Healing the Empty Nester's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Parents After the Kids Move Out, Go Off to College, or Start Taking Flight

by Alan Wolfelt

Overview

You've spent most of your adult life focused on the care and raising of your children, and now they're leaving. For you and for them, this major transition is often challenging in many ways. You may feel surprised at the power of your grief—a confusing mixture of sadness, hope, emptiness, fear, excitement, and other emotions all at once. This book by one of the world's most beloved grief counselors helps parents understand their normal and necessary empty nester grief. The 100 practical tips and activities are designed to help you acknowledge and express your feelings of loss, foster love and respect, and, over time, find ways to re-instill your life with meaning. Advice is also offered for nurturing a marriage or partnership through this challenging time.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781617222504
Publisher:	Companion Press
Publication date:	05/01/2017
Series:	Healing Your Grieving Heart series
Pages:	128
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.40(d)

About the Author

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a speaker, grief counselor, and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. He is the author of Understanding Your Grief, Healing Your Grieving Heart, and The Mourner's Book of Hope, among many other bestselling titles on healing in grief. He lives in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

MAKE PLANS FOR THE BIG DAY

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

— Elizabeth Stone

• If you'll be taking your child to college or helping him move into his first apartment, you have an opportunity to prepare yourself beforehand for the emotions the day will bring.

• Think ritual. Most other similarly momentous life-transition days have a structure to help us get through them. Weddings, for example, usually include roles for the parents to play, such as walking the bride down the aisle, the mother-son or father-daughter dance, gift-giving, and toast-making.

• Consider creating small rituals for your child's moving day. For instance, you might write a letter to your child ahead of time and leave it on her pillow in her new room. The process of writing this letter will help you express your thoughts and feelings, and maybe shed a few tears. On moving day you'll be freer to focus on the chaos and physical demands of lugging boxes and last-minute shopping.

• Other ritual ideas for moving day: a celebration meal at a special restaurant; presenting your child with a wrapped, token or handmade gift; printing out a special poem and tacking it on his bulletin board; packing a care package ahead of time and hiding it in her closet for her to discover later (you can always text a clue!); framing a small print of a family photo and placing it on your child's dresser before you leave; and taking a series of snapshots or short video clips on moving day so you can make a social-media collage or video when you get home.

CARPE DIEM

If moving day's still ahead of you, make plans and add deadlines to your calendar so you'll be ready. If moving day's behind you, you can still frame a family photo and give it to your child as a "just-because" gift.

CHAPTER 2

PRACTICE OWNING — AND COMMUNICATING — YOUR GRIEF

"As a parent, it's my responsibility to equip my child to do this — to grieve when grief is necessary and to realize that life is still profoundly beautiful and worth living despite the fact that we inevitably lose one another."

— Sam Harris

• You wake up today, and you're just feeling sad. You enter your child's empty bedroom to retrieve something, and now you're even sadder. You're experiencing your grief. It's not fun, but it's true. Your grief is normal and necessary. It's your reality right now.

• Your coworker picks up on your mood and asks what's wrong. If you answer, "Oh nothing. I'm fine," you're not owning your grief. You're denying it. Instead, try, "I'm feeling blue because Jaimie's not home." Let the conversation unspool naturally from there.

• Ask your partner or a friend for a hug because you're feeling sad. Put your thoughts and emotions into words. Encourage your partner to express his or her thoughts and emotions too.

• If you have other kids at home, find moments to connect with them individually. Ask how they're doing. Let them know how you're doing. Be honest and loving.

CARPE DIEM

Say your grief out loud to someone today. Be honest and forthcoming about precisely what you're feeling.

CHAPTER 3

ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS

"I've perfected the art of the fake smile. It's not so difficult when you are completely numb."

— Bethany Griffin

• Often, the first feeling we experience during or after a loss of any kind is numbness. We may feel shocked and in disbelief. This is nature's way of protecting us from the full force of a difficult reality all at once.

• Don't be surprised if you feel numb or even apathetic for a while. It doesn't mean you don't love or miss the child who's moved out; it just means it's such a new and surprising experience to your psyche that it might take some time for deeper feelings to bubble to the surface.

