Read an Excerpt
Find Your Way Home
Words from the Street, Wisdom from the Heart
By Becca Stevens Abingdon Press
Copyright © 2008 Abingdon Press
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-687-64705-7
CHAPTER 1
Come Together
No matter where we are, we are better coming together than living separately.
We come on circuitous paths from prisons, from the streets, from churches because we are tired and want to live in hope.
We come in every color. We come lonely and afraid and do not want to die.
We come because our bodies and spirits are sick and our teeth are falling out and we know we need help.
I remember my last days using on the streets. I walked up and down Dickerson Road until a car stopped for me. I got in the car, and the man asked me to have sex with him. I agreed because I wanted that next hit of dope so bad. After we finished, he dropped me off at the store on the corner of Dickerson Road and Hancock Avenue. I saw the guy who I always bought my drugs from, and I bought dope. I went behind the store to take a hit. I smoked it on a glass stem and tried to forget what I had just done.
* * *
When I came into Magdalene they gave me a key to the house. I kissed the floor because I knew that someone believed in me. I felt love for the first time in my life and wondered what kind of people were in this place. It made me tingle all over, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.
CHAPTER 2
Proclaim Original Grace
We are made in the image of God. We look at each person's journey beginning not with original sin but original grace.
Our journeys all start and end with God, and everything we do is a step toward our return to wholeness. Because grace is our beginning, we are worthy of all good things.
We are God's children in flesh and spirit. We never have to live in shame for all the things that have been done to us or that we have done to others.
It is hard for me to believe that I am made in the image of God. Lately, though, when I look in the mirror I can see God's child. I can look deep into her eyes and see that under the pain is courage, love, acceptance, willingness, open-mindedness, joy, self-worth, honesty, peace, truth, faith, humility, and my true self. What I want to say to my sister on the streets is that a time will come when you don't want to go on, but going on is a wonderful path that you can't even imagine. Today I say hold on to one thing and that is self. You were made in God's image.
* * *
I come from a gated community in the south of Nashville. I had been taught my whole life that I needed to be safe, so I made that my primary concern. My family and I lived in a safe neighborhood, went to a safe church, attended a safe school, and never went near the unsafe parts of the city. It began to feel stifling and isolating to me. I decided to volunteer at Magdalene and began to sit in the circle with women off the streets. I found grace in that circle such as I had not known before. There was no judgment, just the realization that we are brothers and sisters walking as best we can toward God.
I have a broken body. I knew sobriety for nine years in Magdalene and still am searching for peace. I have jumped off hotel roofs to avoid the police and have survived being stabbed. My body wants to be medicated to forget the brokenness and all the times I abused it to get a fix. On my best days I know even this broken mess of a body is a temple of spirit. I am trying to hold onto the knowledge that I began with God and I am God's child.
CHAPTER 3
Cry With Your Creator
Even though we may feel lonely when we cry, we are never truly alone. Our despair is part of a larger chorus howling for justice that stretches back to the prophets.
We are working on our own recovery, and no one can do that work for us. We can listen to one another's stories and offer support as we walk this sacred ground.
Every step of the way we remind one another that God hears our cry.
I was homeless, standing in the rain with nowhere to go but into a car with a trick. I was sickly skinny, and my hair was falling out. I was filthy, I had lost my front teeth, and my clothes were dirty. I hadn't seen my family in twelve years. I will never forget just standing at the edge of Dickerson Road with tears running down my face. Someone help me.
* * *
I remember the first time I cried when I came into the community two years ago. I felt touched by God, and it was beautiful. I was lying in my bed on one of the very first nights in the safety of this new home. I was looking around; and even though I didn't see anyone there, there was a feeling of something inside of me. I can't describe it except that it was a feeling of love for myself. Because of this community of sisters and God's mercy, I can face the big fears of my life.
I think my old self felt there was so much pain with not much to gain. I felt the harsh words of others that held no grace. It left me feeling like there was no place to feel the peace of God. Now I can be loved and love without judgment. I can stay still and feel tears come and the words thank you coming from my heart.
CHAPTER 4
Find Your Place in the Circle
We are a disciplined community that consists of residents, affiliates, graduates, and women on the streets; staff, volunteers, board members, and community partners.
We find our place in the circle, knowing that it doesn't matter if on that particular day we will be giving or receiving.
Guests and newcomers are given priority in the circle.
I find this circle is like church for me—at least how church is supposed to feel. It feels like a loving group that is sharing a common goal, and there is no reason to try and take power or give up your voice. I am grateful for the image of the circle and amazed by the reality of it.
