It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion

by Beverly Engel LMFT

Overview

Shame is one of the most destructive of human emotions. If you suffered childhood physical or sexual abuse, you may experience such intense feelings of shame that it almost seems to define you as a person. In order to begin healing, it’s important for you to know that it wasn’t your fault.
 
In this gentle guide, therapist and childhood abuse expert Beverly Engel presents a mindfulness and compassion-based therapeutic approach to help you overcome the debilitating shame that keeps you tied to the past. By following the step-by-step exercises in this book, you’ll gain a greater understanding of the root cause of your shame. And by cultivating compassion toward yourself, you will begin to heal and move past your painful experiences.
 
Recent studies show that trauma survivors, particularly those with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) resulting from abuse, can greatly benefit from incorporating elements of self-compassion into their treatment. Furthermore, the practice of self-compassion has been shown to decrease PTSD symptoms, including, self-criticism, thought suppression, and rumination.
 
This book is based on the author’s powerful and effective Compassion Cure program. With this book, you will develop the skills needed to finally put a stop the crippling self-blame that keeps you from moving on and being happy. You’ll learn to focus on your strengths, your courage, and your extraordinary ability to survive. Most of all, you’ll learn to replace shame with its counter emotion—pride.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781626250994
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	01/02/2015
Pages:	264
Sales rank:	215,276
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Beverly Engel, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over thirty years of experience working primarily with survivors of childhood and adult abuse. She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on emotional abuse recovery and is author of twenty nonfiction books on the subjects of emotional and sexual abuse recovery, relationship issues, and female empowerment. Her books include The Emotionally Abused Woman, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, and Healing Your Emotional Self. She has appeared on many national television shows, including Oprah and Starting Over, has appeared on CNN, and was nominated for the Books for a Better Life Award for her powerful book, The Power of Apology.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii

Introduction 1

Part I The Shame/Compassion Connection

1 How and Why Child Abuse Creates Shame 17

2 Why Shame Is So Debilitating 33

3 How Compassion Can Heal the Shame of Childhood Abuse 51

Part II The Compassion Cure Program

4 The Obstacles to Self-Compassion 67

5 Receiving Compassion from Others 91

6 Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Pain 107

Part III Practicing the Five Aspects of Self-Compassion

7 Self-Understanding 133

8 Self-Forgiveness 159

9 Self-Acceptance 185

10 Self-Kindness 207

11 Self-Encouragement 227

Conclusion 249

Afterword 251

References 253

Interviews

Beverly Engel lives in Morro Bay, CA.

Editorial Reviews

With uncommon clarity and kindness, the author speaks directly to the invisible heart of childhood abuse—shame. Readers will recognize the authentic voice of a former victim as she gently guides them on the healing path to self-compassion. It is an artful distillation of self-compassion theory, research, and practice for those who have suffered long enough. I can’t recommend it highly enough.”
—Christopher Germer, PhD, clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School and author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion


“This book provides an in-depth understanding of the many ways shame sustains the harm of past abuse, and outlines a powerful program for using self-compassion to free yourself from these bonds. Read it and heal.”
—Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Self-Compassion


“In this beautifully written book, Beverley Engel offers us a scholarly, yet easily-accessible understanding of the nature of shame and the harm that it does us. She also articulates very clearly how compassion is one of the most important antidotes for shame. After all, it's easy to be compassionate toward people we like—but real compassion is for when things get tough. No one can read this book without coming away with considerable insights into the problematic ways we often treat ourselves and the value of developing compassion—not just as an easy option, but as a courageous way to deal with our inner struggles. I can't recommend this book highly enough; it is well-researched, highly informative, and helpful. A real gift to those struggling with the inner conflicts of self-doubt and criticism.”
—Paul Gilbert, PhD, author of The Compassionate Mind


"Marriage and family therapist Engel (The Emotionally Abused Woman; Healing Your Emotional Self; The Power of Apology) here focuses on resolving the shame issues of abuse victims by proposing strategies for 'self-compassion.' Addressing the reader personally, Engel first analyzes the concept of debilitating shame, differentiating it from guilt, and then describes the effects of shame and the strategies people use to overcome it. The author then skillfully presents and combines a number of therapeutic methods put forth recently regarding the development of mindfulness in clients, which can lead to a more compassionate view of themselves. By combining these mindfulness approaches with the specific focus on the shame reactions of childhood abuse victims, Engel helps the participating reader to develop more awareness of how their past trauma affects their present lives. Calling this process 'The Compassion Cure Program' and using many case study examples and more than fifty exercises, Engel delivers an accessible path for suffering beginners attempting therapeutic mindfulness practice. Readers are shown ways to develop five elements of self-compassion: self-understanding, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-kindness, and self-encouragement."
—Library Journal

From the Publisher

01/01/2015
Marriage and family therapist Engel (The Emotionally Abused Woman; Healing Your Emotional Self; The Power of Apology) here focuses on resolving the shame issues of abuse victims by proposing strategies for "self-compassion." Addressing the reader personally, Engel first analyzes the concept of debilitating shame, differentiating it from guilt, and then describes the effects of shame and the strategies people use to overcome it. The author then skillfully presents and combines a number of therapeutic methods put forth recently regarding the development of mindfulness in clients, which can lead to a more compassionate view of themselves. By combining these mindfulness approaches with the specific focus on the shame reactions of childhood abuse victims, Engel helps the participating reader to develop more awareness of how their past trauma affects their present lives. Calling this process "The Compassion Cure Program" and using many case study examples and more than 50 exercises, Engel delivers an accessible path for suffering beginners attempting therapeutic mindfulness practice. Readers are shown ways to develop five elements of self-compassion: self-understanding, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-kindness, and self-encouragement. VERDICT For traumatized self-helpers looking for beginning mindfulness training. More clinically minded readers may prefer Mindfulness and Acceptance, edited by Steven C. Hayes, et al.—Kellie Benson, Oakton Community Coll. Libs., Des Plaines, IL

Library Journal