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Overview
Listening, I heard Veteran's speak of the soul work that transformed them. The poems are merely glimpses into a life that cannot be known unless it is lived. The experiences of these brave men and women must be listened to as they hold the key to change, growth and most importantly a level of knowing life that will not be known by many. To survive their experiences and, still, keep their bag and boots ready at the front door for duty may call; characterizes the human spirit forged by powerful life experiences.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504346665 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 04/26/2016 |
| Pages: | 108 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.26(d) |
Read an Excerpt
Listening, I Hear Your Voices
By Stephanie A. Hunter
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2016 Stephanie A. Hunter R.N., MSWAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-4666-5
CHAPTER 1
The Loss
* * *
They left their self at theater
That precious self, so known
Actually, the leaving occurred long ago.
Simply, learning to rest the body
Be ready to kill!
Pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body
And sleep, no longer a required need.
Now, the dreams of sleep left behind.
Fill them full of medication
No time, they say, to relearn that that was lost
The self now unfamiliar
Please, let thyself glimpse thy past.
Pain
* * *
There is a pain
That I cannot pierce
Born of years of my voluntary call to duty
No longer feel that I deserve
This store of emptiness
That plays its tune to me.
Its utter sheer magic
Its hiding me
The me, I want,
I use to be
But I sit silently surrounded
Betrayed
By emptiness's beck and call
Longing
* * *
I long for peace
No more battles to be fought
No more trails of misery
Those trails remain with me
Unsung stories of things
Were they really meant to be?
I am challenged daily to restore my memories
Of a time when my spirit was untainted by misery
Although, glory, honor, loyalty, courage
Embraced me on the trail
It pales my former spirit of
Who I wanted to be
I Heard
* * *
I've listened to your stories
Parts, I really understood
Through you I heard the glory
Mixed with pain and sadness
All of this mixed together
Confusion, now the ally
Let no one take your honor
Not your image of who you are
Young, strong, courageous; bold, I say
Warrior in his/her pride
Let no one take your image
For it is honed by GOD!
Grave
* * *
I saw a grave
So big, so deep
Massive was the fear that came over me
How can this be?
The grave I know is to hold one soul.
Enlarged my feelings is what it did
Knowing
Death like this was an atrocity
For me the finality of death will never be the same
But; still, I honor the memory and now claim an enlarged belief
Of what life can and cannot be.
Its Just Life
* * *
Maybe, the end result is angers energy —
Just don't feel no more like I use to be
What is it to feel?
To move around, freely
It's as if the doors of kindness have closed and locked on me.
This anger ain't a symptom that just goes away
Like an unwanted lover it's stuck on me.
Shadows
* * *
I sit in my room waiting for better things and days to come.
Windows covered
Preventing the sun from caressing me with its light and warmth
Confused about the brilliance that a day can make
I hide in the shadows
Preventing that pain and misery
Safe Call
Comfort
* * *
I sit in solace, daily
The dim and quiet
Helps me tolerate the memories that are forever with me
How comforting my room is
Isolation at its best
Let me sit in my solace
It is a well deserved rest
Soldier's Image
* * *
The image is all too clear
Remains of the visions imposed on me of things I never knew to be.
That image, although, yester year
Seared in mind's eye
Prevents the tear
Nothing washes away the grief, shock, sorrow and pain
This vision imposed is now mine
To continue this life in real time — shattered!
Hold
* * *
Hold onto life —
Let it unfold —
Walk its unsteady paths into future — BEHOLD
Hold onto life the mystery so dear —
Determined by spirit — spiced by intention — seasoned with, uhm,
sometimes with fear
But, hold onto life although never clear
It's an endless battle we all must take
So. Take it now! Before, its too late.
Resolve
* * *
It's not easy to let go all that was learned
You know, that routine that keeps us safe
It's the protection and safety that I understand
I will continue to patrol/keep it safe
As I was taught
All day and night long.
Duty; myself, family and country ordered differently now.
Urgency of this routine
Beckons my resolve
Puzzle Piece
* * *
Left over feelings
Yep, that's what they are
With every particle of my being
Dam, I try to understand
A piece here, a piece there
I am in pieces everywhere
The pieces although small are powerful
Disturbs my sense of self
Am I really here, nope the piece puts me there
Not really where I want to be
Dam no peace prevails
Dam it's just a puzzle piece in my life
A life needing peace
Violence to the Self
* * *
When no one hears my story
No telling what I'll do!!!!
Short time — long time; destruction is the end
My rampage will be done
If only you heard my lifelong sorrow
All would be well
Nope, no one heard my story
Painful is my story
It doesn't seem to have an end
Its power now deadly
Explosive like this gun used for my end
Left to my own devices; few they are, you see
I needed to tell my story!!!!!!!!
The ending of my story is ultimately a sin.
A Memory/Soul Work
* * *
The sharpness of this memory
Daily overwhelms me.
Hallucinations and Delusions
I think not
Its my brain, body, spirit
Dealing with what happened to me
These memories intrude and I don't know what to do
My tools are isolation and withdrawal.
Finally
I am just angry
Angry, at what the fuck happened to me.
I am trying to make sense of those things
Those things I saw and did
I must forgive me.
Repetition
* * *
It's all like a dream
A dream that repeats itself
They call it PTSD
Label it as you will
But, I call it life's memory
Life in extreme
Unknown too many
Understood by a few
Least of all, ME
Life the symptom has robbed me of my youth
I suffer in silence by this unknown malady
And to those few who bring understanding
I will share my life malady
A story laden with every emotion known to man
Life has many paths and stories that need to be told
Some say unbelievable,
I say NO!!
