Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

by Ian Kerner


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Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner

Avoid the booty call blues and get the love—and sex­—you deserve!

You’re not that into him, but . . . You slept with him anyway • You’re dating him in the meantime • All your friends are getting married • There are no good men left

Stop lowering your standards and start reaching for love!

The world is full of sensational women, but in today’s market there are too few good men to go around (or so it appears). In this smash national bestseller, Dr. Ian Kerner, sex therapist, explores the battlefield of sex, hookups, go-nowhere relationships, and the dismal dating treadmill—arming women with a sharper set of insights and the tools for change. With humor and sincerity, Kerner shows women how to break the cycle of dating defeat and use the power of sex to find love—with a great guy who is into you.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780060834067
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 04/25/2006
Edition description: REPRINT
Pages: 192
Sales rank: 1,030,453
Product dimensions: 5.34(w) x 8.16(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books. He contributes regularly to Today and lives in New York City with his wife and two young sons.

Read an Excerpt

Be Honest-You're Not That Into Him Either

Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve
By Ian Kerner

Regan Books

ISBN: 0-06-081740-2

Chapter One

You're Not That Into Him Either, But You Slept With Him Anyway

"Didn't your mother tell you that sex leads to things like dating?" - Frasier Crane to Roz in an episode of Frasier

Sex happens. It's out there, everywhere, and you probably don't have to look that hard to find it. Thanks to the Internet, you can even look for sex (or socks, or both at the same time) from the comfort of your own home. Yes, women today have more sexual freedom than ever before, and a lot of you are taking advantage of this right. You are sensual, confident, openminded, and prepared to go after what you want. And these instincts are not at odds with finding a man who will adore you.

And in the best-case scenario, you may be having all this sex with a guy you really like and who likes you. If so, I hope you're screwing like it's prom night and falling madly in love! But this is not always the situation. Most of you are single or in that chaotic limbo state of existence we call "dating." But still you find yourself horny, or lonely, or in between boyfriends.

So, what are your choices? Well, there's always Nick at Nite or your friendly neighborhood Rabbit but both of those get tiring, and after a while even the idea of a fresh set of Duracells starts to lose its luster. So, you call an ex or you go on a date and you meet a guy and soon enough you're sleeping with someone you know you are not really that into.

Men do this all the time, of course, because, well, they're men. But women can do it as well, and it can be exciting and perhaps even satisfying so long as you're being honest about your motivations and what you're getting (or, more likely, not getting) out of the bargain.

The Horny Girl

"It sounds like a cliché, but I have needs as well. I get horny and I need to deal with it. And even when I know it's not the perfect situation, I sleep with guys I know I'm not into. Is it love? No. But at least it's another body." - Karen, 33, advertising, Denver

Karen's situation is quite common. I hear stories like hers all the time in my work. Female desire, from a purely physiological point of view, often outpaces that of males.

Why? Well, as Hugh Hefner knows all too well, the female body is built for sex. A woman is like a sleek, turbocharged Maserati compared to her male Yugo counterpart. And what is the engine that drives this pimped-out ride? The clitoris, which has no purpose other than sexual pleasure. It comes factory-built with twice as many nerve endings as the male penis (about eight thousand in total), an enviable anatomical reality that gives rise to multiple orgasms. (Viva la vulva!)

While guys are at their sexual best at about the time they can begin voting, women peak between their late twenties and early forties (among other proof points, women in their "sexual prime" report an increase in orgasms at these ages). While some of this can be attributed to hormonal changes, one major factor seems to be social conditioning. As women gain experience and self-confidence, they begin to feel more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. This in turn leads them to embrace erotic exploration as they discover their deeper sexual selves.

It's your world, ladies; we men just write books telling you how best to have sex in it.

Booty Call Nation

"I knew Mark from my old job, and while I thought he was cute, he was just not relationship material. We met for a drink one night, and one thing led to another. And because I knew him, it felt sort of secure, and he became a fuck buddy - nothing more. Men can do it, so why can't we?" - Cathy, 33, music industry executive, Los Angeles

Cathy's point is well taken. Not only does the current culture permit it, casual sex is encouraged these days. But when did the ball drop? While casual sex has been in existence since the beginning of time (remember Adam and Eve? the Roman orgies?), its genesis as an American cultural movement is often linked with the introduction of the birth control pill in the early 1960s, which helped catalyze the movement for sexual liberation. Women began embracing the power of their sexuality, and the feminist movement was as much about the right to proclaim pleasure as it was about equality elsewhere. No more would women accept sexless marriages and Victorian repression. (The vibrator was actually invented as a way of dealing with "female hysteria," which is what the Victorian medical establishment labeled female sexuality back then.)

The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course.

Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them unprecedented financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and the City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: a woman's ability to have sex like a man: pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

And, like Carrie and her cronies, a lot of women today find themselves sleeping with guys they were never really that into to begin with. Again, this world of booty calls and onenight stands is a fine state of affairs if you're getting something out of the deal. Just be aware of what that something is. Sex is more than just an accessory in your wardrobe - a sheer Cosabella thong to be effortlessly slipped off before jumping into bed.

