Messages: The Communication Skills Book

by Matthew McKay PhD, Martha Davis PhD, Patrick Fanning

Overview

Many people assume that good communicators possess an intrinsic talent for speaking and listening to others, a gift that can’t be learned or improved. The reality is that communication skills are developed with deliberate effort and practice, and learning to understand others and communicate your ideas more clearly will improve every facet of your life.

Messages has already helped thousands of people build communication skills and cultivate better relationships with friends, family members, coworkers, and partners. With this fully revised and updated fourth edition, you’ll discover new skills to help you communicate your ideas more effectively and become a better listener. Learn how to:

• Read body language
• Develop skills for couples communication
• Negotiate and resolve conflicts
• Communicate with family members
• Handle group interactions
• Talk to children
• Master public speaking
• Prepare for job interviews

This new edition features a much-needed chapter on digital communication. Effective communication can easily be compromised when you’re not able to read your conversation partner’s body language, facial expression, or vocal tone. This chapter teaches you how to express yourself well via phone, email, texting, and video—all the skills you need to thrive in the digital age.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781684031719
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	08/01/2018
Edition description:	Fourth Edition, Revised
Pages:	336
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.74(d)

About the Author

Matthew McKay, PhD, is a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA. He has authored and coauthored numerous books, including The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Self-Esteem, and Couple Skills, which have sold more than a million copies combined. He received his PhD in clinical psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology, and specializes in the cognitive behavioral treatment of anxiety and depression.


Martha Davis, PhD, was a psychologist in the department of psychiatry at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Santa Clara, CA; where she practiced individual, couples, and group psychotherapy for almost thirty years prior to her retirement. She is coauthor of Thoughts and Feelings, The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, and Messages.

Patrick Fanning is a professional writer in the mental health field, and founder of a men’s support group in Northern California. He has authored and coauthored twelve self-help books, including Self-Esteem, Thoughts and Feelings, Couple Skills, and Mind and Emotions.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Part I Basic Skills

