Child Proof: Parenting by Faith, Not Formula

by Julie Lowe

Overview

As a freedom-over-formula parenting book for parents of all ages, Child Proof provides biblical insight and encouragement for readers who want to parent by faith. Julie Lowe uses Scripture and biblical wisdom to teach parents how to know their children and specifically love them with love of Christ.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781948130158
Publisher:	New Growth Press
Publication date:	06/01/2019
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.40(d)

About the Author

Julie Lowe, MA, is a faculty member at CCEF and a licensed professional counselor with nearly twenty years of counseling experience. Julie is also a registered play therapist and has developed a play therapy office at CCEF to better serve families, teens, and children. Julie is the author of Child Proof and Building Bridges, as well as the minibooks Helping Your Anxious Child and Teens and Suicide. Julie and her husband, Greg, have six children and serve as foster and adoptive parents.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Freedom vs. Formula

Bill and Amanda are the parents of three children, Matthew (age 4), Rachel (age 6), and Micah (age 14). They are both working parents, involved in church, and trying their best to juggle the business of life and family activities. Like many parents, they are looking for solutions to the problems that their children are experiencing. Micah is consumed with his phone and seems to be slowly withdrawing from family life. Rachel is anxious and struggles just to get on the morning bus, and Matthew is a typical high-energy child who wears his mother out with his constant movement.

Bill and Amanda came for counseling to find out what they could do to make their family "function normally." As we talked together about what "normal function" meant to them, we realized that they were looking for "the thing" they could do so that their kids would obey, not struggle, and be happy, decent young people. Surely, there is a right thing, a foolproof recipe for producing the results they are looking for?

I get it. I am like this with my children too. I want a formula for successful parenting. I want a parenting roadmap with directions (like my GPS) that tell me where to turn. And I definitely want the guarantee that my family will end up at the right destination. I don't want to have to struggle or wonder; just tell me the next step and I will take it.

Many parents are avid readers. I know I am. I want to get better at parenting, and reading a parenting book by an expert seems like a great way to get the family GPS I'm looking for. But I often struggle to apply what I have read to my own family and to the parenting my husband and I do. I notice in myself and in the parents I counsel the tendency to take what we read or hear and try to craft a one-size-fits-all approach to our children: Do these things and your family will function well. But all too often, we feel defeated, frustrated, and stuck when it seems that we've followed the rules, yet our children still struggle, appear unresponsive, and/or have challenging behaviors.

At that point, we can feel abandoned by God, discouraged, and frustrated. From there, it's easy to simply revert to our own ways, ways that seem right and natural to us. We move toward a parental pragmatism that justifies our bad reactions, our passivity, and a paralyzing defeatism. What we fail to see during those times is that we have not been abandoned by God as we have attempted to parent. The reality is that biblical truth and biblical principles are always at work and always offer hope and help. They remain true and effective even when we feel that our children are not responsive.

The place where we flounder is in our application of these biblical principles. We want someone to give us ten steps to apply the Bible to our family life, and we want it to work

NOW! But that is not how it works. Applying biblical principles and truth to your specific family (and mine) also requires biblical wisdom, the kind of wisdom that comes from God and is gentle, peaceable, full of mercy, and good fruit. From that wisdom we are promised a harvest of righteousness that brings peace (James 3:17–18). But it doesn't come through a formula.

How do we grow in biblical wisdom? It starts with knowing and loving God, and going to him for what we lack. God promises to give wisdom to those who seek it (James 1:5), and the wisdom he gives is tailor-made for our children and for us. It's a practical expression of what it means to love God and love others. The thing to remember is that, while the biblical principles remain universal and unchanging, the way they are applied in specific ways is unique to each family's personalities, gifts, difficulties, and circumstances. The way God has structured it, there is much more liberty in how we live out godly principles in marriage and family life than we often give ourselves.

Your Picture of the "Ideal" Family

What are some ways that we get in our own way when we try to live in biblical wisdom with our families? In my experience, it often starts with trying to fit our family into a preconceived mold. Perhaps you have a picture of the "ideal" family in your mind right now. (Most of us do.) Maybe the children are always respectful, the parents are always calm, and family devotions are deep and engaging. When you compare your family to that ideal, it's easy to feel defeated. Or perhaps your ideal family is more about accomplishments. The children get all "As," they excel at sports, and have lots of friends. We are all good at finding families that seem to have it way more together than we do.

But consider this: Is it possible that your picture of the ideal family is keeping you from understanding and loving your actual family in the ways God has in mind? Does your image of the ideal family help or hinder you to live out the two great commandments to love God and others (Matthew 22:37–40)?

