Beautiful Nate: A Memoir of a Family's Love, a Life Lost, and Heaven's Promises

by Dennis Mansfield

Overview

HOPE and COMPASSION for FAMILIES

Beautiful Nate offers valuable insights into what went wrong in a dedicated Christian family and how things might have gone differently—giving parents direction for raising their own children in a troubled world. Exploring the differences between fear-based parenting, child-centered parenting, and healthy intentional parenting, author Dennis Mansfield shares hard-earned wisdom and powerful ideas on what children need. Whether you’re in the midst of parenting small children or have experienced the heartbreak of a child gone astray, you’ll find guidance and hope for your journey in this poignant, real-life story.

***

Even when you follow all the rules, LIFE CAN GO VERY WRONG. . .

Dennis Mansfield and his wife Susan planned for and expected every parent’s dream but instead lived every parent’s nightmare. This haunting memoir tells the story of a father who diligently followed all the parenting rules that he learned from conservative Christian “experts”; yet life with his son Nate went terribly wrong when the young man died at twenty-seven of drug-related causes. It wasn’t that the principles Dennis followed were faulty; it was that the promised guarantee turned out to be void.

The author, a national leader in the pro-family movement of the 1990s, reveals what did and did not work in raising a child within the evangelical framework. But rather than losing his faith and abandoning the God he’d trusted, Dennis eventually found new joy and purpose—with a more compassionate and realistic view of the roles parents play and the rules they follow.

As you read this sobering yet refreshing account, you will find direction for your own parenting style and encouragement after life’s disappointments. midst of parenting small children or have experienced the heartbreak of a child gone astray, you’ll find guidance and hope for your journey in this poignant, real-life story.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781451678611
Publisher:	Howard Books
Publication date:	01/10/2015
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Dennis Mansfield helped lead the fight for traditional family values for almost two decades while working in association with Focus on the Family, the Family Research Council, and the Promise Keepers movement. In 2009 he helped form 8:4 Pictures, where he writes and works as an executive producer.

Read an Excerpt

Beautiful Nate

It was a pre-spring day like so many we’d experienced in lovely Boise, Idaho. The snow was melting, and green tulip bulbs were quietly sending leaf shoots on their way through the thawing earth. Like in so many other cold-weather states, sand or salt is often used as a slide inhibitor for the spots of sheer ice that you can see and the black ice that you cannot. As I walked from our home to my car in the driveway, I heard the soft crunch, crunch, crunch of sand underfoot. Once at work, walking from the parked car to the office, the same sound greeted my ears. It was just the normal sound of a normal close-of-winter day in our life. The calendar marked the day as March 11, 2009.

I’m a self-employed businessman; I almost always have been. In 2006, my business partner and I developed a new firm that housed ex-addicts and ex-inmates after they had completed their time in jail or prison. In the parlance of the industry, these houses are called “staffed, safe, and sober homes”; each normally has from five to twelve men or women. It’s an unusual business and one that neither of us ever anticipated owning. Nonetheless, as businessmen, we saw a need to help ex-addicts, and we met that need with the tools and resources available to us. Both of us had sons who had brushes with the law due to drug abuse. Though our sons could not benefit personally from the houses that we developed (due to conflict of interest), as partners and fathers we saw how we could help other parents as they struggled with their sons and daughters in jail and in prison. Others joined us in putting time, treasure, and talent into this endeavor.

My wife, Susan, and I have three children: firstborn Nate; our second born, our daughter, Meg; and our caboose boy, Colin. We had an intentional, planned, and purposeful family. The kids grew up in a family environment of faith, fun, adventure, and travel. We often combined these elements and traveled across the globe, helping on foreign missions, assisting others who simply did not have the advantages we had as a family. Throughout these global jaunts, we would all be amazed at the commonality of people—regardless of the nation of region in which they lived. Children were born to parents, lived with them until maturity, and then went off to start their own lives. In the end, no matter what country, children became adults, parents passed away, and children buried their parents. This was the expected way to experience life.

