Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
What is Betrayal?
"Betrayal is the only truth that sticks."
— Arthur Miller
Definitions and Explanations
I find that with my clients, as well as with myself, there is almost always a small degree of relief when I understand what I am feeling. When I can give a client a diagnosis, an explanation, a reason for why he/she is feeling the emotions or symptoms being experienced, there is a level of comfort that allows for further investigation and intervention. If we can define our pain, we can explain our feelings and not just feel like we are going crazy!
After researching specific definitions/explanations for betrayal and finding hundreds of interpretations as well as applications, I have decided for our discussion to narrow down the definitions/explanations into three categories. These three categories are based on my work with dozens of clients whose personal stories and their manifestations of betrayal seemed to lend themselves to one of the areas. Although there is some overlap in their respective explanations and implications, there is enough disparity among them to give each one attention.
As you read through them with me and learn about them, you may find that you can relate to more than one explanation. There is no problem with this. The important thing is that you can connect with at least one of them and that you have the opportunity to experience that what you have been feeling and/or are feeling is real. You will be able to say to yourself, "Yes, that is what I went through; that is how I felt; I now know why I am feeling the way I do!"
I also suggest at this point that you grab a notebook or journal. There are times where I encourage you to write down some thoughts and feelings. And, there might be moments where you need to unleash or unravel your emotions. Or, perhaps you may just want to note something for more investigation at a later time. In any case, have some writing materials ready for whatever the need may be.
Here are the three areas we will be investigating:
• An investment into someone or something met with rejection and/or abandonment
• A profound trust in someone or something which is profoundly violated
• A truth that becomes a lie/ a belief that is shattered
1. An investment met with rejection and/or abandonment
This area of betrayal is extremely common. As healthy human beings, it is natural for us to give and invest into our relationships, into our work, and into those arenas of life that bring us meaning and value. Some of us are taught at an early age that it is "better to give than to receive" or that "the reward is in the giving", and so on. There is certainly truth in these statements. However, when the investment is lost or when it is not received in the manner in which it was intended, we feel the pain of rejection or abandonment, or at the very least we do not feel appreciated. This wounds us because our intentions or actions become meaningless; we become valueless. And it is we, not they, who are left holding the bag of betrayal.
Several years ago, a couple came in to see me. Their marriage was on rocky ground. In years past, it had survived an affair, and now, the same issue had resurfaced. Although the female had every right to be angry with her unfaithful spouse, I sensed there was something more to her pain. I suggested that she and I spend some sessions together. Over a period of time, I learned that this woman lived under a blanket of betrayal. Each and every investment that she had made into those whom she cared about had been met with rejection and/or abandonment.
"My mom died when I was about ten. We were so close; she was my 'protector'. She was the only person who made me feel safe. I loved her and she left me ... My dad was an abusive alcoholic. As a little girl, and even now, I have always tried to please him. But I was never good enough, and I couldn't do anything right. When I tried to reach out to my siblings, they taunted and abused me — verbally and physically. I was even bullied at school because of my weight. When my dad remarried, I did everything possible to make my step-mom like me. She hated me, and I was forced to leave home as soon as I graduated from high school. When I married, I thought it would be 'forever'. I gave selflessly to him, to our children, and to our home. I thought I had finally found someone who loved me and cherished me, only to be discarded, again!"
This illustrates an extreme case of multiple betrayals — one that left the client with deeply embedded scars. The common denominator is that each betrayal involved her investment into someone, each one leaving her emotionally cheated and depleted. Although this client was layered with wounds of betrayal, she worked tirelessly on her recovery. Over a period of several months, she was able to experience a much needed level of healing.
With this definition of betrayal, there is no set time period required for the investment or for the feelings of rejection or abandonment to present themselves. The investment may be short or long term; it is quite individual. However, I tend to find that the longer the investment has transpired or been left unattended, the more severe the manifestations of betrayal, and thus, the recovery work may need to be longer or more in-depth.
It is important to point out that this explanation of betrayal includes the investment into something. This covers a myriad of meanings, but the one that I most commonly have addressed with clients involves their work or professions. Because most adults work in or outside of the home, there is opportunity to come face to face with betrayal. It spans the spectrum from being unappreciated, to being overlooked for a promotion, to outright being laid off, fired, demoted, or phased out! This kind of betrayal tends to wreak havoc on one's selfesteem and worth. Many times, its consequences are far-reaching, affecting families' financial security and their faith "in the system".