1 Listening 7

Real vs. Pseudo Listening 8

Blocks to Listening 10

Assessing Your Listening Blocks 14

Four Steps to Effective Listening 18

Total Listening 22

2 Self-Disclosure 23

Rewards of Self-Disclosure 25

Blocks to Self-Disclosure 27

Optimal Levels of Self-Disclosure 28

Assessing Your Self-Disclosure 30

Practice in Self-Disclosure 34

3 Expressing 37

Observations 37

Thoughts 37

Feelings 38

Needs 39

Whole Messages 39

Contaminated Messages 40

Preparing Your Message 42

Practicing Whole Messages 43

Rules for Effective Expression 48

Part II Advanced Skills

4 Body Language 57

Body Movements 58

Spatial Relationships 63

5 Paralanguage and Metamessages 67

The Elements of Paralanguage 68

Changing Your Paralanguage 70

Metamessages 72

Coping with Metamessages 75

6 Hidden Agendas 79

The Eight Agendas 80

Purpose of the Agendas 84

7 Transactional Analysis 87

Parent, Child, and Adult Messages 87

Analyzing Your Communications 90

Kinds of Transactions 95

Keeping Your Communications Clean 101

8 Clarifying Language 103

Understanding a Model 105

Challenging the Limits of a Model 111

Challenging Distortions in a Model 116

Some Final Clarifications 120

Part III Conflict Skills

9 Assertiveness Training 123

Your Legitimate Rights 123

Three Communication Styles 125

Your Assertiveness Goals 129

Assertive Expression 130

Assertive Listening 132

Combining Assertive Expression and Listening 133

Responding to Criticism 134

Special Assertive Strategies 139

Assertiveness Skills Practice 144

10 Validation Strategies 145

What Is Validation? 145

How Does Validation Work? 146

Components of Validation 148

11 Negotiation 153

Four Stages of Negotiation 153

Dealing with Conflict 155

Rules of Principled Negotiation 156

When the Going Gets Tough 164

Part IV Social Skills

12 Forming Accurate First Impressions 171

Prejudgment Traps 172

Approval and Disapproval in Prejudgment 177

Correcting Parataxic Distortions 180

Perpetuating Illusions 182

Clarifying First Impressions 183

13 Making Contact 185

Fear of Strangers 185

Guidelines for Making Contact 189

The Art of Conversation 192

Putting It All Together 196

14 Digital Communication 201

Email 201

Texting 204

Voice Mail 206

Social Media 207

Video Communication 209

Part V Family Skills

15 Couples Skills 215

Schemas 216

Couples Systems 221

Keeping Your Relationship Strong 233

16 Communicating with Children 235

Listening 235

Expressing 241

Joint Problem Solving 246

When to Let Go 252

When You Have to Say No 253

The Point Is … 253

17 Family Communications 255

Family Communication Disorders 256

Family Pathology 261

Family Systems 266

How to Keep Family Communications Healthy 269

Part VI Public Skills

18 Influencing Others 273

Ineffective Strategies for Influencing Change 274

Effective Strategies for Influencing Others 275

A Plan for Influencing Change 279

19 Public Speaking 283

Planning Your Talk 283

Organizing Your Talk 285

Audience Analysis 289

Style 290

Supporting Materials 292

The Outline 293

Delivery 295

Dealing with Stage Fright 296

20 Interviewing 301

Clarifying What You Want 302

When You Are the Interviewer 303

If You Are the Interviewer 312

Conclusion 318

Recommended Reading 321

References 323

Interviews

McKay resides in the greater San Francisco Bay Area; Fanning resides in Graton, CA; Davis resides in Trinidad, CA.

Editorial Reviews

This is an amazing book. The book will not only help you if you have been struggling to communicate effectively, but also if you just want to hone your skills. Using examples from all walks of life, the book explains the key aspects of effective communication and provides readers with ample opportunities to practice these skills in many different contexts. Although it is based on sound academic research, the book is by no means heavy academic reading. Offering many practical examples and illustrations to bring the content to life, the book is written in a non-technical, clear, concise, and personable style. I recommend this book without any reservations.”
—Georg H. Eifert, PhD, coauthor of The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety and Your Life on Purpose

Georg H. Eifert

Messages will be warmly and fully welcomed into my clinical practice. This straightforward, easy-to-digest, and wholly useful book on effective communication is completely fit for its purpose. Reading, working through the exercises, and practicing the advised skills could only move those engaged in the process in one direction—toward improved relationships. The plethora of communication process descriptions, exercises, styles, needs, and outcomes provide the reader with a thorough and integrated understanding of what it means to engage in effective communication in the service of connection. An excellent self-help workbook about enhancing how we relate messages to others!”
—Robyn D. Walser, PhD, codirector of the Bay Area Trauma Recovery Clinic; assistant professor at University of California, Berkeley; and coauthor of Learning ACT, The Mindful Couple, and other books

Robyn D. Walser

Messages is a must-read for any person looking to improve their communication skills; whether the reader needs to augment their relationship’s effectiveness with significant others, coworkers, supervisors, or relatives, this book offers ‘hands-on’ advice about how to effectively relate to others across different settings. All chapters have specific skills and exercises to master interpersonal skills beyond the classic teachings of using ‘I statements.’ I highly recommend it!”
—Patricia E. Zurita Ona, PsyD, East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, coauthor of Mind and Emotions, and author of Parenting a Troubled Teen and Escaping the Emotional Rollercoaster

Patricia E. Zurita Ona

In this fourth edition of Messages, the authors present the essentials of basic communication. From assertiveness and active listening skills to guidelines for digital communication and social media etiquette, every individual, couple, and therapist will benefit from this book. If you wish to deepen your connections to others and to succeed in every social interaction, this book is for you.”
—Michael A. Tompkins, PhD, ABPP, author of Anxiety and Avoidance and codirector of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy

Michael A. Tompkins