Imperfect Parenting: How to Build a Relationship With Your Child to Weather any Storm

by Dona Matthews PhD

Overview

This book presents a model of authoritative parenting that makes room for imperfection, focusing on the skills needed to build a strong parent-child relationship.

As parents, we often worry we’re making the wrong decisions. The good news is, having a strong relationship with your child means you can make a parenting blunder from time to time, and exercise grace and patience to try again.
 
Written for parents of children from birth to young adulthood (ages 0-24), this book helps you examine your role as a guide, cheerleader, advocate, and most importantly, as a human being who doesn’t always have the right answers. While your child’s brain, body, emotions, and social abilities develop over time, author Dona Matthews shows how your skills as a parent can be developed too, by practicing relationship fundamentals such as acceptance, positivity, social support, boundaries, respect, self-care, and gratitude.
 
Rooted in the latest findings from neuroscience and psychology, this book presents a model of authoritative parenting that embraces imperfection. Each chapter focuses on a key relationship skill for parenting, with tips on how to practice it during different stages of your child’s growth and in common stressful situations such as social, school, health, and family scenarios.
 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781433837562
Publisher:	American Psychological Association
Publication date:	04/05/2022
Series:	APA LifeTools Series
Pages:	400
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x (d)

About the Author

Dona Matthews, PhD, has worked with children, families, and schools since 1990, and is currently in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She was executive director, Millennium Dialogue on Early Child Development, University of Toronto, and founding director, Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education, City University of New York. She has published widely on child and adolescent development, education, and supporting special needs. She frequently shares with parents ways to practice love and respect during each phase of their child’s development, learning and growing alongside their children. Follow Dr. Matthews at her Psychology Today blog, “Going Beyond Intelligence.”

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments
Introduction

Chapter 1. Who Are You As a Parent?
Parenting Styles
Good-Enough Parenting
Is Your Child Friendly and Optimistic? Or Fierce and Feisty?
Taking It Into the Community: Positive Connections
Key Takeaways: How to Be a Good-Enough Parent for Your Child

Chapter 2. How Human Beings Make Mistakes, Fix Them, and Grow
Examples of Mistakes People Make
Mindsets
Punishment, Time-Outs, and Consequences
Responding to Mistakes and Misbehavior by Age
Taking It Into the Community: Making Lemonade When Life Gives You Lemons
Key Takeaways: Using a Growth Mindset to Respond to Mistakes and Fix Them

Chapter 3. Accept and Be Mindful: Take a Breath, You Are Enough
Mindfulness Quiz
How Does Mindfulness Work?
Some Examples of Mindfulness in Practice
Mindfulness Meditation: Getting Started
Why It’s Good to Be a Mindful Parent
Relax and Be Happy, Especially if You’re a Mother
How to Be a Mindful Parent
Affirmations and Mantras
How to Nurture Your Child’s Mindfulness
Taking It Into the Community: Being Mindful About Racism and Equity
Key Takeaways: Learning to Be Here Now

Chapter 4. Care For Yourself, and You'll Help Your Child Care for Themself
A Self-Care Quiz
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Taking It Into the Community: Sunnydale Elementary School’s Garden
Key Takeaways: Self-Care Is the Foundation of Everything Else in Life

Chapter 5. Each of Us Is Unique: Brain Building Together
Neural Plasticity
The Early Years: Conception to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
How to Support Your Child’s Optimal Brain Development
Taking It Into the Community: Parenting Centers
Key Takeaways for Healthy Brain Building

Chapter 6. Don't Stop Learning: You Can Keep Getting Smarter
Controversies and Misconceptions
What Do IQ Tests Measure?
Abilities Develop
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Taking It Into the Community: Neighborhood Reading Circles
Key Takeaways for Healthy Learning Across the Lifespan

Chapter 7. Nurture Your Creativity and Creative Self-Expression
What Is Creativity?
Some Dimensions of Creativity
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Taking It Into the Community: Creative Problem Solving in Action
Key Takeaways for Weaving Creativity Into Everyday Life

Chapter 8. Choose Love, Positivity, Caring, and Connection
Empathy: Where Kindness, Compassion, and Happiness Begin
Friendship
Self-Control: Staying Calm, Focused, Present, and Reasonable
A Positive Attitude
Happiness
Self-Confidence
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Taking It Into the Community: Taking Social and Emotional Skills to School
Key Takeaways: It’s All About Connection

