Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids
304Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids
304Hardcover
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Overview
In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:
- The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
- The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks.
- The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie."
- The horror of glitter.
- And much more!
A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' therapy fund. And possibly her own. Crisply written, Don't Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.
Product Details
ISBN-13: | 9781620875261 |
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Publisher: | Skyhorse |
Publication date: | 05/22/2013 |
Pages: | 304 |
Product dimensions: | 5.90(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.10(d) |
About the Author
Table of Contents
Introduction: A Rambling Preamble, or How This Came to Be xiii
A word to the reader, or more precisely, 452 words to the reader xiii
Get that train off your penis xv
Part 1 Pregnancy and Birth, or Is This Really Happening? 1
So the accountant got her aunt to do some woo-woo on our unborn babies? 3
Were in trouble if our doctor doesn't know how women do it 9
You thought telling me I have good stats for a football player would be funny? 15
Do you think it's heretical if I refer to myself as the Trinity? 19
Why do so many people say stupid things to pregnant women? 23
Can you imagine if Tarantino made a film about pregnancy and birth? 27
The Sappy Files, Part 1 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Be Kind) 30
Part 2 The First Twelve Months, or The I-Barely-Remember Year 33
Please take these crying things away 35
Follow that car. My babies are in there 39
Can you stop selling boob-show passes to our guests? 45
Do you think they dropped our babies into a big vat of soup? 53
You spit at the taxi driver while pushing the stroller? 59
How long were those drunken women holding our babies? 64
We travel with our own dual airbags 72
I'm screwing up our kids 81
We're scarring them for life 82
The Sappy Files, Part 2 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I'm Somewhat Sane) 86
Part 3 The Toddler Years, or Reasons to Start a Therapy Fund 89
We need to outwit, outlast, outnumber our kids 91
I'm swearing my way to cleanliness 97
Would you put your penis away? 104
Mommy will sneeze like Donald Duck if you pick up your toys 109
You don't need clothes to be a dancer 117
The Sappy Files, Part 3 (or Why My Son's Future Therapists Should Adore Him) 124
Part 4 Preschool, or Who Taught You That? 127
Eating kids' Halloween candy is a community service 129
We can use the money from the kids' account to pay the credit card bill 136
Did you pee on Minnie Mouse on purpose? 145
You can buy a baby at the hospital 149
It's not an ice cream truck, it's a vegetable truck 154
Hop on Pop, if you know what I mean 159
Who told you that you should breathe through your mouth when daddies poo? 171
The Sappy Files, Part 4 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I Don't Need to Be Committed. Yet.) 176
Part 5 Kindergarten, or Why I Had a Breakdown 181
I put the mental in environmental 183
A homeless princess and a lion preparing for a flood, excellent choice of costumes 191
Her puke ruined the new car smell 196
Did you actually lick the tire? 202
Do you want to come to Stripper Barbie's funeral? 207
If you can't stop laughing, think of something sad, like dead puppies 214
I can't cope anymore 222
The Sappy Files, Part 5 (or Why My Daughter's Future Therapists Should Adore Her) 225
Part 6 Beyond Kindergarten, or Putting the Fun in Dysfunction 227
Stop using your straw to suck up spaghetti 229
You can't shoot people in church 237
He put the hose down the vent and turned on the water 243
The next time you come out of that room, you'd better be bleeding 252
I love the sound of vacuuming up LEGO in the morning 257
I'll smuggle some Pinot Grigio in the kids' water bottles 263
The Sappy Files, Part 6 (or Why My Kids' Therapists Should Have a Drink, Unless They're Alcoholics, in Which Case Don't. Blame. Me.) 271
The Post-Amble, or The Sappy-File Finale 273
The Final Sappy File (or Why I Need to Laugh) 273
Acknowledgments, or People I Didn't Forget to Thank 275
Resources, or High Tech-y Stuff 277
Index, or A Completely Unhelpful but Accurate Classification 279