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An honest, irreverent, laugh-out-loud guide to coping with death and dying from Emmy-nominated writer and New York Times bestselling co-author of Sh*tty Mom Laurie Kilmartin.
Death is not for the faint of heart, and sometimes the best way to cope is through humor. No one knows this better than comedian Laurie Kilmartin. She made headlines by live-tweeting her father’s time in hospice and her grieving process after he passed, and channeled her experience into a comedy special, 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad. Dead People Suck is her hilarious guide to surviving (sometimes) death, dying, and grief without losing your mind.
If you are old and about to die, sick and about to die, or with a loved one who is about to pass away or who has passed away, there’s something for you. With chapters like “Are You An Old Man With Daughters? Please Shred Your Porn,” “If Cancer was an STD, It Would Be Cured By Now,” and “Unsubscribing Your Dead Parent from Tea Party Emails,” Laurie Kilmartin guides you through some of life’s most complicated moments with equal parts heart and sarcasm.
|Product dimensions:||5.60(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.80(d)|
About the Author
Laurie Kilmartin is an Emmy-nominated writer for CONAN and the co-host of podcast The Jackie and Laurie Show. Her hour-long special, 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad, was named one of the Best Comedy Specials of 2016 by Decider, Paste, and Vulture. As a stand-up comedian, she has appeared on CONAN, Last Comic Standing, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Comedy Central.
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Excerpted from "Dead People Suck"
Copyright © 2018 Laurie Kilmartin.
Excerpted by permission of Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Author's Note viii
The Dying Reader
Planning Your Own Death: Should You Sneak Out the Back Door Like Dowie? 2
Are You an Old Man with Daughters? Please Shred Your Porn 7
Are You Old and About to Die? A Comprehensive List of Things You Should Do First 10
If Cancer Was an STD, There Would Be a Cure by Now 12
Hospice: A Medical Term That Means "Here, You Do It." 16
Get. There. Passwords 19
Home Hospice: Die Surrounded by Stuff You Meant to Take to Goodwill 22
When Oncologists Say, "Not the Results We Were Hoping For," They Mean "Bye-Bye" 25
If You've Given Birth, You Can Give Death 31
Help. I Just Saw My Father's Penis/Mother's Vagina 33
The Most Awkward Goodbye: Hospice Phone Call on Speaker 35
Who Are You, Bereft Stranger? 38
Morphine, Unregulated and in Your Refrigerator 40
Dying People Get Obsessed with Some Weird Shit 43
Shit Gets Real (Real Dead)
Never Leave Your Dying Loved One's Side Unless of Course It Is to Have Sex 48
Dying People Can Hear Every Word You Say 52
The Real Obit: He Died at Home, Surrounded by People Who Were on Their iPhones 54
My Loved one Just Died, Now What?
Don't Call the Mortuary Just Yet: The Case for Hanging Out with the Body Overnight 58
Your Parent Died before You Got to the Hospital, AKA One Final Attempt to Make You Feel Guilty 62
Your Long Dark Night of Old Testament-Style Lamentations 65
Bad News: Grief Is Not a Calorie Burner 68
The First Time You Tell a Telemarketer, "She Can't Come to the Phone Right Now Because She Is Dead." 72
Morternity Leave: You Deserve at Least Six Weeks Off After You Give Death 75
Celebrating Their Life
Cremation: Hire a Professional or DIY? 80
You Live in My Mom's Childhood Home, Mind If I Spread Her Ashes on Your Lawn? 83
For Lapsed Catholics Only: Yes, You Will Step Foot in That Church Again 88
Our Dad Was a Vet: Can We Ever Unfold This Flag? 91
Other People are Awful
The Main Reason Your Kid Is Crying Is He's Excited to Get Grandpa's iPad 96
When Famous People Die the Day Your Loved One Died (AKA No I'm Not Crying Because of Prince) 101
"I'm Sorry for Your Loss": The Aloha of Condolences 104
"Uh, My Mom Died When I Was 7": Things You Want to Say but Shouldn't to a Middle-Aged Friend Who Just Lost Her 79-Year-Old Mother 108
People Who Say, "Welcome to the Dead Dad Club" 111
The Only People Who Get Truly Upset When an 83-Year-Old Dies Are 82-Year-Olds 115
Death. Months Out
Reverse KonMari: When You Can't Throw Away Your Dead Parent's Crap 120
The Cemetery: Who Will Ignore Your Mother's Grave When You're Gone? 127
Selling the House: When Zillow Describes the Corner Where Your Mom Died as a Breakfast Nook 130
Open Letter to the New Owners of My Childhood Home 135
Sex with an Ex Because He Knew Your Dad (AKA Grief Bangs) 138
And Now, Your Future is Full of People Who Will Never Meet Your Mom 140
Teach Death: Rebuilding Your Dead Parent from the Pixel Up, with Videos, Photos, and Audio Recordings 143
Dead People Suck: Why Won't They Tell Us Definitively if There is an Afterlife? 147
Your Unending Rage
WTF-My Dad Is Dead and [fill in the blank, I like Dick Cheney] Is Still Alive? 152
Verb Tense: Changing "Is" to "Was" 154
Atheists: Prepare to Have Your Unfaith Tested 157
Facebook Keeps Putting Other People's Dead Parents in My Feed 161
Dear Silicon Valley, Could One of You Fucking Nerds Develop a Cure for Cancer Instead of Another Stupid App? 164
When the Wrong Parent Dies First 169
And Now the Fun Stuff
Unsubscribing Your Dead Parent from Tea Party E-mails 172
All Those Sex Acts You Would Never Try While Your Parents Were Still Alive? Time to Party 175
Mortality Watch: Guess Who's Next? (Hint: You) 180
Undo Years of Bad Parenting with the Gift of the Unexpected Check 184
The Obituary: A Bad Time for Writer's Block 186
Seize Your Days 189
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Hilarious! Insightful! As a hospice nurse, brings it brings perspective to the family's side of things, I only wish the author had a better hospice experience... Not all hospices are that way.
Excellent! If I could give this book more than 5 stars, I would! A very funny, yet endearing and loving look at grief. I could relate on so many levels. Many of the chapters made me laugh out loud. May I add that I have lost both of my parents and this book actually brought up many sweet memories. Just an excellent book~