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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781467064736 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 12/07/2011 |
| Pages: | 368 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.94(d) |
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FATHERLESS
... The movement is onBy D.E. Brown
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 D.E. BrownAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4670-6474-3
Chapter One
The Wedding
Lisa and I were married on February 22, 1992, at a beautiful catering hall in Lindenhurst, Long island. The hall was filled with 150 of our relatives and close friends. The most important part of the day was that Michelle, our daughter, was in the wedding. Lisa and her mom thought Michelle was too young to be in the wedding. At the time, she was one and a half years old.
I made it perfectly clear that if Michelle was not in the wedding, I would not be in it either. After all, I was only getting married for my daughter's sake.
Needless to say, Michelle was our flower girl, and what a beautiful flower girl she was, in a white princess gown trimmed with a rose-scalloped hem. Alex Johnson Jr. escorted Michelle. He is the son of a very good friend of mine, Alex Johnson Sr. Alex Jr. was a very handsome two-year-old ring bearer and a little gentleman. He was dressed in a black tuxedo, white shirt, and bow tie.
The only flaw in the wedding was that Michelle's hair was not fixed for the occasion. She wore her hair in an afro puff with a powder-blue scrunchie tied around it to hold it in place. We had expected Lisa's cousin to comb Michelle's hair into a fancy style appropriate for a flower girl, but that had not happened.
The catering hall was electrifying. Everyone was in position, waiting with anticipation and watching for the bride to come.
My cousin troy was my best man. While he and I were standing at the altar, I started thinking about the huge decision I was about to make. In my mind, the room became silent; everyone was moving in slow motion. I could hear my heart beating, and my throat became extremely dry. Several thoughts were running through my mind.
What on earth are you doing? Why are you doing this? You don't want to marry her! She can't be trusted! And you are not in love with her! My wife is supposed to be my soul mate and my completion.
Then came the opposing thoughts.
Yeah, but you're doing this for Michelle, not for you!
The voice of reason spoke. Well, shouldn't you be happy too?
The parental voice responded. It's not about you. It's about your child now!
I was torn in my decision. Both of the voices made perfect sense to me. I was standing in front of all these people—my mother, my father, my stepmother, my youngest brother titus, and my nana—who had come up from Florida to attend the wedding. My younger brother Keith was one of the groomsmen. My heart and mind were begging me to leave immediately, that very moment. But what would I say to all of these people? in my head, I practiced a little speech:
I am sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I must apologize, but there will not be a wedding today.
I knew this would be very disappointing to many people. again, the voice came.
They are not the ones who are marrying Lisa. You are!
I had wrestled with these thoughts for months prior to making this decision, and apparently I still had not decided. I had not gotten fitted for the tuxedo until two days before the wedding.
Suddenly Troy interrupted my thoughts.
"Dean, are you all right? You don't look too good, cuz! Are you sure you want to do this?"
It was as though he was reading my mind. Troy was totally opposed to my decision, but he had said he would stand with me. that he did. He asked again, "Are you sure you want to do this? Listen, man, I have a bottle of Jack Daniels in my trunk. You and I could go to the beach, get drunk, and forget about all of this. You down?"
I thought to myself, Is it that obvious? Wow. Can anyone else tell what I'm thinking by looking at me? It must be written all over my face.
I looked at troy and said, "Yeah, man. go get the car." troy smiled and answered, "that's a bet."
Just as Troy turned to walk away, we heard the congregation simultaneously sigh, "Ahhh ..." Troy and I turned around and saw my baby girl at the back of the room waiting to walk down the aisle. I quickly grabbed Troy by the arm and said, "Wait, I can't leave yet."
We watched Michelle and Alex Jr. slowly walk down the aisle, dropping rose petals. She was so beautiful, and they looked adorable together. Tears began to stream down my face. I thought, This is why I'm here. This is why I invited my family and friends.
As Michelle approached me, I bent down, picked her up, and gave her a big hug and some kisses. I looked into her little brown eyes and said, "Baby, you look so beautiful. I am so proud of you. this isn't for me, but Daddy's going to do it just for you."
I hugged and kissed her again and put her down. Shortly after that, Lisa came down the aisle. she looked beautiful as well. Ss we stood side-by-side, I could not separate my true feelings. It was as though I was performing for a live audience. I really wished that I could rid myself of the negative feelings I had about Lisa and just be happy. But I couldn't! not only did I not trust her, but I also despised her for plotting her pregnancy. She was such a liar!
Somehow I was able to get through the day with a smile on my face. My concern was for what was going to happen tomorrow.
It was a classy and well-organized wedding. Alex Sr. was my DJ, and I had hired two of my good friends, jazz artists, Darren Mills and Larry Christian to play the saxophone and the piano. They blew the audience away; people had tears in their eyes as they listened and enjoyed the music. Their performance put the finishing touches on the wedding. The food was great, and everybody partied like there was no tomorrow.
When the time came for Lisa to dance with her father, I danced with my mother, who cried through the entire song. She respected my decision to be there for Michelle. However, she was sad because she knew that I was unhappy. And we all know that every mother wants her children to be happily married.
