How to Have Incredible Conversations with your Child: A book for parents, carers and children to use together. A place to make conversation. A way to build your relationship

by Jane Gilmour, Bettina Hohnen

Overview

You: "How was your day?"

Your child: "Fine."

As a parent, you want to know what is going on in your child's life, how school and friendships are going, if they're feeling okay. As a kid you want to tell your parent what's going on, but it can be hard to find the words. This book is brilliant because it makes finding those words easy, and you discover incredible stuff about each other.

How exactly do you make it happen? This accessible guide answers the million-dollar question by steering you, step by step through carefully supported and structured conversational platforms that encourage connection and strengthen relationship bonds. Written by two top clinical psychologists who have worked with families over many years they have, uniquely, designed it for you to read and experience, together.

Inside this book you will find a range of fun, illustrated child-friendly conversation activities, organised around four key themes: who are you? how are you? what helps? what gets in the way?

There is powerful evidence that building good parent-child communication skills improves emotional wellbeing, physical health, academic and employment success. It helps set up a trusting relationship so you can navigate adolescence and later life successfully. It's important to start early because it takes time to learn skills.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781787756403
Publisher:	Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Publication date:	10/21/2021
Pages:	208
Product dimensions:	8.43(w) x 10.87(h) x 0.71(d)
Age Range:	6 - 12 Years

About the Author

Jane and Bettina are clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. They have over 20 years' experience working at Great Ormond Street Hospital and University College London with children, young people, families, school staff and delivering practical evidence-based training to parents and professionals.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements 11

Preface 13

Introduction: How to Have Incredible Conversations 15

Part 1 Your Communication Mindset 25

Ideas and tips for parents to hold in mind to unlock the best conversation experience with children

1 Relationships and Communication Skills - Why They Matter 27

2 Relationships and Communication Skills - It's a Work in Progress 31

3 Top Tips 35

4 The Wellbeing Compass 43

Part 2 The Incredible Conversations 53

Share your experience, have a conversation and build your relationship, together

Compass Point 1: Who Are You? 55

These conversations tend to be upbeat. Parents create a framework to help children figure out what is true for them, who they are and who they want to be.

Who are you? My Best Day 57

An easy start, usually fun and full of positivity - a way of finding out about people, places and things that are loved or wished for.

Who are you? Think of a Link 61

A conversation about similarities (and differences) between family and others in our world - ideas about who we are or what we could become often pop up.

Who are you? Memory Frame Game 65

A focus on the good old times. Talking about a favourite memory is a great bonding experience and can be a superb distraction for worriers.

Who are you? Wishful Thinking 69

An old favourite, this conversation gets at what might make life better if only we had a magic wand. It's a good one for children who find it hard to say what is bothering them.

Who are you? Next Up… 73

Future visions say a lot about how we feel about ourselves right now. This is an invitation to talk together about who, what and where the future might be.

Who are you? Blowing Bubbles 77

A conversation about how children think they spend their time in the family. This is all about seeing things from another person's perspective.

Who are you? Piece of Cake 81

This is a conversation about the different parts of our life, and figuring out which ones matter most to us.

Who are you? This Is Me 85

This pulls together the discussions in 'Who Are You?' and is a chance to think together about how we see ourselves, how we feel inside and how others see us. These parts may be the same or very different.

Compass Point 2: How Are You? 89

These conversations help you think about the full range of emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly. They introduce us to the idea of sharing difficult feelings as well as all the good stuff. Make this a safe, comfortable place to talk and bring it on.

How are you? Mood Mountain 91

Sometimes it's hard to describe how you feel. This is an easy way to describe where you are at today, without saying a word.

How are you? How Do You Wheel? 95

Naming feelings is an important part of sorting them out. It is a powerful tool, and this is a gentle conversation to start the feeling wheel turning.

How are you? Playing Detective 99

We all pick up emotions from each other using 'clues'. This conversation invites a discussion about how different family members express different emotions. It is very useful for kids who struggle with social communication.

How are you? Worry Pots 103

This is a chance for children to describe who tends to hold onto a worry in a family, using just pictures. It is brilliant stuff for children who find it hard to find the words.

How are you? Heads and Hearts - Step 1 107

This is all about figuring out the difference between thoughts and feelings. It is great practice for worriers.

How are you? Heads and Hearts - Step 2 111

This conversation introduces the idea that we can decide how we feel, because we can change what we think.

