Read an Excerpt
THE PAIN AND THE ITCH
A PLAY
By BRUCE NORRIS NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY PRESS
Copyright © 2008 Bruce Norris
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-8101-2497-4
Chapter One ACT ONE
[Afternoon. January. Snow falls outside. KELLY and CLAY sit side by side on the sofa. CLAY holds the BABY. They both stare at MR. HADID, who holds his face in his hands and sobs quietly. This goes on for some time. Finally he speaks.]
MR. HADID: I am sorry.
CLAY [rapidly]: No.
KELLY [likewise]: Don't.
CLAY: It's okay.
KELLY: It is so okay.
clay: More than okay. You should feel absolutely-
KELLY: However you need to-however the feelings have to-I mean, it's loss, for God's sake-
CLAY: And that loss, the grief that arises from loss-it would be unnatural to try to suppress-
KELLY: You can't.
CLAY: You can't do that.
KELLY: It's harmful to do that.
CLAY: It is. No. What you're doing. It's the right thing, and an emotion, I mean, this is something we've been working on. The importance of honoring emotions in the moment that ... [To KELLY] What?
[KELLY is trying to stop him.]
What? I'm agreeing with you.
[She mouths some words to CLAY.]
[Quietly, to MR. HADID] I thought we were in agreement.
[MR. HADID wipes his eyes.]
MR. HADID: I am better now.
clay: But, what we wanted to say was-
[The BABY starts crying. Loud.]
Uh-oh. Hey now. Hey mister.
KELLY: I'll do it.
CLAY: Hey Mister Angry Face.
KELLY: Clay.
CLAY: I got him.
KELLY: Let me do it.
CLAY: Whatsamatter, Groucho? Hey Groucho Marx.
KELLY: Clay.
CLAY [laughing]: Ohhh, he's mad, isn't he? Look at that face! Grrrrrr!
KELLY: Would you let me do it?
CLAY: Heyyyyyy. Shhhhhhh.
KELLY: Please just give him to me.
CLAY [handing BABY over to KELLY]: He's stopping. He's stopping.
KELLY: Well, don't bounce him.
MR. HADID: Now I make him cry.
KELLY: No no no. Not you.
CLAY: I was only shushing him.
KELLY: We didn't mean you.
CLAY: No, he just gets a little hyper if he doesn't sleep through the night, but you should go ahead and ... [To the BABY] Huh? Feeling better now, huh? Yeah. [To KELLY] I wasn't bouncing.
KELLY: Jiggling, anyway.
[As they were talking, KAYLA has come downstairs, unnoticed. She picks up the TV remote and presses a button. The TV screen is filled with cartoons of clowns, and loud children's music fills the room. The BABY cries louder.]
CLAY [over the music, to KAYLA]: Sweetie?
KELLY: Honey?
CLAY: Kayla?
KELLY: Not now, sweetie.
CLAY: Later, okay?
KELLY: We can watch that later, is that okay?
CLAY: After the grown-ups are done.
[KAYLA switches off the set and calmly leaves the room.]
KELLY [to KAYLA, as she leaves]: Thank you, sweetie.
CLAY: That's very nice of you. Very polite.
KELLY: You're very thoughtful.
CLAY: Very considerate.
[She is gone. The BABY has stopped crying.]
MR. HADID: You were going to say.
KELLY: Yes.
CLAY: Yes. So. Okay. So the situation was: The day before. We're having breakfast.
KELLY: I had just started going back to the office again.
CLAY: It's the Tuesday before the holiday, and [re: the BABY] he had just been born and she's on her way in to the office in the morning and I'm making breakfast, I'm making eggs for Kayla.
KELLY: And Kayla goes Mommy, look.
CLAY: Shrieks and says it.
KELLY: And I look and there in her hand, right out of the bowl on the table-
CLAY: Kitchen table.
KELLY: This bowl has avocados in it and one of these avocados has been, what? Has been-?
CLAY: Let's just say gnawed.
KELLY: Gnawed on.
