F U, Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What

F U, Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What

by Matthew Gasteier

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780345518163
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 08/25/2009
Edition description: Original
Pages: 240
Sales rank: 106,340
Product dimensions: 6.22(w) x 9.16(h) x 0.53(d)

About the Author

Matthew Gasteier is the creator of the popular blog, fupenguin.com, which is the basis for this book. He lives in Watertown, Massachusetts. Some of his best friends are penguins.

Read an Excerpt

The “it” animal of this first decade of the twenty-first century, the penguin has yet to use its fame and fortune for anything but its own self-interest, even accepting an outpouring of support for “endangered” species of penguins. But if they are so endangered, how come there are so many pictures of them on my computer’s hard drive? They even shamelessly accept fish in exchange for letting you spend a few minutes alone with one of them (Antarctica is the champagne room of the southern hemisphere). Thoughtlessly waddling into our hearts with March of the Penguins, these birds didn’t even feel it was necessary to appear in person for their cash-in films, Happy Feet and Surf’s Up, replacing themselves with cartoon imitations. Despite these halfhearted efforts, they have been able to get away with the equivalent of genocide on our psyches, and it’s time they were stopped, International Criminal Court-style.
 
What follows is a detailed deconstruction of the ways in which penguins can ruin your day. DON’T LET THEM WIN. Together, we can stop this threat, and take back our lives from these overdressed con artists.
 
The worst part of all this attention on penguins is how much it has inflated their egos. This cocky bastard thinks he’s Leo fucking DiCaprio on the bow of the Titanic, and while penguins can’t talk (or, more likely, they think humans are beneath their talking abilities), he’s basically saying “I’m king of the world” with his body language.
 
Well, I’ve got news for you, Penguin. Just because you have tiny little flightless penguin wings that you are spreading like you want to give me a big bear hug and I can see your cute little penguin feet peeking out from under your penguin belly and you are an emperor penguin which is like a king does NOT mean that you are the king of the world, jerk. IN FACT, YOU ARE JUST A PENGUIN. It may be your world, now, Penguin, but I’m on to you. Watch your adorable fucking back.
 
Penguins are into the thrills in life, so they play a lot of games, like competing to see how batshit crazy they can look and still come off like a kitten in a fucking basket. This rock-hopping asshole went straight for the Looney Tunes-style crazy eyes, which go disgustingly great with the Mardi Gras feathers that come standard on one of these motherfuckers.
 
But, of course, that all wasn’t good enough, was it, Penguin? So you gave me a smile that says, “First I’m going to pick your child up from day care, and then I’m going to have sex with your wife before we all go out for a nice family dinner at the local Chili’s.” And you still have the GODDAMNED NERVE to be cute. In MY GODDAMNED BOOK. Well, guess what, Penguin? I hate the player, and I hate the game. So get out of my face.
 
Penguins need feathers to stay warm in the water, since they are too vain to get fatter and let their blubber keep them warm. So when Pierre over here (actual goddamned name) couldn’t grow his own feathers, what did we do? WE GAVE HIM A WET SUIT TO KEEP HIM WARM. Now look at him, smirking away as he is lowered back down to show off his gear to his friends, like he did anything to deserve it.
 
Why are we such chumps, people? These penguins don’t care about us, all they do is waddle around and have babies—adorable, smug little babies. And yet we will put wet suits on them, and as if that’s not enough, WE THEN WRITE NEWS ARTICLES ABOUT HOW CUTE THEY LOOK IN THE WET SUITS WE PUT THEM IN. Do you not see the vicious circle here, people? We will be free of the penguins only when we stop allowing them to have this power over us. Let’s let Pierre buy his own wet suit. Then we’ll see how cute it is when a bald penguin has to wait tables for a living.
 
Actually, that would be pretty cute …. Just give him the damn wet suit.
 
Hey, buddy, can you get the fuck out of my way? I’m trying to talk to the penguins here. I know this is normally the part of the nature documentaries where you come in and get to be the bad guy because you run after the penguins and everyone boos. But guess what, asshole? NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, WEDDELL SEAL. You probably think we’re going to be friends because I hate penguins, but all you do is drum up sympathy for the bastards, so you need to go back to squid and fish and let me handle the birds.
 
What are you so desperate for, anyway? You’ve got fat folds, short arms, a pudgy nose, and a perpetual frown. YOU ARE A VORTEX OF CUTE. Pretty sad, Weddell Seal. I think it’s time you stepped aside and let me take over here. Now fall back, Weddell Seal. I’ll call you when I need you.
 
I don’t know if you are making fun of people in double leg casts or if you are just trying to put me into a coma as you waddle into my heart, Penguin. But unless you are not at all trying to get where you are going, that is the dumbest way to walk that I can possibly imagine. FRONT TO BACK, NOT SIDE TO SIDE, MORON. What makes it so depressing is that you know damn well what you are doing. It’s not like walking was just invented, it’s been around for years. Well, I don’t know who you think you are, Penguin, but it’s time you learned how to get around properly. If you start walking the right way now, who knows? Maybe ten, twenty generations down the line, your legs will come back, and then you won’t have to waddle around like some pathetic loser that can’t even get away from a seal.
 
So start working it, Penguin. And if I catch you taking the easy way out by sliding on your belly, you are going to be in serious, serious trouble.
 
