But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship
222
But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship
222Paperback
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Overview
He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.
In this compassionate book, Joanna V. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety. With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781592858187 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Hazelden Publishing |
| Publication date: | 01/28/2010 |
| Pages: | 222 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d) |
About the Author
Table of Contents
Editor's Note xiii
Preface xv
Acknowledgments xix
Introduction 1
My Story 21
Chapter 1 Seeing Him as All-Powerful and the Center of My World 29
Yes, but ?
I Love Him 33
I Miss Him (or I Need Him) and Can't Live without Him 36
He Is Everything to Me 39
It Will Hurt to Leave Him 41
I Have to Do What He Wants or He Won't Love Me 43
I Have to Do What He Wants Sexually or He Won't Love Me (or He'll Find Someone Else) 45
I Have to Tell Him Everywhere I Go and What I Do So He Can Reach Me or He Shows Up Unexpectedly Because He Loves Me 47
If I Try to Leave, He Will Kill Me or My Children 49
If I Divorce Him He Will Take My Children from Me or Will Have the Children Alone for Visitation 51
He Is a Good Provider 53
Chapter 2 Denying and Minimizing His Behavior 55
Yes, but ?
He's Not All Bad or He Has a Really Sweet and Wonderful Side 58
We Have Had Some Good Times 60
He Only Yells at Me Because He Loves Me 61
My Children Need Their Father 63
He Doesn't Hurt the Children 66
He Doesn't Mean to Hit Me 68
At Least He Doesn't Hit Me 70
He Doesn't Lie to Me 73
At Least I Don't Have It as Bad as Others 75
He Must Love Me-He Gets Jealous When I Talk to or Spend Time with Other People 77
He Must Love Me-He Wants to Be with Me All the Time 79
It Doesn't Matter That I Quit Doing Things I Enjoy or That He Made Me Quit My Job 81
It Doesn't Matter What Other People Think or My Friends and Family Don't Understand 83
It Doesn't Matter What Names He Calls Me 85
It Doesn't Matter That He Insults My Religion, Race, or Ethnicity 87
It Doesn't Matter That He Flirts with Other Women 88
It Doesn't Matter That He Withholds Affection When He's Angry 89
He's Learned His Lesson by My Leaving-Now We Can Get Back Together and Everything Will Be Okay 90
This Can't Be Happening-I Am Not One of "Those Women" 92
Sooner or Later, He'll See What He's Doing and Stop 94
Chapter 3 Believing I Can Save Him 97
Yes, but
I Can Change Him 100
I Can Save Him 102
He Needs Me or He Can't Live without Me 104
I Have to Make This Work-I Don't Want to Be a Failure 107
I've Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship That Would Go to Waste 109
I've Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship-If I Leave, Someone Else Will Benefit from My Hard Work 112
Chapter 4 Sacrificing My Self 115
Yes, but ?
Lie Has Low Self-Esteem 119
I Don't Want to Hurt Him 120
Everyone Else in His Life Has Let Him Down-I Am All He Has 121
I Have to Stay or He Will Kill Himself 123
I Have to Forgive Him 124
I Must Stay, I Promised God 127
Chapter 5 Blaming Myself for His Behavior-Believing I Deserve It 131
Yes, but ?
If Only I Could Just Love Him Enough, He Would Change 135
If Only I Didn't Make Him Angry or Provoke Him 137
If Only I Were More Attractive/Thinner/Smarter/More Interesting/a Better Communicator/More Fun 138
I Made My Bed, Now I Have to Lie in It 140
I Never Do Anything Right-I Always Let Him Down/Disappoint Him/Say and Do the Wrong Thing/Blow It 142
Chapter 6 Blaming Outside Forces for His Behavior 145
Yes, but ?
If Only He Could Quit Drinking/Doing Drugs/Gambling/Having Affairs 148
If Only His Boss/Teacher/Coach Wouldn't Put Him Under So Much Stress 150
The Devil Made Him Do It 151
If Only My Family and Friends Would Treat Him Better or Be More Accepting and Accommodating 153
Chapter 7 Accepting Male Privilege 155
Yes, but ?
Men Should Make All the Decisions 159
Men Should Control All the Money and Property or Men Should Earn More Money Than Women 161
Men Have Fragile Egos 163
Men Don't Know How to Express Love or It's Just the Way Men Are 164
It's Okay for Him to Demand or Force Me to Have Sex 166
Chapter 8 Giving Up on Myself 167
Yes, but?
I Have No Choice of There's No Way Out or There's Nothing I Can Do 170
No One Else Will Ever Love Me or This Is Better Than Being Alone 173
At Least I Know What to Expect 176
At Least I'm Having Sex 178
It's Too Late to Start Over or I Can't Make It on My Own 180
No One Cares about Me Anyway 182
I'm a Stupid, Worthless Nothing 183
I Am Embarrassed and Ashamed to Be in This Situation 185
I Have Nowhere and No One to Turn To 186
I Can't Find a Job or I Have No Skills 187
I Can't Care for My Children 189
If I Try to Do Something, It May Backfire and Make the Situation Worse 190
Someone Else Will See What He Is Doing and Save Me 191
Appendix A
Educational Tools 193
What Is Abuse? 195
Profile of an Abuser 199
Cycle of Abuse 203
Chart of Coercion 205
Safety Planning 207
Appendix B
Additional Resources 213
Hotlines and Web Sites 215
Recommended Readings 217
Notes 221