Table of Contents
Foreword Deepak Chopra xiii
Acknowledgments xvii
1 Giving From the Heart 1
Introduction 1
A Way to Focus Attention 3
The NVC Process 6
Applying NVC in Our Lives and the World 8
NVC in Action: "Murderer, Assassin, Child-Killer!" 13
2 Communication That Blocks Compassion 15
Moralistic Judgments 15
Making Comparisons 18
Denial of Responsibility 19
Other Forms of Life-Alienating Communication 22
3 Observing Without Evaluating 25
The Highest Form of Human Intelligence 28
Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations 30
NVC in Action: "The Most Arrogant Speaker We've Ever Had!" 32
Exercise 1 Observation or Evaluation? 34
4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings 37
The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings 37
Feelings versus Non-Feelings 41
Building a Vocabulary for Feelings 43
Exercise 2 Expressing Feelings 47
5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings 49
Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options 49
The Needs at the Roots of Feelings 52
The Pain of Expressing Our Needs versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs 55
From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation 57
NVC in Action: "Bring Back the Stigma of Illegitimacy!" 61
Exercise 3 Acknowledging Needs 65
6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life 67
Using Positive Action Language 67
Making Requests Consciously 72
Asking for a Reflection 74
Requesting Honesty 76
Making Requests of a Group 77
Requests versus Demands 79
Denning Our Objective When Making Requests 81
NVC in Action: Sharing Fears About a Best Friend's Smoking 85
Exercise 4 Expressing Requests 88
7 Receiving Empathically 91
Presence: Don't Just Do Something, Stand There 91
Listening for Feelings and Needs 94
Paraphrasing 96
Sustaining Empathy 101
When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize 103
NVC in Action: A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband 105
Exercise 5 Receiving Empathically versus Non-Empathically 109
8 The Power of Empathy 113
Empathy That Heals 113
Empathy and the Ability to Be Vulnerable 115
Using Empathy to Defuse Danger 117
Empathy in Hearing Someone's "No!" 120
Empathy to Revive a Lifeless Conversation 121
Empathy for Silence 123
9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves 129
Remembering the Specialness of What We Are 129
Evaluating Ourselves When We've Been Less Than Perfect 130
Translating Self-Judgments and Inner Demands 132
NVC Mourning 132
Self-Forgiveness 133
The Lesson of the Polka-Dotted Suit 134
Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play! 135
Translating "Have to" to "Choose to" 136
Cultivating Awareness of the Energy Behind Our Actions 138
10 Expressing Anger Fully 141
Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause 141
All Anger Has a Life-Serving Core 144
Stimulus versus Cause: Practical Implications 145
Four Steps to Expressing Anger 148
Offering Empathy First 149
Taking Our Time 152
NVC in Action: Parent and Teen Dialogue A Life-Threatening Issue 154
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation 161
Human Connection 161
NVC Conflict Resolution versus Traditional Mediation 162
NVC Conflict Resolution Steps-A Quick Overview 164
On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis 165
Empathy to Ease the Pain That Prevents Hearing 170
Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict 172
Using Action Verbs 173
Translating "No" 174
NVC and the Mediator Role 175
When People Say "No" to Meeting Face to Face 181
Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People's Business 182
12 The Protective Use of Force 185
When the Use of Force Is Unavoidable 185
The Thinking Behind the Use of Force 185
Types of Punitive Force 186
The Costs of Punishment 188
Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment 189
The Protective Use of Force in Schools 190
13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others 195
Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming 195
Resolving Internal Conflicts 196
Caring for Our Inner Environment 197
Replacing Diagnosis With NVC 199
NVC in Action: Dealing With Resentment and Self-Judgment 204
14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication 209
The Intention Behind the Appreciation 209
The Three Components of Appreciation 210
Receiving Appreciation 212
The Hunger for Appreciation 214
Overcoming the Reluctance to Express Appreciation 215
Epilogue 217
Bibliography 220
Index 223
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process 231
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have 232
About Nonviolent Communication 233
About PuddleDancer Press 234
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication 235
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press 236
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press 242
About the Author 244