Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

by Alexandra Petri
Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

by Alexandra Petri

Paperback

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Overview

A finalist for the Thurber Prize
With new essays on the crises of 2020

“Amazing.” —Amy Schumer

 

In Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why, acclaimed Washington Post satirist Alexandra Petri offers perfectly logical, reassuring reasons for everything that has happened in recent American politics that will in no way unsettle your worldview. In essays both new and adapted from her viral columns, Petri reports that the Trump administration was as competent as it was uncorrupted, white supremacy has never been less rampant, and men have been silenced for too long. The “woman card” is a powerful card to play! Q-Anon makes perfect sense! This Panglossian venture into our swampy present offers a virtuosic first draft of history that chronicles the chaotic half-decade from the twilight of the Obama years to the final gasp of the Trump administration.

“One of the difficulties of being alive today,” Petri notes, “is that everything is absurd but fewer and fewer things are funny.” Written with devastating wit that reveals a persistent, perhaps manic optimism about her benighted country, Petri’s essays have become iconic expressions of rage and anger, read and liked and shared by hundreds of thousands of people. Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why shows why she has emerged as the preeminent political satirist of her generation.


Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780393867374
Publisher: Norton, W. W. & Company, Inc.
Publication date: 06/01/2021
Pages: 272
Sales rank: 257,975
Product dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.20(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Alexandra Petri is a humorist and columnist for the Washington Post and author of three books including Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why, a Thurber Prize finalist. She lives in Washington, DC.

Table of Contents

Preface to the Paperback Edition xv

Introduction xvii

Prologue: Welcome to the New Physics! 1

Part I The Brightest Timeline

Chris Christie's Wordless Screaming 5

Waiting for Pivot: A GOP Tragicomedy 8

Nasty Women 15

Donald Trump and His Sons Will Never Talk Business Again 18

The True, Correct Story of What Happened at Donald Trump's Inauguration 23

Trump's Budget Makes Perfect Sense and Will Fix America, and I Will Tell You Why 27

Every Story I Have Read About Trump Supporters in the Past Week 32

This Is Not a Crisis, Republicans Say, as a Large Spider Slowly Devours Them 35

What the Ethics Chief Really Wanted to Say in His Resignation Letter 38

A Moderate Speaks: By God, Won't Someone Else Take a Stand? 42

How Paul Manafort Came by $934,350 in Antique Carpets 45

Melania Trump Wants to Spend Christmas on a Deserted Island (With Her Family) 49

The Day Donald Trump First Became a Stable Genius 52

Welcome to the Normal, Low-End Furniture Store for Trump Cabinet Members 57

Keep Scott Pruitt Moist 61

I'm Beginning to Suspect These Were Not, in Fact, the Best People 64

How Dare You do this to Brett Kavanaugh? 67

The FBI Has Been Very Easy to Reach about Brett Kavanaugh, and Of Course the Report Has Been Quite Easy to Read 70

You Are in Melania Trump's Nightmare Forest of Cursed Red Trees. Keep to the Path. 75

Lock Her Up? 78

My Book Report on The Mueller Report 81

You Think Trump's Getting Impeached? I Defy You to Convince Anyone at This Cursed Truck Stop. 85

Part II Routine Nightmares and Soothing Fables

It Is Very Difficult to Get the Train to Stop 91

A Humanizing Profile of Your Local Neo-Nazi 94

Now Michelle and Ivanka Are Neighbors 97

Why Won't This Career Die? 104

Raising Baby Hitler 109

You May Already Be Running 116

The Privilege Tree 119

Part III This Follows

Excuse Me, Director, I Have Some Questions About My Role in the Spring Play as a Crisis Actor 125

Everything You Wanted to Know About Deep State But Were Too Scared to Ask 128

Some Classic Episodes of Trump's Space Force 132

Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone Say Hi to the Tank and the 150 Heavily Armed Men. 135

Part IV Modest Proposals and Other Commentary

A Good Time to Talk About Gun Laws 139

I Am Sick of These Children Demanding Safe Spaces 141

This Magic Is Too Strong to Stop 144

How to Sleep at Night When Families Are Being Separated at the Border 146

Play the "Woman Card" and Reap These Rewards 149

That Five-Year-Old Refugee Has Diabolical Plans 152

I Will Not Take My Husband's Name 155

Part V How Not to Do Things Wrong

Famous Quotes, the Way a Woman Ought to Say Them in a Meeting 159

Some Interpersonal Verbs, Conjugated by Gender 162

How to Fact-Check 166

How to Speak Woman 168

How to Parent Wrong 170

What to Call Racist Remarks Instead of Calling Them Racist Remarks 175

So, You Must Speak to the Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones 177

Part VI Finally, We Hear from Men, Measles, and a Pigeon

Please Stop Vaccinating Your Children. I Want to Go to Disneyland. 183

Sorry, I Obey the Billy Graham Rule 186

I Am a State Legislator, and I Am Here to Substitute-Teach Your Biology Class 189

Male Authors Describe Men in Literature Right 193

Surprise! I'm Back, and I Atoned 198

Without the Swimsuit Part of Miss America, When Will I Be Able to Judge Women's Appearances? 202

I'm Fine with Women in Power, Just Not This One Specific Woman Currently in Power 205

I Am in Favor of Confederate Statues. I Am Definitely Not a Pigeon. 208

Part VII How're You Holding Up?

No, I Will Not Leave the Bar Simply Because I Am "on Fire" 215

Yes, This Business Still Has Your Email! Here's How We're Responding to COVID-19! 218

Our Handsome, Brave, Good President Looked So Great in His Mask 221

If We'd Just Given Up on Other Things the Way We Have on the Coronavirus 223

I Am a Simple Potato Guardian Who Needs My Second Amendment Rights 226

Know the Signs: How to Tell If Your Grandparent Has Become an Antifa Agent 231

Someone Who Didn't Know Better Might Think Death by "Underlying Health Conditions" Was Murder 234

Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV 237

Coda 239

Acknowledgments 241

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