I sat in our circle and didn't feel anything. Then the director got up and walked over to a woman sitting near me and started braiding her hair. That is when I felt something growing in me, and I wanted to sing. Of course, the feeling was love. I had never sat in such a circle; and I was amazed as I watched her go to the next woman's hair, judging no one and being one of us. It was a comfort to have all the people in the circle be part of it. The circle was soothing and intimate, and it is changing my heart.
* * *
One morning at dawn I was walking the streets of Miami, and everything was silent. The only noise came from the creaking of a swinging gate. I had heard people talk about the gates of hell, and I wondered for a moment if I had died in the night and this was really hell. Coming into this circle is like being able to breathe again. In the circle it feels like I have come up out of the water and am tasting life. It is bright and blue. I can see more clearly. I can open my mouth. I can hear the birds and hear the waves.
CHAPTER 5
Think of the Stranger as God
Instead of saying, "There but for the grace of God go I," we say, "There goes God." It reminds us of the truth that in loving our neighbors we are meeting God.
The heart of the matter is that God is in every person and that every person should be treated accordingly, with love and respect.
I couldn't speak English very well, and the judge was telling me that I had to leave my child and go into Magdalene. I was angry and couldn't believe that a man who did not even know me was making me do this thing. What I didn't know was that this stranger in the form of a robed judge was bringing me a miracle. What that judge did makes it easier for me to think of the stranger as God.
* * *
I used to get high under the walking bridge near downtown. I would get high and pray and listen to the birds. I really think the birds kept me going. One day I was sitting there, crazy as hell. I hadn't had a bath, hadn't eaten. I had a knife and was contemplating suicide when a man named Roy came and sat down beside me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I was tired and ready to give up. He invited me to go with him to a place called Mt. Nebo Church. So I went. When I got there they gave me clothes, let me take a bath, and fed me. Right after church several people were going to do an outreach on the streets. They invited me to come along. The women from the church were giving bags of toiletries and snacks away to women walking the streets. I saw them treat the stranger, me, with love. They were partnering with a community called Magdalene, and they invited me to come and live. The problem was I couldn't stay clean. It would take me almost another year to give up the drugs, but I am so thankful God didn't give up on me.
CHAPTER 6
Take the Longer Path
There is no shortcut on the spiritual path. The journey to wholeness is lifelong.
We walk the path slowly and remind one another that love is waiting for us when we are able to receive it.
The journey is slow and miraculous; and our job is just to keep going, respecting love's power.
A power greater than myself finally brought me to sanity, and it was a special moment because I felt touched by God. I felt it when I entered into the Magdalene community. It didn't last long, but it was long enough for me to know that I was accepted as one of the sisters. It was long enough to see that I didn't have to live with violence, drugs, or abuse. That moment was just the beginning. Then the long time for healing started to set in. I am now in a process that just takes time. It takes time for growth. Now I am living in the time of waiting and watching myself and others grow spiritually.
* * *
Recently at church, I saw one of the very first women of Magdalene walk into the service. This woman had made an impression on me because of her outgoing personality and her songwriting and performing. She had experienced a public reconciliation with her family, and it had had a profound impact on me. She had been on the streets for twenty years. People had thought she would never make it. She had fallen off the wagon a couple of times and gone back on the streets in dramatic fashion. I remember seeing her walking the streets on one of our outreaches after she relapsed.
As I watched her walk into church, I could see she was still fighting back. I couldn't help but think about what a long hard road this is.
CHAPTER 7
Make a Small Change and See the Big Difference
Sometimes the miracle of healing happens so slowly that we fail to notice the great difference in our lives.
Most of the changes in our lives occur in subtle ways. These subtle changes can lead to a difference that is big and profound.
The difference can set us free so we never have to buy or sell pieces of ourselves again to find meaning.
The change for me was to love my thoughts and even my memories. I remember the day I went to church and my grandmother sent me with her blessing, saying, "You must praise the Lord." I am loving that memory. I am praising the little pink dress and white shoes I wore that Sunday. I am praising how big the church doors were and how small I was. That memory may not seem important, but it is enough to change me.
The difference for me was having a home. I had just come out of jail, where I had to bunk with fifty other women. When I walked in, they handed me a key; and I could see a kitchen with pots and pans and plates. I almost dropped to the ground I was so thankful to have that key. I didn't want to lose it. It was small, but it kept me going for a long time until the lessons started taking root in me.
* * *
I stopped apologizing for what I believed. Then I stopped worrying if people thought I was a heretic or disrespectful. Then I started feeling like I could be myself and had more energy to love others. Then I felt excited about the ideas that were forming in my head, and I felt more confident that I could live out my faith honestly in my life. That is a huge change.
