Grandma Was Right after All!: Practical Parenting Wisdom from the Good Old Days
240
Grandma Was Right after All!: Practical Parenting Wisdom from the Good Old Days
240Paperback
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781496405913 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Tyndale House Publishers |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2015 |
| Pages: | 240 |
| Sales rank: | 403,970 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.20(h) x 0.70(d) |
About the Author
Jonathan Yen was inspired by the Golden Age of Radio, and while the gold was gone by the time he got there, he's carried that inspiration through to commercial work, voice acting, and stage productions. From vintage Howard Fast science fiction to naturalist Paul Rosolie's true adventures in the Amazon, Jonathan loves to tell a good story.
Read an Excerpt
Grandma Was Right After All!
Practical Parenting Wisdom from the Good Old Days
By John Rosemond
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2015 John RosemondAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4964-0591-3
CHAPTER 1
"Because I Said So"
It's safe to say that the parenting aphorism most associated with the good old days — when children respected adults and adults did not try to be liked by children — is "Because I said so." Sometimes those four words ended with an exclamation point, sometimes they ended with an added "that's why," and sometimes they ended with both.
I heard those four words fairly often when I was a child. So did every other child who grew up in the 1950s. At least, I've yet to meet someone my age who claims to have had parents who did not say these words (although I'm reasonably certain a few someones of the sort do exist). The exchange between parent and child might have gone something like this:
Child: May I have a bowl of ice cream?
Mother: No, you may not.
Child: Why not?
Mother: Because I said so, that's why not.
Child: But why?
Mother: Goats butt.
Child: What does that mean?
Mother: It means you're not having ice cream.
Or the exchange might have involved something a parent told a child to do, as in the following example:
Mother: It's time for you to pick up your toys and put them away.
Child: But why?
Mother: Because I said so.
Child: Ugh! That's not a reason!
Mother: Well, it's the only one you're getting, unless you want me to give your backside a reason.
It is important to note that in both of these examples, the child demands to know the reason behind his mother's decision or instruction precisely because she does not give a reason — she does not explain herself. In the first example, the mother does not say, "No, honey, I'm so sorry, but you can't have ice cream right now because it's too close to dinner." In the second example, the mother does not say, "Sweetie pie, I need to run the vacuum cleaner in here, so I need you to pick up your toys and put them away." The very absence of a reason forces the child to demand (it is not, after all, a polite request) a reason, to demand to know why or why not. In other words, for a parent to say "Because I said so" requires that the parent not explain his or her decisions and instructions.
Unlike parents back in the golden age of child rearing (it was not called parenting back then), today's parents explain themselves. They give their children reasons for the decisions they make and the instructions they convey. And because they explain themselves, they end up having arguments with their children.
In the above ice-cream example, had the mother given a reason for her decision — if she had told her child that he could not have ice cream because dinner was imminent — her child would very likely have come back with "No it's not! I'll still eat my dinner! I promise!" The mother then would have engaged the child in debate, trying to get the child to agree with her that he should not have ice cream when dinner is right around the proverbial corner.
This mother's fantasy child eventually says, "You know, Mom, you're absolutely right. When you explain it like that, I can't help but agree. I mean, any intelligent person would have to agree, and you have that sticker on the back window of your minivan that says I'm in the honors program at school, so yes, because you've made a rational appeal to my outstanding intelligence, I agree that it's not a good idea for me to have ice cream right now. Mom, I love you for many reasons, not the least of which is that you take such care to make sure I eat a balanced diet. Thank you, Mom."
And had the second mother told her child that she wanted him to pick up his toys so she could vacuum, he would very likely have come back with something like "I'm playing! Why do you have to vacuum now? Why can't you wait?"
The mother would then attempt to get the child to agree that vacuuming takes precedence over playing and that due to her many other responsibilities, this is the best time for her to vacuum, and therefore he should happily pick up his toys and put them away.
That mother's fantasy child says, "Say no more, Mom. You've convinced me. I now realize that adult responsibilities are more important than a child's play. That realization is something I will cherish forever, Mom, as I cherish you, and you can believe I am going to do all I can to pass that lesson to my kids. Thank you, Mom."
If the fantasy responses from these two fantasy children sound fantastic to the point of absurdity, it's because they are. No child anywhere or in any historical time has ever said anything along those lines to a parent. Granted, some children, as adults, come back to their parents and thank them for raising them so well. Both of my kids did that in their early twenties. But it took them becoming adults to understand and appreciate an adult point of view.