Compass Point 3: What Helps? 115

These conversations are all about sorting through the resources, tools and support that we have to hand (or could use) when times are tough. A chance to talk about challenging times and think about them in a different way.

What helps? Ups and Downs s 117

This is a really simple conversation that is good for the 'all or nothing' thinkers. It helps us to hold on to the idea that some days are better than others, even if it's just by a smidge.

What helps? Really Rubbish 121

Talking about bad times we have had in life creates a bond between us. It also reminds us that we get through even really bad days - they will pass.

What helps? Support Squad 125

This conversation is about figuring out the VIPs in a child's life - particularly trusted adults and friends. It highlights social support, safety nets and friendships.

What helps? Helping Hands 129

A discussion about what the VIPs in our life can say on the one hand, or do on the other hand, to help us through a difficult time.

What helps? Stepping Stones 133

It's important to use our support network, but it's empowering to remember we can help ourselves too, so spend time talking through self-help superpowers.

What helps? Power Up 137

Talking about how stress helps us to figure out how to manage it and how it can actually help us. It's all a question of how you see it. One of the authors' favourite conversations, this is great for kids who get overwhelmed with stress.

Compass Point 4: What Gets in the Way? 141

To some degree these are the most challenging conversations because they focus on areas that get in the way of our lives, but they are an important part of family conversation. This is a supported, structured and gentle start to exploring obstacles and ways around them.

What gets in the way? Oops Loops 143

This conversation is about the moments when we think to ourselves, 'Oops, that didn't go well.' Doing this when we are calm means we can think it through and talk it over.

What gets in the way? Muddle and Make Up 147

Discussing a time when family life got in a muddle (like a row) and figuring out - after the storm has passed - how it got sorted, is healing. If your family find arguments get in the way a lot, this one is for you.

What gets in the way? What If-ing 151

A conversation about sorting through concerns, to figure out what is useful and what is big, heavy, old baggage weighing you down. Worriers will get a lot out of this one.

What gets in the way? Uh-oh…Spoiler Alert 155

Talking about our meltdowns is less threatening if we describe them as separate from us - a bit like a 'baddie' who spoils things. Creative kids will love this one.

What gets in the way? Road Blocks 159

There is no such thing as a bad idea when it comes to figuring out how to shift obstacles in the way of a shared family goal. This is a wonderful conversation to develop problem-solving skills and to encourage speaking up in your community.

Pick 'n' Mix 163

Communication is a two-way process, so this is a chance to mix it up a bit. Pick any one of the conversations and swap roles so that, this time, parents share their thoughts and feelings, and children listen. This is a great way to develop empathy.

Last Word 165

Appendix 1 Example Conversations 167

Appendix 2 Conversation Pathways 187

Further Reading 193

Index 195

Editorial Reviews

Some books offer wonderful advice, but struggle to provide activities which take into account the needs of those who learn differently. You do not have to worry here, the visual representations of the topics being discussed helped my son (who is autistic) to make sense of our conversations. The guidance provided made it very manageable, and encouraged us to take small steps in our conversations - you may not complete the whole activity in one sitting, and that's okay. Not only does this book offer great conversation starters, it offers a space for you and your child to revisit a topic whenever the need arise...revisiting these activities, over time, will help me and my son to develop new skills. This is a great book and has lots to offer. If you are looking for a book which helps you to develop your child's self-awareness, developing their resiliency in the process, this is the book for you!

Claire Prosser

'This book provides a wonderful way for me and my son to connect, remember and celebrate our special times and work through the tough ones. A beautiful and playful tool for unlocking feelings without drama'

Peter Drake (Elliot’s Dad)

To unlock the power of your relationship with your child for all their years ahead - read this book.

Prof Tanya Byron

This is the book that will tell you how to build the emotional health of your child and at the same time build the relationship between the two of you. It is practical, wise and fun. The authors draw upon their extensive experience as clinical child psychologists and their deep knowledge of the modern scientific study of child development. Woven into their practical guidance about how to have conversations with your child are memorable drawings and icons which help build your appreciation of what will be a satisfying and rewarding process.

Peter Hill

While the art of conversation is not easy for autistic children, the incredible conversation activities in this excellent book, will facilitate mutual understanding, self-reflection and emotion regulation. Although this book was primarily written for parents, I strongly recommend that psychologists, therapists, and teachers incorporate the activities in their work with children who have communication difficulties.

