How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character
304
How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character
304Paperback(Revised)
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Overview
- Developing healthy dialogue with your kids
- How and when to explain the details of sex
- Preparing for the physical changes of puberty
- Preparing for dating, romance, and sexual attraction
- Encouraging a commitment to chastity and sexual health
- What to do if you’re getting a late start telling your kids about sex
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781631469442 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Tyndale House Publishers |
| Publication date: | 08/06/2019 |
| Series: | God's Design for Sex |
| Edition description: | Revised |
| Pages: | 304 |
| Sales rank: | 280,021 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.70(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
The Big Picture: Preparing Healthy, Godly Adults
SEX IS A GIFT from God — a frequently misunderstood, misused, and squandered gift, but a gift nonetheless! Our sexuality can be a tremendous blessing when that gift is understood through the Word of God and lived out in submission to him.
When thinking about sex education, many parents focus their goals too narrowly and negatively on avoiding sexual promiscuity, sexually transmitted infections (STIs; sometimes STDs for diseases), pregnancies, abortions, and so forth. While it is good to protect children from the damage that illicit and irresponsible sex can cause, this goal is too small, too limited, and too narrow. Why only prevent the negative? Why not give children something profoundly positive when discussing sex and sexuality?
Our ambitious but reachable goal is to equip and empower children to enter adulthood capable of living godly, wholesome, and fulfilled lives as Christian men and women, whether as Christian singles or Christian wives and hus- bands. We want to prepare them to become the kinds of
• single adults who, whether single for a substantial season before they marry or for their entire lives, live full and meaningful lives as sexual persons with loving, deep family relationships and friendships; or
• married adults who can have deep and meaningful marriages filled with spiritual, sexual, and emotional intimacy, as well as loving, deep family relationships and friendships.
Sex as God intended allows a child to live as a mature and healthy single person before marriage (or instead of marrying) and to one day give the astonishing gift of his or her very self to another in marital union. Healthy sex education is about preparing children to protect this gift wisely and to give this gift rightly — to be able to love and trust enough to commit their whole selves and futures to another and to God. If we as parents prepare them in this way, we protect them too!
PARENTING AS GOD INTENDED
You can prepare your children to experience God's best in the area of sexuality. You are capable of being a wonderful and effective sex educator, even if you don't think so. You just need some advice, encouragement, information, and help to get there. That's what this book (and the God's Design for Sex series as a whole) provides.
We parents rightly want help from churches and schools, but we cannot abdicate such an important task to others. The primary job is ours. How do we do it?
Many of us think too small. We think of sex education in terms of "the talk" with the early teen that will convince him or her not to have sex before marriage. How could that possibly work? Wherever our children turn, the secular world inundates them with messages about sexuality, all pointing them in the wrong direction. Can one discussion at age thirteen or fourteen counteract all the destructive messages they are receiving? No.
Our vision is for children to grow up having godly, age-appropriate discussion and teaching about sexuality as a regular part of their relationship with their parents. Why you? Because parents are God's most important agents for shaping the sexual character of their children. You can help your child to trust God's wisdom given for their good throughout their lives.
Think on two of the most important passages in the Bible about parenting and the beauty of God's commandments:
Now this is the commandment — the statutes and the rules — that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
DEUTERONOMY 6:1-9, emphasis added
And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good?
DEUTERONOMY 10:12-13, emphasis added
Parents have the opportunity to encourage their children to become followers of God in love and obedience. We are to do so trusting that God's commands are a source of blessing and for our good. We are to walk in faith, loving God with our whole being and seeking to impart the same love and faith to our children. Sex education is about making this great vision a reality in the area of sexuality.
GODLY PARENTING
Parenting is complex, with many ways we can approach it. We have found one line of research particularly instructive and encouraging to Christian parents. In this approach, some researchers divided parents into four basic types according to two major factors: (1) what the parents expect of their children, and (2) how they respond to the children emotionally. The four resulting types of parents are negligent, permissive,authoritarian, and authoritative.
Negligent parents expect little of their children and offer little emotional support. Permissive or indulgent parents are big on emotional support but expect little from their children and do not challenge their children to "be all they can be." Authoritarian parents overemphasize discipline, expectations, and control of their children; they push their children hard but are cold and disconnected emotionally, leaving their children feeling unloved and valued only for their accomplishments.
Authoritative parents, however, offer both high expectations and lavish love and support to their child. These parents want to teach their children, but they combine an emphasis on discipline with warmth, communication, respect, and affection. The authoritative parenting style is the most effective style and produces the healthiest kids. Research suggests that "kids raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved."
This research reinforces that parenting is a way in which we symbolize God to our children within our families. Righteousness (expectations) and love (acceptance) are two fundamental facets of God's character, and God's perfect balance of these two characteristics is at the heart of the gospel and of good parenting. Parents are ambassadors or representatives of God in the lives of their children.
In having expectations of their children, parents embody God's character of justice and righteousness, in which he reveals his will for his people and desires us to follow for our own good. In being accepting and loving, parents embody God's loving and merciful character, as he persistently pursues his wayward people out of love until he brings them home.