Reasons, Schmeasons
Today's parents believe that children deserve reasons. That is, after all, what the parenting experts have been telling parents since the 1960s. And so, today's parents explain themselves to their children — they give reasons. And so, their children argue. It's a fundamental cause-and-effect relationship: explanations cause arguments. My point is that arguments between parent and child occur not because children have some "argumentative gene" or "argumentative biochemical" in their bodies or because the part of the brain that governs respectful obedience is yet underdeveloped, but simply because parents give reasons and explanations. Those reasons and explanations stimulate pushback in the form of children telling parents that their reasons and explanations don't wash, that they aren't good enough. At that point, parents begin defending their reasons and explanations; thus, arguments between parents and children abound.
To summarize: in the absence of reasons and explanations, children have nothing to push back against; thus, no arguments between parents and children. Simple, isn't it?
A woman once told me she had a pronounced negative reaction to the thought of saying "Because I said so" because her parents had often screamed those four words at her with an implied threat of soon-to-come violence. I had to agree that her parents had misused the "Because I said so" privilege. But her parents' mistake does not mean those four words are invalid. It should go without saying that "Because I said so" should not be screamed at a child or said in a threatening tone of voice, but then that applies to anything parents say. In other words, simply because some parents wrap those four words in a rigid, unreasonable, threatening attitude, they are not, in and of themselves, rigid, unreasonable, and threatening. My thesaurus gives the following synonyms for reasonable: sensible, rational, logical, and practical. And indeed, "Because I said so" is all of that.
First, it is the truth. The parent has made a decision. The parent has conveyed the decision — "you cannot," "I will not," or "you will" — to the child. Therefore, at the most basic of levels, "Because I said so" is simply a statement of fact.
Second, "Because I said so" stops the potential for argument dead in its deadly tracks. As I said above, when a parent refuses to explain, the child has nothing with which to manufacture an argument. The child's inclination to argue hits a stone wall. This is good, because when parents and children argue, no one profits.
Third, "Because I said so" reflects a ubiquitous social reality: to wit, people in positions of authority are not required to explain themselves to the people over whom they have authority. This applies to military officers, teachers, college professors, workplace managers, and business owners. Children who enter adulthood already having accepted that social reality — having become accustomed to it courtesy of their parents — hold a distinct advantage over the children who enter adulthood believing — again, courtesy of their parents — that they deserve reasons and explanations whenever they are given an instruction or are informed of a rule or a boundary.
It is a reality that even in a democratic society, authority figures frequently make arbitrary decisions. A boss decides things are going to be done this way rather than that way; that the line is going to be drawn in one place rather than another; that the standard will be based on this measure as opposed to that one; and so on. Why? Because the boss says so, that's why. That is a boss's prerogative. And that's that, until the boss changes his or her mind or a new boss comes along.
A prime example of what I'm saying just occurred to me because I happen to be writing this chapter on April 15 — Tax Day. On this date I pay to the government a certain percentage of my income. I do not determine said percentage; the government does. Furthermore, I do not pay income tax because I think the United States government deserves the money. In fact, the government has consistently failed to demonstrate good stewardship of my hard-earned money. In my estimation (and the estimation of many), the United States government is fiscally irresponsible. If a business was run the way our elected representatives run the country, the business would go belly up in less than six months.
I do not want to pay what the Internal Revenue Service says I owe. No government official has ever given me a good reason why I should pay what I pay. Yet I pay it nonetheless. Why? Because "they" say so. Period. End of story.
Likewise, about four of every five parental decisions are founded on nothing more substantial than arbitrary personal predilection. The Wilsons do not allow their kids to have non-organic food; the Smiths do. Both sets of kids are healthy, well behaved, and do well in school. Therefore, the Wilsons cannot defend their prohibition by pointing to some better outcome. Nonetheless, it is legitimate for them to deny their children food that is not certified organic. And when their children ask why they are denied foods the Smith kids enjoy, the most honest answer Mr. and Mrs. Wilson can give is "Because we say so."
Not only do today's parents feel obligated to explain themselves to their children, they also seem to believe that their explanations must satisfy and pacify the children in question. Consequently, those explanations take on a persuasive, pleading, even apologetic, character. Implicit in this is the absolutely absurd idea that parents don't have a right to enforce a decision unless (a) it can be supported by reasons other than personal preference, (b) the children understand those reasons, and (c) the children agree with them. This perspective causes lots of unnecessary pain for both parents and kids.
