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CHAPTER 1
Introduction
If you are newly incorporating premarital counseling into your practice, you will find this work a gratifying addition. From a practical point of view, you will not be burdened by filing insurance claims or writing reports and you will be paid fairly in a timely fashion. With the freedom from these restrictions, you can schedule ten sessions in advance for a flat fee. If more sessions are necessary, they can be paid at your hourly fee at the time of service, or you can elect a sliding scale depending on your choice and the needs of your clients. You will be engaged in confidential, meaningful, preventative work rather than damage control.
Your current experience with couples may be with those in an already damaged established relationship. The couple may be in a conflict that's at an impasse. Therefore, they may need a professional schooled in such matters to offer wisdom and compassion, and to provide them with the tools to fix what isn't working for them. This is your expertise and you are confident that with your talent and their determination, their goals will be accomplished.
Although some couples need more, they refuse in-depth work and prefer a quick fix. You patch up the current crisis until the next one erupts. You may find this work less gratifying and conclude to yourself that this couple would probably have been better off had they not married each other or married at all. There are couples who come your way at the brink of divorce, and after you assess their situation, it is clear that the relationship cannot be salvaged. More likely, too much scar tissue has built up to permit reconciliation. You do your best to emotionally support and guide them through the termination process.
Sometimes you may puzzle over why they made the choice to be together from the beginning. Were they so dazzled by each other that they couldn't think straight? Were they desperate for a partner? Was parental influence at play? Was a need for status or money an inducement?
An ideal situation occurs when sophisticated couples choose premarital counseling to help them make one of the most important decisions they may ever make-a lifelong commitment to another human being. One or both partners may have suffered from difficult previous marriages or one or both are the offspring of divorced parents. They want to avoid problems, and are willing to do as much as possible to assure that they are right for each other and not destined for another tremendous emotional upheaval. They know about the huge legal expenses, re-location, child custody concerns, negative effects on family life and the pain of a shattered dream. They may be all too aware of what is involved in a stressful relationship.
Working with couples determined to learn if they are good for each other before tying the knot is the most rewarding part of my practice. You may be challenged by some starry-eyed, naïve couples with little awareness of the profound impact marriage will have on many aspects of their lives and the likely challenges they will face. They may have decided on a brief course of premarital counseling at the request of a wise parent, friend, or colleague, or as a pre-requisite for a marriage license. Such a course may soon be required in many states to combat the high divorce rates. These couples may still be infatuated with each other and have not yet learned the difference between the intense feeling of infatuation and deep, sustaining love. They may need to learn that being in love and loving are separate experiences; the first is romantic and tentative, the second is fulfilling. They will find that infatuation fades when conflicts arise and resolution is unlikely or difficult.
It is fine to talk about the positive qualities of marriage. A committed relationship provides a foundation for contentment and stability and can help each partner to reach their own potential. Marriage gives comfort when things outside the relationship aren't going well.
However, it is also essential to alert couples to the negative aspects of marriage:
• Living intimately with another person requires making decisions jointly. It means considering another's viewpoint, likes and dislikes, which may differ from one's own. This can create stress and shatter an otherwise peaceful existence, robbing the couple of joy and oft-times, self-worth. They must be prepared for a change in lifestyle, one that includes a new set of dynamics and expectations.
• We must acknowledge the unpleasant fact that approximately one-half of American marriages end in divorce. Many people are marrying for the second or third time.
• Few couples admit that they would knowingly enter a devastating relationship, yet too many accept it as their plight, or are willing to be martyrs. Based upon my clinical observations, at least 15% who stay married would rate their marriages as less than satisfactory. The US statistics on divorce rates has changed little over the past decade and may well soar over 50%. Since the rate doesn't count people living in shifting de facto relationships, it may be underestimated. Still, many couples enjoy relationships that are a great source of fulfillment, emotional gratification and comfort.
The qualities that help make for a successful union are detailed throughout this book. Identifying them will show whether your couple is emotionally ready for marriage? for a lifetime with that special person in whose company each feels most comfortable.
Here you will find common sense coupled with forty years of psychological experience and wisdom gleaned from treating couples in troubled relationships. Many of these relationships failed because one or the other of the pair did not know how to read or heed the warning signs. Either their relationship was blinded by unhealthy needs, or they were not ready to commit. When perceptions are clouded by desire, people may overlook important aspects of the person they have chosen for a partner. Although couples seek premarital counseling, they may not realize the importance of taking time to make this decision carefully. Acting hastily doesn't allow them time to know each other as well as possible, so they fail to avoid unpleasant surprises.