CLAY: Extensively gnawed upon.
KELLY: Right down to the pit, has been consumed. Something, some sort of-
CLAY: Non-human.
KELLY: Unless you know some human that bites into an avocado like it was an apple, all right? So, yes, some non-human creature has entered our house and is now feasting on our avocados.
CLAY: And of course the mind devises these scenarios.
KELLY: But the bottom line is, one: what sort of toothed creature are we dealing with, two: what is the point of entry, and three: where exactly is it now?
MR. HADID: Do you have a pet?
[Pause.]
KELLY [an uncomfortable subject]: Uhhhh ... no.
CLAY: No.
KELLY: No.
CLAY: No, we-
KELLY: No, although Kayla loves hamsters, about which I have said absolutely not.
CLAY: What with the allergies.
KELLY: No, Clay used to have a cat. But there's toxoplasmosis.
CLAY: From the litter box.
KELLY: First trimester, harms the fetus.
CLAY: Potentially.
KELLY: Can harm.
CLAY: It's not a certainty, but-
KELLY: It's a risk.
CLAY: A low risk.
KELLY: Not a risk I personally would want to take.
CLAY: Not that I'm questioning the decision because ultimately it is a life we're talking about and you have to ask yourself, do I give priority to a cat's life? Or to ... to ... to ...?
KELLY: To a human life.
CLAY: Right. Right. Right. So. Right. So, we made the decision. I made the decision.
KELLY: You can say "we."
CLAY: To have him killed.
KELLY [to MR. HADID]: Some people might say "put to sleep."
CLAY [laughing]: Well, I mean, he's not exactly sleeping, is he? He's dead, right? Chester is dead now and and and ...
KELLY: Clay.
CLAY: And we did it. Or rather, the vet, at our request.
KELLY [to MR. HADID]: He was euthanized.
CLAY: So, no. We don't have pets.
KELLY: But if you see this on your kitchen table. Your child sees it. Touches it. And admittedly, I am someone who tends to, on occasion-
CLAY: Overreact.
[KELLY silently stares straight ahead.]
Well, honey, I mean, [laughs] ... I mean, at least fixate.
KELLY [to MR. HADID]: We're being so rude. Can I get you something?
MR. HADID: I am fine.
KELLY: We have seltzer. Or iced tea.
CLAY [to KELLY]: Or those green tea things in the bottles.
KELLY: Or caffeine-free Diet Coke. Or with.
CLAY [to KELLY]: Or bottled water. Or tap water.
MR. HADID: I am fine.
[Uncomfortable pause.]
CLAY: It just means a lot to us that you would-
MR. HADID [interrupting]: Unless you have some apple juice?
KELLY: Oh! [To CLAY] Uhhhh ...?
CLAY [to KELLY]: Do we?
KELLY: No. Just. Well.
CLAY [to mr. hadid]: Not the good kind.
KELLY: We have, what is it, like, Mott's?
MR. HADID: It is apple juice?
KELLY: Yeah.
MR. HADID: I will have that, thank you.
[KELLY and CLAY both stand. KELLY exits to the kitchen, taking the baby. CLAY sits.]
CLAY [for lack of anything better to say]: I used to have a beard. Years ago. Seriously. My dad had a mustache. But on me, with the shape of my face, I always thought the full beard. Kelly, though, she ... didn't so much ... care for it. But I could grow another. One of these days.
[Pause.]
It's just, we want you to get an accurate picture of who we are. Which is so hard because you're tempted to fall back on clichés. Which is frustrating if you want someone to understand the things that motivate you. Or all of us. As a people.
[He laughs.]
Well. There you go. Sounds clichéd. No, what I mean is, that this society, our society, as a whole ... [Flailing] Okay. Once again. What does that mean? Society as a whole. I don't even know what that means. I can only talk about us. The things that motivate us, because-
MR. HADID [raises his hand]: Excuse me? I cannot stay terribly long.
CLAY: But ... the others are going to be here.
MR. HADID: I have a little time.