On that date in March 2009, I left the office and went home to have lunch with my third child, Colin, then a homeschooled high school junior. Colin was attending a co-op school for home-educated kids, a school that brought students together twice a week in class and then allowed them to learn on their own for the other three days a week. On this day, my son was home working on math problems. Susan and our adult married daughter, Meg, were back at my office having their regular weekly Bible-study lunch with other women, including female ex-inmates. They came together once a week to mentor ex-addict women from a biblical perspective. Scripture was used as well as books from well-known female authors. The ex-inmates were treated with respect, honor, and dignity. Since the study was always held at lunchtime, food was provided, with special salads and hot dishes prepared by the nonaddict women attendees. Laughter and joy were always present, as were frequent tears.

As I walked through the door of my house, my cell phone rang. It was Meg. “Dad, come back to the office immediately. We just got a call from Missouri. There’s a problem with Nate.” The silence behind the phone call was deafening. If there were sounds of women laughing or talking, I did not hear them. The call from my daughter was forcefully factual, straightforward, and crystal clear: “Come now.”

There was a different tone in her voice than there had ever been during the previous ten years of dealing with her older brother’s drug addiction. I hung up and turned to Colin. “Nate’s in trouble again. Would you like to go with me to our office and find out what’s going on?” My youngest son paused, thought about it, and nodded. We headed out our front door and heard the crunch of snow-mixed sand under our feet as we walked on the icy driveway to our family car.

We drove the two miles from our home to what was then our family’s company office in complete and unusual silence, as if the Lord were preparing us for some very difficult times. As we got out of the car, we both looked slowly around the very normal outside comings and goings, similar to any office complex on any ordinary day, and then walked toward the entrance. Each step’s crunch of sandy salt on the sidewalk seemed to carry with it a preamble of the gritty brokenness that awaited us.

As I opened the door, I heard the Lord quietly say to my spirit, “Your life will never be the same once you open that door, but it will be all right.”

I walked in, turned the corner to my left, and saw my bride, Susan, sitting in a high-backed conference table chair next to our daughter and surrounded by their friends from the Bible-study lunch.

She was sobbing with tears I had never seen before. Susan looked up at me and said almost in a whisper, “Nate’s gone. He’s dead.”

Emotions buckled my knees, and even as a man of faith, I fell sobbing and moaning against the back of a chair at that conference table. At twenty-seven years of age, our beautiful boy, Nate, was dead—apparently because of drugs.

I was a leader in the national profamily movement. I loved my son. What happened to our intentional, planned, and purposeful parenting?

My mind stopped. My heart nearly did as well.

How had our family come to this? I was a leader in the national profamily movement. I loved my son. What happened to our intentional, planned, and purposeful parenting?

All the family legislation and marriage conferences we worked on suddenly seemed to amount to nothing; all the homeschooling, all the summer vacation Bible schools, all our parental warnings of “the outside world,” and all the energy in constructing a godly Christian barrier to that world seemingly amounted to nothing.

Why had all our efforts not worked?

Table of Contents

Prologue xvii

Part 1 Building the "Perfect" Family

Chapter 1 Beautiful Nate 3

Chapter 2 Finding Love, Then Finding the Lord 7

Chapter 3 The Arrival of Children and Child-Centered Parenting 21

Chapter 4 Healthy Intentional Parenting 35

Chapter 5 Fear-Based Parenting 51

Chapter 6 Choosing Safe Friends 61

Chapter 7 Focus on the Family 71

Selah Rest: Parenting-Are We Done Yet? 85

Part 2 A Family in Crisis

Chapter 8 Politics 93

Chapter 9 The Dark World of Loss 101

Chapter 10 Incarceration 121

Chapter 11 Freedom 135

Chapter 12 Nate's New Life 157

Chapter 13 Heaven 163

Chapter 14 Death's Diamonds 169

Part 3 In Loving Memory of Nate

In Between: Nate's Final Pastor 185

Father's Day: A Note from Nate's Fiancée 209

Obituary: Nathan Dennis Mansfield, 1981-2009 213

Eulogy: Sending a Sofa On Ahead 217

Epilogue: Death's Diamonds 227

Acknowledgments 231

What People are Saying About This

Drs. Paul and Virginia Friesen

“Beautiful Nate is not a parenting book, but it will help you be a better parent. It is not a self-help book, but it will be helpful to you. It is not a theological treatise, but will help you wrestle with who God is. You will find yourself laughing at times, pondering often, and feeling tears as you live through life’s most cruel twists with Dennis and Susan. You will also see how God is meeting them, and in the process, I believe, you will meet God as well.”