CHAPTER 8
Let God Sort It Out
In community our job is not to judge or say, "I told you so." We trust that God will sort things out, so we don't have to second-guess every decision someone else makes.
We are here to love one another in the most radical way possible, without judgment, and to pray that others can love us in the same way.
We give drink to the thirsty, food to the hungry, comfort to the sorrowful, clothing to the naked, and companionship to the imprisoned and dying. We wash one another's feet.
I was alone and scared, looking for a way out. I would get a hit to help the pain, and then I would run again and look for another hit. I would go into the mall and steal clothes to get more money. I even saw my son catch a murder charge on the TV. Now I have taken another chance. I am living in Magdalene.
* * *
It is only by God's grace that I am here at Magdalene. I can remember my last day on the streets. I was feeling so beat and troubled and heavy-hearted, and I got down on my knees and prayed that God would lead me away from crack and selling my body for crack. Well, about one hour later I was arrested for the last time and put in jail. This was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. Thank God for this. I now have five months clean, and I have found courage to keep going. It is a miracle.
It is not a problem to be lost. It is only a problem if you think it is impossible to find your way home.
CHAPTER 9
Stand on New Ground and Believe You Are Not Lost
What we are feeling and experiencing is not a sense of being lost but the wonder of discovering something new.
This is sacred ground. We walk it alone, following the advice of others who have walked before us.
The prayer is to walk this ground in faith and trust that the Spirit leads us toward God.
My past is a land of unwanted, unloved, hard-knock living. My past tastes like a rotten apple that I have to eat because that is all there is, but in this community I am standing on new ground with God. I am standing on new ground that will withstand the earthquakes that I may cause. I am standing on new ground that is humble and filled with hope. I am standing on new ground that is waiting for me to plant my seeds and to spread seedlings around so others can blossom, too. I am standing on new ground because today I choose to walk a different direction. I am not lost. I have found my path.
The old familiar ground was to argue with people I love. I hate fighting, and I hate being so mad; but it takes a long time to learn how to treat people you love differently. It takes a while to find out that what lies below the anger is fear. I really don't think I raise my voice much anymore, but I still have to stop and check myself before I say something that can hurt someone just because I am feeling hurt.
Stepping onto new ground required courage and hope and a belief that things could get better. I didn't feel lost as I took those brave steps. There was companionship and love, though I couldn't immediately accept them. God gently took me by the hand as I made my way. I stood on new ground and yet felt that I had found my way home.
CHAPTER 10
Forgive and Feel Freedom
The scales of justice weigh more heavily on the poor and those who struggle in systems. It has never been fair, and the only way out is to forgive it all.
We are called to forgive all those who have harmed us. We are called to forgive all the harm we have done to ourselves. We are called to forgive all the people we have harmed.
Forgiveness allows us to move forward in peace.
I am from chaos and confusion. I am from my father's lap, crawling down after he's passed out. I am from a pony bottle of Miller Genuine Draft. I am from a closet where I hid from my father. I am from a bathroom watching the blood from the needle shoot to the ceiling. I am from a highway to hell on an early Saturday morning. I am from many schools. I am from dark alleys and early days. I am from my kids crawling out of my lap after I nodded out. I am from the smell of alcohol on many men. I am from addiction. I am from scorched Hamburger Helper that my babies had to eat. I am from March 13th, 2006. I am from a life of one to a life of many. I am from total darkness to pure light. I am from dying to recovering. I am from anger to forgiveness. I am from being nothing to being everything. I am from an addict in bondage to a recovering addict that's free.
* * *
Even though God has forgiven me, I sometimes don't forgive myself for my actions; but it's the only way I am free to be a better mother, sister, and daughter to my family. God has given me the opportunity to be free and to live a productive life today and to recover.
* * *
Sometimes I ask, "Why can't I forgive myself for the hurt and the pain I've caused?" Then I hear my grandmother's whisper in my ear: "Sissie, I have always been so proud to have you to love."
* * *
I have forgiven the man who abused me when I was a child. I can pray for him and hope for wholeness. That didn't come until after crossing a desert of hurt and then fording a river of confusion and confrontation and finally climbing the hill of acceptance; but I am so grateful that I know the sweet taste of forgiveness. I love that I can see that even in that pain there were gifts that I have used in my life. I marvel that part of who I am was born from that experience, and it makes me love the world more.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Find Your Way Home by Becca Stevens. Copyright © 2008 Abingdon Press. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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