It's Not About the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction

by Andrew Susskind

Overview

Ending compulsive sexual behavior is just the beginning.

Drawing on personal and professional experience, psychotherapist Andrew Susskind examines issues such as shame, grief, narcissism, and codependency to demonstrate how people use out-of-control sexual behavior to cope with brokenheartedness and trauma. He offers strategies to cultivate sustainable sexual sobriety, sharing his own healing narrative, as well as those of others who’ve chosen to bare their truths. No one is ever too hurt or isolated to achieve reliable relationships and emotional intimacy. This is a guidebook for every person seeking long-term healing from sex addiction.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781949481068
Publisher:	Central Recovery Press, LLC
Publication date:	06/11/2019
Pages:	232
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Andrew Susskind is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting Practitioner, and Certified Group Psychotherapist in private practice since 1992. His ability to relate compassionately to people experiencing addiction, trauma, and codependency stems from his own recovery. In 2014, Susskind released his workbook From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery. He is based in Los Angeles.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Chapter 1 Now What? Life after Sex Addiction 5

Harm Reduction 5

Emotional Sobriety 7

Case Study One: Jason's Emotional Sobriety 14

Revealing Blind Spots 17

Entering the Here and Now 18

Chapter 2 The Gratitude of Loss 21

Doors Opening, Doors Closing 21

Breaking up with Your Addiction 23

Case Study Two: Kevin's Grief 24

Stages of Grief 26

Grieving the Loss of the Fantasy 30

Letter to Your Sex Addiction 32

Chapter 3 Tuming down the Volume on Shame 37

Illuminating Shame 38

Healthier Shame vs. Toxic Shame 39

The Peculiarities of Perfectionism 41

Case Study Three: My Perfectionism 44

Shame Resiliency 47

Chapter 4 Beyond Narcissism 53

Self-Centeredness vs. Other-Centeredness 53

Case Study Four: Bill's Narcissism 58

The Healthy Side of Narcissism 60

Being of Service 61

Leaning into Love 65

Chapter 5 The Rhythm Within 69

Slowing Down 70

Case Study Five: Linda's Rhythm Within 73

Stress Relief Strategies 75

The Art of Relaxation 80

Mindful Recovery 82

Chapter 6 Regulating the Nervous System 87

Regulation and Dysregulation 88

Case Study Six: Debbie's Dysregulated Nervous System 89

Window of Resiliency 91

Brain-Body Approaches 93

Attachment Patterns 101

Chapter 7 Cultivating Contentment 105

Values Clarification 108

Case Study Seven: Miguel's Reason to Wake Up in the Morning 110

Life Contentment 112

Visioning 114

Swimming with the Dolphins 117

Chapter 8 Sexual Healing 121

Your Erotic Template 122

Case Study Eight: Alexander's Path toward Sober Sex 125

Healthy Fantasy 129

Mindful Sex 131

Revisiting Safer Sex 132

Chapter 9 Breaking down the Walls 135

Case Study Nine: Michael's Love Avoidance 138

Love Avoidance and Love Addiction 140

Deconstructing Obsession 142

Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic 143

Relying on the Reliable 146

Chapter 10 A 21st Century Take on Codependency and Boundaries 149

Codependency 101 153

Blurry Boundaries 156

Clear-Cut Boundaries 156

Case Study Ten: Sophia's Lack of Boundaries 158

Anger and Saying No 162

Chapter 11 Meaning, Purpose, and Legacy 165

Spirituality vs. Religion 165

Universal Energy 168

Case Study Eleven: Stuarts Sense of Purpose and Spirituality 169

Purpose and Direction 174

Discovering Legacy 175

Chapter 12 It's Not the Mistakes That Count 177

Forgiving Others 178

Self-Forgiveness 180

Case Study Twelve: Rick's Mistakes 182

Residual Shame 184

You're Not Alone 185

Acknowledgments 187

Resources 189

Bibliography 191

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

It’s Not About the Sex offers hope and direction to those recovering from sexual compulsivity. As daunting as recovery can seem, this book helps readers gain a sense of calm by recognizing key issues that will move them forward in their lives. Susskind provides a pathway to let go of shame while garnering self-compassion and understanding. The author’s years of experience also bring depth and breadth to the healing process. From living in fantasy to embracing reality, from letting go of perfectionism and image management to accepting the imperfections of humanity, and through its exploration of the possibilities of recovery, this powerful book reinforces the reader’s commitment to sexual sobriety.—Claudia Black, PhD, Author, Unspoken Legacy: Addressing the Impact of Trauma and Addiction in the Family and Intimate Treason: Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction

Going beyond current tension around out-of-control sexual behaviors, such as whether we should link sexual compulsivity to a pathologizing, disease-oriented addiction model, Susskind addresses the need for humans to learn how to connect, love, and thrive in intimate relationships. The author cites brokenheartedness as cause, and his is a fresh, much needed voice in the barren landscape of treating and overcoming problematic sexual expression. This is an openhearted framework for navigating toward a life filled with healthy sexual pleasures.—Patti Britton, PhD, MPH, Clinical Sexologist and author, The Art of Sex Coaching

It’s Not About the Sex is a transformative guide for those in recovery from sexual compulsivity. Andrew’s compassionate, forward-thinking book will help you begin and sustain meaningful connection. You will be deeply inspired by his uplifting insights as well as his own story.—Sandra Foster, PhD, Senior Faculty, College of Executive Coaching and Coauthor, Positive Psychology in Coaching

Susskind does a superb job analyzing the emotional underpinnings of sexual addiction. I particularly enjoy his human, non-mechanistic approach.—Laurence Heller, PhD, Founder of the NeuroAffective Relational Model and
Author, Healing Developmental Trauma

This groundbreaking book fills a huge gap in helping sex addicts take the next steps toward sustainable, long-term recovery as they realize their fullest potential for intimacy.—Alexandra Katehakis, PhD and Author, Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation

Focusing not only on behavior change, Susskind’s inspiring approaches facilitate healing and recovery by addressing intimacy and development of deeper connection and meaning in relationships.—Larissa Mooney, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor, UCLA Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences Director, UCLA Addiction Medicine Clinic, Coeditor, The Assessment and Treatment of Addiction

With sexual addiction, stopping compulsive behavior is only the first step in recovery. Sex addicts must also learn to live happier, healthier, more intimately connected lives. In It’s Not About the Sex, Andrew Susskind provides a roadmap for living life to its fullest while healing from this debilitating addiction.—Robert Weiss, PhD, LCSW, CSAT-S, Author, Sex Addiction 101, Out of the Doghouse, and Prodependence

"Susskind provides a roadmap for living life to its fullest while healing from this debilitating addiction." —Robert Weiss, Author of Sex Addiction 101

"As daunting as recovery can seem, this book helps readers gain a sense of calm by recognizing key issues that will move them forward in their lives."—Claudia Black, PhD, author of Deceived and Intimate Treason

"Going beyond current tension around out-of-control sexual behaviors, such as whether we should link sexual compulsivity to a pathologizing, disease-oriented model, Susskind addresses the need for humans to learn how to connect, love, and thrive in intimate relationships."—Patti Britton, PhD, MPH, clinical sexologist, sex coach, and author of The Art of Sex Coaching