Bobb Biehl

“Through Beautiful Nate, Dennis Mansfield’s very vulnerable faith journey, he teaches each of us this profoundly simple truth: soul-deep pain can be a great teacher forcing us to keep focused on our family and even more importantly, on our Lord.”

Tim D. Remington

“An experience with addiction close to home: it’s lonely, scary, and can drive a family apart…unless God comes into this equation. This book will educate you on the real life of addiction and the impact on a family and how God can heal what seems permanently shattered.”

Melody Green

“Nate was a beautiful young man, but like others his age he made some mistakes. In our precious times together, I was able to see Nate’s heart and understand his confusion. I grieve Nate’s untimely loss and believe the journey in this book will touch you—and bring hope to circumstances that are not often understandable.”

John Eldredge

“I’ve known Dennis for a long time and as a father I’m eager to read and learn what he has learned through such sorrow.”

Skip Hall

“Nate’s story, as told by his father, will captivate the reader and help change the lives of many as they read how this loving family is working its way through the most difficult challenge that any family can face—the loss of a child.”

David Ripley

“This story of two men, father and son, and their unfinished journeys, is a Pearl bought at great price. It is a powerful book that looks at real life against the backdrop of a Christianity often painted in unrealistic colors. Regardless of your deep loss or disappointment, this book will leave you with renewed hope in our Savior’s relentless pursuit.”

Randy Alcorn

“Dennis Mansfield tells a poignant heart-rending story of a Christian family where everything was supposed to turn out alright, but didn’t. Dennis’s honest soul-searching narrative serves to challenge some of the unrealistic expectations and false promises of formula-driven performance Christianity. Yet there remains a hopeful note throughout—a redemptive God whose story is not done.”

Tri Robinson

“Although Dennis Mansfield’s book Beautiful Nate tells the heart-rending narrative of a parent’s unrelenting love for his son who struggled with addiction, it does not deliver a message of despair, but rather one of authentic thanksgiving. This book conveys a gut-level honesty that though Christian in principle remains very non-religious. It is an encouragement for all that we would not accept rejection based on the behavior of a person – but instead to love and give thanks for the glimpses God provides which illuminate the depth of who they truly are.”

Bodie and Brock Thoene

“In Beautiful Nate, author Dennis Mansfield is painfully, brutally honest—about the life and death of his son, Nate, about grief and loss and failure—and still manages, convincingly, to point the reader to joy, hope, and fulfillment. It is about triumphing over grief and shedding crippling guilt. It is more than just a powerfully written book of remembrance and confession. Beautiful Nate is an affirmation of the faithfulness of Jesus.”

Editorial Reviews

I loved reading Beautiful Nate. It is very touching and compelling. So many of Dennis Mansfield’s observations are insightful. This book will be a great help to any family struggling to deal with the drug use of a child or the incarceration of a loved one.

Pat Nolan

"Beautiful Nate captures the deep friendship and love of a father and son, as well as the subsequent difficulty involved in having that adult son be addicted to drugs. It also captures the hope that springs from being intentional as a family. The vulnerability and honesty of things that did not work is refreshing in Dennis Mansfield's work. There are no formulas in child raising. There is only the love of Christ which then directs everyhing else. Beautiful Nate speaks candidly and openly about this truth."

Gary and Norma Smalley

Dennis and his family have been through “quite the journey”—every step paved with many tears, every step paved with God’s unyielding faithfulness. In this book, Beautiful Nate, Dennis takes you along with him on that journey, and there can be no doubt that your life will be richer for it. You will grow closer to your own family, discover new strength for your own life-journey, and more than anything, fall all the harder on God’s most amazing grace.

Bruce Marchiano

It’s a rare moment when a leader openly admits that he and his family are imperfect. With refreshing candor, Mansfield reveals the imperfection that is residing under his own roof. Transcending the “self-help” and “how-to” genres, Beautiful Nate is a vulnerable, courageous, real-life account of a family that is shaken to its core. Dennis Mansfield demonstrates that goodness – and love – can prevail through the worst of circumstances. For those of us who seek to better understand the ‘big things’ in life—things like family, leadership, and parenting—Beautiful Nate is required reading.

