The Big Book of Senior Moments: Humorous Jokes and Anecdotes as a Reminder That We All Forget
240
The Big Book of Senior Moments: Humorous Jokes and Anecdotes as a Reminder That We All Forget
240Hardcover
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Overview
Did you know that Albert Einstein once searched frantically for his misplaced train ticket because he couldn’t remember where he was going? Or that Marilyn Monroe forgot the same line through 52 takes during the filming of Some Like it Hot? Can you believe that Marlon Brando had to have his lines written on another actor’s forehead so he could get through a scene? If you have done something like this, don’t despair, for you are among other greats like Lincoln, Beethoven, Newton, Toscanini, and a whole assortment of presidents, poets, philosophers, popes, and Nobel Prize–winners. The Big Book of Senior Moments will be sure to bring a smile to friends and family alike. Don’t forget to pick up your copy today!
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781634503617 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Skyhorse |
| Publication date: | 10/20/2015 |
| Pages: | 240 |
| Sales rank: | 1,171,056 |
| Product dimensions: | 7.20(w) x 10.10(h) x 0.90(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Crime Does Not Pay, but Being a Bonehead Makes It More Interesting
People who need money seem to be overtaken by senior moments more than others, regardless of age. There is just something about the thought of a few quick bucks that puts the brain into idle and keeps it there. Sometimes it's not just the money, though. It also seems that being around law enforcement officials just brings out strong tendencies to do incredibly stupid things.
They'll Be There Soon
When a forty-year-old woman locked herself out of her Pittsburgh home, she sought help from the authorities.
First, she set her house on fire. Then she called 911, expecting the fire department to put out the fire and unlock her door. As planned, the fire department responded, but so did the police, who charged her with reckless endangerment.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Always Count Your Change
A man walked into a Louisiana convenience store, placed a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register. The clerk immediately complied, and the robber grabbed the cash and rushed out of the store. He left his $20 bill on the counter. Total amount of cash the intrepid robber got away with? $15.
"I always wanted to be somebody. I see now that I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin
Step One: Choose the Right Place to Rob
A Washington state man chose a gun shop for his inaugural armed robbery, beginning the first of series of seriously bad decisions. It would also be his last. The shop was crowded with customers and Washington is a state that allows concealed carrying of firearms. On his way into the shop, the would-be armed robber actually had to step around a police car parked in front, and the officer was inside having coffee with the owner. Our hero walked in, announced a hold up and fired a few wild shots before the police officer, the owner of the shop, and several customers returned fire. They did not miss.
Riding on a Pony
A trail of macaroni salad led police investigators in upstate New York to three suspected burglars.
Deputies near Rochester responded to a burglary at a local restaurant early one morning, after the owners reported their surveillance system and cash register were missing. The investigation led police to a hiking and biking path, where they found cash register parts, surveillance system parts, rubber gloves, loose change and "a steady trail of macaroni salad," according to a news release issued by the office.
"It was later discovered that the suspects stole a large bowl of macaroni salad, which they took turns eating, along their escape route," the statement read.
Nice If It Works
An eighty-six-year-old Japanese woman who allegedly carried on cashing her parents' pension for half a century after they died was arrested recently in Japan.
Mitsue Suzuki is believed to have collected more than 50 million yen over the last five decades for her parents, who both died in the 1960s.
"These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief ...'"
— Anonymous
Smart Ass
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in — only a few shelves and display racks were set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely, and rapped on the glass.
Then in a loud voice he asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
"I am so old that when I was young the Dead Sea was only sick." — George Burns
A Billion Here, A Billion There
A Florida man last year walked into the Jacksonville Bank of America and attempted to cash a check for $368,000,000,000.00.
Armed with his identification and fully expecting the check to be cashed, Waters was befuddled when he learned that the blank check that he bought from a homeless man called Tito was unusable.
When the tellers became suspicious, Waters explained that a homeless man by the name of Tito Watts had sold him the blank US Bank of Idaho check (which was issued in the nineties) for $100.
Tito told the man he can go ahead and cash the check for whatever amount his heart desires.
"Tito said the check was good for any amount I wanted to write it for. So blame Tito, not me. I'm as innocent as a schoolgirl," he told tellers.
Not wanting to go small and write a check for a few measly hundreds, thousands or millions — the man had his eyes set on becoming an instant billionaire. He even planned on opening a one-of-a-kind Italian restaurant with his imaginary billions.
