Table of Contents
Introduction xiii
Part I Public Property 1
These are real, and I love my husband! I don't belong on this show!
I've never been afraid to speak my mind.
I have to pinch myself every day to make sure I'm not dreaming.
You wanna be on a reality show? You better toughen up.
I've met some amazing fans … this one touched me the most.
Your kid is gay? So what? He's still your kid!
Loyalty is important, but it's a two-way street.
Part II Traditions 25
Breakfast, lunch, or dinner: pick one meal a day to have with your family.
Everybody eat! Food is love.
Big families are tough, and I haven't even begun to figure them out.
There's no such thing as a perfect Christmas.
Christmas traditions evolve; embrace the changes.
Remember: it's Christmas presence, not Christmas presents.
My house is a home, not a museum. Kick your feet up and relax. If something spills, that's what mops are for.
Always serve tea in a cup with a saucer.
Part III Kids 68
For spoiled kids, my kids worked their asses off.
Talking about sex with your kids may be uncomfortable, but it's easier than an unplanned pregnancy.
Principal, I want you to punish my kids.
Be a parent now. You can't press "rewind" later.
The secret to being good parents is to never disagree with each other in front of your kids.
Overprotective parents raise underprepared kids.
I'm your mother, not your friend.
I raised kids, not monsters.
I'd rather you said fuck than did heroin.
Drugs may kill you, but your father will kill you first.
Part IV Love 101
Early boyfriends are your training for Mr. Right.
Picking a man is like picking a racehorse.
Believe in fate.
Love can triumph over tragedy.
Don't become a Bridezilla!
Marriage is a marathon; you gotta stay in shape!
Marrying someone I never lived with was tough-and so were our early years.
My miscarriages didn't destroy me.
For a stay-at-home mom, I've had some crazy adventures.
Cheating? It didn't happen, but it could.
How to argue with your husband so he still loves you!
My kids will all grow up and leave me one day to start families of their own, and nothing would make me happier.
I hate it when my kids break up with someone.
Part V Body 151
I'm fifty-one, but in my head I'm seventeen.
Always try to look your best; there's no reason to scare yourself every time you pass the mirror.
A clean-shaven … face?
People think my job is glamorous-but I think photo shoots are hell!
This face is mine and I'm not going to change it!
Don't touch my face, but tuck my tummy away.
My sons will never see me in a bikini!
Part VI Life 173
I'm a badass with a heart; I cry at Kodak commercials.
Book smarts are great, but without street smarts and personality, you got nothing.
I laugh a lot. At myself. And so should you. Humor will get you through the hard times.
Everybody shits on a bowl. Never allow yourself to be intimidated.
Tell the truth. Lies will always bite you in the ass.
I may not be the smartest or the prettiest, but you will remember me.
You have only one life. Take that stage and own it.
I gauge my problems with one question: Will this affect my life one year from now? If the answer is yes I solve it. If the answer is no, I don't obsess over it.
Reading will set you free.
Respect is free, but you gotta earn your keep.
I'm Albert's wife, and Albie, Christopher, and Lauren' mom, but I never forgot who Caroline Manzo is.
There's always someone out there who's got it worse than you. Say a prayer and help them.
Afterword 213
Affirmations 216
Acknowledgments 220
