Holding Tight-Letting Go: Raising Healthy Kids in AnxiousTimes

by Benjamin D. Garber

Overview

When to hold on; when to let go—a constant dilemma of parenthood. This timely book examines the balance between these powerful dynamics. How parents can instill confidence and security in children and how professionals can recognize and respond when this process goes awry. Holding too long and too tight? Letting go too soon and too easily? Includes down-to-earth descriptions of family systems and identity development and guidance on remaining an emotional anchor in children's lives as they launch toward independence.

Psychologist Benjamin Garber is author of Keeping Kids Out of the Middle and Developmental Psychology for Family Law Professionals.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781936268900
Publisher:	High Conflict Institute Press
Publication date:	04/05/2016
Pages:	198
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Ben Garber is a husband, son and the father of two. He is a New Hampshire licensed psychologist, a former Guardian ad litem and a Parenting Coordinator. He is an invited speaker and professional trainer across the United States and Canada, a prolific writer and a closet cartoonist.

Dr. Garber has advanced degrees in child and family development, clinical psychology, and psycholinguistics from the Pennsylvania State Universityand the University of Michigan. He has lived and worked in New Hampshire since 1988, opening his present practice in clinical child, family, forensic and consulting psychology in 1999.

When not engaged in professional activities or involved with family matters, Dr. Garber can often be found kayaking and fishing on the remote lakes and rivers of Northern New England and occasionally scuba diving in warmer waters to the south.

Dr. Garber is a nationally renowned speaker, researcher and an award winning freelance journalist, writing in the areas of child and family development for popular press publications appearing around the world and in juried professional publications in both law and psychology.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

On Ages and Stages 2

A Word about Words 3

1 Taking Off the Training Wheels 7

Real and Imagined Dangers 12

Terror 14

Practical Pointer: Being Prepared but Not Anxious 15

2 Drip, Drip 17

Practical Pointer: We All Must Return to the Ocean Now and Then 21

3 On Becoming an Anchor 23

Practical Pointer: Are We Too Anchored? 26

4 Taking My Act on the Road 29

Transitional Objects 30

Transitional Affiliations 33

Facilitated Letting Go 36

Practical Pointer: Digital Due Diligence 39

5 The Power of Anxiety 41

When the Anchor Isn't Secure 44

The Circle of Security® 48

Practical Pointer: Learning to Manage Anxiety 49

6 The Meaning of Mad 51

A Quick Lesson on the Development of Emotion 54

Practical Pointer: When Feelings Overwhelm Thinking 58

7 On Structure and Parachutes 59

Practical Pointer: Negotiating Structures 64

8 Oiling the Wheels before They Squeak 65

Squeaky Wheel Parenting 69

Accidental Rewards and Unintended Punishments 70

One Final Word about Limits and Consequences 73

Practical Pointer: Rewards Must Be Earned; Resources Must Be Free 74

9 Boundaries 75

Childhood Boundaries 78

Facilitated Separation 83

Bounded Body, Bounded Mind 84

Private Parts 85

On Cynicism, Safety, and Boundaries 87

Practical Pointer: Holding Tight, Holding Tighter 88

10 Routines and Rituals 89

Creating Routines 94

Bedtime, Letting Go, and Routines 95

School Resistance and Refusal 97

Practical Pointer: When Routines Become Compulsions 99

11 MPG: How Many Miles Do You Get to Each Hug? 101

It Takes a Village 105

Practical Pointer: Don't Forget to Rotate the Tires and Change the Oil 107

12 Refilling the Fuel Pumps 109

"In Case of a Loss of Cabin Pressure..." 112

The Lesson of "No" 114

Practical Pointer: All Things in Moderation 116

13 Identity Distorted 117

The Adultified and Parentified Child 118

The Infantilized Child 121

Failure to Launch 122

Practical Pointer: Cutting the Anchor Line? 123

14 Personality Ordered and Disordered 125

Reactive Attachment Disorder 128

Personality Disordered 129

Personality (Dis)ordered by Degree 131

Practical Pointer: One Kind of Help-Dialectical Behavior Therapy 134

15 Broken Triangles 135

The Complications of Divorce 138

Practical Pointer: It's Not Your Time: It's the Child's Time in Your Care 139

16 Caught in the Middle 141

The Chameleon Child 143

The Polarized Child 144

Solutions 145

Practical Pointer: Take the High Road 146

17 Higher and Hired Powers 147

Pets 148

Psychotherapy 148

Religion 150

Practical Pointer: Sophie's Choice 151

18 The Empty Nest 153

Who Are Your Anchors? 155

Apex and Apogee 156

Practical Pointer: Holding Tight by Proxy 159

19 Full Circle 161

Child as Anchor 163

Practical Pointer: Death, Religion, and Letting Go 165

20 ONE 167

Index of Topics 177