When we start by wanting our families to fit a preconceived mold, it's a small step to begin looking for a parenting formula that will help us achieve that ideal. What are some of the parenting formulas you have encountered? As a counselor, I have interacted with many parents who were trying to make a child-rearing formula work for their family.

There always seems to be a new recipe for parenting success that guarantees that, if you follow it correctly, the result will be well-behaved, God-fearing young men and women.

Beyond Parenting Formulas

For example, years ago, there was a popular theory that parents should force their very young children into rigid schedules of eating and napping. The promised result was well-rounded, well-behaved children. But the best it could offer was highly structured homes. It was simply assumed that this structure was universally beneficial and the only correct way to parent.

As a result, many families tried to force their children into a formula that wasn't helpful for them. The idea wasn't completely bad; it was, in fact, beneficial to some families. The problem was that it was held up as "the only right way" to parent. A principle that worked well for some families became the model for all Christian parenting, and all were held to that standard.

Many parents felt like failures when this structure did not work for their family. Others felt frustrated because it forced them to parent outside their natural strengths and gifting, or it forced children who were wired differently into a mold that did not fit them. It did not make them calmer and better behaved; rather, it kept them from thriving according the way they were individually created.

That's what happens when we take something that is not an "essential" and make it a moral parenting imperative. Let's say that you are a parent who comes to life after 9:00 p.m. more effectively at that hour. You accomplish more around the house, and you and your spouse have more meaningful conversations with your children, who are also wired to enjoy late nights. Family life comes alive in the evening, and the house does not wake up till late morning (at least on weekends!). Contrast that with a family full of morning people, who cheerfully rise at the crack of dawn and go to bed by eight o'clock. Is one family more spiritually mature and godly because of their schedule? Or can we simply agree that they are just different? The truth is, wisdom and maturity are revealed in the way parents live their lives before the Lord and with their families — not in what time everyone goes to bed.

What about other parenting models that purport to depict the "ideal" family: the two-parent home where Dad works, Mom stays home to do the cooking and cleaning, and their two to three children all are smart, healthy, and struggle-free? Some families may conform to that ideal, but it is not the norm set forth in Scripture. In the Bible and in life, families are filled with individuals with differing gifts, aptitudes, hobbies, and skills.

They are best guided by biblical wisdom, not the latest formula. Biblical wisdom equips you to create a home that is attentive to the individual people God has placed within it, so that you can raise your children to follow the Lord, and you can all live together in a Christ-centered way.

Sometimes these models seem very appealing; that is, until we realize that our families cannot live up to them. For example, perhaps I have a certain preference or ideal when it comes to educating my children. But what if I have a child who cannot fit into that model? Maybe the child has a disability — or exceptional intellectual gifts — and this requires me to think outside the box when it comes to his education. Should I keep trying to force my child to fit into my old ideal or should I forego my old preference for the sake of my child? By shaping my choice according to the gifts and needs of my child, I am doing what is truly ideal and loving him well.

Clinging to a certain model of family life or the "ideal" Christian home can get in the way of truly loving the family you have been given. Consider how such models and formulas might impact people whose life circumstances make it impossible for them to conform to a particular ideal. What do you tell the widow or single parent who must fill the roles of both mom and dad? What do you do when life presents you with a less-than ideal family structure? Does that mean that a godly home life is not possible for you?

Consider parents who have physical or emotional limitations that prevent them from fulfilling a particular role in the home. Perhaps what they are capable of falls outside the norm we usually envision. What about a family where the father stays home or works part-time while the mother has a full-time career? What about the child with significant medical needs who requires a great deal of time and attention? How does a family structure home life to accommodate this? Consider the single adults who feel called to adopt or foster children: Are they outside God's best? Will their ability to form a biblical, loving environment always be inferior? As these examples demonstrate, you cannot come up with a simple, standard formula to fit every situation. One size cannot fit all, nor should it. Whether you are in a single parent or two-parent home, a commitment to follow the Lord and biblical wisdom is what should guide you.

These scenarios force us to evaluate our biases about what we believe makes an ideal family. Do I assume that a certain family structure or family size makes for a good home? Do I think a particular procedure, disciplinary method, or daily routine will automatically produce a good family?

The answer we need as parents is not a formula for our families. I believe we should be looking at something far more challenging. Instead of providing a parenting recipe, God calls parents to think biblically, wisely, and carefully about what love looks like in their unique family. This calling requires an absolute dependence on godly wisdom, on spiritual discernment regarding my family, and on personal holiness to be what my family needs me to be. The goal is a home centered on Christ.

This is not a formula I submit myself to, but neither is it a license to do whatever seems right in my own eyes. Far from it! Rather, it means a commitment to understanding Scripture's principles of godly relationships and the call and responsibility to lead a home.