Several years ago, I worked with a client who recently had taken on a new position in a large prominent organization. Although we were working on a separate issue, he began to struggle with the dynamics of personalities within the organization. Although his evaluations over a significant period of time were superior, his work ethic and performance professional, and his product impeccable, he was abruptly asked to tender his resignation. This amazingly strong individual crumpled up in my office. This tower of strength fell before my very eyes. His endless hours of commitment, quality work, and perseverance were met with the reward of rejection. Pain was his only payoff.
Therefore, as you are reading through this explanation of betrayal, think not only of your investments in people, but also in any relationship or thing.
Other examples might also include:
• A romantic relationship
• A friendship
• A family relationship or dynamic
• A marriage or partnership
• A job, career, or profession
• An educational opportunity or position
• A personal ability, talent, or gift
• A business relationship or partnership
• An organization or group involving people of common interests, beliefs, or abilities
• A faith-based organization
• The death of someone or the demise of something
Before we leave this area of betrayal, I want to highlight two of the above examples because I witnessed so many clients struggle in these arenas, and their deep seated feelings of inadequacy were often dismissed or minimized by well-intentioned friends or family members. First, let's take a closer look at the personal ability, talent, or gift. Being a former high-school teacher where I worked with juniors and seniors applying to colleges as well as a therapist working with adolescents and teens, I was deeply moved by young vibrant students who had invested so much of themselves into their education, their sports, their theatre/ music, and so on, only to be gravely disappointed by college rejection letters or by talent scouts and the such. Some, at the very least, felt misled by the system; others felt outright crushed as they watched their dreams fade into the dust. Comments such as these are etched into my memory: "It was all a waste; why did I even bother; I would have been better off just enjoying high school more like most of my friends; instead, I gave all this up and for what?" This type of betrayal is so common, especially among young people, and it is devastating. Because they have spent so much time investing into their identity which has been shaped and transformed by their respective achievements (academics, athletics, talents/gifts), they internalize the rejection and suffer with deep wounds of self-doubt and lack of worth.
The other example that needs mentioning is that of investing into an organization or group involving people of common interests, beliefs, or abilities. To evolve and grow as human beings, many of us choose to belong, join, or support certain organizations. For the most part, these experiences can bring us much personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Selfless humans feel the intrinsic rewards as they serve in their respective places of worship, service clubs, and/or non-profit organizations. Others raise countless amounts of money through their charities and foundations of choice, and in turn, reach out to help thousands in need. Others give of their time, their influence, and their own personal resources with the sole motivation being improvement in the welfare of others. Although there are numerous implications of betrayal in this type of investment, it typically occurs when an investment into someone or something is not received with the same intention or spirit with which it was given. It is not honored as it was meant to be, causing injury and injustice for the investor.
Many years ago, I was working with several clients who attended a large church in our community. Each of them was an active member of the congregation who gave of his/her time and resources, each in their unique ways utilizing their respective talents and gifts. When a scandal occurred which led to the downfall of the pastor which then prompted an investigation into the business dealings of the church, each of these clients felt terribly betrayed. Their eagerness and willingness to serve, along with their varying venues of generosity, had been misused, mishandled, and misdirected. What shattered these clients the most was that they were misinformed; they were led to believe their investments were of a worthy nature, never thinking they would be treated as worthless by another.
Sadly, each of us can probably think of at least one person, if not ourselves, who has experienced this deep sting of betrayal. Because our intentions are of the purest nature and our investments are of such personal sacrifice, the absence of regard for them leaves us blindsided and bewildered.
As we leave this definition of betrayal, I would like you to spend a few moments thinking about your past and with experiences that may connect with this explanation.
• Was there someone or something where you freely and openly gave of yourself — emotionally, physically, intimately, sexually, financially, professionally, intellectually, and/or spiritually?
• Was that investment of yourself (your personal as well as external resources) met with rejection, abandonment, or utter disregard for the value of the giver?
• Were you left feeling bankrupt from the experience?
• Were you left broke and broken, navigating through a fog of shattered emotions?