CLAY: Especially Mom.
MR. HADID: I have some time.
CLAY: And didn't you want the juice?
MR. HADID: Perhaps you could finish the story of the avocados.
CLAY: Exactly. Yes. So: that was Tuesday. Wednesday, I call the exterminator. And then, of course, it was Thursday, which was the holiday.
[Lights change. Snow stops. Evening. It is now Thanksgiving. Tasteful home entertainment music begins to play. KAYLA, now wearing a party dress, runs through the room, shrieking. She is being chased by KALINA. They exit out the other side as CASH enters from the kitchen.]
CASH: Why do you rule out a squirrel?
CLAY: No. They came. They looked everywhere. They said it's not.
CASH: The squirrel is a foraging animal.
CLAY: They said this is something that has an appetite for fruit. Which to them did not suggest a squirrel.
CASH: A fruit?
CLAY: Yes.
CASH: Avocado's a vegetable.
CLAY: The fruit of the avocado tree.
CASH: Tree?
CLAY: Yes.
CASH: Think it's a bush.
CLAY: And even if it was a squirrel.
CASH: Could've been nuts in the vicinity.
CLAY: Even if it was.
CASH: Squirrel comes around, he's foraging for nuts, gets distracted by the avocado- [cont'd.]
CLAY [overlapping]: It's not, but-
CASH [continuous]: ... he gets to that avocado pit, squirrel's thinking, hey, I just discovered the motherfucking Hope diamond of nuts.
[CAROL enters from the kitchen carrying a pretty tablecloth.]
CAROL: Clay, who is the actor, the one, you know, the one who does the narration for the nature shows?
CLAY: Uhhh, I don't know.
CAROL: The one with the baritone voice?
CLAY: I don't know.
CAROL: Because there was a nature show on the other night and it was all about squirrels.
CLAY: It's not a squirrel, all right? It's not.
CASH: Rodent of some kind.
CLAY: But even if. Still. That's a vector of disease. There's the droppings. There's fleas.
CASH: Avocado's a vegetable.
CLAY: There's lice. And I'd rather not have that around my children, okay?
CAROL [exiting to the kitchen]: Anyway, that man, the one I meant, with the baritone voice? Well, he narrated that show.
[Again, KAYLA runs through the room with KALINA chasing her. KAYLA is screaming with laughter.]
KALINA [to KAYLA]: I am going to get you!!! You not fast enough!! Ha! I will capture and torture you!!
[They almost crash into KELLY, who enters as they tear through the room. KELLY carries place settings.]
CLAY [calling after them]: Not too loud, sweetie. Your brother's still sleeping, okay?
KELLY [to CLAY, not CASH, whom she ignores]: I just wish you had called the other place. That's all I said.
CLAY: You asked me to call and I called. You didn't say-
KELLY: Of course they're cheaper if they use neurotoxins.
CLAY: You didn't specify. You just said call. You said handle it-
KELLY [overlapping]: Might as well spray Agent Orange on our children.
CLAY: -which I did, so don't act like I'm incompetent.
KELLY [searching in a closet]: Your mother needs that big salad bowl. And I did say specifically no glue traps.
CLAY: I took them out. I took them out.
KELLY [from inside]: I just don't think that allowing your daughter watch an animal writhe to a slow sadistic death in a puddle of glue is the best way to solve the problem.
CLAY: You know, if I happen to handle things my own way-
[KELLY, while digging through the closet, has removed a set of golf clubs.]
KELLY: Clay, you hired her. Can you explain to that woman the notion of a kitchen?
CLAY: Maybe she doesn't understand what you're saying.
KELLY: Well, then tomorrow we can hire a translator for the cleaning person. [Calling] Carol? I found it.
[KELLY exits.]
CASH: Hey Clay.
CLAY [calling after her]: But see, do I come to your office and criticize the way you do things?
CASH: Got yourself some golf clubs, I see.
CLAY [again]: If I'm the person here every second except three hours a week? Is that unreasonable?