Strive to embody these two qualities — as God does himself — by being authoritative parents as you do lifelong sex education. You have the opportunity to bless your child and shape his or her sexual character through your relationship.
THE BENEFITS OF FOLLOWING GOD
As you approach the task of sex education, be encouraged that as a follower of God, you and your child will prosper as you help him or her handle the gift of sexuality the way God, the Gift-Giver, intended. God's Word shows us four ways in which following him leads us to prosper.
1. Prosper in Pleasing God with Our Obedience
The greatest benefit of conducting our sexual lives in the manner in which God urges us to, and teaching our children to do the same, is that we can know we are doing what our Father wants us to do and are pleasing him. Scripture promises that in obedience — in living as God wishes — our faith can be completed or perfected:
His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love.
PSALM 147:10-11
[Jesus said,] "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. ... Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him. ... If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me."
JOHN 14:15, 21, 23-24
And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says "I know him" but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.
1 JOHN 2:3-6
2. Prosper in Safety from Calamity
Sexual-activity rates remain high among teens, even though they have declined a bit since their peak around 1990; approximately 68 percent have had sexual intercourse by their nineteenth birthday. STI rates continue to climb, and teen pregnancy continues to be at troubling levels. Premarital chastity and marital monogamy are safeguards against unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.
In living according to God's law, we experience the joy and blessing of sex as God meant it, free from fear. Obedience creates safety; we can live without fear of the devastation that can come from illicit sex. The Bible speaks often about such devastation and danger. Typical passages include such warnings in Proverbs 5:1-14 about the "forbidden woman" (verse 3), likely a prostitute but also inclusive of any sexually immoral partner. The writer warns that "in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword," and that "her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol" (verses 4-5, likely referencing the dangers of STIs and spiritual ruin). He warns also that you do not want to "give your honor to others and your years to the merciless, lest strangers take their fill of your strength, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner" (verses 9-10), nor the ultimate outcome of finding oneself "at the brink of utter ruin in the assembled congregation" (verse 14), likely references to destruction of marital, familial, church, and social relationships. The apostle Paul spoke similarly of sexual sinners "receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error" (Romans 1:27), likely speaking about negative physical, social, and spiritual consequences of immorality. The risks of illicit sex are stark compared to the blessings of marital sex: closeness, intimacy, physical pleasure, children, and unity.
More broadly, obedient Christians are also safer from the relational confusion and emotional traumas that premature and inappropriate sexual intimacy can foster. We are not only safe from bad things but also have the blessing of experiencing the good God intended in giving us the gift of sexuality.
3. Prosper in Singleness
While marriage is a fundamental human institution through which husbands and wives may reflect aspects of God's image, chaste singleness is also a blessed reflection of God's image. Christ taught that our perfected and everlasting life with him in heaven will be one where people possessing perfect resurrection bodies "neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven" (Matthew 22:30). We are made in God's image and will reflect his glory for eternity as embodied single persons, male and female; human marriage is a sign and reality intended for this world only, because in heaven, our union with God will be complete.
Scripture clearly commends — and the chaste single life of our Lord Jesus beautifully depicts — the companionship that can be experienced in serving the Kingdom of God as a single person in the company of fellow believers, the goodness and worth of individual unmarried human beings, and the vir- tuousness of sexual chastity in singleness (see 1 Corinthians 7:7-8, 32-35). Chastity in singleness manifests fidelity to our loving God in this life while we await full communion with him. The New Testament teaches further that we are one body, which implies that single and married people ought to share life together for mutual encouragement (see Romans 12:4-5; Hebrews 10:24-25). Jesus refers to singleness as a praiseworthy calling "for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:10-12). The apostle Paul says that "it is good ... to remain single" (1 Corinthians 7:8), echoing Jesus' call to singleness in order to be singularly devoted to work for Christ's Kingdom. Paul goes on to say, "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him" (1 Corinthians 7:17). This suggests that, for some, the call to singleness is from God and not necessarily of a person's choosing.
Single people can have rich and fertile relationships. As a single man, Jesus raised spiritual children. Scripture pictures the church as the betrothed of Christ waiting faithfully for the consummation of her marriage (see Matthew 25:1-13; Revelation 19:6-8; 21:1-2). Chaste single believers thus serve the church as visible reminders that the Kingdom of God points away from any worldly idealization or idolatry of marriage and family and toward our everlasting calling to union with God through his Son. We should celebrate the important contributions of singles to the Kingdom of God and our understanding of the gospel, while also seeking to integrate single and married members of our community for mutual encouragement.
4. Prosper in Marriage
Sexual chastity contributes to a successful marriage. Solomon is clearly commending the sexual restraint of the beautiful bride-to-be when he describes her as "a garden locked is my sister, my bride, a spring locked, a fountain sealed" (Song of Solomon 4:12). Similarly, the writer of Proverbs 5 commends the wise young man to "let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love" (verses 18-19). Paul alludes to similar blessings in 1 Timothy 4:3-5, where he instructs us that God created marriage "to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer."