• Denial is a close relative of shock, numbness, and disbelief. Because we as a culture aren't very good at grief, we tend to encourage people to deny their true thoughts and feelings of loss. Are you having any twinges that you're suppressing? Are you finding yourself avoiding talking to others about your child's departure? Are you staying away from the empty bedroom so you don't have to think about it? These are all signs of denial, and while shock and numbness are normal and protective for a short period of time, ongoing denial will only result in long-term emotional problems such as anxiety and depression. You need to feel it to heal it.

CARPE DIEM

If you're feeling numb, cancel any optional commitments and cozy up at home until you feel ready to emerge again.

CHAPTER 4

UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR CHILD IS ALSO GRIEVING

"Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement, and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent."

— Bob Keeshan

• When it comes time to leave home, some children seem excited, and some seem scared. Some call, text, or visit home frequently; others, barely at all.

• No matter where your child's behavior falls on this continuum, however, she is almost certainly grieving inside to some extent. Even if she's thrilled about her new living arrangements, she is undoubtedly also experiencing pangs of loss. She might be missing old friends, her old school or workplace, her old room, pets, siblings, and yes, you.

• The six needs of mourning we'll soon review (Ideas 6 to 11) apply to your grieving child too. He also needs to learn to acknowledge and embrace painful feelings, integrate remembering into living, figure out his changing self-identity, find ways to stay connected with the meaningful parts of his "old life," and accept help from others. When you heap these tasks on top of all his other life demands, he has a lot on his plate.

• You can help your child learn to cope with all of life's challenges by openly expressing your own feelings and by accepting hers without judging or trying to fix them. It's normal for us as parents to want to solve our children's problems, but now that our children are young adults, we help best by being role models, mentors, and advisors — not fix-it-uppers.

CARPE DIEM

Be a mentor in grief. Let your child know you're feeling blue about her leaving.

CHAPTER 5

PRACTICE BREATHING IN AND OUT

"Breath is the link between mind and body."

— Dan Brule

• Sometimes what we need most is just to "be." In our goal-oriented society, many of us have lost the knack for simply living.

• Drop all your plans and obligations for today and do nothing.

• Meditate if meditation helps center you. Find someplace quiet, be still, close your eyes and focus on breathing in and out. Relax your muscles. Listen to your own heartbeat.

• Breathing opens you up. Your grief may have closed you down. The power of breath helps to fill your empty spaces. The old wisdom of "count to ten" is all about taking a breath to open up space for something else to happen.

• Consciously breathe in and out; you can slow the world down and touch the edges of your true self.

CARPE DIEM

Right now, try this basic breathing exercise: Sit still, close your eyes, and begin to breathe through your nose. Inhale for a count of three, hold the breath for a count of one, exhale gently to a count of four, then hold the breath out for a count of one. Repeat five times.

CHAPTER 6

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 1. Acknowledge that children leaving home is a significant life transition and loss

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around — and why his parents will always wave back."

— William D. Tammeus

• One of the main purposes of this book is to affirm that empty-nester grief is real and justified. For parents, children leaving home is a significant life transition. It leaves many losses in its wake.

• While empty-nest grief is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual — the guide that caregivers use to diagnose mental health problems — it's still a common, nameable challenge. And no, it's not a disorder! It's not "unhealthy"! It's simply normal, natural, and necessary grief.

• Yet empty-nest grief tends to be minimized in our culture. We sometimes shame mothers and fathers who struggle with their children leaving home. We imply that if they're grieving, they're overly and unhealthily attached. That is generally not true.

• If you are experiencing difficult thoughts and feelings over your child taking flight, you are grieving. You are normal. Your grief is necessary. You should not feel ashamed.

CARPE DIEM

Today, talk to someone you know to be compassionate about your normal, necessary empty-nester grief.

CHAPTER 7

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 2. Learn to embrace the pain

"People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

— Jim Morrison

• One of your most important tasks in the weeks and months ahead is learning to befriend the pain you feel over your child gaining independence. You must lean into your pain instead of turning away from it.

• Sounds counterintuitive, right? That's because our culture misunderstands the role of pain and suffering. We mistakenly believe that everyone should try to feel all happy, all the time. We think emotional pain is bad, which is why, when Sue and I took Megan to her out-of-state college orientation her freshman year, the school psychologist advised us parents to "buck up" and "carry on." Bad advice.