God the Father as Our Model

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are" (1 John 3:1).

How do we know how to raise and love our children well? We look to the One who is our Father. What has God done for us? How does he demonstrate his love toward us? How does he handle our sins and our sufferings, our struggles and fears, our gifting and circumstances?

God describes himself as a father and us as his children. He models how we are to live in relationships in our families. God our Father is compassionate, gracious, steadfast in love, and slow to anger. This is how he describes himself from Exodus 34:6–7:

The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and on the children's children to the third and fourth generation."

God as father is faithful to his children. He is steadfast in his love toward us. His love for his children is long-suffering and persevering, an unfaltering commitment to our good despite circumstances.

Even in the midst of great grief and tragedy brought on by Israel's bad behavior, God demonstrates how he lives out his love to his people. In Lamentations 3:22, the author declares God's character: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Verses 32 and 33 go on to say, "Though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men."

Despite the suffering he endured, Job's words testify to God's specific, fatherly care: "You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit" (Job 10:12). We can believe that in the midst of our hardest moments, God is intimately aware and present. No matter the circumstances or the sufferings that befall us, God can be trusted. He is for us, looking out for our interests and directing our steps. Our confidence is in his character: he is a loving Father.

Envision your children having that kind of confidence in you and your steadfast love toward them; in your utter commitment to their good. What a wonderful goal — to grow as parents who love our children the way our heavenly Father loves us! Instead of a formula, that is a calling — our calling.

God's Personal Love

Our heavenly Father's love is not only faithful, kind, persevering, and steadfast, it is also personal. He does not treat us all the same. He meets us individually, he understands our hearts and motives, and he convicts, encourages, and shepherds us according to our needs.

Several years ago, our family experienced a house fire. It destroyed our home, everything we owned, and took the lives of all our pets. We each experienced the grief and loss in different ways. I noticed that one child became withdrawn. Another was outwardly angry; another wanted to talk about it all the time. I was deeply impacted in a multitude of ways while also trying to shepherd our children through the loss. We were cared for and blessed immensely by our church, work, friends, and community. In numerous ways, these things were evidence of God's care and kindness toward us through others. Then there were more personal moments when God met us; times when I was alone, hurting, and questioning, and God would bring verses to mind, songs on the radio, people who would call, write notes, and say just what only the Lord knew I needed to hear. What ministered to my husband, Greg, was different but equally meaningful.

As parents we needed to address each of our kids' suffering individually. One needed to be drawn out, cry, and know it was okay, that God cared about her suffering. Another talked about his fears and concerns that it might happen again. Another needed help to process his anger at God for allowing the fire to happen. There was no one-size-helps-all approach. God's Word, his character, and his truth did not change, but how we contextualized them to each person's suffering did. We were given the task of discerning where each child was struggling so that we could speak truth, comfort, and hope. We needed to model Christ's love and care to them in the midst of their personal grief.

We see God's individual care for his people throughout the Bible. He cares for Abraham and Sarah by providing them with a son in their old age, and by speaking into their individual doubt or confusion. He provides just the right bride for Isaac. Jacob, despite his lies and deceit, is still under God's specific care as God gives him a vision of heaven and wrestles him to the ground. In 1 Kings 19, God models this in the way he comes to Elijah. Elijah is running for his life. He is fearful and tired. God provides food and water for him, and then addresses him personally. He knows what Elijah needs and meets him there. God spoke into David's sin very powerfully and personally through a story and the prophet Nathan. God knew to send particular prophets to particular nations and cities to deliver personalized messages they needed to hear. We could go on and on!

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Child Proof"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Julie Lowe.
Excerpted by permission of New Growth Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Foreword ix

Acknowledgments xi

Introduction: When God Writes Your Story 1

Part I The Foundations for Parenting by Faith

Chapter 1 Freedom vs. Formula 8

Chapter 2 Christ-Centered Parenting 28

Chapter 3 Becoming an Expert on Your Family 43

Chapter 4 Parenting According to the Needs of Your Family 65

Chapter 5 When Rules Are Broken 79

Chapter 6 Building Bridges to Your Child 99

Part II Parenting by Faith Applied

Chapter 7 Parenting a Difficult Child 112

Chapter 8 Parenting an Anxious Child 118

Chapter 9 Parenting a Child with Disabilities 127

Chapter 10 When Your Child Says, "I Don't Know" 132

Chapter 11 When Your Child Says, "I Am Bored" 138

Chapter 12 When Your Child Isn't Thankful 143

Chapter 13 The Importance of Role Playing and Practice 147

Chapter 14 Technology and Your Child 152

Chapter 15 When Your Child Breaks Your Heart 157