So he made the check out to "cash" and headed to the bank with high hopes.
"It's always been my dream to own the best Italian restaurant on the earth," he later told the police.
But Really ...
After fifteen months on the lam and with his conscience weighing on him, a Swedish murder suspect decided to turn himself in to police officers. When he arrived at the police station shortly after 6 p.m., cops told him to go away — they were closed for the day. "Closed?" he shouted back at the police. "I'm suspected of murder and am a wanted man. You guys really want to get a hold of me." Obviously not as badly as he'd thought, because officers directed him to colleagues at another police station, who, they assured him, would be happy to arrest him.
"I was taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one."— Anonymous
Vote Early and Often
During one recent election a casino worker in Las Vegas was irked that people were not taking voter fraud more seriously. So she set out to prove that it was a real problem.
She was caught attempting to vote twice and arrested on charges of voter fraud.
"When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out." — Casey Stengel
Gun and Airports
A passenger who tried to bring a loaded gun onto a plane in Chicago had a great excuse. A wonderful try, but it didn't help.
He said he simply forgot he was packing heat.
The man was stopped by security and arrested at Chicago's Midway International Airport when they spotted a .38 caliber revolver, loaded with four live rounds, in the man's bag. Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agents noticed the gun's outline when his bag went through the X-ray machine. The twenty-three-year-old told TSA agents that he forgot the gun was in his bag.
He was arrested and charged with one felony count of boarding an aircraft with a weapon.
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."— Albert Einstein
Department of Redundancy Department
A twenty-seven-year-old Denver resident doubled his trouble.
After being convicted on theft charges — for stealing a GPS device — the man was fitted with an ankle monitor that allowed the court to track his whereabouts. He didn't let the tracking bracelet stop him from burglarizing fifteen houses while wearing it. While he allegedly made off with some nice hauls — one victim reported that $90,000 worth of goods had been stolen — his glory was short-lived. When he was arrested after one burglary, cops were able to use the GPS data from his ankle bracelet to tie him to the others. He was convicted and sent to another place where police know where he is: prison.
"It is a blessing to get old. It is a blessing to find the time to do the things, to read the books, to listen to the music ... I have nothing now but praise for my life." — Maurice Sendak
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
"Here is my biggest takeaway after sixty years on the planet: There is great value in being fearless. For too much of my life, I was too afraid, too frightened by it all. That fear is one of my biggest regrets."
— Diane Keaton
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
— Lucille Ball
Wisdom of the Ages
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, she reported. The doctor responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
Rule One: Recognize Talent
In an effort to help rehabilitate inmates, a prison in England offered adult education classes to its convicts.
One prisoner used his class time in an IT course to hack the prison's computer system. Why was this man incarcerated in the first place? Oh, yeah, for hacking computers.
"I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps." — Merri Brownworth
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."
— Bob Hope
Rest in Pieces
A New Hampshire woman who told police she dug up her father's grave in search of his "real will" but found only vodka and cigarettes was sentenced recently to one and a half years to three years in prison. She told police last year she dug up the grave "with respect" and her father "would be okay with it."
The fifty-three-year-old was one of four accused in the plan to open her father's vault, then rifle through his casket last in a scheme that a prosecutor compared to an Edgar Allan Poe story. Two pleaded guilty and one was acquitted.
Police said the woman felt she was shorted in her share of the inheritance after her father died in 2004. But no will was found in the casket.
A local paper reported that the judge in the case noted the smashed concrete vault that housed the coffin of Eddie Nash and the disturbed body found the next morning.
"The patrolman said the gravesite of Eddie Nash did not look right," Bornstein said. "That is the understatement of the century."
The remains have since been re-interred at the cemetery.
Second Chance Dummy
A twenty-year-old Chicago resident in court to apply for the city's "second chance program" related to a felony marijuana offense was arrested after court security officers found pot on him.
The young defendant was charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession after officers found 1.4 grams of marijuana in his pocket as he was going through security at the St. Charles courthouse, according to a sheriff's report.
"I forgot I had this in my pocket," he was quoted as telling officers.
Off to a Good Start
A newlywed bride was forced to retrieve her husband's rented tuxedo from the local jail after he was arrested shortly following their wedding ceremony.
Police say the groom was wanted on two domestic relations warrants and two traffic citations. Police were tipped off that the forty-two-year-old was getting married at a church near Allentown, Pennsylvania.