• The truth is that emotional pain is often necessary. Like physical pain, emotional pain is there for a reason. It's trying to teach us something. We can't and shouldn't try to go around it. As Robert Frost famously wrote, "The best way out is always through."

• Always remember that your pain is part of your love for your child. How can you not cherish it?

• When you are feeling your empty-nester grief, allow yourself to feel it. Sit with it and let it move through you. Cry if you feel like crying. Tell someone what you're feeling. Feel it so that you can take a step toward healing it.

CARPE DIEM

Set aside 15 minutes today to sit with your pain. Be present to your thoughts and feelings, whatever they are.

CHAPTER 8

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 3. Remember your life together with your child so far

"When you have brought up kids, there are memories you store directly in your tear ducts."

— Robert Brault

• There are times in our lives when we naturally pause to take stock of all that has come before. This is one of those times. We naturally look back before we look forward.

• To prepare for their children's high school graduations, parents often pull out snapshots from throughout their children's lives and arrange them in photo albums, memory boxes, poster displays, and videos. It's instinctual, this need to review the story and see all its parts and pieces in one place.

• Working on memory tasks will help you acknowledge your empty-nester grief and embrace the pain. Any completed albums, books, or videos will also help your child move from this chapter of his life to the next.

• Sit down with your child and look over photos and videos together if possible. Sharing your intermingled grief and joy in this manner will help tie a strong knot in your relationship and your joint stories so far — a knot that both of you will hold onto as you continue to climb.

CARPE DIEM

Spend some time with photos or videos of your child today. During or after, talk to someone about any thoughts and feelings that arise.

CHAPTER 9

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 4. Work on your changing self-identity

"The one thing about being a parent is the ability to be selfless: to give up the things you want and need for the benefit of someone else."

— Danny McBride

• This is a major mourning need for empty-nester parents. When our children leave home, we lose many roles, responsibilities, and connections that shaped who we have been over the past two decades. These losses often throw us into disarray.

• Who are we now, if we're not first and foremost the parents of (fill in your child's name here)? What will take the place of all those responsibilities and connections we used to have? What do we want to do with the rest of our lives?

• It will probably take a long time for us to find answers to these questions. Along the way, we'll be mourning the loss of our old identities. There's no rush or timetable we have to meet. Let's keep in mind that the journey is what it's all about.

• I hope that in addition to the pain, you also feel the glimmers of hope and excitement that I do over the possibilities of the years to come. Our changing self-identities can accommodate all kinds of thoughts and feelings — sad, happy, scared, excited, everything.

CARPE DIEM

How are you feeling today about your self-identity? Share your thoughts and feelings with someone who cares about you.

CHAPTER 10

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 5. Find new ways to connect with your child

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"

— A.A. Milne

• When our children leave home, we lose our daily connections with them. Even though they've been busy teenagers, with lives of their own, we still got to see them regularly. We might have had dinner, watched TV, or played with the dog together. We also shared special times, like meals out or shopping trips. Now that they're no longer under the same roof with us, we often feel disconnected from them, which rouses our grief.

• Learning to live with that new disconnection is part of our grief. It's a change and a loss. We must find ways to mourn it openly and fully. We must become reconciled to it.

• But finding new ways to connect with our young adult children is also part of our journey. How will we communicate with each other? How often? When will we see them? Consider the past meaning of your life with your child, and look to the future to build on top of that foundation of meaning.

• As with all major life transitions, this one will naturally take some time to sort itself out. There are no "right ways" to do it. All we as parents can offer is our unconditional love as our children work on establishing their independence. And as we find new, precious ways to connect, if only for a few short minutes or hours here and there, we can learn new ways to treat them as the lifelong treasures they are.

CARPE DIEM

Call, text, or write your child right now and let him know you're thinking about him.

CHAPTER 11

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 6. Accept help from others

"Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."

— Brené Brown

• Parents are usually the helpers, right? If you need something done, ask a mom or a dad, the saying goes. We're good at multitasking, organizing, doing, and helping others.

• But now ... now we're the ones who need the help. That can be a hard thing to admit and accept. After all, we just spent the last 20-odd years being super humans.

• Surrendering to our normal and necessary grief means acknowledging that we have been laid low by it. We're not invincible after all. We're tender, and we're hurting.