Now, hear me clearly. I'm not saying that parents should never give reasons to children; I'm saying that parents should make no attempt to reason with children, and there is a big difference between the two. Reasoning is the futile attempt to persuade your children that your point of view is valid. Let's face it: your children will understand your point of view when they themselves are parents and no sooner. If you want to explain yourself, then by all means do so. But don't expect your children to agree. When they don't, simply say, "I'm not asking you to agree. If I were you, I wouldn't agree with me either. You have my permission to disagree, but you don't have my permission to disobey." In other words, children do what they are told, not because their parents succeed at providing an explanation that smooths their ruffled feathers, but simply because they've been told. So even in the act of giving reasons, the bottom line is still "Because I said so."
The Bible Tells Me So!
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. — EPHESIANS 6:1
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. — COLOSSIANS 3:20, NIV
One Sunday when Willie and I were visiting a church in the mountains of North Carolina, the pastor happened to be preaching on parenting. It quickly became obvious that he had been greatly influenced by psychological theory because his sermon could have been taken right out of my college child development textbook. He was talking about how important it is for parents to help their kids develop high self-esteem and how children need lots of attention and praise. Toward the end of his sermon, he said, "I don't think it's right for a parent to say, 'Because I said so.'" Willie and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows. Had this pastor never read Ephesians 6:1 or Colossians 3:20? Those passages simply instruct children to obey, and the only reason given is because a child's obedience is pleasing to God.
A parent's authority is assigned by God. As such, a parent is called to reflect God's unconditional love and unequivocal authority. It is a sufficient reason for us to obey God because he is the one holy and almighty God — because he says so. That is, therefore, a sufficient reason why a child should obey his or her parents (assuming that they honor God in their parenting). Note that Paul does not say that children should obey their parents because their parents provide good reasons. Rather, children should obey "in everything" simply because that's the way God wants it. Children who experience the joy of obedience to their parents are taking a huge first step toward experiencing the joy of obedience to God.
To Ponder and Discuss
Do you often feel obligated to give your children "good" reasons for the decisions you make and the instructions you give them? If so, can you identify the social and cultural factors that have caused you to try to reason with your kids? Do you find yourself engaging in frequent unproductive arguments with your kids? Are you ready to reclaim your authority and stop arguing with children who are only satisfied when they win?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Grandma Was Right After All! by John Rosemond. Copyright © 2015 John Rosemond. Excerpted by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction xi
Chapter 1 "Because I Said So" 1
Chapter 2 "Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard" 11
Chapter 3 "You Made This Bed, and Now You're Going to Have to Lie in It" 23
Chapter 4 "You Are a Little Fish in a Big Pond" 31
Chapter 5 "I Knew If I Gave You Enough Rope, You'd Hang Yourself" 39
Chapter 6 "You Have to Learn to Stand on Your Own Two Feet" 47
Chapter 7 "You Will Have to Learn Your Lessons the Hard Way" 55
Chapter 8 "Every Child Has a Mind of His Own" 63
Chapter 9 "Life's Not Fair" 73
Chapter 10 "You're Acting Too Big for Your Britches" 87
Chapter 11 "Good Citizenship Begins at Home" 95
Chapter 12 "Count Your Blessings" 109
Chapter 13 "You Can't Hoodoo the Hoodoo Man" 117
Chapter 14 "Money Doesn't Grow on Trees" 125
Chapter 15 "I'm Only Going to Say This Once" 131
Chapter 16 "Lower the Boom!" 141
Chapter 17 "Snips and Snails … and Sugar and Spice …" 151
Chapter 18 "If All Your Friends Jumped Off a Cliff, Would You Follow Them?" 159
Chapter 19 "I'm Going to Let You Stew in Your Own Juices" 165
Chapter 20 Tm Going to Nip It in the Bud" 171
Chapter 21 "Ask Them No Questions, and They'll Tell You No Lies" 177
Chapter 22 "Tm Going to Keep This Short 'n Sweet" 185
Chapter 23 "You're Too Smart for Your Own Good" 189
Chapter 24 "Give 'em an Inch, and They'll Want a Mile" 195
Conclusion: Oh, and One More Thing 201
About the Author 205
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