To help prevent precipitous marriages, my standard ten-session program (see Chapter 2) offers couples the time and opportunity to view their personal and interpersonal situations more clearly, and stipulates that there are no guarantees. Pre marital counseling is far cheaper than a divorce and much cheaper than an all-day wedding reception.
A research project cited in Family Relations (April 2003) reviewed 23 studies on the effectiveness of premarital counseling and found that the average couple who participates in a premarital counseling or education program reports a significantly stronger marriage than other couples.
In choosing premarital counseling, couples should be congratulated for being off to a good start in learning to understand themselves and their partner.
Structuring Individual Sessions
I prefer to see each person separately for a couple of sessions, or more if necessary. The purpose of these sessions is to take a history, and to get to know the person as he is without his partner. Each has the opportunity to share concerns, which may be uncomfortable to talk about in front of the other. In these sessions, they can learn to frame these concerns appropriately to their partner later in joint sessions.
During individual sessions, we review the qualities that drew them together, such as physical attraction, companionship, fear of not finding another mate in the future, motivation to have a family life, or economic improvement. All are compelling reasons for wanting to marry, but they are not enough. The following factors, which impact on their life together, must also be evaluated:
• They must feel safe and satisfied in being together. Pausing to question these feelings may be a warning sign of trouble ahead.
• They must be able to share deeply from the heart, to feel truly themselves with each other, assured that they are accepted for who they really are, not as someone they pretend to be, or their partner imagines them to be.
• They must know each other as completely as possible in order to love one another.
• They must be able to demonstrate that their partner's wellbeing is as important as their own, that love is mutual and requires picking up the slack without measuring. They need to understand that love is a quality, not a quantity.
• They must share a common value system while keeping an open mind to examine things from their mate's viewpoint.
• They must be able to grant concessions, providing it does not compromise their value system.
• They must respect that a good marriage depends on an adequate frustration tolerance level.
Frustration Tolerance
Frustration tolerance means being accepting of a partner's habits or behaviors? some of which may be more or less frustrating depending on one's own state of mind at that particular moment. For example, when things aren't going well at work or at home, or one partner feels out of sorts, the other partner's frustration tolerance level can tumble. In other words, a relationship is like a piece of fabric: when one part unravels, it causes more unraveling.
If both partners have low frustration tolerance, they must be advised to regard their relationship as a bumpy road requiring work. They must be alerted to the fact that it is better to assume a "wait and see" approach before taking the plunge. Time will tell if they are willing and able to take on the task. Love may not be enough, as we have observed in our work with distressed couples.
If at least one of the pair has a high frustration tolerance, imagine that person as a tank capable of riding a bumpy road without much difficulty, but the couple must be cautioned that even an iron-clad tank will break down without proper care.
Stress to your clients, that even a tolerant person can ultimately lose patience. Typically, this results in an explosion out of proportion to its triggering event. Also, "having a high frustration tolerance" may be a disguise for being a martyr, or of a feeling of low self-worth meaning that the person feels s/he has to put up with unpleasantness from others because otherwise s/he will be alone.]
When one partner experiences unremitting doubts regarding a pending marriage, it is incumbent upon the premarital counselor to urge the doubter to examine the doubts. Are they based on a negative experience with the current mate? What did that person do, or neglect to do, to cause the concern? Your full attention should be focused on any event or events that made the person doubt that the chosen mate is appropriate. You must urge the doubter to discuss it with the partner, and to keep an open mind when listening to the response.
S/he should take time to reflect on the answer.
• Does the response clear the doubt?
• Is it something the person can live with and feel confident that it won't return to haunt the relationship?
• Is this the kind of person who can forgive and forget? Or does this client usually use another person's mistakes for future ammunition?
If indecision is a chronic problem that occurs in many areas of this person's life, then naturally it will be especially difficult to commit to a critical decision such as marriage. Indecision can stem from insecurity? a lack of trust in self-judgment, or a wish to be perfect. Often, indecisive people can make excellent decisions for other people, but not for themselves. The fear of making a mistake prevents them from moving forward. Helping them become aware of this characteristic may be the beginning of change.