• Accepting help from others during our time of empty-nester grief means allowing them to take care of us. We will gratefully accept their companionship. We will talk and let them listen. We will also let them take on the responsibilities of multitasking, organizing, and doing for the time being. Right now, we need to take off our capes and rest for a while.

CARPE DIEM

Reach out to someone today and let them know you need their help and companionship.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Healing the Empty Nester's Grieving Heart"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D..
Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Introduction 1

1 Make plans for the big day 7

2 Practice owning-and communicating-your grief 8

3 Allow for numbness 9

4 Understand that your child is also grieving 10

5 Practice breathing in and out 11

6 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 1. Acknowledge that children leaving home is a significant life transition and loss 12

7 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 2. Learn to embrace the pain 13

8 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 3. Remember your life together with your child so far 14

9 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 4. Work on your changing self-identity 15

10 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 5. Find new ways to connect with your child 16

11 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 6: Accept help from others 17

12 Respect and communicate with your partner 18

13 Don't forget your other children 19

14 Start an empty-nest journal 20

15 Do nothing 21

16 If you're divorced, know that empty-nester grief can be more complicated 22

17 If you're a single parent, seek extra support 23

18 If you've been a stay-at-home parent, be extra-compassionate with yourself 24

19 If your child is an only, know that empty-nester grief can be more complicated 25

20 If you're a mother going through hormonal changes, work with your healthcare provider 26

21 Inventory your losses 27

22 Develop ways to wrangle the worry 28

23 Put together a small photo album or photo book for your child 29

24 Harness the power of intention 30

25 Cocoon 31

26 Embrace fear 32

27 Relearn how to take care of yourself 33

28 Make a plan for the first special days without your child 34

29 Ignore hurtful advice 35

30 Give your child some space 36

31 Declare your values 37

32 Notice five things 38

33 Practice spontaneity 39

34 Find ways to cope with the loneliness 40

35 Be on the watch for old griefs 41

36 Know that your body will grieve too 42

37 Give yourself time 43

38 Go off the deep end 44

39 Be aware of "borrowed tears" 45

40 Acknowledge your grief over your own aging 46

41 Seek help if you may be clinically depressed 47

42 Create new ways of connecting 48

43 Explore any regrets 49

44 Allow for resentment 50

45 Put plans on the calendar 51

46 Rebuild friendships 52

47 Recommit to (or rethink) your partner 53

48 Practice living in the now 54

49 Reacquaint yourself with you 55

50 Understand the difference between clean and dirty pain 56

51 Make time for spirituality 57

52 Leverage technology 58

53 Make friends with the empty bedroom 59

54 Believe in the power of "and" 60

55 Practice thinking, "I want…" 61

56 Renew intimacy 62

57 Consider your career 63

58 Build new communities 64

59 Reconsider the "empty" in "empty nest" 65

60 Think momentum 66

61 Ask yourself: "What gives me joy? 67

62 Be grateful for your grief 68

63 Celebrate your heritage 69

64 Start new traditions 70

65 Spend your precious time on what really matters 71

66 Take lessons 72

67 Reconnect with your siblings 73

68 Dangle a carrot 74

69 Find the humor 75

70 Fix something 76

71 Work through dashed expectations or broken dreams 77

72 Expand your life to intersect with your independent child's 78

73 Empty the empty nest 79

74 Surround yourself with positivity 80

75 Review your finances 81

76 Spend more time with your own parents 82

77 Consider where you want to live 83

78 Say thank you 84

79 Get a kid fix 85

80 Enjoy what the earth has to offer 86

81 Work through estrangement 87

82 Let your hair down 88

83 Throw an empty-nest party 89

84 Beware of pressure-cooker syndrome 90

85 Take a digital reckoning 91

86 Act "as if" 92

87 See the world anew 93

88 Recapture your listening skills 94

89 Adopt a pet 95

90 Take a gap year 96

91 Savor the flavor of dining without kids 97

92 Date your partner 98

93 Move plans to the front burner 99

94 Grow yourself 100

95 Get ready to catch the boomerang 101

96 Imagine yourself at 96 102

97 Say the unsaid 103

98 Celebrate your parenting success 104

99 Know that parenting never ends 105

100 Place a photo where you'll see it often 106

A Final Word 107