Dad Is Fat

Dad Is Fat

by Jim Gaffigan

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Overview

Jim Gaffigan never imagined he would have his own kids.

Though he grew up in a large Irish-Catholic family, Jim was satisfied with the nomadic, nocturnal life of a standup comedian, and was content to be "that weird uncle who lives in an apartment by himself in New York that everyone in the family speculates about." But all that changed when he married and found out his wife, Jeannie "is someone who gets pregnant looking at babies."

Five kids later, the comedian whose riffs on everything from Hot Pockets to Jesus have scored millions of hits on YouTube, started to tweet about the mistakes and victories of his life as a dad. Those tweets struck such a chord that he soon passed the million followers mark. But it turns out 140 characters are not enough to express all the joys and horrors of life with five kids, so hes' now sharing it all in Dad Is Fat.

From new parents to empty nesters to Jim's twenty-something fans, everyone will recognize their own families in these hilarious takes on everything from cousins ("celebrities for little kids") to growing up in a big family ("I always assumed my father had six children so he could have a sufficient lawn crew") to changing diapers in the middle of the night ("like The Hurt Locker but much more dangerous") to bedtime (aka "Negotiating with Terrorists").

Dad is Fat is sharply observed, explosively funny, and a cry for help from a man who has realized he and his wife are outnumbered in their own home.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780385349079
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Publication date: 04/22/2014
Pages: 288
Sales rank: 56,543
Product dimensions: 5.10(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

JIM GAFFIGAN is a stand-up comedian and actor with numerous film, television, and stage credits. He lives in Manhattan with his wife, Jeannie, and their five children in a two-bedroom apartment.

Read an Excerpt

Letter to My Children

Dear Children,

I am your dad. The father of all five of you pale creatures. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you’d be interested in anything I’ve done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I’m kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I’m dead.

All right, you didn’t kill me. Your mother did. She kept getting pregnant! I don’t know how. Don’t think about it. It will give you the willies. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She was so fertile I didn’t even let her hold avocados. Anyway, this is a book all about what I observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013.

So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. By the way, I’m sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. Most of the pain is because that loud clapping thing actually hurts my hands.

You may be wondering how I wrote this book. From a very early age, you all instinctively knew I wasn’t that bright of a guy. Probably from all the times you had to correct me when I couldn’t read all the words in The Cat in the Hat. Hell, I find writing e‑mails a chore. (Thank you, spell-check!) I wrote this book with the help of many people, but mostly your mother. Your mother is not only the only woman I’ve ever loved, but also the funniest person I know. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Love,

Dad

P.S. How did you get that hula hoop into that restaurant Easter 2011?

Table of Contents

Contents
Foreword
Letter to My Children
Who’s Who in the Cast
Rue the Day
“Drinking the Kool-Aid”
Family-Friendly
Have Children: The Condition
Anti-Family
I Confess
Happy Days Are Here Again
The Pharaoh and the Slave
Vice President
My Dad, the Professional Wrestler
The Narcissist’s Guide to Babies and Toddlers
When Women Get Lazy
Oh My God, You’re Pregnant?
Witchcraft
Newbornland
Dogfight
Circumcision
The Invasion
Eat the Coleslaw!
Toddlerhood
The Evil Within
Secrets and Lies
A Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature
No Further Questions
Bring in da Noise
The People Who Live Under the Floor
Monsters
Nothing in Common
Hotel New York City
Vamanos
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating Again?
I’ll Be Your Tour Guide
Pale Force
Learnin’ Them
A Self-Portrait
Your Special Day
Losing My Religion
No Such Thing as a Free Babysitter
How to Put Five Kids to Bed in a Two-Bedroom Apartment
Negotiating with Terrorists
My Former Bed
Morning Has Been Broken
Naps Are Payday Loans
Get Married, Have Kids, Get Fat
Hand-in-Mouth Disease
We Need Bread
You Win, McDonald’s
How Sweet It Is
’Tis the Season
My Other Family
Are You Done Yet?
Six Kids, Catholic
The Great White Baby
The Mousetrap
Picture This
Snow Job
On the Road Again
Eskimo Pies
You’re Going to Miss This
Acknowledgments

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