Officers made the arrest shortly after the groom said "I do." The groom was not allowed to stay for his wedding's reception, and his wife had to go to the Carbon County Prison to retrieve his rented tux.
The Perfect Wife
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year-old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive after dark!"
"Old age is clearly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."— Satchel Paige
Leave No Child Behind
Bring Your Child to Work Day is a time-honored tradition that allows children to experience the business world while watching their parents ply their trade. With that in mind, one father brought his young son along with him on a job.
His job happened to be robbing a pet expo. He was caught soon after, in part because of what he'd left behind — his son.
"A man growing old becomes a child again."
— Sophocles
Caregiving Child
"My parents and I were in a doctor's waiting room. We saw an old friend and talked with him and then went back to our seats. Mom (who is deaf) kept saying over and over REALLY loud, 'Wow, has he gained a lot of weight. Looks like he's really going downhill.' I couldn't make her stop, so I just died inside and smiled outside. I tried to say 'sorry' by osmosis to the dear man."
— From a Caregiving Child
"My 83-year-old mother is living with us now. We finally got her to go out and eat one night. We got our food, and she said LOUDLY, 'Well, no wonder you all never lose weight.' I wanted to crawl under the table."
— From a Caregiving Child
"My mother can't hear to follow conversation in a noisy environment, so she just sits quietly and doesn't participate. During a loud family get- together, my oldest son was pondering what he should get his best friend as a wedding gift. Out of the blue, my conservative mom yells loudly, 'CONDOMS!' The room went silent until we all bursting out laughing!"
— From a Caregiving Child
The Duke's Best Day
At high noon on a cold November day in 1974, sixty-seven-year-old John Wayne faced off with the staff of the Harvard Lampoon on the famous campus in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The students had issued their challenge by calling the beloved American icon a fraud. Wayne, who had his new movie McQ to promote, responded by saying he would be happy to show his film in the pseudo-intellectual swamps of Harvard Square. After the screening, without writers, the former USC footballer delivered a classic performance. When one smart young man asked where he got his phony toupee, Wayne insisted the hair was real. It wasn't his, but it was real. The appreciative underclassmen loved him and after the Q and A session, they all sat down to dinner. Later Wayne, who was suffering greatly from both gout and the after effects of lung cancer (sadly the Duke only had five years to live), said that day at Harvard was the best time he ever had.
A Wise Man, Or Just a Wise Guy
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. I have fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm eighty-five or ninety-two. I've lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save." — Will Rogers
Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
A nineteen-year-old man from College Station, Texas, was apparently goofing around with some friends when, somehow, he got his right hand caught in a set of handcuffs. The young man and his friends did not know how to remove them so they decided to visit the local police station to see if the cops might be able to set him free.
This would have been a good idea, if not for two things. First, the young man was wanted on an outstanding warrant for criminal mischief. Second, he had a small amount of marijuana in his front pocket when he walked into the police station.
"For somebody to come in with handcuffs, a warrant, and marijuana. In twenty-seven years this has never happened before," one officer told the local newspaper after booking the young man.
"The older I get the more things I gotta leave behind."— Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa
Check First
Christopher Lowcock was under house arrest in England on drug and weapons charges. To make sure he would not violate curfew, police attached an electronic tag to his leg. The problems for police started when the leg they attached the tag to was prosthetic. Lowcock simply took it off and headed out for a well-deserved night on the town.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." — Albert Einstein
Brotherly Love
A Pittsburgh man charged with attacking his brother with a baseball bat made bail, promising to return to court when his trial came around. But when that day came he was nowhere in sight, an absence that landed him on the Allegheny County Top 20 Most Wanted Fugitives List.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Big Book of Senior Moments"
by .
Copyright © 2015 Skyhorse Publishing, Inc..
Excerpted by permission of Skyhorse Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION,
CHAPTER ONE: CRIME DOES NOT PAY, BUT BEING A BONEHEAD MAKES IT MORE INTERESTING,
CHAPTER TWO: FAMOUS FORGETTERS,
CHAPTER THREE: SPORTS,
CHAPTER FOUR: SEX: LIFE IS SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED,
CHAPTER FIVE: AT THE GYM,
CHAPTER SIX: EPITAPHS AND FUNERALS: THE ULTIMATE SENIOR MOMENTS,
CHAPTER SEVEN: POLITICS,
CHAPTER EIGHT: INSPIRATIONS,
CHAPTER NINE: GOOD IDEAS GONE BAD,
CONCLUSION,
INDEX,