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How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source

How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source

by Johanna Stein


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Looking for the perfect book to help you survive childbirth and parenting with your sanity intact?

Look elsewhere.

For Johanna Stein (writer/comedian/forward/slash/abuser and occasionally neurotic/immature/way-too-candid mom), parenting is an extreme sport. Her stories from the trenches may not always be shared experiences — Have you ever wondered if your baby's "soft spot" is like a delete key? Trained your preschooler for a zombie invasion? Accused a nearly nude stranger of being pregnant? Made sweet, bimonthly love to your spouse while your toddler serenaded you through the adjoining wall? Attempted to calm your screaming baby on an airplane with a hand puppet, only to have it lead to one of the most disgusting experiences of your life? — but they will always make you laugh.

So, no, this book won't teach you how to deal with nipple blisters or Oedipal complexes. But if you want to learn why you should never attempt to play a practical joke in the hospital delivery room, then you're in the right place.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780738217345
Publisher: Hachette Books
Publication date: 04/29/2014
Pages: 256
Product dimensions: 5.60(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

As a writer, director, and actor, Johanna Stein's work has appeared on Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, PBS, HBO, CBS, the Oxygen Network, VH1, the Disney Channel, and all across the Internets, where her comedy shorts, PSAs, and popular Yahoo! web series Life of Mom have been viewed millions of times. In addition to her TV and film work, Johanna's essays have been published in such outlets as the New York Times, Parents Magazine, and the Huffington Post.

Johanna lives in Southern California with her husband, their daughter, and a tiny boy-faced dog who once ate a couch.


Table of Contents

Chapter 1 A Pregnant Pause 1

Chapter 2 Lights, Camera, Push! 6

Chapter 3 Spoiled Milk 21

Chapter 4 Sexual Disintercourse 28

Chapter 5 Hussssh 40

Chapter 6 How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane 53

Chapter 7 Playdate in the Park: An Ode 59

Chapter 8 Oh, You Shouldn't Have 64

Chapter 9 Fight The Pink 72

Chapter 10 My Bodies, Myself 84

Chapter 11 Twenty-Nine Things I Have Lost Since Becoming a Parent 93

Chapter 12 All The Boys I've Loved Before (Your Dad) 97

Chapter 13 The Marriage Quotient 108

Chapter 14 The Binky War Diaries 119

Chapter 15 The Most Wonderful Time of the Year 130

Chapter 16 The Very Bad Hair Day 141

Chapter 17 Ways in Which My Preschooler Has Insulted Me 153

Chapter 18 My Very American Girl 155

Chapter 19 The First Baby 167

Chapter 20 One Is Enough 181

Chapter 21 Private Time 188

Chapter 22 The First Emergency Room Visit 197

Chapter 23 Lies I Have Told My Daughter 205

Chapter 24 The Undying Truth 207

Chapter 25 The Beginning Of The End 214

Appendix A I Am My Father's Son 225

Appendix B An Uncomfortable Conversation That My Daughter Will Have With Her Teenage Daughter Sometime in the Futuristic Future 235

Acknowledgments 239

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