For I have seen life with my eyes and soul
So, I repeat the dream as it was
Knowing this repetition brings sorrows hand
Hoping and praying that someone will understand
All Is Well
* * *
I sit and stare out the window; cane at my side
I stir, now, only when my name is called
I remain at my window
It is the duty station now.
I am really patrolling in a different way cause it's what I know to do
Keep em safe, be on guard
The slightest difference
I see out of my window
Adrenalin, surge
The feeling I know so well
If only my body would respond with me
All would be well
Evidence Please!!!!
* * *
It really happened out there.
Explain it. I don't know how.
It was. It did. It happened!
Ground Zero, as it has been called.
Explain it, you ask.
I don't remember the details.
Forgive me, please.
It, it changed me.
It changed my soul
It was Ground Zero (pause) that's all.
That's all I can tell you; that's all I know; that's all I remember.
I feel like a stranger to myself as I sit before you trying to recall.
Quietly, I recall it was my Ground Zero.
All I know is that all of me left the ground.
A Different Kind
* * *
Afterward, there was a different kind of sadness
That came about me.
A different kind of pain in this sadness was unforeseen.
Nevertheless, it pierced my heart
Simply, does not seem to want to go away.
I ask for healing that this piercing wound brought to my heart
Simply and quietly go away.
Longing
* * *
I would sell my soul
to enter the stillness of life.
Still.
This stillness is where I find remnants of my past self.
To look upon that self
To make peace with that self
I long for me again
To give that self peace of mind.
I can no longer torture that self.
Enter new beginnings.
To Be Inside
* * *
Some want to say age makes a difference.
Heard that before I say sarcastically.
The age of a man/woman has no bearing here.
It is what my soul experienced, viewed and felt and now must be reckoned with.
It is, this stuff what lives in my heart, my body, my head.
So, when it is said, "You're older", "you will handle it"
Seriously, now, you have dismissed me.
So, when it is said, "You are young". You will have a long time to live with this.
Really, is it age and time that are important?
I say, it is what lives in my entire being.
The scenes, the smells, the losses, the explosions need I go on.
It is the extremes of life during war that aged me
In matters unknown by others and in many instances unknown by me.
When I think of warriors of history, we speak the same language and know
the same things of
Greatness and misery.
It is not age; it is the vicissitudes of what war is.
It touches each of us differently. Would you agree?
You say your heart becomes tender toward me only because, I have now
been labeled,
Diagnosed, compartmentalized as TBI, forever more.
TBI, I ask you, instead, To Be Inside, be by my side, be with me.
Be inside of me use your imagination, get close to me, be inside of me.
Now, do you, can you understand?
Suffer Slot
* * *
It's the absence of the tears
It is the awesome braveness that benefits me not.
I bend my knees and ask this pain, this brave suffering to leave me.
Rent this space no longer
I want to feel the joyful tears of my bravery — Raise me!
Raise me to more than I can be.
The be that lead me, guided me; moreover, embraced me.
Peaceful Sleep
* * *
It's over!!!
The dreams day and night visit me.
It's over! I scream. — but, I don't let go as these dreams continue to visit me.
Their visits, my dark past
I am exposed
I am denuded
I, I, surrender.
Let the past fade from me.
Let sleep be peaceful, I pray.
The Caregiver
* * *
I am here.
By your side I stand.
I am here.
Remember, I was there when you left.
By your side I stood and promised that I would be here upon your return.
I am here, by your side.
Taking courage to stand for the things that were unpredicted and unexpected.
I am here come back to me, stay with me.
The Appearance
* * *
Quiet
Stillness
Captured by the memories that I do not understand
Fulfilled the mission but this longing never ends
Quiet
Stillness
What evades me about that battleground this seed of my unrest
Quiet
Stillness
It continues to appear
Hard at Work
* * *
May I tell you that shame you feel
Memories of things done
These memories are real
The sense of these memories, shame, is false.
Only a chosen few can do what you've done
Work the shame —
Let it fade
Cherish the memory of goodness
For goodness is yours
It's really OK
Let the memory work for you
Dismissed
* * *
I am scared to hear what your soul has seen
I am defending against your grief and sorrow
I will make you terminology
By doing so
I let you down
I want you to quietly slip away.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Listening, I Hear Your Voices by Stephanie A. Hunter. Copyright © 2016 Stephanie A. Hunter R.N., MSW. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
The Loss, 1,Pain, 3,
Longing, 5,
I Heard, 7,
Grave, 9,
It's Just Life, 11,
Shadows, 13,
Comfort, 15,
Soldier's Image, 17,
Hold, 19,
Resolve, 21,
Puzzle Piece, 23,
Violence to the Self, 25,
A Memory/Soul Work, 27,
Repetition, 29,
All Is Well, 31,
Evidence Please!!!!, 33,
A Different Kind, 35,
Longing, 37,
To Be Inside, 39,
Suffer Not, 41,
Peaceful Sleep, 43,
The Caregiver, 45,
The Appearance, 47,
Hard at Work, 49,
Dismissed, 51,
What is Complete, 53,
A Request, 55,
Homeward Bound, 57,
A Place, 59,
Choose Life's Energy, 61,
The Preparation, 63,
The Speech, 65,
Left Over Me, 67,
The Dance, 69,
The Ornament, 71,
Joy vs. Guilt, 73,
Not a poem. What I know, 75,
What Within, 77,
Change Must Come, 79,
Cleansing Tears Needed, 81,
The Question, 83,
Share With Me, 85,
The Assessment, 87,
Breaking Free, 89,
Trance, 91,