Are you kidding me, Penguin? Did you even read the last page, or are you just browsing here? YOU REALIZE THIS MEANS WAR, RIGHT, PENGUIN? Don’t even look at me like that. You are sliding on your fat belly because your feet can’t get around it to walk, meanwhile your wings are hanging in the air like the useless undeveloped appendages that they are (have you ever heard of toning, Penguin?), and you have the balls to be proud of yourself for defying me?
 
I’ve just about had it up to here with you penguins. You know, you waddle and slide, you flap your wings and hop on rocks, you don’t get out of my dreams and into my car …. The whole thing is a fucking disaster. I can’t even take this anymore, let’s find some animals who are actually willing to face what they’ve done.
 

(Continues…)



Excerpted from "F U, Penguin"
by .
Copyright © 2009 Matthew Gasteier.
Excerpted by permission of Random House Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Customer Reviews

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F. U., Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What 3.5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 38 reviews.
schmikki More than 1 year ago
I love this book! Just trying to describe it to friends makes me crack up. If I am having a bad day, I can read a couple pages and laugh out loud. If you don't like "strong language", maybe you shouldn't purchase a book with "F U" in the title. This book is hilarious and fun!
Paige Kloefkorn More than 1 year ago
Laugh-out -loud funny book in which the author takes a stab at people who idolize cute animals! Strong language used however, as seen in the title, and i think that it would still be funny even without the language.
Walter Dodson More than 1 year ago
This is the funny ist thing in the world
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had this book but I lost it, and now with a nook I can possibly get it again! But back to the matter at hand. This is a must have story. As you can see above I rated it 5/5 stars. I DID THAT FOR A REASON!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love this book, especially on stressful days.
teachersays More than 1 year ago
A humoruous look at those cute animals that are used to sell just about everything. Yes, we love them. Yes, they are CUTE, but they do seem a little smug. This book is especially fun to read aloud in a group.
Allestia More than 1 year ago
This book was one of the most random yet fun books I have read in a long time. Great to keep on a coffee table to entertain your guests and even yourself. The whole book was funny and creative and kudos to the website that goes along with this book. 5 stars!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I guess this book is a written version of the online blog, but if you want to get someone a good gift that will bring them hours of laughs, get them this book. My husband and I laughed out loud all the way home while I read this book out loud. If you like cute animals and have a good sense of humor, this book will provide much entertainment.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I was flipping through the pages of FU Penguin in Barnes and Noble, and was literally laughing out loud in the bookstore. I bought it for my friend for her birthday, and she LOVED it. Pretty much the book has pictures of the cutest animals you've ever seen, then a page just yelling and cussing out the animal for being so cute. If you get this book, read the page about the prairie dog. Funniest. Page. EVER!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is one of the funniest books I've read in a long time. It will literally have you laughing out loud. It's about time someone put these cute animals in their place! I will read this again and again!
meggyweg on LibraryThing 3 months ago
This was not as funny as I hoped it would be, but it still was very amusing, with wonderful photographs as well. I liked the insertion of facts about each species shown in the pictures (and snarky sarcastic comments too). Like, "Koalas eat eucalyptus leaves almost exclusively. It would have been nice to know that before I slaved for hours in a hot kitchen when a koala was coming over for dinner."
MeditationesMartini on LibraryThing 3 months ago
More bizarre than anything. Guy produced a whole book of him ranting at the cat for plotting something and the Weddell seal for eating penguins and the penguin for pushing other penguins into the water to be eaten and the panda for being endangered and not giving a crap. Plentiful allcaps. I think the backstory to this one must be that some semi-intouch zoologist heard that the kids were into lol-animals and bands called wolf and bear, and he sold some semi-intouch publishing-industry people on the idea of a book of science facts disguised as a book of hipster fauna. That makes me feel like this is endearing rather than pointless. But there aren't really a lot of science facts, and the ones that there are feel so Wikipedia that I'm afraid somebody actually thought this was the way to make his fortune. And, well, at least one person bought a copy (the one I looked at in my friend's bathroom). Maybe it was his semi-intouch aunt. Anyway, allcaps ranting don't substitute for actual jokes.
RockStarNinja on LibraryThing 3 months ago
Maybe the greatest book ever to be put into existence.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I have never read a more sarcastic, funny book. I'm jealous of cute animals, and I HATE HATE HATE penguins especially baby ones who get attention. THEY AREN'T EVEN CUTE THEY LOOK LIKE ASIANS. SERIOUSLY LOOKIT THE ONE ON THE COVER HES FROM ASIA.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Bad langage and very inapropriate for all ages. :(
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Stupid book
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is teaching peaple that cuteanimals struggling to servive are bad it is just horable:(
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Really....no! Ive only read the sample.
Lyndsey Werhane More than 1 year ago
Ispet his name wrong but I am stiil going to call him that
Tanner3153 More than 1 year ago
So cute. this mother f**kin athor is bad.the animals are actually cute, and some are struggeling to live!!!!screw this book, and the author too.
Robert Wesley More than 1 year ago
I liked it its as good as people say it is telling animal whats what like peguins need to walk right and stop jumping of huge pieces of ice ,they mmust want to fly or try to kill themselves
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