A one-time forgiveness pass, depending on the seriousness of the matter, may be easy enough to issue, but repeated bad behavior should not be tolerated. It will destroy one's good feelings for a mate and diminish self-worth. If the client evaluated the situation fairly and decided it wasn't that bad, but the uncertainty lingers, the person must be urged to consider that divorce is much more costly than delaying wedding plans.
Many people wait too long to determine if their impending marriage is right for them. Despite profound conflicts, some couples resist delaying the wedding. They think that the money already spent should not be wasted. They fret over the embarrassment the delay would cause them and their families, and they sincerely hope a few counseling sessions a month before the wedding will clear up their conflicts, or that their problems will simply disappear after the stress of the wedding is over.
However, the tendency to overlook potential problems early on is dangerous. These problems will not evaporate, but will probably loom large in the future. As an outcome of the premarital counseling experience, some individuals have chosen to seek psychotherapy for themselves before committing to a marriage.
While some individuals are emotionally troubled, not all are motivated to seek treatment. Some are uncomfortable with the expectation that they will be asked to reveal their innermost feelings or thoughts. To do so, they run the risk of feeling ashamed, misunderstood, or rejected as damaged goods.
By experiencing the premarital counselor as a non-threatening, understanding, compassionate, empathetic person they may be encouraged to accept therapy when recommended. A loving, supportive partner can offer encouragement.
Joint Sessions
In these sessions, it is helpful to illustrate a few cases of couples whose marriage didn't work out, and of those whose marriage remains a satisfying experience.
Emily and Brad
Despite an eighteen-year age difference, Emily and Brad were right for each other. They met at a foreign policy lecture at the university. He was a twenty-seven year old doctoral candidate in the chemistry department, and Emily at forty-six was a history professor. During the Q and A, Brad asked many of the questions that Emily had on her mind. She agreed with all his points. After the lecture ended, they discussed the content in greater depth until the room was empty and they were asked to leave. They continued their conversation over coffee at a nearby café. This was the start of a long friendship based on a commonality of interests and viewpoints.
Emily and Brad frequently met between classes to plan support of a political candidate. The rapport between them gave them a special bond. Often, they seemed to know what the other thought and felt. They enjoyed hiking and biking and spent their free time together over several months.
It wasn't until Emily had a serious bike accident and was incapacitated that they realized how deeply they felt for each other. Brad took care of Emily and she let him know that she was grateful. He was the kindest, most thoughtful person she had known.
Brad's tenderness revived feelings Emily hadn't experienced since she was a hot-to-trot young adult. She found Brad intellectually and emotionally mature, with the vigor and passion expected of a young man.
Brad had dated many women his own age, but he considered them immature and was tired of what he considered silly dating games. With Emily it was different. He felt in complete harmony with her. They fell in love for all the right reasons.
After two years, they decided to get married. At first Brad's parents disapproved because they wanted grandchildren, but they respected Brad's carefully considered decisions. Brad and Emily had a full life and didn't want the responsibility of parenthood.
Brad and Emily will soon celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They are best friends, allowing each other freedom and independence to pursue their own creative pursuits. Brad is a serious photographer, and Emily an accomplished sculptor.
A disparity in ages may be a barrier for other couples, but for Brad, emotionally mature beyond his years, and Emily, youthful and vibrant for her age, it made no difference.
Todd and Jenny
Let's take a look at another couple. With much in common and an intense physical attraction, Todd and Jenny thought they were well matched and in-love from the start. But was it real love? Real love is sustaining and fulfilling, whereas infatuation is exciting and tentative, a magical chemical wonder that brings a smile to your face and a spring to your step. Infatuation fades when you're treated poorly by your object of desire or when the humdrum of daily life causes the spark to dim.
Todd and Jenny, in their late-twenties, met at a church singles social and were instantly attracted to each other. They shared the same religious and ethnic background, and enjoyed sailing and water sports. They were ambitious and had complimentary successful sales careers; Todd's in real estate and Jenny's in mortgage.
They longed for each other and could hardly wait to be together, so when Jenny's furnished apartment sublease ended they decided to live together in Todd's fashionable condo. Jenny offered to pay Todd rent and her portion of the utilities, but he refused. However, he accepted her offer to pay for their lavish meals in trendy restaurants and stocking the refrigerator with his favorite foods.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Essentials of Premarital Counseling"
by .
Copyright © 2008 Sandra L. Ceren.
Excerpted by permission of Loving Healing Press, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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