Chapter 9. Be the Adult in the Room: Not Perfect, but Wise
Complications Quiz
Bullying
Technology: Use Mindfully
Separation and Divorce
Alternative Family Composition
Wise Parenting Practices for Alternative Families
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Complications Quiz Discussion
Taking It Into the Community: Acknowledge Your Wounds, Look for Help, and Reach Out to Others
Key Takeaways: Clearing a Path Toward Wisdom

Chapter 10. We're All in This Together: Listen, Connect, and Collaborate
Advocacy: Making Connections for Making a Difference
Eulogy Virtues Are More Important Than Résumé Virtues
The Early Years: Birth to 5
Childhood: 6 to 10
Adolescence: 11 to 18
Young Adulthood: 19 to 24
Taking It Into the Community: Being the Village
Key Takeaways for Weathering the Storms That Life Brings

Notes
Index
About the Author
 

What People are Saying About This

Tracy Dennis-Tiwary

Imperfect Parenting is brimming with life-changing insights. Dona Matthews, with compassionate and incisive expertise, distills the latest research into understandable tips and tools that can help any parent. But perhaps more important, she outlines a new approach to parenting that will make us more effective as parents and strengthen our relationships with our children. Dr. Matthews does this by combating the punishingly perfectionistic culture around parenting today that tells us that, unless we’ve checked every box on the “good parenting checklist,” we have failed. Imperfect Parenting instead empowers parents to embrace imperfection constructively, and approach every challenge with renewed confidence and hope. 

Nicole A. Tetreault

Dona Matthews shows how parents who learn to respect their children’s uniqueness, and relate to them with understanding and compassion, form strong connections that support them in becoming themselves. She describes how neuroscience and psychology inform the relationship skills that lead to easier and happier family relationships, as they support children’s diversity and growth.

Tracy Došennis-Tiwary

Imperfect Parenting is brimming with life-changing insights. Dona Matthews, with compassionate and incisive expertise, distills the latest research into understandable tips and tools that can help any parent. But perhaps more important, she outlines a new approach to parenting that will make us more effective as parents and strengthen our relationships with our children. Dr. Matthews does this by combating the punishingly perfectionistic culture around parenting today that tells us that, unless we’ve checked every box on the “good parenting checklist,” we have failed. Imperfect Parenting instead empowers parents to embrace imperfection constructively, and approach every challenge with renewed confidence and hope.

Mona Delahooke

Imperfect Parenting is a treasure, filled with cutting-edge parenting advice backed by solid research and Dona Matthews’s many years of experience supporting families. This book shows how parents and everyone involved in a child’s life can build or rebuild a strong relationship, which is the ultimate foundation of optimal emotional health.

Jennifer Lansford

Imperfect Parenting covers a wealth of practical information, from advice for healthy eating and sleep to suggestions for how parents can engage with the cognitive, academic, social, and emotional aspects of their children’s development. It is written in a warm, caring way with supportive tips for parents in taking care of themselves as well as their child. Insights from the author’s clinical practice are well integrated with research-based conclusions. The book affirms the message that responsive, loving care is more important for children’s development than any specific parenting dos or don’ts.

Joanne Foster

Dona Matthews describes the wonder, joys, and challenges of parenting. Get set to be informed and energized by the riveting stories of families’ circumstances, the array of helpful resources, and the author’s insightful and practical suggestions for embracing the many experiences of raising children from infancy to adulthood. Imperfect Parenting is destined to be a classic!

Rena F. Subotnik

Dona Matthews tackles both difficult and mundane problems of parenting with loving yet practical guidance that is grounded in evidence. I would recommend this book to new parents, those feeling overwhelmed by daily struggles with offspring, and teachers who wonder how classroom behaviors relate to what children may be experiencing at home.

Terrie Moffitt

This is far and away the best parenting book I have ever read, and I have read hundreds of them. Imperfect Parenting has a solid science base, but it’s not for eggheads; it’s for real parents who have real kids. Dona Matthews’s message reassures anyone who is a parent or hopes to become one: Building a relationship with your child will bring you the confidence to face any parenting challenge, and your love for each other will just keep on growing. Your child will thank you.

Nancy Steinhauer

All parents, both new and experienced, will benefit from reading this compassionate guide to the art and science of parenting. Dona Matthews uses stories and case studies to illuminate the research behind building successful, protective relationships with children. Imperfect Parenting is a highly relatable and ultimately forgiving handbook that gives us permission to learn from our mistakes as we help our children develop into the best versions of themselves.