Austin Hill

Nate’s story, as told by his father, will captivate the reader and help change the lives of many as they read how this loving family is working its way through the most difficult challenge that any family can face—the loss of a child.

Skip Hall

This story of two men, father and son, and their unfinished journeys, is a Pearl bought at great price. It is a powerful book that looks at real life against the backdrop of a Christianity often painted in unrealistic colors. Regardless of your deep loss or disappointment, this book will leave you with renewed hope in our Savior’s relentless pursuit.

David Ripley

Nate was a beautiful young man, but like others his age he made some mistakes. In our precious times together, I was able to see Nate’s heart and understand his confusion. I grieve Nate’s untimely loss and believe the journey in this book will touch you—and bring hope to circumstances that are not often understandable.

Melody Green

In Beautiful Nate, author Dennis Mansfield is painfully, brutally honest—about the life and death of his son, Nate, about grief and loss and failure—and still manages, convincingly, to point the reader to joy, hope, and fulfillment. It is about triumphing over grief and shedding crippling guilt. It is more than just a powerfully written book of remembrance and confession. Beautiful Nate is an affirmation of the faithfulness of Jesus.

Bodie and Brock Thoene

Although Dennis Mansfield’s book Beautiful Nate tells the heart-rending narrative of a parent’s unrelenting love for his son who struggled with addiction, it does not deliver a message of despair, but rather one of authentic thanksgiving. This book conveys a gut-level honesty that though Christian in principle remains very non-religious. It is an encouragement for all that we would not accept rejection based on the behavior of a person – but instead to love and give thanks for the glimpses God provides which illuminate the depth of who they truly are.

Tri Robinson

Through Beautiful Nate, Dennis Mansfield’s very vulnerable faith journey, he teaches each of us this profoundly simple truth: soul-deep pain can be a great teacher forcing us to keep focused on our family and even more importantly, on our Lord.

Bobb Biehl

Beautiful Nate is not a parenting book, but it will help you be a better parent. It is not a self-help book, but it will be helpful to you. It is not a theological treatise, but will help you wrestle with who God is. You will find yourself laughing at times, pondering often, and feeling tears as you live through life’s most cruel twists with Dennis and Susan. You will also see how God is meeting them, and in the process, I believe, you will meet God as well.

Drs. Paul and Virginia Friesen

An experience with addiction close to home: it’s lonely, scary, and can drive a family apart…unless God comes into this equation. This book will educate you on the real life of addiction and the impact on a family and how God can heal what seems permanently shattered.

Pastor Tim D Remington

“Dennis Mansfield tells a poignant heart-rending story of a Christian family where everything was supposed to turn out alright, but didn’t. Dennis’s honest soul-searching narrative serves to challenge some of the unrealistic expectations and false promises of formula-driven performance Christianity. Yet there remains a hopeful note throughout—a redemptive God whose story is not done.

Randy Alcorn

I’ve known Dennis for a long time and as a father I’m eager to read and learn what he has learned through such sorrow.

John Eldredge

Beautiful Nate is not a parenting book, but it will help you be a better parent. It is not a self-help book, but it will be helpful to you. It is not a theological treatise, but will help you wrestle with who God is. You will find yourself laughing at times, pondering often, and feeling tears as you live through life’s most cruel twists with Dennis and Susan. You will also see how God is meeting them, and in the process, I believe, you will meet God as well.

Drs.Paul and Virginia Friesen

I’ve known Dennis for a long time and as a father I’m eager to read and learn what he has learned through such sorrow.”

“Dennis Mansfield tells a poignant heart-rending story of a Christian family where everything was supposed to turn out alright, but didn’t. Dennis’s honest soul-searching narrative serves to challenge some of the unrealistic expectations and false promises of formula-driven performance Christianity. Yet there remains a hopeful note throughout—a redemptive God whose story is not done.”

“An experience with addiction close to home: it’s lonely, scary, and can drive a family apart…unless God comes into this equation. This book will educate you on the real life of addiction and the impact on a family and how God can heal what seems permanently shattered.”