Tony Attwood

Have you ever wondered how you could improve the conversations you have with your child? If so, this is the resource for you (and your child!). Firmly based in sound scientific evidence, and informed by years of clinical psychology practice, but not coming across as such, this is an extremely readable guide, full of valuable tips for having successful conversations. These in turn will build better relationships. We are advised to grasp those moments when you least expect your child to express an idea or worry and "If you can, stop what you are doing, switch off your phone, sit down and listen". I would strongly recommend (if you can) stop what you are doing, switch off your phone and make time to read this absorbing book.

Helen Bedford

'I liked talking about my feelings. I love staying at my nan's house but don't like leaving. My mum told me that it was okay to feel sad about it. She helped me to find things that would make me feel better.'

Seb is autistic and is aged 9

I'm a big fan of everything Jane and Bettina do, and this book is no exception. I love the authors' warm and encouraging advice for having better conversations and ultimately improving our relationships with our children. We put so much effort into improving our communication skills with our partners, friends and colleagues but the authors have encouraged us to prioritise improving our conversations with the young people in our life. Good conversations with our children? What a gift for everyone involved!

Courtney Adamo

This is a truly practical book full of imaginative ideas for intriguing conversations specifically designed to build parent-child relationships and foster good communication. The conversation topics have been carefully chosen to help children learn to talk about emotions safely and express opinions thoughtfully, and to help parents learn to listen and connect. It is full of useful prompts to guide parents away from monosyllabic cul-de-sacs so we can co-create authentic conversations jointly with our children. After just one of these conversations, you will understand your child a little better and build a relationship in which they feel more confident to open up.

Anita Cleare

'When can I do (the conversations) again?'

aged 5 Imogen

Following up on their incredibly successful book about the Teenage Brain, the authors have now turned their attention to slightly younger children and the critical issue of social communication in the family. Their aim is to lay down a road map, showing parents how to talk to their children, without either patronising them or scolding them. Do we really need to be told how to converse with preadolescent boys and girls? From the scientific evidence these experienced clinicians have gathered, the answer is a resounding 'yes'. Social communication skills are the bedrock of social and emotional development. If we don't learn to listen to others, and respond appropriately, mutually satisfying social relationships will forever elude us. Those skills should have their foundations laid down in early childhood. All parents and children would benefit from reading this 'how to' guide together

David Skuse

What a wonderful book, suitable for any (and all!) parents and carers, to help you to build a closer relationship with your child through conversations. The authors draw upon years of clinical psychology practice of supporting young people and families, to identify creative, fun conversation starters and concepts, which can help all parents and carers to develop more meaningful connections with their child, and better understand their child's inner world. The book is compassionate and compelling, and acknowledges how tricky it can be sometimes be for all parents and carers to 'find a way in' with their child. It gives copious, helpful, wide-ranging advice. I will certainly be buying a copy, and highly recommending the book to parents, carers, families, professionals and everyone!

Dr Sue Knowles

'The book made me remember all the happy things and think about things differently. It was really fun'

Elliot aged 10

'I thought it was going to be a bit like homework .... but it was much fun-er... the conversations 'make me feel good about myself... and anyone can do them!'

aged 11 Alfie

How to Have Incredible Conversations with your Child stands out from any other parental book for its well thought out process to bring theory to practice. It's a treasure chest full of tools to get conversations started, but also directed towards meaningful exchanges with your children. The language is accessible, even if the terms introduced are not simple, and one feels encouraged to try their approach after the first chapters. I found the use of visuals particularly useful - these are not only a brilliant tool for kids to communicate but also for parents to remember frameworks and use them when the right moment happens. I'd recommend this book to any parent who is looking for research based, applicable ideas to connect with their children.

Laia Collazos

'His answers made me smile'

Sam Sanson (Alfie’s Mum)

Perhaps the most valuable lessons we can give our children are how to develop and maintain good relationships, as the correlation between healthy and good relationships, and success and happiness is indisputable. This book takes that rather daunting responsibility and breaks it down into clear, fun and eminently doable practices that can be weaved into everyday life... considerably reducing the number of 'How was your day?' - 'Fine' conversations! Moreover, whilst this book will certainly help the child/parent communication experience, its learnings can be applied to all relationships, which is why I have copies on my coffee, kitchen, and bedside table!

Beth Kerr

'His answers made me smile'

Sam Sanson (Alfie’s Mum)

'This book provides a wonderful way for me and my son to connect, remember and celebrate our special times and work through the tough ones. A beautiful and playful tool for unlocking feelings without drama'

Peter Drake (Elliot’s Dad)