[KELLY reenters holding the chewed-upon avocado.]
KELLY [in a lowered voice]: You do see this, right? You see teeth marks, all right? This isn't academic. It's about your children. So, at the moment? Whether or not you're reasonable? That actually isn't the topic right now.
[MR. HADID interrupts from across the room. Music stops. Lights change. Snow resumes.]
MR. HADID: May I ask a question?
CLAY: Oh. Sorry.
KELLY: Of course.
CLAY: Absolutely.
KELLY: Yes. Please. Anything that's not clear.
MR. HADID: I have seen these shoes.
CLAY: These what?
MR. HADID: The shoes you are wearing.
CLAY: I ... you mean me?
MR. HADID: Yes.
KELLY: Sorry. We're confused.
MR. HADID: The shoes on your feet.
CLAY [laughs]: Yeah?
MR. HADID: Do you know how much you pay for them?
KELLY: His shoes.
MR. HADID: I very much admire this style of shoe.
KELLY: Ohhhh.
CLAY [relieved]: Oh. Uhhhhh ... Wow. God, let me think. [To KELLY] Do you-?
KELLY: They're from that place.
MR. HADID: They were expensive?
CLAY: Oh, uhhhh ... well, except we usually wait for everything to go on sale.
KELLY: I'm one of those people with, like, a bargain obsession.
CLAY: So probably less than you think.
MR. HADID: But do you know how much? In dollars?
CLAY: Uhhhh ... gosh. [To KELLY] Do you ...?
KELLY: Uhh ... no, I don't. I ... hmm. No.
CLAY: They're definitely comfortable.
MR. HADID [politely]: I am sorry.
CLAY: No, no.
KELLY: We could possibly find out.
MR. HADID: At a more convenient time.
KELLY: We don't really keep those kind of receipts.
MR. HADID: No no. Please. Go on.
[Back to the previous moment: lights, music, etc.]
KELLY [brandishing the avocado]: So, at the moment? Whether or not you're reasonable? That actually isn't the topic right now.
CASH: Hey Clay.
[KELLY exits to the kitchen.]
Lemme take a look at your kid.
CLAY [to CASH]: Shhhh ... could you? A little? Do you mind?
CASH [re: KELLY]: She's not paying attention.
CLAY: I know. Just. Try to.
[CLAY turns down the music.]
CASH: What's the big deal?
CLAY: It's not a big deal.
CASH: Not a big deal to me.
CLAY: Me either.
CASH: Happy to.
CLAY: Thanks.
CASH: Just tell me when.
CLAY: Not yet, but-
CASH: Awaiting your signal.
CLAY: Maybe when they come upstairs.
CASH: Standing by, chief.
[Pause.]
CLAY: I mean, I just don't want it to seem like a big deal.
CASH: What, you mean to your wife?
CLAY: No.
CASH: I'm not gonna say anything.
CLAY: I know.
CASH: To Mom?
CLAY: No, I just-
CASH: I'm discreet.
CLAY: I mean to Kayla.
CASH: She scared of me?
CLAY: No.
CASH: You told her who I am.
CLAY: Yeah.
CASH: You said this is Uncle Cash.
CLAY: Yeah.
CASH: So how am I making it a big deal?
CLAY: You know how.
CASH: I do?
CLAY: Yes, you do.
CASH: I'm not sure I do.
CLAY: The way you are.
CASH: The way I am.
CLAY: The way you can be.
CASH: What way is that?
CLAY: You know.
CASH: Tell me what way.
CLAY: I think you know.
CASH: Say what you mean.
CLAY: The attitude.
CASH: My attitude.
CLAY: You know the attitude.
CASH: My professional attitude?
CLAY: General attitude.
CASH: So my personality.
CLAY: And I'd prefer it if you wouldn't.
CASH: Have the attitude.
CLAY: Today, anyway.
CASH: Because of the children.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from THE PAIN AND THE ITCH by BRUCE NORRIS
Copyright © 2008 by Bruce Norris. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
