Table of Contents
Preface to the Paperback Edition xv
Introduction xvii
Prologue: Welcome to the New Physics! 1
Part I The Brightest Timeline
Chris Christie's Wordless Screaming 5
Waiting for Pivot: A GOP Tragicomedy 8
Nasty Women 15
Donald Trump and His Sons Will Never Talk Business Again 18
The True, Correct Story of What Happened at Donald Trump's Inauguration 23
Trump's Budget Makes Perfect Sense and Will Fix America, and I Will Tell You Why 27
Every Story I Have Read About Trump Supporters in the Past Week 32
This Is Not a Crisis, Republicans Say, as a Large Spider Slowly Devours Them 35
What the Ethics Chief Really Wanted to Say in His Resignation Letter 38
A Moderate Speaks: By God, Won't Someone Else Take a Stand? 42
How Paul Manafort Came by $934,350 in Antique Carpets 45
Melania Trump Wants to Spend Christmas on a Deserted Island (With Her Family) 49
The Day Donald Trump First Became a Stable Genius 52
Welcome to the Normal, Low-End Furniture Store for Trump Cabinet Members 57
Keep Scott Pruitt Moist 61
I'm Beginning to Suspect These Were Not, in Fact, the Best People 64
How Dare You do this to Brett Kavanaugh? 67
The FBI Has Been Very Easy to Reach about Brett Kavanaugh, and Of Course the Report Has Been Quite Easy to Read 70
You Are in Melania Trump's Nightmare Forest of Cursed Red Trees. Keep to the Path. 75
Lock Her Up? 78
My Book Report on The Mueller Report 81
You Think Trump's Getting Impeached? I Defy You to Convince Anyone at This Cursed Truck Stop. 85
Part II Routine Nightmares and Soothing Fables
It Is Very Difficult to Get the Train to Stop 91
A Humanizing Profile of Your Local Neo-Nazi 94
Now Michelle and Ivanka Are Neighbors 97
Why Won't This Career Die? 104
Raising Baby Hitler 109
You May Already Be Running 116
The Privilege Tree 119
Part III This Follows
Excuse Me, Director, I Have Some Questions About My Role in the Spring Play as a Crisis Actor 125
Everything You Wanted to Know About Deep State But Were Too Scared to Ask 128
Some Classic Episodes of Trump's Space Force 132
Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone Say Hi to the Tank and the 150 Heavily Armed Men. 135
Part IV Modest Proposals and Other Commentary
A Good Time to Talk About Gun Laws 139
I Am Sick of These Children Demanding Safe Spaces 141
This Magic Is Too Strong to Stop 144
How to Sleep at Night When Families Are Being Separated at the Border 146
Play the "Woman Card" and Reap These Rewards 149
That Five-Year-Old Refugee Has Diabolical Plans 152
I Will Not Take My Husband's Name 155
Part V How Not to Do Things Wrong
Famous Quotes, the Way a Woman Ought to Say Them in a Meeting 159
Some Interpersonal Verbs, Conjugated by Gender 162
How to Fact-Check 166
How to Speak Woman 168
How to Parent Wrong 170
What to Call Racist Remarks Instead of Calling Them Racist Remarks 175
So, You Must Speak to the Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones 177
Part VI Finally, We Hear from Men, Measles, and a Pigeon
Please Stop Vaccinating Your Children. I Want to Go to Disneyland. 183
Sorry, I Obey the Billy Graham Rule 186
I Am a State Legislator, and I Am Here to Substitute-Teach Your Biology Class 189
Male Authors Describe Men in Literature Right 193
Surprise! I'm Back, and I Atoned 198
Without the Swimsuit Part of Miss America, When Will I Be Able to Judge Women's Appearances? 202
I'm Fine with Women in Power, Just Not This One Specific Woman Currently in Power 205
I Am in Favor of Confederate Statues. I Am Definitely Not a Pigeon. 208
Part VII How're You Holding Up?
No, I Will Not Leave the Bar Simply Because I Am "on Fire" 215
Yes, This Business Still Has Your Email! Here's How We're Responding to COVID-19! 218
Our Handsome, Brave, Good President Looked So Great in His Mask 221
If We'd Just Given Up on Other Things the Way We Have on the Coronavirus 223
I Am a Simple Potato Guardian Who Needs My Second Amendment Rights 226
Know the Signs: How to Tell If Your Grandparent Has Become an Antifa Agent 231
Someone Who Didn't Know Better Might Think Death by "Underlying Health Conditions" Was Murder 234
Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV 237
Coda 239
Acknowledgments 241