Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

by Leslie Becker-Phelps


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781608828159
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Publication date: 06/01/2014
Pages: 200
Sales rank: 61,869
Product dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker. She writes "The Art of Relationships" blog for WebMD and is the relationships expert for WebMD’s Relationships and Coping Community. She also writes the blog "Making Change" for Psychology Today and is the author of the upcoming book Insecure in Love. Becker-Phelps previously served at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ, as director of Women's Psychological Services and chief of psychology in the department of psychiatry. She lives with her husband and two sons in Basking Ridge, NJ. Find out more about her at

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii

Introduction 1

Part 1 The Bedrock of All Relationships

1 Early Connections: A Foundation for Love 9

The Basics of How You Connect 10

Four Styles of Attachment 13

Discovering Your Attachment Style 22

2 Understanding Why You Relate the Way You Do 25

Proximity: Protection from Danger 26

Safe Haven: The Need for Comfort 26

Secure Base: Support for Exploring the World 28

Balancing Autonomy and Closeness 29

Managing Your Emotions 34

Two Ways to Earn Security and Happy Relationships 40

Part 2 Discover Your Potential: Being Worthy of Love

3 Opening the Door to Change 45

Learning to See Yourself in a Positive Light 47

Confirming the "You" You Know 48

Confirming How You See Others 51

Closed-Loop Relationships 52

Pursuit-Withdrawal: A Common Relationship Problem 54

Summary: Gaining Perspective 59

4 Overcoming Obstacles 61

Self-Deception 62

The Logic Stops Here 64

How Pain Motivates Change 67

The Need for New Experiences 69

Part 3 Compassionate Self-Awareness: The Antidote to Relationship Anxiety

5 A Path to Deep, Lasting Security 73

Self-Awareness 75

Self-Compassion 82

The Healing Power of Compassionate Self-Awareness 87

6 Developing Self-Awareness 91

Facing Your Ambivalence 92

Nurturing Awareness of Emotions 93

Transforming Your Thoughts with Greater Awareness 104

Mentalizing 108

Final Thoughts on Self-Awareness 112

7 Creating Self-Compassion 113

Common Humanity 115

Mindfulness 117

Self-Kindness 123

Compassionate Self-Awareness in a Nutshell 129

Part 4 Lighting Up Your Love Life

8 Finding Someone Who Will Accept You and Warm Your Heart 133

Set a Goal for a Healthy Relationship 133

What to Look for in a Partner 135

Panning for Gold 139

Spin a Supportive Web 142

9 Nurturing a Relationship You Feel Secure In 145

Self-Disclosure 146

Interdependence: Being One "Whole Half" 147

Keeping Your Connection Going 151

Accentuate the Positive 152

On Being Grateful 157

It Takes Work to Tango 159

10 Working It Out 161

Asking for Support 162

Talking Through Conflicts 165

The Gift of Forgiveness 167

Moving On 170

Closing Thoughts 175

References 179


Becker-Phelps lives in Basking Ridge, NJ.

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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Anonymous 10 months ago
More please!??
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
FarrahS More than 1 year ago
This book changed my life.  For a really long time I've have attachment-related anxiety without fully realizing it and it has caused me a great deal of emotionally pain.   This book put into perspective a lot of the issues I was struggling with--lack of self-compassion for instance.   If you are insecure when you are in relationships or come off as "too needy" then this is the book for you.