It was five o'clock and the reception was coming to an end. We walked around to each table, greeting all of our guests and collecting envelopes. We thanked each and every one for coming and showing their love and support. At the end of the wedding, all of the guests expressed their happiness for us. Several relatives expressed to us that this was the best wedding they had ever attended. I was thinking, I wish I could say the same. It's too bad I married the wrong person for what I thought was the right reason.
In hindsight, when I think about the decision I made to marry Lisa, I realize that it was unfair to her as well. She needed to be with someone who was in love with her, someone who genuinely wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and not just because they shared a child.
My thoughts made amends. Well, we're married now. I'll try to make it work, although my heart is not in it.
We went on a cruise to the Bahamas for one week. It was my first cruise, and we took Disney's Big red Boat. I was excited about the trip, and I really tried to have a good time. However, there is nothing worse than feeling trapped on your honeymoon. I was on a beautiful island in the Caribbean with someone I did not want to be with. We even argued part of the time.
The cruise itself was awesome, and the food was fantastic. After the cruise, it was time to go home and do life. I was happy to go home and see Michelle. I had missed her immensely.
The boat docked in Cape Canaveral, and we drove to Lisa's parents' house in Winter springs, Florida. At that time, Lisa and Michelle were living with Lisa's parents in Florida. I stayed for a few extra days to spend time with Michelle. Lisa and Michelle would be returning to New York to live in two weeks.
By the time they returned to New York, Lisa had spent most of the money that we had received as wedding gifts. I was livid. How could she squander $3,200 in two weeks, knowing that we needed something to put away in case of an emergency? the money had been earmarked to go into a joint savings account when she came home.
Before they returned to New York I had purchased a 1987 Buick Riviera at an auction in the Bronx. The engine had died on Lisa's previous car, so I'd bought the Buick in order for her to get around with Michelle.
Lisa, Michelle, and I lived in north Babylon in Long Island, New York, with her brother and his wife. It was the house she had grown up in—a high-ranch style. My brother-in-law and his wife lived upstairs, and we lived downstairs. Their parents had left them the house when they retired and moved to Florida.
It was wonderful to see Michelle every day in the morning and at night. I worked the evening shift, 3:00 to 11:00 p.m., at the Brooklyn Correctional Facility (BCF) in downtown Brooklyn.
It took me approximately an hour to an hour and a half to reach home. By the time I arrived, everyone should have been asleep. I would pull into the driveway, and my headlights would shine into Michelle's window. I imagine the combination of my headlights and the sound of the engine woke her up from a deep sleep.
I would try to enter the house as quietly as possible. However, as soon as I locked the door and put my bag down, Michelle would run down the hallway and leap into my arms. She would say that magical word that every father loves to hear.
"Daddy!"
I would swing her around in my arms and kiss her all over her little face. No matter how bad my day might have been at work, once I reached home and heard my baby say that special word, it made everything all right. Daddy! that has to be the greatest feeling in the world.
I would tell her to go to bed while I took a shower. She would say, "Nope, I'm gonna wait right here." Then she would take the remote control, turn on the television, and watch it until I came out of the bathroom.
The first two months of this life were tolerable. After an argument in the month of April, I moved out for a few days. My mother convinced me to go back and at least give the marriage a try. Although I went back, my spirit was not at peace. I knew it wouldn't work.
By June I was beginning to get very frustrated. Lisa was a compulsive liar, and all we did was argue. She did not want to work, and she spent all the money that we were supposed to save. after her cousin helped her to get a job at Kennedy airport, Lisa finally went to work, earning six dollars an hour. The last job she'd had in New York was as an assistant manager for a spring water company.
I asked her, "Why would you take a job making six dollars an hour when we just got married and have a child to raise?"
Her answer to me was, "Well, I figured I could give back to my parents now by letting them fly for free."
My instant reply to her was, "Are you out of your mind? Your parents are retired, and they live in Florida. We are just starting a family, and you want us to buy a house. What kind of house do you expect us to buy with you making six dollars an hour? You're qualified to do much better than that."
Even with my constant intervention, it had taken her a long time to get motivated enough to go back to work. Then she'd settled for a mediocre job!
It was as if the plans we had made for our future were not important to her. There was only so much of this foolishness that I could take. As much as I wanted to be there for Michelle, I just could not do this any longer. I felt trapped.
I slowly started slipping into depression. If I stayed, I'd be miserable. If I left, I'd be miserable too, because I would miss my daughter. But I had to find peace.
The same year we were married, one of my coworkers died from AIDS complications. He was thirty-three years old, a young man, and a very good officer. I attended the funeral.
As I approached the casket to view Cyrus Harrison's body, I could not help but ask myself some very important questions:
If I died today, could I say that I was happy? Could I say that I had accomplished all of the things I wanted to do in life? Had I married the woman of my dreams? Was my career flourishing the way I wanted it to? Was I going to heaven?
The answer to all of these questions was no. That frightened me.