The Lonely Heart/The Breakup Girl/ The In-Betweener

"I guess I was looking for something that would take my mind off things. I figured sex might help." - Marie, 34, dental hygienist, Cleveland

Sometimes it is more than just a pure desire for sex that leads you to sleep with someone you are not that into. Sometimes you're just feeling lonely or in the throes of a recent breakup. Can sex help you get over someone else? Perhaps, though it can also make things worse. Can casual sex be a positive thing while you are waiting around for the love of your life to appear? Sure, as long as the casual sex is not keeping you from finding him or leaving you to confuse the in-betweener for the real thing.

Women sleep with men for a variety of reasons that have little to do with their libido. If you're aware of this, great. Go for it. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences that may arise. But if you're looking to repair your self-esteem or exorcise the ghosts of boyfriends past through casual sex, you're probably setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Giving Men What They Want

"A dating world where I can meet attractive, smart women who are sexually aware and who will sleep with me even though they don't really want a relationship? Let me check. Ya, I think I might be able to deal with that." - Adam, 32, lawyer, Birmingham (Michigan)


Excerpted from Be Honest-You're Not That Into Him Either by Ian Kerner Excerpted by permission.
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Customer Reviews

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Be Honest--You're Not That into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve 4.1 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 15 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Excellent & practical advice I wish my Marriage & Family Therapy degree covered.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very informative, witty, provacative look into the world of dating. With very useful and helpful information and insight. I highly recommend this book.
Guest More than 1 year ago
It helped me gain perspective and the author's tone was very honest and conversational and unpretentious. The book is very helpful who want to be in ongoing committed relationships and are tired of just hooking up.
Guest More than 1 year ago
start thinking about what's happening in yours. I was an early adopter of Kerner's first book, She Comes First, and I had no problem giving it to my boyfriend and getting better satisfaction. That was then, this is now...I'm single and bummed and Kerner's book was just what I needed to hit the spot!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
I thought this book was extremely worth my time. I could not recommend this book more to all of my friends as a reminder of how we have to stop lowering our standards hoping that one day all the frogs you are dating will turn into a prince. I picked up this book at barnes and noble and couldn't put it down. I'm not that into 'self help' books, but if you are feeling heartbroken or wondering why guys don't return your phone calls then READ THIS BOOK!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Not as good as some books on dating and romance by far, but what it does do is very reminds you to value yourself and what you're looking for. It's not telling you anything you don't already know deep down (ala you just weren't into hime either!) but it's a friendly kick in the butt to ask you why you're still hanging around hoping he'll 'get into you' knowing you don't even really want him permanently. I needed that reminder so I appreciated this book and would recommend it.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Finally, a book that empowers me and reminds me that I don't need to settle for less. Ladies, please read this book! We all need to realize how special we are. If a man makes you feel bad about yourself, then get rid of him. No man should ever dictate your happiness, and this book helps you to remember that.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This was one of the best books I have ever read! I just couldn¿t put it down, in fact I read it three times back to back and still keep it on my night stand table for quick reference and encouragement. Let¿s face it girls, dating and casual relationships can be a lot of fun but, you must know what you¿re doing to be able to navigate through it all to remain healthy and optimistic. Ian really puts it in modern and realistic terms so you can obtain what you deserve.
Guest More than 1 year ago
It's obvious this was a takeoff on the other book which had advice plus humor. This is the advice without the funny. It's all okay, just not spectacular. If you like Self-Help books, it works... but chick lit is more fun.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Brilliant! I feel like Dr. Kerner has been secretly following me around my whole life--I recognized so much of myself in this insightful book! Well-written and funny, it's like a best friend staging an intervention to my loser-magnet antics. More than anything, I appreciate this book for inspiring me and giving me new hope. A reformed self-help book junkie, this book was worth falling-off-the-wagon for. Recommended reading for every woman.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The first book only said one thing: tough luck, he's not into you. It didn't even attempt to offer any practical advice, it just kept saying over and over and over HE'S NOT INTO YOU until I wanted to hide under a rock, i just felt so beaten up. i get it, i get, he's not into me. that's the easy part. the hard part is figuring out why and what to do about it, and while this book only touches on many of the issues, it at least attempts to offer guidance and advice in a practical way. After being punched over and over again in the gut by He's Just Not That Into You, this book helped me get up off the floow.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I don't 'feel pressure' to enjoy sexual pursuits as the author states -- I do so because I am truly liberated. I see the value of a trusting devoted relationship but I am not driven by some deep biological imperative. This is the same old stuff that used to limit women in the past. Sure, if you want a traditional relationship, this will be helpful, but not all women WANT that. I wish someone would actually write a book about how some women TRULY want their freedom. Ugh!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book was less than helpful is an understatement. Trying to go off his popular He's not that into you fame, which was only guided because of Oprah and it was featured in Sex and the City (and most of us men and I am a professional reviewer don't think that way). This book takes what a man knows of a woman, which is nothing and tries to make it sound like he's a famed psychologist. Terrible book. Don't waste your time or money.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I found this book to be less then helpful. After reading 'He's just not that into you', this book had no answers, reasons, nor valuable models of examples to go by. I found the book to be drawn out like a bad movie never getting to the point. There was a lot of mumble jumble in words and subject matter yet no truth or final resolution. In other words a lot of beating around the bush writing in essay format that keep dragging out with no conclusion or final outlook. I feel this book was a bad play on a popular book to get in the game, but not even close to being what it could have been if the author had only taken the time instead of throwing it out to get it sold on the name.