Although it is hurtful to recall these memories, I encourage you, for now, to log this experience (and any others that connect with this explanation). Writing it down is a good idea (notating it in a journal or notebook). We will get back to it later in the activity section of the chapter.
2. A profound trust in someone or something that is profoundly violated
This second definition may seem, at first glance, all too similar to the first one. However, I have chosen to separate it from the first because I believe there are some significant differences. The premise from which we want to work from with this explanation is that one component of a healthy relationship is trust (but there are other components as well). Some believe that trust is the only basis of a relationship; without it, there is not much to build upon or that the two are entirely intertwined. For the purposes of this book and our study on betrayal, I am suggesting that we examine trust as a separate entity but with two important considerations.
Trust as an innate emotion
In some of our encounters, relationships, dynamics with people and things, trust is not a seed lying dormant in a relationship which is then nurtured, fostered, and matured by the development of the relationship. Instead, it is a natural innate emotion. It is a preconceived bond, an almost supernatural current within us and/or between us. This kind of trust comes with the entitlement shared by the title of the trustee and the trustor.
Let us take a look at an example of this kind of trust issue, and it will become clearer. Perhaps, you will be able to connect to this explanation, or perhaps you know someone who does. Some examples that I want to share with you cover extremely fragile and tender territory. Please know that this can be difficult for some readers. So take your time, pace yourself, and keep a pulse on your emotional responses. This area of betrayal carries with it deeply embedded wounds, ones that can be easily reopened and re-injured.
One of my areas of experience and competence in my work as a therapist is in the field of abuse, in particular, sexual abuse recovery. Tragically, this kind of abuse (as well as with other kinds) is frequently perpetrated by someone whom we trust — fully, completely, and most uniquely — innately. Fathers, mothers, step-parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles — our closest relations break that inbred bond of safety and security. They misuse and abuse the "entitlement" of trust bestowed upon them by their very title. This profound violation of trust is indescribable, immeasurable, and inconceivable; its tentacles of damage far-reaching.
The following vignette is all too common, all too tragic, and an example of violation at the purest level of entitled trust — a child and a parent. A young married mother of three small children came in to see me. Recently, she had been feeling anxious, irritable, and at times, rage-filled. Slowly and tenderly, we navigated through her childhood. Gingerly, we pulled down the blanket of betrayal to expose the wounds. As she unveiled her past, she dissolved into a mass of liquid pain.
"My stepfather was the only father I knew. He met and married my mom shortly after I was born. My biological father left my mom when she got pregnant. I loved my step-dad so much ... why would he hurt me ...? So many years of abuse — so many broken pieces. I was just a little girl — maybe seven or eight. I trusted him! I was scared! I didn't know what to do! He told me not to tell anyone — it was our secret! Now, look what that secret has done to me!"
As my client recalled and revisited her years of sexual abuse, there was even yet additional betrayal. As a teen, she was able to muster up the courage to tell her mom about the abuse, only to be shamed, blamed, and disclaimed. And not just by her own mother, but also but other family members who were told and who rallied around the stepfather, the perpetrator.
Where was trust? Where were the security blankets of childhood? Where were the safety nets of adolescence and teen years? Where was the protective provision endowed upon those who were responsible for her care and well-being?
Sadly, this kind of profound violation is also common in other inherent bonds of trust: a close family friend, a teacher, a coach, a person of faith/leadership, a therapist or counselor, or any person whose title or role lends itself to a position of non-refuted respect and responsibility.
Several years ago, a middle-aged couple came in to see me. Although there were some minor issues that needed attention, the male was clearly suffering in more intimate and personal ways. After many sessions working together individually, he shared his private pain.
"I was a little boy and she was a grown woman! A nun at the private school I attended!! She was to watch over me after school — to protect me, to make sure I was safe!! Years and years of using me as her toy — exploiting me in ways I did not understand! How could she when I was so young? Why? Why would someone like that want to hurt me? She ruined my life! I have left a trail of broken people, promises, and places wherever I go. I can't get rid of the shame, guilt, and at times, rage. I can't trust anyone — even myself...."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Breaking Through Betrayal"
by .
Copyright © 2016 Holli Kenley.
Excerpted by permission of Loving Healing Press, Inc..
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