is messing with my head. But what if they're not?

To Lanny, such price gouging seemed positively satanic, not to mention awfully unfair. This pit stop was also his first warning that something-he thought the air smelled funny, never mind the fumes-might be different about this particular Monday. But what could he do? He chalked it up to a practical joke and kept his composure. And composure was a trait he needed, since he had to hurry to south Atlanta to install the kiddie commode.

Lanny had only thirty-two dollars in his wallet, so he walked inside and asked the clerk in the Nike hat what the real price of gas was today.

"For you it's $6.66 per gallon," said the clerk, blank-faced. "But that's outrageous." Lanny pushed away from the counter. "I won't pay it."

The clerk shrugged and pointed to the hidden camera mounted in the corner. "We have you on tape, and the gas is already in your truck. Don't make us call the authorities."

"Then I'll siphon the gas back out into your storage tank." "We cannot take it back, sir. The gas is now tainted." In no mood to deal with the police, a frustrated Lanny wrote out a check for $126.54.

Intelligent persons might pause here and say, "Wait, that does not compute! Twenty gallons times $6.66 equals $133.20."

Intelligent persons would be mistaken. Even blue collars like Lanny know not to drive till their tank is empty. He still had one gallon left in his Xterra.

Hungry and feeling ripped off, he drove across the street to a McDonald's. Everyone behind the counter was smiling the pastedon smiles of those who have endured fast-food training but are still uncomfortable greeting the customers. Yet Lanny was confused by the uniforms, which, though still the basic red and yellow, possessed no golden arches but instead golden crosses-one on each sleeve.

Perhaps this was Lanny's second warning. But he was hungry and still mad over the satanic gas gouging, so he ordered a cheeseburger, a fish sandwich, large fries, and a Coke.

He hoped that the smiling blonde cashier girl would not tell him that his total was $6.66, and he felt relieved when she said, "That'll be seven dollars and thirteen cents."

Lanny was superstitious about the number thirteen-and normally he would have ordered something else just to change the total-but he was flustered by all the golden crosses and quickly forked over the money.

The cashier girl handed Lanny his change. "Enjoy your meal, Mr. P." she said.

Lanny looked at her with his head cocked funny. "My name is not Mr. P. My last name starts with an H."

Counter Girl smiled politely. "Today we're referring to you as Mr. P."

Even more confused, Lanny shook his head, picked up his tray, and sat in the far left corner, next to the window. He felt like he was being watched, so he munched his fish sandwich and avoided eye contact with the fast-food workers. He was still eating, staring out the window at the traffic on I-285, when he noticed the billboard:

How Does It Feel to Be the Last One? -God

Nervously glancing around the restaurant, Lanny gobbled his cheeseburger before starting on his fries. Imagine his shock when he withdrew the first fry from the pouch and saw that it was curled into one long word, Pharisee. He frowned at the wordy potato and stuffed the entire thing into his mouth. Then he read the slogan on the cardboard pouch: "McScriptures-a new kind of french fry, pure as gospel."

Lanny tucked his fries into the bag, grabbed his Coke, and left his trash on the table for the smiling blonde to clean up. "I'm outta here," he mumbled to himself as he pushed open the glass door. Lanny was a self-professed pagan. Mannerly, sure, and usually a patient fellow, but he had wanted nothing to do with religion ever since eighth grade, ever since he'd found out that his neighbor, an associate pastor, had been convicted of trafficking drugs and adult magazines. That summer Lanny had made up his mind to use Sundays for golf. He would be a low-handicap pagan.

Perhaps that's why Counter Girl referred to me as Mr. P., he thought as he climbed into his truck. How ironic. But I'm still ticked about the gas thing.

Traffic was horrible, and Lanny grew frustrated at the congestion, even more so when he reached the on-ramp to I-285 to south Atlanta. No one would let him merge. Here traffic was worse than bumper to bumper; it was religious bumper sticker to religious bumper sticker. They were all reading each other's spiritual platitudes and giving each other the thumbs up.

In contrast, Lanny's only bumper sticker read "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep."

Miranda put it there. She read novels on Sundays while Lanny played his golf.

Annoyed at what the day had wrought, Lanny waited for someone, anyone, to let him merge onto crowded I-285. But everyone ignored him, so he called Miranda's cell, hoping to reach her before she boarded her flight from Orlando. He wondered if she, too, was experiencing the religious weirdness in the South today. There was no answer, so he tried her work number. That number went unanswered, so he called her cell again and left a message for her to call him as soon as possible.

The temperature was already near one hundred degrees, and Lanny turned his AC on high. Still no one would let him merge. Not the SUVs, not the minivans, not even the redhead in the silver Audi. Her bumper sticker read "Traffic Is My Mission Field."

But the redhead would not look his way, even though Lanny was motioning for her to lower her window so that he could ask her what was going on today in Hotlanta. He hoped the religious weirdness was a regional thing. In fact, he almost prayed that it was a regional thing, but then he remembered that he never prayed to anything but his golf clubs, which he tended to slice.

So Lanny sat waiting to merge, fiddling with the radio and eating his McScripture fries. He thought they tasted very much like regular fries, only with less salt.

Lanny had installed satellite radio in his vehicle and figured his best move now was to tune in to a station out of L.A. It was his favorite, as their mix of oldies and modern rock suited his worldview just fine. So he tuned to the station and increased the volume, only to hear the Beatles singing their greatest hit, "I Wanna Hold YourTithe."

Lanny slammed his fist into his seat. Someone is even changing the song lyrics, he thought to himself. That's sacred territory. Minutes later a little old lady in a Volkswagen Bus honked, waved a brochure that read "Repent of Bingo," and allowed Lanny to merge.

He waved with no sincerity at all, then tried Miranda again on the cell phone.

But again he got no answer. Maybe she's already on the plane. He tried her parents in Cocoa Beach-where they'd retired and where she'd been visiting.

Again, no answer. He tried Miranda's sister, Carla, in Augusta. No luck there, either.

His father and mother had passed away two and four years earlier, respectively, so the next closest persons he thought about were his golf and poker buddies.

He tried all five of them. Nothing.

Rolling along on congested I-285, sandwiched between zealots, Lanny felt very alone. In fact, he was beginning to feel like the lone yellow M&M in a bag full of reds. But not quite like that, since feeling alone in the world is much worse than being a solitary piece of chocolate, which has no feelings at all, even when it melts in your mouth instead of your hand.

The smaller shock to Lanny was that religious people seemed to be the only ones inhabiting the state of Georgia. The real shocker to him-it was more like a revolving question-was, where had everyone else gone? Who had taken these people? And how did he-or she? it?-manage this?

Lanny's thoughts ran wild. They ran in circles. They even ran all the way back to his childhood, when he had sat in the back during Sunday school.

Surely there's no such thing as a reverse rapture? Is there? Did I miss that part?

Surprise, surprise.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from A Pagan's Nightmare by Ray Blackston Copyright © 2006 by Charles "Ray" Blackston. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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