“Beautiful Nate is not a parenting book, but it will help you be a better parent. It is not a self-help book, but it will be helpful to you. It is not a theological treatise, but will help you wrestle with who God is. You will find yourself laughing at times, pondering often, and feeling tears as you live through life’s most cruel twists with Dennis and Susan. You will also see how God is meeting them, and in the process, I believe, you will meet God as well.”

“Through Beautiful Nate, Dennis Mansfield’s very vulnerable faith journey, he teaches each of us this profoundly simple truth: soul-deep pain can be a great teacher forcing us to keep focused on our family and even more importantly, on our Lord.”

“Although Dennis Mansfield’s book Beautiful Nate tells the heart-rending narrative of a parent’s unrelenting love for his son who struggled with addiction, it does not deliver a message of despair, but rather one of authentic thanksgiving. This book conveys a gut-level honesty that though Christian in principle remains very non-religious. It is an encouragement for all that we would not accept rejection based on the behavior of a person – but instead to love and give thanks for the glimpses God provides which illuminate the depth of who they truly are.”

“In Beautiful Nate, author Dennis Mansfield is painfully, brutally honest—about the life and death of his son, Nate, about grief and loss and failure—and still manages, convincingly, to point the reader to joy, hope, and fulfillment. It is about triumphing over grief and shedding crippling guilt. It is more than just a powerfully written book of remembrance and confession. Beautiful Nate is an affirmation of the faithfulness of Jesus.”

“Nate was a beautiful young man, but like others his age he made some mistakes. In our precious times together, I was able to see Nate’s heart and understand his confusion. I grieve Nate’s untimely loss and believe the journey in this book will touch you—and bring hope to circumstances that are not often understandable.”

“This story of two men, father and son, and their unfinished journeys, is a Pearl bought at great price. It is a powerful book that looks at real life against the backdrop of a Christianity often painted in unrealistic colors. Regardless of your deep loss or disappointment, this book will leave you with renewed hope in our Savior’s relentless pursuit.”

“Nate’s story, as told by his father, will captivate the reader and help change the lives of many as they read how this loving family is working its way through the most difficult challenge that any family can face—the loss of a child.

From the Publisher

Beautiful Nate is not a parenting book, but it will help you be a better parent. It is not a self-help book, but it will be helpful to you. It is not a theological treatise, but will help you wrestle with who God is. You will find yourself laughing at times, pondering often, and feeling tears as you live through life’s most cruel twists with Dennis and Susan. You will also see how God is meeting them, and in the process, I believe, you will meet God as well.

Doctor - Paul and Virginia Friesen

An experience with addiction close to home: it’s lonely, scary, and can drive a family apart…unless God comes into this equation. This book will educate you on the real life of addiction and the impact on a family and how God can heal what seems permanently shattered.

Pastor - Tim D Remington

An experience with addiction close to home: it’s lonely, scary, and can drive a family apart…unless God comes into this equation. This book will educate you on the real life of addiction and the impact on a family and how God can heal what seems permanently shattered.

Tim D. Remington

An evangelical activist's account of the troubled relationship between his family and his rebellious, drug-addicted son. Mansfield was determined not to make the same mistakes parenting his children that his own well-meaning but distant father made with him. When his first child, Nate, was born, he vowed to engage in the kind of "intentional parenting" that would help him acknowledge Nate's "personal worth and value" on a daily basis. He and his wife worked hard at creating what they believed was a happy life for Nate, which included bedtime stories, road trips and plenty of family celebrations. But what Mansfield didn't realize was that by being so child-focused and not letting Nate (and later, his two younger siblings) "own their feelings" during moments of conflict, he was unwittingly modeling selfish and self-centered behaviors to his children. This in turn manifested in such unwanted behaviors as vicious fights between Nate and his sister, who at times looked and sounded as though "they were auditioning for roles in Lord of the Flies." All three of Mansfield's children eventually learned to love God, but it was his eldest son who began to use drugs and challenge authority. Nate's descent into addiction led to run-ins with the law and, later, a felony conviction for drug possession. The greatest tragedy, though, came after his release. Just when Nate had made a commitment to changing his life, he died, a victim of prescription drug abuse. Mansfield takes much of the blame for what happened to his son, but as he does so, he also suggests that the child-centered approach to parenting endorsed by the Christian community may have been flawed. Candid and heartfelt, though at times penitential in tone.

Kirkus Reviews