"He Chose Porn over Me": Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn

by Melinda Tankard Reist (Editor)

Overview

"He chose porn over me. Porn killed my marriage. It killed my trust. It destroyed my sense of self and understanding of true intimacy" —Courtney

Shattering the popular myth that porn is harmless, the personal accounts of 25 brave women in "He Chose Porn over Me" reveal the real-life trauma experienced by women at the hands of their porn-consuming partners—men who were supposed to care for them. This confronting but necessary book dares to tell the truth about pornography’s destructive impact—about the men who habitually use it and the women and children who are mistreated and discarded as a result. The women in this book were collateral damage in their partner’s insatiable greed for porn. Their stories tell of the crushing of intimacy, respect, connection, love. Porn colonised their families, leaving women rejected and scarred. They were subjected to sexual terrorism in their own homes. The men, turbo-charged by pornography, were intoxicated by sexualised power. They didn’t care if they lost everything including their partners. In this haunting exposé, pornography is rightfully situated as an insidious tool of violence against women.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781925950588
Publisher:	Spinifex Press
Publication date:	09/06/2022
Pages:	208
Sales rank:	758,264
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Melinda Tankard Reist is an author, speaker, media commentator, blogger and advocate for young people. She is best known for her work addressing sexualisation, objectification, harms of pornography, sexual exploitation, trafficking and violence against women. Melinda is author/editor of six previous books including Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls (Spinifex Press, 2009), Big Porn Inc: Exposing the Harms of the Global Pornography Industry (Spinifex Press, 2011, co-edited with Dr Abigail Bray) and Prostitution Narratives: Stories of Survival in the Sex Trade (Spinifex Press, 2016 co-edited with Caroline Norma). Melinda is co-founder and Movement Director of the grassroots campaigning movement, Collective Shout: for a world free of sexploitation, exposing corporations, advertisers and marketers who objectify women and sexualise girls to sell products and services. An Ambassador for World Vision Australia, Compassion Australia, HagarNZ and the youth mentoring body the Raise Foundation, Melinda is also Senior Lecturer in the Centre for Culture and Ethics, Notre Dame University, Sydney.

Table of Contents

Introduction Melinda Tankard Reist 1

He chose porn over me. Courtney CatEarth 29

He used me like a blow-up doll. Florence 33

The pornography warped his mind. He believed all women wanted to have sex with him. Sarah 39

I left my first husband because of porn. My second husband promised he didn't use it. He lied. Catherine 43

They looked like his students. Ceratonia 49

How can he say he loves me if he finds the women in porn more attractive? Amalia 53

I longed for intimacy, but he could not have sex without imagining that I was a prostitute. Annie 59

I lost touch with my integrity, I lost ray bearings. Sharni 67

I was being groomed to become a porn star in the bedroom. Maggie 73

If you stay … a glimpse into your future if you marry a porn addict. Sarah McDugal 77

You've burned down my house and everything in it. Ginger 83

He tried to kill me. Moriah 91

Porn, sex chat rooms, nude beaches … but I was blamed for the end of our marriage. Maya 107

The compromise to my integrity and my value as a woman felt too great to continue this life with him. Carla 113

I am a broken woman … I guess he's happy enough with his digital girls. Evelyn 119

I was disturbed that I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed getting off on abuse and hatred of women. Gemma 123

I knew in my heart that staying would be a slow, agonising death. Serena 127

I felt blackmailed into sex to keep a stable home for my children. I saw myself as a prostitute. Lucy 135

He expected me to be up for sex at any time. Rivka 143

Blood rushed to my face, my body went cold: I found multiple searches for 'teen porn'. Angle 147

I had always taught my kids about stranger danger, but I had a monster in our home. Maree 151

I was told it was my fault. Somehow he became the victim. Kate 155

He told me I was being unreasonable, that all men watch porn, and that all men masturbate … Renee 163

Run like your house is on fire. Melissa 167

He expected me to be available for him, even if I was sick, tired, had my period, recovering from surgery or having a baby. Tash 173

Glossary 181

Resources 185

Acknowledgements 191

Editorial Reviews

"Occasionally a book comes along that changes the way we think about the world. "He Chose Porn Over Me”: Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn is such a book. Reading the stories of women whose partners chose porn is both heartbreaking and enraging, and can not be ignored. This book should light a fire under the anti-porn movement so we organize to rid the world of this misogynist, multi-billion- dollar predatory industry. Women deserve no less!" —Gail Dines PhD, Professor Emerita of Sociology, President: Culture Reframed

"Thank goodness for this very much needed and extremely powerful book. The development of the porn industry has transformed the relations between the sexes. The advances women made have been severely undermined by the introduction of the rules of the brothel, contempt, misogyny, sexual abuse, to the lives and relationships of the women whose male partners are the consumers. We hear a lot about the poor men who are sex addicted or find their lives negatively affected. But of the women who suffer, almost nothing until this powerful exposé. Porn use needs to be understood as a serious aspect of men’s violence against women in the home. Not only are women’s relationships and sex lives destroyed, but they are also made responsible for trying to change the men. They are the ones who have to find counsellors for partners who have no interest in change. They have to nag and cajole until the abuse is too much and they must leave. Then they may lose custody of their children, their homes, and face poverty. This book will do a great service of warning women and helping them decide to leave. I hope it will spur the feminist campaigns for the abolition of pornography too!" —Sheila Jeffreys, author of Penile Imperialism: The Male Sex Right and Women’s Subordination and Trigger Warning: My Lesbian Feminist Life

"To read “He Chose Porn Over Me” is a heartbreaking roller-coaster. The testimonies are diverse, but the message is the same: when men use porn, women and children suffer. The bravery and clarity these women offer on the real impact of pornography on relationships, families, sexual intimacy, physical safety and emotional connection, is groundbreaking. Melinda’s thorough and astute research and commentary demonstrates that we urgently need to view porn as the pervasive and destructive weapon it is, and work together to teach our children about safe, respectful and loving sexuality." —Anna McGahan, actor and playwright

"It’s impossible to count the number of victims produced by the allegedly ‘victimless’ activities in the sexual-exploitation industries. “He Chose Porn Over Me” documents the incredible pain and suffering – psychological and often physical – of women whose partners are compulsive pornography users. The stories collected by Melinda Tankard Reist are heart-breaking, both for the women who endured the abuse and for readers willing to look honestly at men’s controlling and corrosive behaviour. But these stories also remind us of how women’s courage and resilience provide a way out of abusive relationships." —Robert Jensen, emeritus professor, University of Texas at Austin, author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men

"In “He Chose Porn Over Me” Melinda Tankard Reist has pulled back the curtain on the too-often secret and misunderstood lives of the partners who are impacted by men’s porn use. She gives voice to these women who have had their hearts broken, trust shattered and lives turned upside down, enabling them to tell the stories they have kept silent about for so long. This book is an important documentation of the real relational and emotional harm caused to so many by compulsive sexual behaviours by men. I applaud Melinda and all the brave women who shared their stories." —Paul Lavergne, Psychotherapist, Sexual Recovery Therapist, Educator, Trainer, and Creator of The Damage Control Protocol

From the Publisher