While premarital chastity is no guarantee of having a good marriage, the evidence that it helps is indisputable. For example, a recent series of research studies suggests that delaying sexual intimacy is strongly associated with more positive outcomes in terms of relational satisfaction and sexual satisfaction on long-term follow-up. An important if older sociological study of marriage found results that Christians will appreciate:
• The single most powerful predictor of a good marriage was whether couples pray together regularly.
• Couples able to pray together and enjoy good sex together were the least likely to divorce.
• Cohabitation before marriage approximately doubled the degree to which couples themselves believe that they are likely to get a divorce; this reinforces numerous other studies that show cohabitation as bad for marriage rather than the preparation for it that so many claim.
• The higher the incidence of premarital sex, the lesser the likelihood the couple reported high sexual satisfaction and the greater the likelihood of infidelity in marriage.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "How & When to Tell Your Kids about Sex"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Jones Education Consultation & Formation, Inc..
Excerpted by permission of NavPress.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Acknowledgments xi
An important Word to Parents xiii
Part 1 Foundations
Chapter 1 The Big Picture: Preparing Healthy, Godly Adults 3
Chapter 2 The Challenges Ahead and Resources Available 11
Chapter 3 The Twelve Principles of Christian Sex Education 23
Chapter 4 Understanding Character Formation 29
Chapter 5 Biblical Foundations for Understanding Sexuality 43
Part 2 The Cornerstone Years: Infancy Through Kindergarten
Chapter 6 Teaching Love, Family, and Trust 61
Chapter 7 Teaching the Goodness of Our Sexuality 67
Chapter 8 Handling Sexual Curiosity and Other Challenges 79
Chapter 9 Preventing and Overcoming Sexual Molestation 87
Chapter 10 Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation: The Science 99
Chapter 11 Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation: Our Best Counsel 113
Part 3 The Preparatory Years: The Prepuberty Period
Chapter 12 "What Is Sex? Why Is It Wrong Outside of Marriage?" 129
Chapter 13 The Role of Stories and Inoculation in Strengthening Your Kids 143
Chapter 14 Preparing for Puberty and Adolescence 159
Chapter 15 The Dangers of Technology 175
Part 4 The Transitional Years: Transition through Puberty
Chapter 16 Preparing for Sexual Attraction, Dating, Courtship, and Marriage 191
Chapter 17 Developing Moral Discernment about Masturbation and Petting 207
Part 5 The Pivotal Years: Adolescence
Chapter 18 Supporting the Adolescent 225
Chapter 19 Teaching about Contraception 239
Chapter 20 What Is True Purity? 255
Additional Resources 261
Notes 263
About the Authors 279
What People are Saying About This
Over a decade ago, and before I knew the authors personally, my wife and I relied on Stan and Brenna Jones’s How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex for guidance on talking to our kids. Having seen their wisdom and insight up close, we still call them for parenting advice! The good news is that you can also rely on their wisdom in their newly updated version of How and When, with solid advice needed in today’s world.
This is a book for our times. Although directed to parents, it will be useful to all involved in nurturing the next generation: grandparents, caregivers, teachers, and the whole church community. How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex deals with sexuality as part of God’s good plan for humanity and parenting as nurturing godly, wholesome young men and women rather than producing good kids.It is comprehensive and deals sensitively with difficult topics, using research on parenting styles and sexual health to encourage and empower parents to be the first, principle, and continuing source of sex education for their children. In addressing relationships from the perspectives of chaste singleness and faithful, godly marriage, the book confronts the clash of cultures between a biblical worldview and the postmodern, individualistic mind-set. It challenges parents to enable children of all ages to live in a way that is countercultural to current tropes for sex, identity, and gender. Above all, it directs us all, as fallen and forgiven people, to grace-based (rather than law-driven) parenting.
Stan and Brenna Jones have done their homework. In a world of great sexual confusion, where cheap opinions and “hot takes” seem to be winning the day, these two are rising up as incredibly sane and sophisticated voices that can help show us the way.
The sexual revolution has come as a wake-up call for Christian parents and educators alike. The “home team” now feels like the “away team,” and in a society so far adrift from its Christian moorings, parents can no longer try to outsource the moral formation of their children. Our greatest challenge is to show what we are for as well as what we are against, and Stan and Brenna Jones have done the church a great service here. A comprehensive and authoritative set of resources, the God’s Design for Sex series integrates biblical instruction with evidence from the social sciences, common sense, and practical wisdom. Most important of all, it fires the imagination with a positive vision of the divine gift of sex and human sexuality. This is the go-to resource for all Christian parents, educators, and pastors who care about the biblically rooted formation and flourishing of their children.
Many Christian parents struggle with how to engage and influence their kids around questions of sexuality and gender—all the more as norms regarding sex and gender seem to shift beneath their feet. The God’s Design for Sex series by Stan and Brenna Jones provides valuable guidance and practical information that will serve as both anchor and lighthouse to many parents who feel tossed by the waves of a rapidly changing culture.
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