Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life
'This book taught me so much about female desire. A must read!' Cherry Healey

Did you know that there is an orgasm gap of around 30% between heterosexual couples when they have sex?

In Mind The Gap, Dr Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and certified psychosexologist, explores not just this gap, but the gaps in our knowledge of so much of the most important new science around sex and desire.

In this book, you will learn that nearly everything that you've been led to believe about female sexuality isn't actually true. And that, despite what you might think, it is possible to simultaneously feel little to no spontaneous desire and have a happy and mutually satisfying sex life long term.

Exploring the mismatch between ideas about sex in our society and what the science tells us, Mind The Gap also explains how this disconnect lies at the root of many of our sexual problems.

Combining science with case studies, practical exercises and tips, this is a book for anyone who wants to better understand the mechanics of desire and futureproof their sex life, for life.

1139439393
Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life
'This book taught me so much about female desire. A must read!' Cherry Healey

Did you know that there is an orgasm gap of around 30% between heterosexual couples when they have sex?

In Mind The Gap, Dr Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and certified psychosexologist, explores not just this gap, but the gaps in our knowledge of so much of the most important new science around sex and desire.

In this book, you will learn that nearly everything that you've been led to believe about female sexuality isn't actually true. And that, despite what you might think, it is possible to simultaneously feel little to no spontaneous desire and have a happy and mutually satisfying sex life long term.

Exploring the mismatch between ideas about sex in our society and what the science tells us, Mind The Gap also explains how this disconnect lies at the root of many of our sexual problems.

Combining science with case studies, practical exercises and tips, this is a book for anyone who wants to better understand the mechanics of desire and futureproof their sex life, for life.

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Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

by Dr. Karen Gurney
Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

by Dr. Karen Gurney

Paperback

$22.99 
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Overview

'This book taught me so much about female desire. A must read!' Cherry Healey

Did you know that there is an orgasm gap of around 30% between heterosexual couples when they have sex?

In Mind The Gap, Dr Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and certified psychosexologist, explores not just this gap, but the gaps in our knowledge of so much of the most important new science around sex and desire.

In this book, you will learn that nearly everything that you've been led to believe about female sexuality isn't actually true. And that, despite what you might think, it is possible to simultaneously feel little to no spontaneous desire and have a happy and mutually satisfying sex life long term.

Exploring the mismatch between ideas about sex in our society and what the science tells us, Mind The Gap also explains how this disconnect lies at the root of many of our sexual problems.

Combining science with case studies, practical exercises and tips, this is a book for anyone who wants to better understand the mechanics of desire and futureproof their sex life, for life.


Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781472267139
Publisher: Headline
Publication date: 06/14/2022
Pages: 336
Product dimensions: 6.12(w) x 9.25(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Dr Karen Gurney is a highly specialised clinical psychologist and certified psychosexologist , and is a recognised national expert in the theory and practice of therapy around all aspects of sexual wellbeing and function. She is currently Lead Psychosexual Therapist at 56 Dean Street (Chelsea and Westminster Hospital NHS Foundation Trust), as well as Director of The Havelock Clinic, an independent sexual problems service based on Harley Street and in The City of London. Dr Gurney has written for and been featured in publications such as Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan and Refinery29. She appeared on BBC2's Victoria Derbyshire Show and is the expert attached to Cherry Healey, Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville's podcast, The Hotbed Collective (@thehotbedcollective), regularly appearing in their live shows and podcasts. She is also the UK ambassador for www.thepornconversation.org - a not-for-profit initiative set up by Erika Lust designed to help parents and carers talk to young people about porn use. Dr Gurney is on Instagram as @thesexdoctor.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

1 Common Misconceptions and How They are Holding Us Back

1 A brief history of sex, science and gender politics 11

How did we get here? 11

Sex and sinning 12

Sex and madness 14

Sex and subjugation 15

The creation of sexual dysfunctions 16

Sex and neuroses 17

Sex and drugs - the medicalization of women and sex 21

Sex, power and feminism 22

2 Mind The Gap - statistics around sex and desire 27

How much sex are people having? 27

Who decides what's normal? 28

A national barometer of sex 30

Sexual satisfaction and problems? 31

The impact of sex on relationships 34

What are we distressed about? 37

How does desire change within a relationship over time? 37

Men are not from Mars 40

What's the right amount of desire? 42

3 Gaps in our foundations 47

Gaps in our knowledge 47

How sex positive was your sex ed? 49

Anatomy and pleasure 51

The orgasm gap 54

'Change me, not my sex life' 58

The Orgasm Olympics 59

Gaps in our language 59

What is sex? 60

Understanding what makes sex good for us 61

'Conditions for good sex' and maintaining desire 64

Exercise: Understanding your own 'conditions for good sex' 69

2 The Truth About Sex and Desire

4 Sex in our society 75

The role of social norms in shaping our sex lives 77

How we learn about sex 79

Penis-in-vagina sex is 'real sex' - the ultimate unhelpful heterosexual script 86

The influence of the media on how we see sex 86

Porn and sexual scripts 89

So why is this important? 91

Inequality and the curse of the heterosexual script 94

Faking orgasms and sexual scripts 96

Reciprocity and oral sex in heterosexual scripts 97

Women's bodies and society 99

Mind your language 100

How we are our own worst enemy - the perpetuation of unhelpful societal beliefs 103

The ease of spontaneous sex 103

The three-times-a-week myth 105

Expect the worst for your sex life 106

Monogamy reigns supreme 107

Our intersectional identities and sex 108

Exercise: Your sexual biography 113

5 Sex in our relationships 117

'We want it to be like it was in the beginning' 117

Is it possible to have good sex for ever? 117

Why does sex matter? 121

Communication and initiation 125

Why we have sex 132

Desire discrepancy between people in a relationship 138

Relationship dynamics and sex 139

Bad sex equals bad relationship, right? 140

Intimacy - too little or too much? 141

The paradox of security 142

It's not the time you have but what you do with it that counts 144

Priorities, practicalities and time together 146

Technology and our sex lives 149

Having children 151

Sexual currency 153

Exercise: Understanding your motivations for sex, sexual currency overload 162

6 Sex in our brains 165

'Sex drive' 166

Arousal 170

The role of attention in sex 172

Where do we want our thoughts to be? 180

Understanding the role of learning 184

How can we get our brains working for us not against us? 189

How the way we use language influences our thoughts 192

Exercise: Mindfulness and sex 198

7 Gaps in our understanding of desire 203

Desire facts to blow your mind 203

The history of sexology and our current understanding 205

A new understanding 210

Being receptive 213

Sexual stimuli 216

Psychological barriers 222

Circumstantial barriers 225

Physical barriers 226

Arousal and desire 227

Emotional and physical satisfaction 229

Emotional intimacy 231

How does your desire work? 231

Moving forward 236

Exercise: Sexual stimuli, hot or not? Experiment in kickstarting your desire 244

3 How to Futureproof Your Sex Life, for Life

8 What next? 249

How does change happen? 250

Getting partners on board 251

What do you stand to lose or gain? 255

Working on your own sexuality 257

Maximizing success - where do you want to go? 258

Picking your moment 261

Having the conversation 262

9 Futureproof your sex life 267

What do we mean by a good sex life? 268

What does the science say about what makes sex good in the long term? 270

Responsiveness 270

Conscientiousness 272

Self-expanding activities 272

How to deal with being thrown off course 274

How, to deal with changing needs 279

Is sex a priority? 284

Conclusion 287

Acknowledgements 289

Notes 293

Further Reading 313

Index 315

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