This was a serious reality check for me. I had made a huge mistake by marrying Lisa. At this point I needed to make some immediate changes, because I was extremely unhappy. As a matter of fact, my depression was becoming overwhelming. I had started going to Dean street Café after work to have a few drinks before I went home. I would get home at 2:00 a.m.—sometimes 3:00 a.m.
As much as I wanted to see my daughter every day, I just could not live under the same roof with Lisa anymore. When I no longer wanted to touch the woman I shared a bed with, that was just too heavy for me.
Chapter Two
Separating
On October 7, 1992, at approximately 8:45 p.m., I began pacing back and forth in the house. Lisa and I didn't say much to each other. she cooked spaghetti and fried chicken for dinner. I didn't eat much. I just had to get out. I paced back and forth because I really didn't want to leave Michelle. I think what made my decision easier that day was the fact that Michelle was in Florida.
It was 10:00 p.m., and I finally sat Lisa down to tell her that I could not stay in the house any longer. "you and I cannot live under the same roof," I said.
She responded, "Dean, if you leave, don't come back."
"Don't worry, baby," I replied. "I'm never coming back." she burst into tears.
The moment I made that statement, a tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt an inner peace, because I was now free to leave. However, leaving came with a price, and I was also deeply saddened. I would now become a weekend dad, so I would not be able to see Michelle daily. I also felt bad for Lisa. I knew that I had broken her heart, but she was the one who had created this mess, and I just could not look at her anymore.
No one wins in a divorce. Part of me wanted to console her until she stopped crying. Another voice said, You'd better get out of here while you can. At 10:30 p.m., I drove out of the driveway and prayed. I asked god to please protect my child in my absence. That prayer was important to me; when the father is absent from the home, the children are exposed and are vulnerable to anything and everything. Michelle being violated was my greatest fear.
In my profession as a corrections officer, it is common to see prisoners who have been arrested for raping little girls, teenagers, and women. In many of these cases, there was no father around to protect them.
The following day, Lisa's brother called to inform me that she had been rushed to Good Samaritan Hospital the previous evening. It was believed that she had suffered a nervous breakdown. He said he'd gone downstairs to check on her and found her passed out on the floor. He became alarmed when he saw that her eyes were rolled to the back of her head. For one horrible moment, he said, he'd thought she was dead. He'd called 911 right away. I decided to go and see her; I thought that was the right thing to do.
I walked into her room, and as I approached her bed, I could not help but notice that she had the shakes. Her head was shaking uncontrollably, and so were her hands. It appeared as though she was staring into space. I stood directly over her and greeted her. She said hello very slowly in a very soft voice; she sounded as if she was heavily medicated. Lisa looked bad, and I felt terrible. I needed to find a nurse to ask what had happened to her. I refused to believe that this was the end result of me leaving.
I told Lisa I would be right back. I had to find a nurse. Just as I was about to walk out of the room, her nurse walked in. I asked her what had happened to Lisa.
The nurse stated, "It appears that Lisa had a nervous breakdown, and she needs plenty of rest. You need to speak with her doctor to confirm this." After my conversation with the nurse, I stayed for an hour and then headed home.
It was a long ride back to Brooklyn, but that was okay because I needed some time to think. How was she going to take care of Michelle in that condition? The compassionate side of me felt sorry for Lisa and wanted to be there for her and Michelle, at least until she got out of the hospital.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from FATHERLESS by D.E. Brown Copyright © 2011 by D.E. Brown. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
CHAPTER ONE The Wedding....................1CHAPTER TWO Separating....................11
CHAPTER THREE Visitation and Support....................19
CHAPTER FOUR Lisa's First Felony Arrest....................34
CHAPTER FIVE A Destiny Decision....................43
CHAPTER SIX Distracted....................57
CHAPTER SEVEN Someone Is Sleeping in My Bed....................61
CHAPTER EIGHT Accused....................70
CHAPTER NINE Surrendered and Charged....................85
CHAPTER TEN In Correction Custody....................105
CHAPTER ELEVEN Out on Bail: Christine Watkins....................119
CHAPTER TWELVE Nassau County....................129
CHAPTER THIRTEEN The McDonald's Incident....................136
CHAPTER FOURTEEN EAC Supervised Visitation....................145
CHAPTER FIFTEEN The Trial Begins: a plea ignored....................159
CHAPTER SIXTEEN The Trial Resumes....................165
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN They Offered Me a Plea....................178
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Seeking Media Attention....................183
CHAPTER NINETEEN The Trial....................191
CHAPTER TWENTY a Call from a Private Investigator....................206
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE Enough is Enough....................215
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO A Visit from an Angel....................221
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE Visitation before the Decision....................227
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR The Trial Continues: Professor Harold Bernstein....................242
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE The trial: Visitation....................278
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX Things Begin to be Exposed Publicly....................285
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN The Judge's Decision....................291
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT An Attempt to Sue Nassau County....................302
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE Vindication and Visitation....................311
CHAPTER THIRTY The First Unsupervised Visit....................319
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE Another Battle for Custody....................326
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO Sweet Sixteen....................329
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE Family Matters....................338